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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

worried in-laws and neighbours will take over with new baby

57 replies

pink76 · 10/03/2009 20:11

Due to give birth next week. This is scary enough but at the moment living with partners parents and worried that they will try and take over, how does a brand new mum say "back off" without offending them in their own home?

Could just be over-thinking!!! I moved here last august, (250 miles from friends and family) so I have only his family and neighbours nearby. Don't know if I'll have the strength to say anything.

My mum is coming down for the first few days when little one is here so this may help.

Any advice would be helpful.

OP posts:
Tinkerisdead · 10/03/2009 20:18

I dont live with my in laws but only have them about, no friends or family of my own here. my DD is 15 weeks old and i was petrified of this exact problem. I BF my daughter so that feeding her is my job, it allows me to have private time with her and I can excuse myself at will. I havent had to tell people to back off, just assert myself. Like if she cries when being held by someone else I stand up if i want her back. I dont have to ask, by standing im signalling that i'd like her. I noticed if i stay seated people assume im happy to sit back.

people will prob disagree, but Im just not strong enough to voice my desires. Body language has worked for me. Or saying things through the baby. I know its cowardly but I'll say things from across the room like, oh dear are you hungry, poor nanny having to listen to you cry when she wanted a nice cuddle. lets feed you and calm you down shall we.

im gutless...but by inlaws dont interfere at all...now. Oh nd when my mum came to stay for first few days my MIL told my FIL to ask my mum for a drink as she was staying to be in charge of coffee!

beanieb · 10/03/2009 20:24

I think you have to look at it in this way: you will have to speak up on behalf of your child many times over the next 18+ years, to teachers, friends, friend's children etc. You will have ideas about how you want to do things and sometimes they will be completely different to the ideas other well meaning people have.

The most important thing is that you are in agreement with your OH about the best ways to approach things and also that you are prepared to be flexible if he and you have different ideas. The best thing is to talk to your OH about what he thinks is best and how he thinks things will be done. Do it now but be prepared to be flexible, then be united when it comes to the in-laws.

it may not be as bad as you think but it's perfectly reasonable and understandable to have these worries.

Is there something in their behaviour now which makes you think they may be difficult or intrusive?

Original poster
pink76 · 10/03/2009 20:33

Thanks, that has helped reassure me quite a bit actually! Glad I'm not going potty!

His parents have been great really so far. Me and other half had only known each other about a year before I became pregnant so this is all still pretty new anyway!

We had already decided on my moving down here to be together before pregnancy. Pregnancy has just moved things on a bit quicker!

Think my hormones have a bit to do with all the worry too!

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 10/03/2009 20:38

i think it's really reasonable for you to be concerned about this in advance, pink. can you chat to your dp and then mil about the first few days back from the hospital, say you just want to be left to acclimatise to being a new family as much as possible?

Princeonthemove · 10/03/2009 20:38

I feel exactly like you Pink; and I am now obsessing over it. I have lost sight of what I am actually worried about, and don't think I am giving my in-laws any credit. I am so het-up about it I can't tell whether I am being reasonable or logical at all.

I don't know whether to lay 'ground rules' now, as some friends have suggested. In a way it seems really churlish and negative and mean.

screamingabdab · 10/03/2009 20:41

pink76 I had the same worry with my mum. She's just naturally good with babies, and she was Sooo excited about DS1 being born.

It turned out that she was so worried about interfering, I had to ask her for help sometimes!

Try not to worry, and good luck with the baby!

Original poster
pink76 · 10/03/2009 20:41

I have spoken to dp and he tries to reassure me that my worries won't come true, bless him! Just trying to take things one day at a time so that when baby is here I'll feel a bit more in control!

Feel a bit embarassed about talking to his mum about it because she hasn't shown any evidence of butting in so far!

My mum will be here first few days so this will be a big help.

OP posts:
Original poster
pink76 · 10/03/2009 20:44

I am obsessing over this too, Princeonthemove and the baby isn't even here yet! Sounds like being obsessive and anxious is quite a common problem amongst new mums!

OP posts:
Anifrangapani · 10/03/2009 20:48

I found greeting them at the door with a huge smile / manic grin and say how pleased I was to see them. Invite them in for a cup of tea with the words "I am so pleased to se YOU! Do you mind popping the kettle on - you may have to wash a couple cups".... just maesure you have several days worth of washing up for them to do as well. Repeat with the vacuuming, dusting, ironing....

It soon put my guests off

Anifrangapani · 10/03/2009 20:50

maesure Sould be make sure

Original poster
pink76 · 10/03/2009 20:51

Once we have a house of our own it will be better!

OP posts:
beanieb · 10/03/2009 21:04

"Think my hormones have a bit to do with all the worry too!" this happens I am sure, and your hormones will be all to whack after you give birth, not to mention the tiger instinct that will kick in, so being prepared is good. You sound like you have a good relationship with them, maybe you could talk about it to his now. Just a kind of 'I'm not sure what it's going to be like and how I am going to react or you are going to react, how hands on you will expect to be' sort of thing?

beanieb · 10/03/2009 21:12

...and you are lucky in that you already have a good relationship with them by the sounds of it. Most in-law threads on here start off with people who really don't get on with the inlaws.

Living with them must be weird and I'm sure a whole other set of problems come into play when you are all living so in each others pockets.

I'm sure the birth of your baby will mean massive changes but when the baby is here your joy and wonder will act as a cushion.

congratulations btw, I bet you can't wait to meet your baby.

SalBySea · 10/03/2009 21:17

when I was born my parents were living with my mum's family and they totally took over. My parents didnt say anything as they were living there for free but it ultimately led to the break down of their marraige.

My mums family never gave them any space to establish their own little family. My mum couldnt get me into any routine whatsoever because of the "too many cooks" involved.

At the time they thought that putting up with it was the best thing to do under the circumstances but they both deeply regret it so speak up. Start now by gently saying about how you'll be limiting visitors as you need time alone to get used to being 3 rather than 2 etc

AitchTwoOh · 10/03/2009 21:17

i think if you have a good relationship, then you shoudl tell them that you're a bit worried about it. not that you've seen any evidence from them of course, but that you're worried you'll feel very possessive when the baby's out. i really hated missing out on the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy with dd2 because i treasured them, my last time alone with my child before i had to share her with the world. i so remember loving those last weeks with dd1.

speak about it, over a coffee, i'm sure that every woman will understand and remember how they felt. she's a mother too, she's been through it herself. good luck with the birth. i LOVED mine, i'm totally .

beanieb · 10/03/2009 21:27

but SalBySea, your parent's experience was a bad one because the family took over. pink76 seems to have a good relationship with her inlaws and not all in-laws/parents take over. Sure the living together might create some tensions but pink76 is going to be getting a house with her partner and so it's not going to be forever.

SalBySea · 10/03/2009 21:31

it started off good in my parents case, and was also just a "stop gap" before getting their own place (they had their own place before but were in between homes)

My point is that they let things go at the start and it deteriorated. IMO its easier to set rules from the start than to take back control later on

beanieb · 10/03/2009 21:36

Ah right.

I agree, just not too forcefully
I think they sound like they get on so hopefully that makes it less difficult and fraught.

screamingabdab · 10/03/2009 22:09

AitchTwoOh You loved the birth.......I'm totally

EyeballsintheSky · 10/03/2009 22:12

Do what I intend to do if I ever have DC2 - go to bed with the baby and stay there for a fortnight. If you're snuggled up in bed, nekkid (well, that's not compulsory!) then everyone else will have to make the tea etc and will find it pretty hard to steal the baby away from you. And if you hear them coming up the stairs you can pretend to be asleep with a vice like grip around your child!

AitchTwoOh · 10/03/2009 22:25

i did, yes. not the cs, the vb. although it did hurt a bit.

screamingabdab · 10/03/2009 22:28

Aitch. I'm just messing. I do know what you mean. It is wonderful, though it does smart a bit!

AitchTwoOh · 10/03/2009 22:31

nippy, yes, but do-able. i feel totally robbed by my cs.

screamingabdab · 10/03/2009 22:34

It smarted a bit at times. I healed better from my cs than I did my vb, though

screamingabdab · 10/03/2009 22:36

Damn, already used smarted, meant to say there was a little discomfort

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