worried in-laws and neighbours will take over with new baby

[pink76]

Due to give birth next week. This is scary enough but at the moment living with partners parents and worried that they will try and take over, how does a brand new mum say "back off" without offending them in their own home?

Could just be over-thinking!!! I moved here last august, (250 miles from friends and family) so I have only his family and neighbours nearby. Don't know if I'll have the strength to say anything.

My mum is coming down for the first few days when little one is here so this may help.

Any advice would be helpful.

yes, healing amazing with cs consideringwhat they do. just a graze with vb, no tearing. [smug]

Pink I envy you having lots around you but not if they are the type who will take over. When I had DS1 my inlaws took over and I was in no state to argue, they visited everyday and stayed too long. I yearned for a bath and peace and quiet - I had problems BF him and got in a state as I really wanted it to work, he was screaming with hunger, I was frought and they expected me to know what to do - for F's sake they had bought up 2 kids!! I just wanted them to step back a bit. Ihave just had DD and because of how I felt last time, my DH told them they could visit for a certain amount of time and when we said - I think you both need to set clear boundaries and tell them, if you feel you are able, that when you need help you will ask for it, and tell them beforehand, "please don't be offended if I seem a bit off, but I expect to be tired and emotional, its not them, but I will need a bit of space to adjust". Hope this helps and good luck.

X

If you have a good relationship I would be open and tell them about your worries before the baby is born.

Sorry to hijack this thread, but AitchtwoOh, your glass is definitely half full

arf

Agree with above, discussing your concerns before the birth and your desire for them not to take over reduces the chances of it happening.
Have never heard of neighbours taking over someones baby unless the parents were really useless though.
Being a mum means standing up for yourself and your baby. Time to learn to be assertive and tell people when you think they are overstepping the mark.
Move out and a few miles away as soon as you can afford to. It seems on Mumsnet that the closer you live to your relatives the more you moan about them. Get far enough away that popping in isn't a sensible option.

Thanks girls, will be having a chat before little one is here. Got my mum staying for a few days when baby's born so that will help having someone on my side so to speak!

Let you know how it goes!

if you can, get the chat well out of the way before your mum is here. just do it today, get it over with.

Pink My sister and her DP lived with my parents for the first year of my nephews life, when they need time alone as a family they would go up to their room alone and no one would ever bother them. It was my mums suggestion before he was born that way if everyone knew about it before hand no one would get offended and they wouldn't get frustrated with people interfering.
4 years later my parents and sis and BIL all admit they miss living together and have even considered buying a house together.
There arraignment worked so well because from the very beginning there were boundaries in place that they all respected. My nephew has such a strong bond with my parents, my sis really feels like it benefited him hugely.

Pink I felt the same while pg with DS. We live five minutes walk from MIL, and I was worried IL's would take over a bit. As it happens they haven't, although MIL is fantastic for helping when I need it.She was even there when DS was born!
In my case though, It probably helps that MIL has a 3yo DD, so has enough on her plate without interfering with my DS.

Hi pink, I'm in a very similar situation to you, in that I too live with my in-laws a very long way from home, and had my second baby in their house. There are differences though in that our relationship has historically been very strained, good news though, having the baby has actually made us closer! This is a bit long, but I hope my story will help a bit...

When ds was born 3 years ago we were in our own house, we lived up north, in laws down south...MIL & BIL & SIL all headed up north when they heard I was in labour, FIL that evening...MIL settled in to our house for the week and TOTALLY TOOK OVER...she was at the hosp all day, everyday, I was in for a few days as had had hard pregnancy and tough birth...I went home on day 4, day 6 she invited all her friends to our house for dinner and to see the baby! You're getting the idea...

DH was a bit do-lally (it seems alot of new dads are, and didn't see the prob)...Basically MIL went into over drive, she was delighted with her new grandchild and wanted to savour every minute, she knew she was leaving so she wanted to take it all in...DH didn't want to leave his mum alone at home (fair enough but trying for me) and just didn't get that I needed space. MIL was just too delighted with DGS to notice.

This continued til I started putting some ground rules...I was never thanked for them and was viewed as unreasonable...caused alot of arguements with dh til he finally got it!

Fast forward 1 1/2 years, in-laws moved overseas to work, dh decided it would be a good idea to do the same...we end up living 'short term' in IL's house. Huge arguements...MIL & FIL are busy being doating grandparents, and spoiling DS to crazy degree, takes along time but they finally realise that their role has to be slightly different when we live together. It was horrid but DH & I were united and that was what made it work.

Fast forward another 1 1/2 years and a catalogue of mishaps and just the plain funny...I'm about to give birth still living in IL's house...

In all honesty 2 months before I gave birth my relationship with my MIL was as bad as it had ever been...I was back in UK with DS and didn't want to come back,I came back as wanted DH there for the birth...I put all the arguements behind me and realised to survive I had to be accepting of my MIL...she's not a bad woman just different from me.

She was there at the birth (We didnt plan it that way, I didnt want her there but i'm glad she was, she was FAB!) SHe was there for DS, and she gave me more space this time, in part I think as she knew we weren't going anywhere...

I had to be more relaxed and more accepting of help with DD as DS is still very demanding. Whilst I was putting DS to bed, for example, MIL would put DD to sleep...DD had horrid colic, I'd be up all night with her, and mil would play with her in the day to let me sleep.

I am THE controlling mum, It is my nature to want to do EVERYTHING perfectly, and without help, but, I took it for my kid's sake. I was scared that MIL would be closer to DD daughter than me...I was a little down because of it...BUT DD is now 18weeks, about 4 weeks ago SHE decided that SHE wants her mummy, she still loves her granny but noone is like me to her. Everyone comments about what a mummy's girl she is.

What I'm trying to say is that it can be VERY GOOD to have in laws about, but you have to be open to help. Don't be intimidated by it, noone else will ever be a mother to your child.

Whilst I'd say it is a good idea to talk to your MIL now, I'd say it is more important to talk to your other half. Make sure he understands your needs and fears and what you will and won't tolerate and make sure he will support you in achieving this...I'd also say that it might be a good idea to have him there if, and when, you talk to your MIL. Every family has it's own way of working and he will understnad his mum much more than you can at this stage. He has to be your closest ally and protector. (I wouldn't have the chat with your mum there as there is a risk her tiger instict will kick in and she will want to protect her little girl! hehehe)

Tiger instict - YES it's there, good God it's strong with your PFB, it took me a long time to learn this lesson, I knew it, but to really accept it...
You don't have to protect your baby from your in-laws (sadly I have to add - in-most cases). No one beyond you and your DP will ever love and protect your child in the way that your mum and MIL will. If that love is on offer, it is a VERY GOOD THING, accept it (however hard it may be sometimes)!

Whilst you may not see eye to eye with your MIL in every instance, she will I'm sure appreciate what a good mum you are...she may not see it right away, and her 'help' may be a little trying, BUT she is trying to help...the nicest compliment I have had was when my MIL said I am a good mum! - note it took her nearly 3 years and 2 kids to say this!

Oh and try to remember that you too will be a MIL one day, your MIL will probably have forgotten just what it is like to be a new mum (sad but true), but I have my secret hope that i'm as involved with my dc's kids as my MIL is, I hope if I treat her well, in time my DIL and SIL (if kids choose that) will have a good relationship with me

It can work if you make it, just try and relax as much as possible, and as another poster said, get your own place ASAP, but appreciate what your In-laws are doing for you right now.

Oh yeah, join a mums and babies group asap, it'll get you out of the house and get you your own group of friends! V. IMPORTANT

Good luck, it'll be great...try not to worry too much and enjoy your lo!

Goodness...that was longer than I expected...sorry to ramble, subject close to my heart I guess!

My Mum was dying to take over and interfere when I had DS, she has pissed me off countless times, although I think I was a bit hormonal after having DS.
It took a while but I am now more assertive and she knows by the look on my face or by my tone that she has pushed it too far. I think it takes a while to get confident to do this and it is inevitable that people will try to offer well meaning "advice".
My friend had a baby at Christmas and was visiting her MIL with her DH and LO. MIL was holding the baby and he was asleep but then woke up to be fed. My friend fed him and was trying to settle him again but he wasn't settling and her MIL said "well he was fine with me" , she cried all the way home.
Maybe speak to your DH, does he feel the same way, would he see when it gets too much? Maybe it would be better for him to deal with his parents leaving you to get on with caring for your LO, good luck.

My partner says that he can tell by the look on my face when I'm p'd off! Hopefully this will be enough for him to do something. I'm planning on breastfeeding and also MIL and FIL have moved into ensuite bedroom downstairs so that we can have the whole of upstairs to ourselves so this is probably a big clue that they know how important our own space is.

Thanks girls, you've been a big help

xxx

Pink, I have a 6 week old and am staying with my parents while DH supervises the fitting/tiling of our kitchen (could not face the mess and noise). I am dealing with all the issues you're worried about and like thedoctorswife46 am not very good at saying something when they interfer.

E.g. I didn't want DD to have a dummy while we established BF. They bought her one and gave it to her. I have to admit I have given it to her a few times when she's sleepy but wants to suckle and my boobs can't cope anymore but she mostly spits it out which really pleases me. Yesterday I spotted my stepdad putting it in her mouth when she was wide awake, DD spat it out so he picked it back up, forced it in and held it there as she gagged. Now for as much as I hate confrontation I couldn't ignore that! DD is suddenly the thing I can speak up for (like beanieb says).

I also do the talking-through-the-baby thing. MIL took DD out of my arms when she was crying a couple of weeks ago and started jiggling her around and said "you just want your grandma, don't you". I held my arms out toward her and said "actually grandma its time for my dinner". I even said it in a silly voice but it worked.

I worried about this when I was pregnant but I'm finding my way now and so will you. Don't worry!

Good luck with your little one!

Thanks for that, nice to know I'm not on my own with this one. To be honest, I reckon they wouldn't even attempt to try anything! Think Im just getting over-anxious at the mo!
Hopefully we will have own house soon

just a thought maybe you could get your mum to have a word that goes but in a kind of chatty way

' I'm trying to give them a but of space to establish themselves its so hard when you bring a new baby home but you need space to work it out '

sometimes they hear it better from another grandma!

Oh god Lula I would have lost mind if my parents or PIL had done any of the stuff you just described, especially the you just want grandma comment . Good on you for sticking up for yourself and your DD. It's really hard at first and it caused me loads of stress and almost pushed me into PND. It just takes time to get your confidence but don't be afraid to assert yourself as you are not just doing for yourself you are doing it for your LO too. Remember you are Mum and you are always right .

Oh Grandma is full of comments which minimise my role in my daughters upbringing and make DH sound like he conceived her on his own.

She will not say DD looks like me, not one single thing. Over lunch a couple of weeks ago she even claimed that DD looked just like her "Its probably the hair" - DD has a head of dark hair (like me) - MIL is blonde!

She also had plenty to say about me BF - she doesn't agree with it (ruins your boobs!). Over the same lunch when DD was hungry 2 hours after feeding last she implied that she was feeding a lot because my BM was poor quality but there was a lot of it.

To be honest, it makes me laugh now (well actually the BF one made me cry all the way home)

Oh no no no Lulabelle, that is outrageous, how have you not decked her yet? Does your DH stick up for you? She probably doesn't like you BF cos she doesn't get to feed her. She sounds very irritating. If you can just laugh at it you are a much stronger and reasonable person than me, she sounds like a nasty piece of work and TBH a complete moron (thinking specifically about BF comment)

wigglesworth I think you're exactly right about why she doesn't like BF. She went through a phase on trying to get me to FF. At the same time, she's always trying to sneak a peek at me feeding DD. She starts a lot of sentences with "I know they say breast is best but...". DH sticks up for me but has lived with her comments for years so a lot of them seem to go over his head.

If you think the BF comments upset me, you should have heard her absolutely slate my wedding! She made the invites as a present to us, sent them out (stamps were also part of the present) and my mum called me the day after to tell me she'd put the wrong date on and spelt the venue name wrong. We'd even checked drafts but it somehow all changed.

I used to cry all the time about her but I think that she's a bit jealous of my relationship with DH - they aren't very close and she'd have loved a DD herself but had boys. She asked us if we'd give DD the names she had picked out if she'd had a girl (Er, no). It just makes me pity her really. Makes it much easier to ignore her comments - or atleast rant at my mum about them when DH isn't in earshot!

These comments bring it all back.My MIL did the "talking through the baby" thing saying to my ds1 "You don't need your mum" and used to walk off into another room with him.(Drove me nuts- that's why I'm off loading on here 10 years later .)I bit my lip to try to keep the peace - BIG MISTAKE. Luckily,SIL was pregnant with her first when I had DS2 and MIL could indulge herself as much as she liked round there - took the pressure off me.I remember when my mil went out with DS1 in the pram for a bit of granny bonding time.I said she could just take him out for a short walk as it was a really cold day- she turned up about an hour and a half later-DS1 was freezing,when I told her that, MIL said "He was fine when he was with me.". LOL at your comments Lulu.....I have 3 children .... how could they possibly be anything like me/my family ...DH did it all himself !

My MIL did say to me about a year ago that the children were a credit to me. I'm surprised I didn't pass out. (Sorry for hijacking/ rambling on but sometimes I just have to let it out!) I suppose I'm just trying to say that things do get better as you get more confident in your role as a mother and then the mil stops playing "Mother Superior."

Lol! I hijacked it too - sorry Pink.

Is there a my MIL is a PITA? I could post on that all day!

Op, could you say something to the ils along the lines of how much you appreciate them for all they have done for you both - in letting you live there and giving you the upstairs space. Especially as you were a little concerned that you did not want to rely on them too much once the baby arrives as you know that you will have your own place soon and you will then have to do everything yourselves. Having the upstairs to yourselves will hoepfully mean that you can learn the ropes in your own way.