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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children and Weddings

64 replies

musgrove · 09/03/2009 23:27

Am I being unreasonable? My brother-in-law is getting married and my DD ( aged four ) and her cousins ( aged six and three ) are bridesmaids and a pageboy. But then they're not invited to the reception. They're trained, don't chuck food around, run amock or throw hissy fits but it's been made clear that they're not welcome, and we should get them a babysitter for the meal and 'maybe' they can come in after the speeches. The reasoning behind it is that the bride doesn't want to spend extra money on kids' meals! I find the whole banning of children at weddings really weird anyway ( surely if the kids are screaming and causing trouble you just take them outside ) but when it's close family it feels very mean. Isn't it??

OP posts:
LadyOfWaffle · 09/03/2009 23:28

YANBU are you supposed to drive them home??

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 09/03/2009 23:28

YANBU. Have them looking cute in the photos and not feed them? That's just wrong.

HeadFairy · 09/03/2009 23:30

Tricky one, there are lots on here who say their wedding their choice. Personally I think it's wierd to invite someone but say their kids aren't welcome, doubly so if it's family. Are they not part of the family too? I wouldn't have dreamt of saying to anyone they couldn't bring their children. In the end quite a few relished the idea of a night away from them, but some did bring their children. Could you suggest you bring some food along for your dd, a packed lunch perhaps?

PlumpRumpSoggyBaps · 09/03/2009 23:31

I have to say, I'm usually very firmly in the 'their wedding their choice' camp but this seems very rude! Makes me wonder if they'd say the same thing about any other member of the wedding party (e.g best man, father of the bride etc.)

I'm afraid to say that I haven't got any useful suggestions to offer (if you were asking!) but would definitely say YANBU here!

slowreadingprogress · 09/03/2009 23:31

utterly bizarre

methinks someone has fallen prey to bridezilla-dom........

Original poster
musgrove · 09/03/2009 23:31

No, the couple live nearby so they're meant to wait there with a sitter whilst the grown-ups have their dinner!

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 09/03/2009 23:33

WTF?? Bride and Groomzillas. How bloody rude. Family!!!! I hope your DH tells him to pull his head in! They should hire someone to look after the Kids Table and made it fun for them while the speeches were going on!! Cheeky twat.

feedthegoat · 09/03/2009 23:35

I think it's people's individual choice whether to invite children or not but you can't have it both ways. I do think it's completely unreasonable to want them there looking sweet when it suits them and then kick them out when it doesn't!

upagumtree · 09/03/2009 23:36

Ok...so the children are part of the wedding party creating the whole ooh ahh ensemble for the bride but she doesn't want to pay for their meals afterwards?!? WTF? YANBU

In fact it is a slap in the face IMO...grrr!

Original poster
musgrove · 09/03/2009 23:39

It's all such a shame as my DH and his brothers are really close. In fact everyone agrees that it's outrageous, but what can we say? I've thought of bringing a packed lunch or paying for their meal. Weddings shgould be fun but it's turning into a nightmare.

OP posts:
upagumtree · 09/03/2009 23:43

I would tell her that she is out of order...and how dare she be so disrepectful toward the children. No I wouldn't hold back with this one.

Original poster
musgrove · 09/03/2009 23:47

Thanks to all. You're right, have to say something.

OP posts:
slowreadingprogress · 09/03/2009 23:48

It's a symptom of Bridezilla-itis. I've seen a friend go down with it. People are no longer seen or appreciated for who they are but are all suddenly only seen for what use they can be; whether it's to sit with old uncle so-and-so to stop him drinking all the wine, or whether it's being a convenient age to look pretty in photos....

She's lost the ability to see that there are people involved here and that these children do not solely exist to make her photos have the requisite number of bridesmaids...I agree with upagumtree, I wouldn't hold back either! just tell them, no I won't 'disappear' them after the photos!

wrongsideof40 · 09/03/2009 23:53

YANBU - they can't have it both ways - the thing about paying for kids meals sounds odd - is it just a red herring ? is r kids - is she afraid they won't behave ? Is there someone who could be an intermediary and have a quiet word and say how difficult its going to be to get someone to look after the children for a couple of hours ? (we had a creche at our wedding !)

Often I look at these AIBU threads and think people are getting themselves in a right stooshie over nothing - but this is really tricky - you could really fall out over this - so stay calm and maybe try speaking to your MIL - along the lines of - its such a shame that x and y aren't invited to the meal they were so looking forward to it ... maybe she can exert some influence on yur BIL !

alarkaspree · 09/03/2009 23:54

The logical thing would be for you to say you are only willing to bring dd to be a bridesmaid if she's invited to the whole event. It's horrible and rude, as everyone else has said, to invite her to be part of the wedding party but not to attend the reception. But if they then said 'okay, then we won't have her as a bridesmaid' would that backfire on you horribly? Either because dd would be devastated or because it would be logistically difficult for you to attend without her?

TinkerBellesMumandFiFi2 · 10/03/2009 00:03

I know it's always a tricky subject, but this is completely different! They're using the children and that's not on. Either they're part of the wedding party or their not and she needs to decide which she wants.

Thunderduck · 10/03/2009 01:43

YANBU. I've no problem with child free weddings, but if the children are members of the wedding party then they must be invited to the reception.

spinspinsugar · 10/03/2009 03:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nooka · 10/03/2009 05:41

How much money could it possibly cost for three small children to have something to eat! That's really quite unpleasant What do the other parents think, because I really think someone (although ideally not one of the parents) needs to say that what she is suggesting is really not on.

warthog · 10/03/2009 06:12

i thought this was going to be the usual wedding - no kids dilemma but this really takes the cake.

so your kids can show up, look cute, smile nicely for the camera, but please then piss off!! no food??? outrageous!!!

YANBU

Eve4Walle · 10/03/2009 06:43

My cousin got married a few years ago and asked my DD (her God-daughter) to be a bridesmaid. But she didn't ask my nieces and nephews, or indeed, any other children at all, which didn't go down well with the family.

In fact, it's caused a huge rift between my Mum and my Aunty and they refuse to speak to each other now, which is very sad. The bride's reasoning was that there were 25 kids who could in theory have been invited but the cost of a childrens meal was £35 a head which they weren't prepared to pay.

It's hard to say where I stand on this really - I don't think this is too unreasonable, but at the same time I also appreciate that people do odd things with their wedding arrangements and sometime you just have to let them get on with it.

mylifemykids · 10/03/2009 08:00

You would be being unreasonable if they weren't part of the wedding party!

I do think it's completely out of order BUT do you think the kids would have a better time with a sitter anyway? I'm assuming they'll be fed there, they can change out of their 'outfits' and have a run around instead of being stuck sat with a roomful of adults and not being allowed to get off their chairs.

I still think the bride is wrong for stating her reason as she doesn't want to pay for a meal though!

cory · 10/03/2009 08:58

Totally unreasonable in the present instance, as she does not want a childfree wedding: she wants children as a nice accessory that she can use when required and then put away. Not on!

AnguaVonUberwald · 10/03/2009 08:58

i would just say, that you completely understand that they don't want kids at the reception, many people want a child free wedding, but in that case, sadly, they will not be able to be part of the ceremony, as you will have to arrange a day long activity for them - otherwise they will feel very disapointed and like they have missed out.

That should make it clear that its all or nothing, without haveing to throw a temper tantrum!

NewTeacher · 10/03/2009 09:02

Out of order!!! If it were friends I would undestand but this is immediate family! Tell him to get his finger out!!! If is fiance is being that penny pinching why doesnt he offer to pay???

They want your kids for bridesmaids etc then they shoulod be there for the whole thing!!!