Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Children and Weddings

64 replies

musgrove · 09/03/2009 23:27

Am I being unreasonable? My brother-in-law is getting married and my DD ( aged four ) and her cousins ( aged six and three ) are bridesmaids and a pageboy. But then they're not invited to the reception. They're trained, don't chuck food around, run amock or throw hissy fits but it's been made clear that they're not welcome, and we should get them a babysitter for the meal and 'maybe' they can come in after the speeches. The reasoning behind it is that the bride doesn't want to spend extra money on kids' meals! I find the whole banning of children at weddings really weird anyway ( surely if the kids are screaming and causing trouble you just take them outside ) but when it's close family it feels very mean. Isn't it??

OP posts:

snuffyp · 10/03/2009 12:18

Why have them as bridesmaids etc when you don,t want them to stay?? just to look good on the photos???? i really don,t like children not being invited,i find it mean spirited.I think these people need to think to the future when there parents and there children are not invited.Personally it my dd was,nt invited i would,nt bother going!!.It never bothered me about chldren at wedding if there had been more children i would,ve hired a kids entertainer

Original poster

musgrove · 10/03/2009 12:26

I thought that I wasn't being unreasonable... now I'm convinced!

The children do know that they're being bridesmaids already, so would be devastated to find they weren't now allowed.

I think part of the problem is that they can't afford for lots of children ( fair enough ) so are worried that they can't ban some and not others. But my issue is that my DD and her cousins are close family and, as everyone has said, part of the wedding party.

It would be really upsetting for everyone concerned to get them to do their duty and then ship them off. My SIL, DH and other BIL all agree it's bad, but no-one wants to cause a rift.

Hopefully we can resolve it amicably and couple can agree to a children's table. As everyone says : three kids' meals won't break the bank. My DD loves eating, but even she couldn't eat £35 worth of food in one sitting!

OP posts:

wishingchair · 10/03/2009 12:34

I don't think anyone with children would complain that their kids weren't invited but other children were part of the bridal party. There is a very clear distinction there. Bridesmaids/page boys are very much a part of the reception meal ... it would be weird and not protocol at all if they weren't there ... what about the toast to the bridesmaids and the little gift they get??? I LOVED that bit when I was a bridesmaid as a child.

I would just say that shipping them off would cause a lot of hassle and upset amongst the children (who knows what state they'd come back in?!) so can you just pay for their portion of the meal. Avoid getting into a "you're disrespecting my child" kind of argument that will just escalate and get out of hand. Stay factual and address the cost issue. If it isn't cost, but some other weird bridezilla issue, it'll come out then I guess!

DandyLioness · 10/03/2009 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

spiralqueen · 10/03/2009 13:51

Appreciate you don't want to cause a rift but the bridezilla has already caused one herself if she's upset you all.

I mentioned this on a weddings forum and the response was let your DD and her cousins attend but turn up with wild hair and grubby faces

Totally agree with wishingchair. I'd be inclined to suggest that you parents will leave with the bridesmaids/pageboys. Then you've all been there for the important bit and would also save them some more money.

katiestar · 10/03/2009 22:13

My DD was aflowergirl last year and she was so thrilled and honoured.I told the couple not to worry about inviting my other 3 children who are boys and not remotely interested - or too young.
I actually said did they want DD (who was only 6) to be picked up before the reception.Which they very happily agreed to.When the time came DD got really upset and didn't want to go because lots of other children were there. So I asked the staff to set a placa for her andshe shared my meal.
Seriously it is a big honour and so exciting for a little girl to be a flowergirl or bridesmaid, I really don't know why people can't just be grateful and do what they can to fit in with the couples arrangements.

ChippingIn · 10/03/2009 22:56

Katie, it's one thing to 'offer' and quite another to be asked... and in the end, even though you offered, they accepted... your daughter got upset and you allowed her to stay, so how exactly is this fitting in with the couples arrangements??

(I know your sons didn't go, but they weren't part of the wedding party either).

MollieO · 10/03/2009 23:13

My compromise would be to agree to go to the wedding but not allow your children to be photographed. That way your dcs get to dress up and participate in the wedding but bride doesn't get her cute wedding photos (which will be costing her a far greater wedge than a few chicken nuggets).

I'm all for choice at a wedding and don't have a problem if ds isn't invited too but this is just weird.

nooka · 11/03/2009 03:19

There is a huge difference between a parent making a suggestion and being told that their children are not welcome, especially around something as petty as cost. Personally I don't understand the children are not welcome line at all. To me weddings are primarily abut family, and children are as much family as grown ups. I guess it depends on whether you think it is a privilege to be an appendage to the bride, or whether the bride is privileged to have the children to attend her.

hidetheribbons · 11/03/2009 13:52

I agree with all previous posters, YANBU! It also puts you in an awkward position in that you would have to leave the wedding to take the children to a babysitter (even if one can be found who isn't already at the wedding) and possiby miss the reception yourself. The only way you could do it would be to whisk the kids away before the photos are taken, and the bride wouldn't want that, would she? (I assume she wants photos of cute kids but not the noise, etc)
Also, who would have to foot the bill for a babysitter if you have to pay for one?
Having to take the kids out would make the day very disruptive for you too, especially if you have to bring them back again later.
Faced with such a choice I would be inclined to say I'd take them to the wedding ceremony only and miss the reception altogether.

katiestar · 11/03/2009 14:17

chipping In -The reason they were restricting children was financial, so it didn't cost them anything extra as she didn't have a meal. Also the bride suggested i ask the stff to do this as DD was crying - I wouldn't have suggested it myself.

DaphneMoon · 11/03/2009 14:22

I agree with Jack99 a page back. She is using your DS, send her an invoice for her services. I have never heard of anything so selfish in all my life. She either wants them there or not. If it was me I would not go at all to the wedding.

Divineintervention · 11/03/2009 14:25

THey either have your dcs or they don't, tell them you will provide photo of them to photoshop the dcs in the photo if that's all they want them for!!

Divineintervention · 11/03/2009 14:27

This selfish bride and groom stuff does wind me up, who says on your wedding day you can be selfish wankers and treat others like shit? Very very strange custom.

Flip

1 2 3