Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children and Weddings

64 replies

musgrove · 09/03/2009 23:27

Am I being unreasonable? My brother-in-law is getting married and my DD ( aged four ) and her cousins ( aged six and three ) are bridesmaids and a pageboy. But then they're not invited to the reception. They're trained, don't chuck food around, run amock or throw hissy fits but it's been made clear that they're not welcome, and we should get them a babysitter for the meal and 'maybe' they can come in after the speeches. The reasoning behind it is that the bride doesn't want to spend extra money on kids' meals! I find the whole banning of children at weddings really weird anyway ( surely if the kids are screaming and causing trouble you just take them outside ) but when it's close family it feels very mean. Isn't it??

OP posts:
Stayingsunnygirl · 10/03/2009 09:05

But if the bride then says that the OP's dd can't be a bridesmaid, won't the little girl be devastated, Angua?

Personally, I'd contact the bride and say that you feel it's very unkind of her to use the children for their photogenic value and then refuse to feed them, and that you can't endorse your child being nothing more than a stage prop for this woman's perfect wedding - and that if money's so tight that she can't show your dd that little bit of respect, that you'll pay for her meal yourselves. I'd ask her straight out if she'd treat a grown-up that rudely!

And I second those who say that the bride is being a total bridezilla, and a rather unpleasant person into the bargain.

AnguaVonUberwald · 10/03/2009 09:23

Stayingsunnygirl - possibly, but thats the point of the whole day treat. If the OPs DD is young enough to be distracted by something very exhiting - like a trip to a theme park with friends? But it would have to be a whole day thing. I think the DD would be pretty devastated by being left with a babysitter for hours, after being a bridesmaid too!

TheCrackFox · 10/03/2009 09:34

This is a new one on me and possibly the winner of Bridezilla of the Year award.

She can't have it both ways. The couple sound positively unpleasant and selfish. Do they think your DD is a toy and when they have finished playing with her they can put her back in her box?

Personally, I wouldn't go.

DandyLioness · 10/03/2009 09:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 10/03/2009 09:40

I agree with crackfox - they can't have it both ways. I'm pretty much of the 'their wedding, their choice' camp, but this is neither one thing nor the other. If the children are to be pages and flower girls, they have to be at the reception; anything else will be impractical for the parents (and will look very bizarre to onlookers).

MrsTittleMouse · 10/03/2009 09:46

I bet this is the first ever children and weddings thread where we all agree! YANBU - either they want a child-free wedding, or they don't and they can't have it both ways.

completelyabsolutely · 10/03/2009 09:48

I think DandyLioness has made a very good point - would they treat any of their adult guests this way, no they certainly wouldn't so why do they think they can be so incredibly rude to small children?

Do you think they are actually more worried that the children will make a lot of noise during the speeches as they have said they can come back when they are over and instead of doing the sensible thing and saying to you beforehand - if the children kick off would you mind taking them out until all the formal bits are over - which I think is a perfectly reasonable request, they have come up with a stupid reason - ie the money - that the children can't be there?

Either that or they are completely insane and not very nice.

jack99 · 10/03/2009 09:49

Sounds like she is just too tight to pay for their food which, after they have done their job at the church, is just unforgiveable!

Has she always been like this?

DandyLioness · 10/03/2009 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

QuantitativeMeasure · 10/03/2009 09:51

How much is a kids meal anyway?

Ridiculous idea.

jack99 · 10/03/2009 09:53

Why not send them an invoice for the cost of your children's "services" at the ceremony?

DandyLioness · 10/03/2009 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Mumcentreplus · 10/03/2009 10:07

Gosh!...they are weird!...weddings are about family!...I still remember as a child the fun I had at weddings getting to meet cousins and making new friends watching my parents and other adults dancing and having fun ...sounds like they are happy to use the children in the photos for the 'cute' factor but they don't want to have to feed them!...very strange...and they didn't think you might be a bit peeved?

swanriver · 10/03/2009 10:18

Is it because she is worried about floodgates opening and there being lots of other eligible children who'll need kids' meals and then she won't be able to afford so many adult guests? I can see it would be a budgeting problem. I've seen this situation before with Brideszilla when a dear friend is not allowed to bring a recent boyfriend because of budgeting constraints and Aunt Mabel gets the invite instead. But in this case you are family so it's worth gritting your teeth and trying to come to some solution. Imo people without children really don't get babysitting issues, they assume it's easy to park children anywhere and that we the parents are just being neurotic and difficult. You can't expect her to know this until she has children herself, annoying though she is.
But perhaps you could get round it by asking through a third party (?) if it might be possible for there to be a kids' table with sandwiches etc? Could that really cost £35 per head? Caterers must have had this issue before.

wb · 10/03/2009 10:18

I don't think a 'pick and mix' attitude to children at weddings is right. Either they are invited or they are not. But speak to your BiL about this, not his wife to be. He must have agreed surely, so shrugging his shoulders and saying it is all her as her idea is gutless.

jack99 · 10/03/2009 10:26

As theswe children are acting as bridesmaids, the floodgates issue does not apply. Everyone will expect the bridesmaids to be at the reception, and there will be some amazed comments when the guests realise they have been banished!

marina46 · 10/03/2009 10:31

I do think people should have what they want for their big day however feelings of small children should be taken into consideration. I only had our god children at our wedding even though we know lots of other children because thats 1. what we wanted 2. all we could afford. Either invite children to the wedding as a whole or not at all so that parents can organise a babysitter for the whole day and the children know where they stand. I think this situation of children being used as a prop then cast away is just mean. I agree BIL should be included in sorting this out.

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/03/2009 10:38

how bloody stupid!!

i am for childfree weddings AND wedding with children

but to do one inbetween

and over money - 3 kids meal wont break the bank!!

if it is over money, what would happen if you offer to pay for childrens meal yourself (tho you shouldnt have to)

are they the only children there? is it the bride trying to be kind so that they wont be bored in meal/speechs?

I often do wedding creach's, so i am in a room (in same place) with a friend and look aftre/play/feed children during meal/speeches then children go back to parents

is this an option? yes they wouldnt know the nanny but if they get upset, then myself or friend will go and find the parent (we have the table plan and mobile no)

Mumcentreplus · 10/03/2009 10:43

They are part of the wedding party! I really don't understand ..you don't have to invite everyones children.

spiralqueen · 10/03/2009 10:45

That's appalling. Are they expecting you to pay for DD's outfit as well?

You say the couple live nearby but do you? I wouldn't want my DD to be farmed out to a sitter who she didn't know for the meal. I would think most of the people who were likely to be sitters would be at the wedding so not able to look after the children.

If your DD doesn't know she's supposed to be a bridesmaid/isn't already excited about it I'd give the bridezilla the choice. Either you/we pay for our DDs meal or none of us will be coming.

Stayingsunnygirl · 10/03/2009 10:52

I think it is possible to have a wedding where there are some children, but not the children of every guest - in fact, I've been to just such a wedding.

Dh and I went to a wedding where there were a few children present - mainly ones who'd been in the wedding party, plus the children of close family - but our dses weren't invited - and dh and I were perfectly happy with this arrangement. In fact the groom (a close friend of dh) apologised for not having enough room at the reception for our sons, and we told him that it wasn't a problem at all.

We quite understood that their numbers (and funds) were limited, and that family (including children) had to take precedence - and I wouldn't have dreamt of making them feel bad for this.

Rindercella · 10/03/2009 11:18

Err, your BIL & his bride are asking for your 4yo DD to be bridesmaid & then not allowing her to go to the reception???? My normal thinking is that if a couple decide not to have children at their wedding, then that is entirely up to them. However, to ask a child to be a bridesmaid and then banning that child from the rest of the day is beyond belief nasty. I would find it very difficult to attend the wedding at all, let alone allow my child to be bridesmaid. However, I wouldn't want to cause a family rift, so would try my hardest to find a compromise.

LouMacca · 10/03/2009 11:20

i thought this was going to be the usual wedding - no kids dilemma but this really takes the cake.

so your kids can show up, look cute, smile nicely for the camera, but please then piss off!! no food??? outrageous!!!

YANBU

Completely agree with above post by warthog. Totally out of order!!

mumeeee · 10/03/2009 11:58

YANBU. If the children are being bridsmaids and a pageboy. Then they should be at the reception. DD1 is getting married in a couple of weeks time and all close family children are invited to the reception. That includes cousins of her and her fiances.

PlumBumMum · 10/03/2009 12:05

Agree with everyone else, if the children are part of the bridal party they should be at the meal, what is the price of a couple of kids meals at this stage anyway

Swipe left for the next trending thread