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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to start again at 43?

65 replies

whitestripes · 08/03/2009 16:24

Brief summary...

I am 43 with 2 children wanting to start up a relationship with a 48 year old who is divorced and also children.

I can't get out of my head that I am too old to start again and it's too late for me now.
43 just seems so old to me and I think I this is it for me now.

Oviously there would be the difficulties of step children ,previous partners etc.

Is it possible to start again?
Would appreciate anyones elses experiences.

OP posts:

moondog · 08/03/2009 16:25

43 isn't old.

Go for it!

choosyfloosy · 08/03/2009 16:29

Not exactly my experience but my mum met the person I think is probably the love of her life a week before her 60th birthday. I would hate to think when her life eventually does end that she'd missed out on (so far) 15 years of fun and love.

You don't have to run this relationship by any rules except your own, so make sure they are the rules you want. e.g. you don't have to live with him (though you can if you want), you don't have to sleep in the same bed all the time (though you can if you want), you don't have to marry him (though you can if you both want) etc etc etc.

I have to say I thought I'd had my chances aged 33... I met dh the next year and had a baby within 10 months - you never know what's round the corner.

Original poster

whitestripes · 08/03/2009 16:29

I suspose I have reservations because this person I knew 16 years ago and we have'nt seen each since so in my head we are both a lot younger.

I can't help but feel apprehensive .

OP posts:

Original poster

whitestripes · 08/03/2009 16:32

That's a reassuring story choosyfloosy.

Maybe it's me that has all these worries,especially about sex etc and have got it into my head that our we have missed our chance.

OP posts:

smudgethepuppydog · 08/03/2009 16:34

I think it's natural (and wise) to feel apprehensive about starting a new relationship when children are invloved no matter what your age. 43 ain't that old, go for it. You only get one crack at life, don't look back and wonder 'what if...?'

Lulumama · 08/03/2009 16:34

my friend is in a new relationship at 42, and engaged, after her H left almost 2 years ago

another friend started again , as it were , at 39

43 is barely half way through your life !

don;t write yourself off, but yes, there is baggage, emotional stuff to deal with, and complications of step children and exes, but where there is a will, there is a way

no point not even trying

choosyfloosy · 08/03/2009 16:37

OK, it's the classic exercise... iiiiiimagine that you are on your deathbed (cheery eh) and your niece/child is asking you 'Did you ever want to go out with anybody after Dad left' and you say 'Well there was someone... he was an old flame and I worried that we wouldn't be able to recapture the freedom of an early 30s relationship because we both had ex-partners and children....'

How would saying that make you feel? Sensible, or sad?

There are no guarantees in life - statistically you could be halfway through your life with another 43 years to go, or you could be a year away from coughing it - who knows? Who knows whether you can manage stepparenthood etc? Maybe it needn't go that far - what if you just went out together without living together? Would that be less scary?

Original poster

whitestripes · 08/03/2009 16:40

That's what is worrying me most.

The children and the exes.

It would be a lot to take on and difficult for all concerned.

I know people do it all the time.

Like you say if I don't try that would be writing myself off.
No one would ever get with anyone else after divorce if that was the case.

OP posts:

GossipMonger · 08/03/2009 16:42

totally agree with Choosy!

You cannot live life thinking that your life is over at 43!! Good God woman!!

Go for it. Have a great time. Keep it simple to start with and see how it goes. Do not let this opportunity pass. It could be the best thing you ever do.

Original poster

whitestripes · 08/03/2009 16:46

I would feel sad that I did'nt try.

At the moment we are just catching up on old times and keeping it casual.
We are enjoying getting to know each other again after all these years through e mail.

We still even after after all those years just connect.
We have the same interests and can just connect,it's difficult to explain.

OP posts:

duchesse · 08/03/2009 16:54

43?? Prime of your life, woman!

If he's a nice man for god's sake go for it if you think it's right. Starting a new relationship that could last up to 40 years or more, is perfectly viable.

You still have time for a whole new career! Some of us are still having babies in our 40s...

LoveMyGirls · 08/03/2009 16:55

I thought women in their 40's were in their sexual peak? So on that basis I say go for it, get cracking so you can have the best sex of your life! (and companionship and all that malarky)

Life's too short to be worrying about should or shouldn't imo if it feels right and you both want to then go for it, I'm sure your children want for you what you want for them.........to be happy!

Enjoy!

Original poster

whitestripes · 08/03/2009 17:31

My children are still pretty young though and adore their dad.

The other mans children are older.

Still along way to go and may not come to anything but your messages have given me hope and feel a bit better about the whole situation.

As for exes ,that could be difficult.

OP posts:

sincitylover · 08/03/2009 18:17

Have had the best sex I have ever had in my forties.

Go for it

piratecat · 08/03/2009 18:21

whitestripes, you are doing a me!! Scared? out of tocuh with dating? not sure if you cuold have anyone else in your life cos it's too odd? Lacking confidence? Scared it will all go wrong anyway and you may as well not put yourself thru it?

i hope, if you take it slowly that you will be able to ease yourslef into the new phase of your life.

Original poster

whitestripes · 08/03/2009 18:27

Sounds promising re the sex

As I said it is very very early days and think we are both frightened and unsure about what is happening between us.

Lots of obstacles in our way which seem impossible at the moment.

Not even sure that is what he wants for the future.
He is probably enjoying his single life and may not want to get involved again.

OP posts:

Nabster · 08/03/2009 18:32

Or he could just so want to get into your knickers and is worried you don't want a relationship.

slowreadingprogress · 08/03/2009 18:43

my best friend got married at 40, first time, and had her first baby at 45!

Definitely not too late at your age to start anything! blimey! I think you just need to think of it as a completely seperate thing to your family; this could be simply a few dates, you don't need to worry yet about re-constituting families etc.

just lighten up on yourself and have fun, 43 is no age!

AnyFucker · 08/03/2009 18:59

I am 43

I am having the best sex of my life

My life is in no way at the stage of "settling for what I know"

You have 40 more years left (maybe more)

Give it a try, with your rose-tinted specs fairly off, with an open and mature attitude. Lets face it, by our age, we can spot problems a mile off and have the life-skills to sort them out before they becme too big

Trust yourself to handle it !!

Original poster

whitestripes · 09/03/2009 17:30

There just seems so many obstacles in our way.
It would not be an easy ride.

It is scary.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/03/2009 19:51

scary yes

but you are not ready to be put out to pasture yet

why obstacles ??

stepfamilies are complicated, and often require a great deal of tact and for all concerned to act in a grown-up fashion

please don't be put off by "problems" that may never even come to fruition

Original poster

whitestripes · 09/03/2009 19:56

I suspose in my mind I am putting up endless barriers.

Fianancally
LOcation,we live 3 hours apart
children
exes
access to children
children taking to new partners

exes taking to new partners in their childrens lives

jobs
schools

etc etc

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/03/2009 20:07

details, mere details

macdoodle · 09/03/2009 20:09

scary yes obstacles yes been there doing that!
I am nearly 38 and have been seeing an old friend from 12 years ago for 3 months - I have never felt this happy (and the sex is phenomenal) - I find myself thinking of a future and even another baby !!!
I have 2 small DD's, a very scary ex, NM lives 700 odd miles away and works away but we seem to be doing pretty well - GO FOR IT

TheFallenMadonna · 09/03/2009 20:12

My mum and dad separated in their early fifties. Their new partners are a much, much better fit for them, and they are very happy.

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