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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to start again at 43?

65 replies

whitestripes · 08/03/2009 16:24

Brief summary...

I am 43 with 2 children wanting to start up a relationship with a 48 year old who is divorced and also children.

I can't get out of my head that I am too old to start again and it's too late for me now.
43 just seems so old to me and I think I this is it for me now.

Oviously there would be the difficulties of step children ,previous partners etc.

Is it possible to start again?
Would appreciate anyones elses experiences.

OP posts:
Original poster
whitestripes · 09/03/2009 20:14

I wish I could see it that way.

Whatever happens,if anything at all this moment in time am sure there will be a lot of heartache for all concerned.

It is early days but can't help feeling he was the one that got away.

Sounds silly but I just feel it should have been.

OK we have only been back in contact for 3 weeks but it's like we were never apart.

I have been feeling really lovesick.

I have hardly eaten,can't concentrate on anything else,he is the last thing I think of at night and the first thing in the morning.
Sounds silly at 43.

People have commented these last couple of days that I have lost weight and seem pre occupied.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/03/2009 20:18

look, you are more likely to regret something you didn't do, than something you did

pre-occupied?

I'll say your hormones are doing a merry dance

Original poster
whitestripes · 09/03/2009 20:22

All these other stories are very encouraging.

But know my ex will not be happy with it,how do you overcome that hurdle?

Also this all pie in the sky at the moment as not even sure this other guy wants me back after all those years.

He has been deply hurt in the past by me and others and so may not want to get into anything serious.

We are just getting to know each other again after all those years apart and have'nt even seen each other in all those years.

Although when I pointed out to him that I felt old in my forties he said in my mind oyu are still 27.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/03/2009 20:24

not sure it is any business of your ex, don't even let that into your thought processes

the rest of what you say, well I dunno, only you know the situation

take it slowly, this one may not work out I guess

if this one doesn't, stay open to the thought that others may

Original poster
whitestripes · 09/03/2009 20:24

Pre occupied-I think they meant although I am here I seem somewhere else.

Which I am most of the time.

As for hormones,I wonder if I am starting to go through the menopause and that would explain certain things.

OP posts:
Original poster
whitestripes · 09/03/2009 20:28

That's it though,have never really wanted to get involved again.

I just want him,which is a bad place to be in.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/03/2009 20:29

certain things like what?

a sudden fondness for tartan slippers?

a hankering after american tan tights?

an obsession with hard-boiled mints?

what?

macdoodle · 09/03/2009 20:33

My ex is not happy about NM not in the least - is being abusive aggresive and punishing me through the DD's - I am not going to put my life on hold for him, I did that for a very long time, I want to be happy and at the moment NM does that
Are you going to let fear of your ex stop you living your life for ever
Please dont do that, take this chance for happiness and grab it tight with both hands you will never regret that, though you may regret it if you let him go !!

Original poster
whitestripes · 09/03/2009 20:37

Just been feeling spaced out,like I am here but not.

Can't sleep,am up til all hours ,panic attacks,constant need to play music and get lost in it,no appetite,over thinking all our conversations,analysing everything.

I have noticed the weight loss in my face,neck,shoulders and someone said I should go to the doctors I don't look well.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/03/2009 20:41

whitestripes, my last post was designed to make you laugh

have you lost your sense of humour too ??

lady, you have it baaaaad

Original poster
whitestripes · 09/03/2009 20:49

I let him go 15 years ago and regret it.

This is the first time we have talked about it in 15 years and I realise how badly I hurt him.
So who knows?

AF-sorry,I took it too literally.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/03/2009 20:56

I'm sorry too, I am trying to jolly you up a bit and have just realised you are really upset about this

have a hug instead

27T · 09/03/2009 21:13

My wife left me and my 13 year old daughter 10 years ago when I was 40 - I met a wonderful woman and we got married and have a great life. Last July we had a baby girl (her first, my second). I am now a SAHD.

If I had spent my time hoping to get back with my ex, worried about upsetting her and being scared about the problems of a relationship with a younger women and all my baggage, financial committments, family issues etc etc, I would be now living a miserable lonely life.

Sure it could have gone wrong but nothing ventured........

Original poster
whitestripes · 09/03/2009 21:15

Thanks AF-I am upset that I now realise the extent of the hurt I caused him but we are starting to get passed that and he holds no grudge againest me.

Strangly he has made me feel happier than I have felt in a long time.

I asked him if he still had feelings for me.
He replied with

"I am happy to hear from you"

So I replied with

"Will take that as a no then"

His reply was

Do not take it as a no.
I have lots of feelings of allsorts,many have been buried.
You have been a major part of my life.
In my mind I still care about you.
Circumstances have limited that in the past.
In my mind I still fancy the pants off you.
For know,I am enjoying knowing you again.

Would be interested in anyones honest opinion of his answer.

OP posts:
Original poster
whitestripes · 09/03/2009 21:17

27T-that gives me hope,thanks.

OP posts:
mrsjammi · 09/03/2009 21:19

This reply has been deleted

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mrsjammi · 09/03/2009 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
whitestripes · 09/03/2009 21:26

Thanks mrsjammi-it seems all so complicated.
But then would all be worth it if things worked out and we did get together.

OP posts:
27T · 09/03/2009 21:39

Whitestripes - I think you have your answer.

He cares about you, he fancies the pants off you, he sees you as still 27 and he makes you feel happier than you have in a long time.

It doesn't get any better than that - don't worry about the other stuff. It'll sort itself out - or it won't. Enjoy the ride.

FeelingOld · 09/03/2009 21:51

whitestripes - life is complicated but we cant let that stop us being happy.

I met my new partner last year when i was 43 and he was 54 (he dont look it or act it!!) and I must say at no point did i think i was too old to start again, quite the opposite, i thought i was too young to spend the rest of my life alone.
My new partner proposed to me on valentines day this year and i said yes, we dont plan to marry just yet, there is not rush, we want our kids to get used to the idea of having new people in their lives. We dont live together, in fact we live 28 miles apart and at the moment we are happy with that but we do eventually want to live together.

Just dont rush things, take your time, go at your own pace and as long as both sets of children are happy it doesnt matter about your ex.

Oh and the others are right, sex can be fab!!

Original poster
whitestripes · 09/03/2009 21:54

27T-It is nice to have a mans perspective on the situation.

It sounds to me like he is being cautious and who can blame him.

Would you say from his answer he is saying there may be hope or do you think he is just happy to continue knowing me as a friend?

I know that is hard to say but would appreciate an answer from a male point of view.

OP posts:
CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 09/03/2009 21:58

43?? your a spring chicken

GO FOR IT!!!

27T · 09/03/2009 22:25

Yes - he is being cautious. He probably doesn't want to seem too eager in case he gets rejected. He is probably not wanting to be hurt again. He certainly won't want to come over as too needy.

He has played it just right - very classy and a lesson to us all

He has told you he fancies the pants off you and, clearly, you rock his world and have done so for at least the past 16 years.

I see that you contacted him - if he wasn't up for it then you would know by now.

I think it is SO on.

Original poster
whitestripes · 09/03/2009 23:06

27T-thanks for that.

It was actually him that contacted me so I guess he would'nt have if he was'nt interested.

Here's hopeing.

OP posts:
27T · 09/03/2009 23:21

Even better - good luck with it. Don't over-think it all and let family, kids and ex's sort themselves out.

Enjoy it sweetie, I'm guessing that you deserve to treat yourself to a little love and affection.