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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate 'making friends' in the playground?

112 replies

debs40 · 05/03/2009 16:01

Well, I'm not a miserable person honestly. I always enjoyed mixing and making friends whilst working (I'm self-employed now and work from home), but does anyone else find 'making friends' in the playground a chore/stress?

My son is in Y1 and changed schools in October. I have quite some good friends locally and I made a few of those through ds' attendance at the old school.

But I always used to find the daily pick up a chore as you tried to make superficial banter with people you didn't know. I admit I largely did this for the sake of ds when he wanted to invite people back for tea etc.

Anyway, I was sort of grateful to start again at a new school as the playground chat at the old one often became a real pain. There was always someone getting upset that so and so hadn't said hello or had ignored them or had not invited little dd/ds to their child's party etc etc. I was glad to take a back seat and be the new person no one knew.

Now, having been here a few months,a bit of PTA'ing and saying hello I have again ended having to do the banter, make the effort etc etc. It always seems like a competition for friends though and people seem to be ruder than they would in 'normal life'. It's like being back at school

For example, one mum I have had a coffee with a few times is also new and knew no one. However, she now has the most annoying habit of coming over and saying hello and then drifting off from you when you are mid-sentence if someone else she's trying to make friends with comes past that she wants to talk to. I'm sure she wouldn't do it in the real world

I know, I know, it is so infantile and petty and I hate myself for getting annoyed about it but then that is why I hate the playground!

OP posts:
mylifemykids · 05/03/2009 16:05

YANBU! I hate it too and my DS is only at nursery (school attached). I'm dreading September when he starts in the school...there's only so much small talk you can do 'yes it is cold/hot/windy/wet'. I look forward to Friday and the 'are you doing anything nice this weekend' conversation because it's the only interesting conversations that happen!!

PaulaMummyKnowsBest · 05/03/2009 16:41

YANBU

That's why I stand at the back of the playground

I can't bear it

mrsruffallo · 05/03/2009 16:58

YABU
I don't understand this at all. Get there just as they are leaving, then you won't have to chit chat.
It's not compulsory!

onthepier · 05/03/2009 16:58

YANBU! Small talk just for the sake of it does become boring, + although I've got good friends at the school gate, there are days when I want to just pick up my two + go, but because the older one comes out 10 min. after the youngest I'm always waiting around!

There was a time when one of the mums who we'd always been friendly with, seemed to take a sudden dislike to us + threw dirty looks in my direction if my dc's even approached her or her daughter! I knew we hadn't done anything, I'd actually done her lots of favours (at her request), picking her dc's up from school if she was working late etc.

Anyway, I started to dread the school pick-ups as I had to find ways of stopping my dc's from going to her, (unfair to them as we'd been good friends for a few years).

She's moved now so I don't have to worry about it. Sounds silly, but school gate issues can really dominate + you start to feel like a child yourself!

piscesmoon · 05/03/2009 16:58

It is friendly chat that helps the world go round! It doesn't cost anything to smile and be pleasant.
You can't have too many friends-I always think it odd when people say they already have friends as if there is a quota! You never know who might turn out to be a good friend-most of them will just be aquaintances but it doesn't stop you being pleasant.
YABU

mrsruffallo · 05/03/2009 16:59

But are people there to entertain you with witty banter?

Fimbo · 05/03/2009 17:04

I get where you are coming from Debs, I have made friends with a woman, who I have absolutely nothing in common with, simply because my ds and her ds are in the same class at school. She nosed all the way round my house, staring at things and poking her nose into rooms where the doors were closed when I invited her round for the first time and even opened my lounge curtains as I hadn't got round to doing them before, that just got my hackles up and now whenever I go to town she asks to meet me for coffee as she lives in the city centre and I don't like to be mean and say no.

ABetaDad · 05/03/2009 17:19

I hate it as well. As I have said before the correct strategy is:

  1. Arrive late
  1. Walk straight in
  1. Grab child + stuff
  1. Walk out.
oregonianabroad · 05/03/2009 17:22

oh god.

I just drove past the school where ds will start next year and was thinking how much I am dreading all of this next year.

this thread hasn't helped.

Original poster
debs40 · 05/03/2009 17:26

Picesmoon - who said I wasn't being pleasant or I had 'enough' friends? I have always made efforts to get people together and have organised nights out etc. That is sort of the point. I'm used to an environment where you get to know people by being yourself, acting like a grown up and saying hello and goodbye etc.

The playground is not like that. Instead, you get people being rude, dumping others when new people come along, excluding people etc etc. I always end up thinking - why bother?

onthepier - I agree. I know people who've found themselves in the middle of some bitchfest for something they or their child might or might not have done. Why can't you be normal and friendly?

I blame too many people, with too much time on their hands .....!

OP posts:
Original poster
debs40 · 05/03/2009 17:27

Why can't you be normal and friendly?

That should read 'why can't they' of course!

OP posts:
seeker · 05/03/2009 17:31

I just DO NOT get this at all. If you are at work, you chat to people, if you are in the queue in the supermarket you might chat - why do some people think that there is a completely different species to which they do not belong called "mothers waiting in the playground for their children", as opposed to themselves - who are "Much more interesting with better things to do mothers waiting in the playground for their children"

It's 15 minutes max a day, people!

2rebecca · 05/03/2009 17:33

When mine were young I just did the odd polite hello and didn't bother chatting. Sometimes I'd take a book to read.
I've never seen picking up my kids as a social occasion so never felt the need to make small talk. If you find it stressful don't bother. Arrive just as the bell goes or take a book.

jazzandh · 05/03/2009 17:36

I hate it all too. My son is at pre-school - so have years of this to come (until he can go on the school bus ).

was making polite conversation with a Mum yesterday - when another one came up - unknown to me - from another class, and just started talking to the other Mum about some land she had just been to see. Completely ignored me and the fact we had been talking.

I wouldn't be like that to a stranger at a bus stop!

I hoped I'd left all this childish crap behind when I left school!

Agree with ABetaDad....or go one better and send DH on school run!

Original poster
debs40 · 05/03/2009 17:39

But seeker that is what I'm saying. I really am a people person and I miss that working from home. BUT my experience of the playground is not that you chat to people like you do at work or in the supermarket. I'm sorry but sometimes seems like there is a whole different species out there.

I have seen angst, upset, people desperate to make friends, others feeling very let down when new 'friends' pallied up with others or weren't as chatty as they expected in the playground. It's like being with a bunch of 13 year old girls.

I've been to two schools now and they are both the same.

The answer is probably not to get involved but then as others have said, that seems a little sad

OP posts:
Original poster
debs40 · 05/03/2009 17:40

Exactly jazz - that is what I'm talking about. No social niceties. People just barge in, up turn conversations, talk endlessly about their own problems and are often downright rude.

OP posts:
Flightattendant27 · 05/03/2009 17:41

I hate it and dread it every day - not that they're horrid, quite the opposite, a great bunch - but I hate social stuff full stop, and always have done. I find it incredibly difficult.

2rebecca · 05/03/2009 18:04

I find it really strange that so many people get worked up about this. I never felt under any obligation to chat at the school entrance, mind you I don't chat much at shops either, or at bus queues. I'm happy to stand there silently daydreaming or reading a book. I'm not being rude, I just feel no desire or need to make small talk. If someone spoke to me I'd be friendly.
Also its not far from home to school so kids were walking home before long. Still sometimes pick kids up from secondary school as its further away and we're often then going somewhere. never felt stressed out by that either, but then fewer parents milling around and those there stay mainly in their cars as older kids able to spot them and kids not needing walked home I suppose.

myredcardigan · 05/03/2009 18:13

Blimey! Where are these weird 'political playgrounds'?

At our school, we just arrive, say hello, choose to talk or not, pick up children then leave. Sometimes I chat, sometimes not.

Sure, there's networking going on but it's for the sake of the kids and nobody pretends otherwise. Sometimes that networking becomes genuine friendship but mostly not. It doesn't stop me chatting and being pleasant just because they're not my bestest mate.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 05/03/2009 18:18

I love it at DS's school, everyone is very friendly and there's none of that competitive stuff. However I hated it at DD's old school as although only up the road, there was a totally different atmosphere and it wasn't nearly so pleasant.

grumblinalong · 05/03/2009 18:19

I don't know where some of you live but some of your playground people sound awful. Everyone at my ds's school is pretty normal - unless I'm just too ignorant to pick up on the complexities of it all. I do have my head in the clouds most of the time so just don't notice the cliques/bitchiness maybe, but it's all such a brief encounter. I hope I'm not viewed as 'desperate' just because I smile at everyone.

Original poster
debs40 · 05/03/2009 18:19

It may be the school.... or the area...I do live in Wiltshire!

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 05/03/2009 18:22

How very odd!
Is this really going on or are you imagining it all?
Playgrounds are now real life for me, as I will have DC's in school for quite some time.
We do have some odd balls at the DS's school, but generally people are very friendly

Original poster
debs40 · 05/03/2009 18:39

Lizzylou...if only I were imagining it all but I've had too many girls mums moan to me about how so and so won't invite darling dd to her party or they've asked so and so to come to toddler group with them but have found out they're going with someone else to know it is real enough.

So, yes, it is odd. Hence the post.

Seems people have noticed similar things! Perhaps the others are the ones too busy looking out for someone new/better to talk to or droaning on about their delightful dd/ds or holiday or extension or swim club or Rainbows or ballet blah de blah blah blah

OP posts:
minko · 05/03/2009 18:45

YANBU!! I could have written your post. At our school I used to wonder why I was always first back at the car park with DD, but realised it's because I can't be arsed with all the chatting that goes on. It is all the same-old same-old conversations. I think if you are going to make friends with anyone then it will happen, but don't feel obliged to chat the chat with everyone. It's the cliques that drive me mad - some women just seem desperate to be liked. It is like school all over again!

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