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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to hate 'making friends' in the playground?

112 replies

debs40 · 05/03/2009 16:01

Well, I'm not a miserable person honestly. I always enjoyed mixing and making friends whilst working (I'm self-employed now and work from home), but does anyone else find 'making friends' in the playground a chore/stress?

My son is in Y1 and changed schools in October. I have quite some good friends locally and I made a few of those through ds' attendance at the old school.

But I always used to find the daily pick up a chore as you tried to make superficial banter with people you didn't know. I admit I largely did this for the sake of ds when he wanted to invite people back for tea etc.

Anyway, I was sort of grateful to start again at a new school as the playground chat at the old one often became a real pain. There was always someone getting upset that so and so hadn't said hello or had ignored them or had not invited little dd/ds to their child's party etc etc. I was glad to take a back seat and be the new person no one knew.

Now, having been here a few months,a bit of PTA'ing and saying hello I have again ended having to do the banter, make the effort etc etc. It always seems like a competition for friends though and people seem to be ruder than they would in 'normal life'. It's like being back at school

For example, one mum I have had a coffee with a few times is also new and knew no one. However, she now has the most annoying habit of coming over and saying hello and then drifting off from you when you are mid-sentence if someone else she's trying to make friends with comes past that she wants to talk to. I'm sure she wouldn't do it in the real world

I know, I know, it is so infantile and petty and I hate myself for getting annoyed about it but then that is why I hate the playground!

OP posts:

seeker · 05/03/2009 18:51

One person's clique is another person's group of friends!

jazzandh · 05/03/2009 18:54

Oh all the Mums at DS school are "nice" - when there is no one better to talk to.

It's just rather superficial - it is "politics".

I think the sad truth is - it's just women en masse. The ganging up thing you see in 5 years old girls never actually goes away in some. It just seems odder when you see it almost as an observer in women over 30!

traceybath · 05/03/2009 18:55

I posted about this on another thread but today i was a little miffed/upset as another mother came and asked me and another mum if we were going to the 'drinks thing' tomorrow.

Then small embarassed silence as i knew nothing about it and clearly haven't been invited.

Normally i'd just let it brush over me but today it did sting a little as i'm pretty confident/friendly and talk to all the mums.

Of course it may have been just a few mums and not the whole class which is how these things are generally organised.

supergluebum · 05/03/2009 18:57

YANBU, the majority of the mums don't talk to me even if I do get there early. But minute to minute timing has ensured that recently I don't have to speak to anyone, and that I don't get into any sticky situations suchas agreeing to pick up other peoples kids for them .

jazzandh · 05/03/2009 18:58

Yes but a clique seeks to be exclusive, and prevent those not deemed "worthy" of entering...that is rather different from how I wish to experience group friendship!

Lizzylou · 05/03/2009 19:09

Debs, my commiserations, I hadn't realised how lucky I was, most of my rl friends are also playground Moms as we moved to the area when DS1 was a toddler.
All I can suggest is to rise above it, sorry.

strictmumof3 · 05/03/2009 19:15

This is a very odd post. I pick up my DS from school, chat and come home. I don't take offence when someone moves on to chat to someone else or people don't say hello. My ultimate game is to get the kids, talking is an optional extra!

minxofmancunia · 05/03/2009 19:18

dd is still in nursery but I'm dreading this, there are 3 schools near our house 2 religious and 1 secular, her name is down for the non religious one which is supposed to be the least bitchy most open minded and friendly, that's not the only reason I want her to go though!!

I've heard proper horror stories about the catholic one up the road where there's a war on to get your kids into it, loads of fakery and pretendy church going to get the all important "stamps" ffs. Not only are the mothers reputed tp be bitchy and hostile (chrstian values anyone) to each other but I know for a fact thru work that one of the sn kids who's autistic is openly ostracised and aliented by the parents and they encourage their kids to do the same, and to his poor parents who're having a really shit time of it, makes me .Can't have precious little Sebastian being near anyone that's different can we

(apols to anyone with a child called Sebastian I'm sure they're lovely

Original poster

debs40 · 05/03/2009 19:20

Cliques and exclusivity are horrible but a fact of life I suppose. I just can never get my head around GROWN UPs embracing them and deliberately hurting/offending others.

At my last school, I went the extra mile and arranged two out of school get-togethers and a couple of other things. I invited EVERYONE. I can see that some people are shyer than others and some are intimidated by overbearing Boden mummies and some just like to be asked but would never come - I mean no one wants not to be invited surely.

The amount of bitching - oo you've not invited so and so - etc that went on was awful. Then you get the ones who come out, have a drink, chat to others and then ignore them on Monday morning, causing angst!

I just think it is odd. People in real life don't tend to act like this and as I stood talking to a woman today who had asked me a question, only to let her eyes wander and her break off to start to talk to someone else, I think what is it with the playground!!

OP posts:

springlamb · 05/03/2009 19:23

When dd went into reception I embraced the whole 'playgrounds mums' things - chats, coffees, lunches, evenings out, the whole kaboosh.
In Year 1 I realised that I had ended up socialising with a group of people with whom I had very little in common and who didn't really give a hoot about me (a life crisis showed that). So I went weird and gradually extricated myself.
Last term dd changed school and I am determined not to go beyond what is necessary in order not to disadvantage dd socially (ie wouldn't want her to miss out on invitations because of her weirdy mum).
I'm not going to compromise on this. I smile very brightly at other mums and stay well clear.

Original poster

debs40 · 05/03/2009 19:24

Minxofmacunia - I go to pick up my kids too (obviously) but I try to be sociable, but some people are rude and I see them acting in a way they wouldn't in the office or other areas of life.

I'm not easily to offended and I don't take offence if people don't speak to me. I do take offence at schoolgirl behaviour - walk away in the middle of what I'm saying to talk to someone else. Adults don't act like that!

OP posts:

Original poster

debs40 · 05/03/2009 19:24

Minxofmacunia - I go to pick up my kids too (obviously) but I try to be sociable, but some people are rude and I see them acting in a way they wouldn't in the office or other areas of life.

OP posts:

Original poster

debs40 · 05/03/2009 19:25

springlamb - it sounds like my experience exactly. Healthy distance is the key I think.

OP posts:

ABetaDad · 05/03/2009 19:42

I get the feeling that the playground Mums are like any other social mileu. Its where people work out their societal position. We are no better than a group of apes. We humans still really are animals in so many ways.

Jajas · 05/03/2009 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ABetaDad · 05/03/2009 20:17

I know what you mean about horse people Jajas. I did Pony Club as a child and some of the mothers were hideous.

Most hilareously the best rider was girl who had an ugly pony and her Dad was rough and ready local backstreet garage owner. Put all the 'horsey mummys' noses right out of joint.

Jajas · 05/03/2009 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piscesmoon · 05/03/2009 20:50

'The playground is not like that. Instead, you get people being rude, dumping others when new people come along, excluding people etc etc. I always end up thinking - why bother?'

You must have very weird group of parents! I have always found them completely normal-like any walk of life-the mum in the playground is probably the mum in the office for part of the day. Cliques have never bothered me-the more interesting people are not in the clique.

Original poster

debs40 · 05/03/2009 20:56

Not so weird according to alot of other posts here. Seems par for the course.

Is the mum in the office the same person as the mum in the playground? Not been my experience. Particularly when there's not many 'mums in the office' in the playground anyway!

OP posts:

mumof2monsters · 05/03/2009 20:59

I find the whole playground thing hard too. I have a DS who is in year 3 and initially in reception I used to stand on my own as I can be quite shy and some of the mums seemed to know each other.
Eventually one mum befriended me as she said I was always stood on my own. They were okay to chat to but were quite often moaning about the school/teachers or gossiping about other mums.
Now my DD is in reception and I still find it hard although I try to chat for my daughters sake.
I often feel like I am in the playground back at school again.
I just think well it is only for 10 mins in the morning and afternoon and just smile and try and be friendly. Some of them meet for coffee but I don't often get invited but if all they are going to do is gossip about other mums I don't really want to be part of that.
I thought I had left all this playground rubbish at school 30 years ago but now I am pushing 40 and feel like I am 10 again!

piscesmoon · 05/03/2009 21:05

I am going back a bit! Perhaps the whole playground bit is more competitive these days!

Jajas · 05/03/2009 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nontoxic · 05/03/2009 21:13

Debs YANBU. I thought I was the only one who ever noticed that 'wandering eyes' thing - or the only one it happened to.

If I need to speak with someone about something in particular, I'll wait until they've finished their conversation, or say'sorry to interrupt, can I just ask...' then leave them to carry on with the other person.

I've lost count of the number of times other mums have barged up when I'm talking to someone and start a totally different conversation as if I'm not even there.

Hence I pretty much stand by myself now, as this sort of thing happens so often at our school and I find it embarrassing and pretty soul-destroying actually.

And I can't turn up last minute as they're often late coming out.

You put it very well, Debs, when you said that this would never be acceptable behaviour in the workplace - but so many mothers work nowadays, I wonder if it's now just normal behaviour.

Nontoxic · 05/03/2009 21:13

Debs YANBU. I thought I was the only one who ever noticed that 'wandering eyes' thing - or the only one it happened to.

I've lost count of the number of times other mums have barged up when I'm talking to someone and start a totally different conversation as if I'm not even there.

Hence I pretty much stand by myself now, as this sort of thing happens so often at our school and I find it embarrassing and pretty soul-destroying actually.

And I can't turn up last minute as they're often late coming out.

You put it very well, Debs, when you said that this would never be acceptable behaviour in the workplace - but so many mothers work nowadays, I wonder if it's now just normal behaviour.

Nontoxic · 05/03/2009 21:15

Sorry about double post. Not meaning to cast aspersions on WMs - just wondering if that's now accepted as normal behaviour everywhere now - or do some people just morph back in to their teenage selves when they hit the playground?

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