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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate 'making friends' in the playground?

112 replies

debs40 · 05/03/2009 16:01

Well, I'm not a miserable person honestly. I always enjoyed mixing and making friends whilst working (I'm self-employed now and work from home), but does anyone else find 'making friends' in the playground a chore/stress?

My son is in Y1 and changed schools in October. I have quite some good friends locally and I made a few of those through ds' attendance at the old school.

But I always used to find the daily pick up a chore as you tried to make superficial banter with people you didn't know. I admit I largely did this for the sake of ds when he wanted to invite people back for tea etc.

Anyway, I was sort of grateful to start again at a new school as the playground chat at the old one often became a real pain. There was always someone getting upset that so and so hadn't said hello or had ignored them or had not invited little dd/ds to their child's party etc etc. I was glad to take a back seat and be the new person no one knew.

Now, having been here a few months,a bit of PTA'ing and saying hello I have again ended having to do the banter, make the effort etc etc. It always seems like a competition for friends though and people seem to be ruder than they would in 'normal life'. It's like being back at school

For example, one mum I have had a coffee with a few times is also new and knew no one. However, she now has the most annoying habit of coming over and saying hello and then drifting off from you when you are mid-sentence if someone else she's trying to make friends with comes past that she wants to talk to. I'm sure she wouldn't do it in the real world

I know, I know, it is so infantile and petty and I hate myself for getting annoyed about it but then that is why I hate the playground!

OP posts:
Pristina · 05/03/2009 21:22

YANBU. School politics is a minefield.

MrsDanversAteMyIpod · 05/03/2009 22:10

Yanbu

Unfortunately I think this is how many women are with each other when there aren't many men to neutralise the situation.

Wasn't the whole mn moldie saga just an extension of playground politics? i.e ,you're not in our gang so there

Nontoxic · 05/03/2009 22:19

How depressing.

ABetaDad · 05/03/2009 22:20

MrsDanversAteMyIpod - I think you are right.

My wife says it is much easier for men to avoid this phenomenon than women. Other Mums are more likely to leave a man out of their playground cliques.

2rebecca · 05/03/2009 22:29

Most of the parents at my kids school just stood in 1s and 2s. It was a medium sized primary school with several entrances though. All this networking obviously went over my head. The parents at the school I socialised with picked up their kids at other entrances if they weren't working (like me part time)so I really wouldn't have cared if some of the other parents who were friends chose to go for drimnks together. They're just the parents of the kids at my kid's school, they aren't my friends any more than the people in the checkout behind me at Tescos, who I have no desire to go to drinks parties with either.
Perhaps I'm just good at having a few close friends and not caring much about whether all these other people like me or not.

MrsDanversAteMyIpod · 05/03/2009 22:33

It's because you boys lack the bitchiness radar ABD, lucky you!

MillyR · 05/03/2009 22:39

I agree 2rebecca; I never notice any of this. If a group of women happen to be friends, why should they also attempt to include me just because I'm in the same playground? I wouldn't attempt to befriend people at a bus stop, so why a playground? It doesn't make them a clique; it just makes them strangers to me.

Shitemum · 05/03/2009 22:40

I am very worried about this playground politics malarky as we are moving back to my hometown this year after 18 years abroad and, as I cheerfully tell the dear friends we will be leaving behind, - "I'll have a whole pool of new people to draw from".

If people don't make friends in the playground where do they make friends if, like me, they are new to the area and know no-one?

Nontoxic · 05/03/2009 22:43

My DH, on the rare occasions he picks up, or when he goes to watch a rugby or hockey match, often comes home and tells me he was chatting to (insert name of self-styled social butterfly who totally ignores me and wouldn't know me from Adam if she fell over me) so and so, and 'she's very friendly isn't she?'

He takes sadistic pleasure in saying, 'well, it's obviously because you smell' when I point out my social pariah status.

I envy people who can rise above all this.

tiredsville · 05/03/2009 22:48

Lol nontoxic, their is one paticular mother that barely grunts a hello to me on the school run, but is positively beaming and gushes a great big 'hiya' when she sees DH.

Spidermama · 05/03/2009 22:56

My DH tells me I'm some kind of unreasonable sociopath if I dare to listen to my iPod on the school run or, heaven forfend, read a paper. So I've stopped doing it. I notice that Dads are allowed to read papers, listen to iPods and NOT chit chat, but if a woman does it she's some kind of socio-pathic nutter snubbing everyone.

It pisses me off a lot. I genuinely don't want to talk to people on the school run and only force myself because I've been told it's somehow weird not to. The sooner my kids can come and go on their own, the better as far as I'm concerned.

tiredsville · 05/03/2009 22:59

Yanbu Debs and Spidermama so true. I envy the dads that allowed to entertain themselves instead of having to mingle for the sake of it.

Original poster
debs40 · 05/03/2009 23:00

MillyR - there is a difference between being included - and nowhere have I complained about not being included - and people becoming different and actually being quite rude. People can be friends with whomever they want but my post was intended to raise an issue about people behaving in the playground in a way they wouldn't be in other areas of their life.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 05/03/2009 23:01

I think that playground politics went right over my head! (once they get to secondary you don't have it-so you only have a limited time). I just chatted to people-if a group wanted to go off for coffee and didn't ask me, I wasn't in the least bothered.

Nontoxic · 06/03/2009 08:11

I agree Debs - I don't go in to the playground with a view to making friends, but I don't see why people can't operate under the generally accepted rules of good manners as I understand them.

And if I do start a conversation it's to pass the few minutes' waiting time, not because I'm trying to make a new friend or join someone's gang, so why do some people take it as an opportunity to score a point?

mummyflood · 06/03/2009 08:20

Oh how glad am I that mine are 13 and 15, take themselves to and from school, and this type of thing is restricted to once-a-year parents evenings or the odd information evening!

NEVER again!!

Starbear · 06/03/2009 08:42

Wow! Not looking forward to September! BUT on the other hand I have a very,very rude boss who has no manners at all! Another lad who seems to be upsetting everyone & golden bollocks who can do no wrong. I have to work with them for three days a week!
So shouldn't we be posting solutions?

  1. Never invite anyone back to your house for coffee.
  2. Always have somewhere else you have to go
  3. Take a book or newspaper (this has been my tactic at work for years)
  4. Don't talk about parties in front of DC's in the playground. Avoid the conversation and phone people later! Maybe
  5. Head scarf apparently on another thread this insures no one speaks to you.
  6. Carry around Watch Tower & dress in long skirts

Any more for any more roll up roll up

Original poster
debs40 · 06/03/2009 09:09

My God nontoxic I think we are in the same playground!!

Starbear - genius idea!

OP posts:
Original poster
debs40 · 06/03/2009 09:11

You could add:

1)Never divulge your child's reading level or allow their reading bag to be taken home by someone else!

2)Never invite someone to coffee ignoring the person they are in mid conversation

3)Never call child's teacher by first name in loud voice across playground as if you were long lost childhood friends

OP posts:
LucyEllensmummy · 06/03/2009 10:07

I'm dreading this too - DD is at a play school attached to a school, but she wont be going to that school (cos its crap!). I will then be sending my DD to a very cliquey, quite middle class church shool. I just know that i am going to be billy no mates, which is actually a huge fecking relief! I can't be doing with all the small talk, all the fecking play dates and shit. But i do it, i will tell you why - i was a young mum with DD1, and didn't do the playground thing, as a consequence, DD never got invited anywhere ever - i can count the number of parties she attended during her whole 11 years at school on one hand I blame myself for that.

So i will im afraid be trying to make friends at the school gate, although im actually not expecting a warm reception as they are all very alpha mummy type and im well, not .

Starbear · 06/03/2009 10:18

Lucy, just a thought. Ds is an only kid & we have put his name down for beavers. I'm going to see which group out of three will make us feel at home. It might help that she has different people to be friends with and isn't totally reliant on school. What do you think? I'm going to do the same for my boy. Smile and be gracious which is really difficult for me (I normally say something out of order without thinking) My really close friends find this very, very funny and swap stories on how I've embarrassed them.

Original poster
debs40 · 06/03/2009 10:36

Well, I wish you guys were all in my playground!

OP posts:
Oblomov · 06/03/2009 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Jajas · 06/03/2009 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vess · 06/03/2009 11:04

Totally sympatise with the OP, my ds's school is the same!
But then again, I've never been good at this girly-gossipy-cliquey thing at all, in fact I have been completely rubbish at it since childhood. So I just smile politely and chat if somebody seems to want to chat to me - but that's it!
Mind you, I did make one good friend at the school playground - mostly because she was new to the school, and one day she came to me and asked me why are the other mums so rude!