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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend time with my mum instead of partners family on Mothers day???

52 replies

nikki2607 · 03/03/2009 19:29

This is prob going to seem such a silly thing to be asking advice on but would like to know your thoughts please.

My partner has just said we are going to his sisters for lunch on Mothers Day because its his neice and brother-in-laws b-day. I have told him i would rather not go as really want to spend the day with my own mum.

This is going to be my first Mothers Day with my 7month old Baby boy. And is even more special to me as i lost a baby nearly three years ago (was 18weeks preg and lost a baby boy "Joshua")

My partner has had a go at me because he thinks im being unfair by not going to the birthday lunch. I have said i am happy for him to go but i would love to spend the day with my own mum (not mother-in-law to be!)
Any other day i would be happy to go.

Am i being unreasonable by saying this to him?
x

OP posts:
Mintyy · 03/03/2009 19:44

Sorry but I think YABU.

mm22bys · 03/03/2009 19:46

YABABU.

Surely you don't need to spend the whole day with your mum?

There are at least three mums here:

  1. You: hopefully your DH will realise it's a big and important day and will do something nice for you to celebrate your big day, especially since you have had a hard time getting to "celebrate" Mother's Day for yourself

  2. Your mum - yes go see her.

  3. Your MIL - if you want to see your own mum on Mother's Day it is hypocritical not to spend some time too with his mum

We also have a "big" day on the Australian Mother's Day (2nd Sunday in May). It is DS1's fifth birthday, his first that he will get to spend with his grandparents and also Mother's Day. I don't know what we are going to do yet, but I would never ever ever on Mother's Day say play "favourites", in my eyes all MOthers are equal :-)

The other thing to consider, if you haven't seen the other thread, is that your DS is still very very young, and he won't give a toss that it's Mother's Day. Just wait till he is only about 3 (it will fly by..) and you get your first home-made (or nursery-made :-) ) card. That's when Mother's Day comes into its own.

nickytwotimes · 03/03/2009 19:46

Could you have lunch with them and maybe tea or supper with your Mum? Or could you take your Mum to the lunch? We do this in our families, bu tthen there is only me - no siblings - so it is easier.

kayzr · 03/03/2009 19:49

How about you spend the Saturday with your mum?

Then you can go to MIL's on the sunday as it's not just for mother's day it's also for birthdays. Get DP to make you breakfast in bed.

Sails · 03/03/2009 19:50

yabu. I understand you want to be with your mum but your dp has a mum too. Could you not reach some kind of compromise?

thisisyesterday · 03/03/2009 19:54

so... you want to spend time with your mum

but you don't want him to spend any time with his mum, or attend his nieces and B-I-L's birthday???

i think that's pretty bloody unreasonable, yes

MrsMerryHenry · 03/03/2009 19:56

Hmm...I'm wondering whether you have a not-so-great relationship with your MIL to be? I don't see why you can't see both mums in one weekend, but I wonder whether there's another reason why you've not thought of that yourself.

OMG that sounds so Freudian

longhardlookinthemirror · 03/03/2009 20:26

thisisyesterday - I'm confused by your comment...didn't she say she was 'happy for him to go'

compo · 03/03/2009 20:29

goodness, I am a bit ed at the comments
I don't think yabu at all
it's mother's day and you want to spend it with your mum
he can go to BIL's if he wants
sometimes you have to put yourself first
would he mind you taking the baby with you to your mum's while he goes to his mum?

longhardlookinthemirror · 03/03/2009 20:34

..and anyway why would it matter if you missed a 'birthday lunch'? Yanbu... spend mothers day with your mum if that's what you want.

Sassybeast · 03/03/2009 20:44

YANBU

LadyPinkofPinkerton · 03/03/2009 20:50

I do think YAB bit U. YOu need to be fair to your DP too

tiredsville · 03/03/2009 21:02

YANBU I don't see what the problem is with dh visiting his mum and you visiting yours.

Janos · 03/03/2009 21:06

Hasn't OP said she is happy for DP to visit his Mum, she just wants to go and visit hers?

Not unreasonable at all.

ThingOne · 03/03/2009 21:06

YAB a bit petty. Can't you both arrange to see your mums? Can't you all got to lunch with his family and then see your mum later? You say MIL-to-be which suggests you're getting married. They'll be your family as well soon. Or why don't you go over early to your mum's and make her a glamorous breakfast?

I think with a seven month old mother's day just means a card chosen by your DP and written by your DP. I would put the grandmas and the birthday niece first myself.

EightiesChick · 03/03/2009 21:10

YANBU. I too am surprised by the earlier comments. Mother's Day is one of those celebrations where IMO it often makes sense for each of you to go to your own mum's. I appreciate that when you have DC of your own that's more tricky, but in this case it seems obvious to me that OP going to her mum's and her DP going to the birthday lunch is the best compromise.

Original poster
nikki2607 · 03/03/2009 21:18

I rather think some of your comments have been a bit harsh to be honest.

I have said i am happy for him to go.
His family dont live close so would be there much of the day (therefore cant split the day with them) and as for seeing my mum on the sat i cant as she has to work.

I have a good realtionship with my mother in law so that is not the problem either.
I dont mind spending time with his family at all and as i said would any other day but feel mothers day is a day where i would like to see my own mum.

Im sorry if some of you think i am being unreasonable.
Thanks for posts.
x

OP posts:
cat64 · 03/03/2009 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BecauseImWorthIt · 03/03/2009 21:33

Why did you ask if we were being unreasonable, if you already know what you think is reasonable?

beanieb · 03/03/2009 21:35

I think that as you are a new mum and this is your first mother's day it would be a reasonable compromise for you to spend time with your mum and then spend some other time with your in-laws.

Would you be happy going to see your mum on your own and then maybe traveling to see his family?

jellybeans · 03/03/2009 21:41

YANBU it's your day now, do with it as what makes you happy. ps so sorry about your angel, Joshua, I lost 2 at a simelar stage and it's so hard and I also was v lucky to have my living children and I can understand how you feel.

Original poster
nikki2607 · 03/03/2009 21:49

In response to BecauseImWorthIt - i mean some of the things ppl have typed on here and way thigs have been worded.

This is my first Mothers Day and we are a new family therefore i wanted other peoples views of how they would deal with this situation if and when it occurs in their family.

I know its important DP sees his own mum on Mothers Day which is why i have said im happy for him to go and i have also suggested we go to see his family on the sat as i cant see my mum on the sat as she has to work. DP dosent want to do this as he wont then see his mum on Mothers day???

His family dont live close as i have already mentioned therefore unable to split the day between the two.

x

OP posts:
SerendipitousHarlot · 03/03/2009 21:50

I don't think anyone has been harsh

You were asking for opionions, and you got them.

FWIW I can totally understand why you want Mothers Day for you, but that's not always possible.

thisisyesterday · 03/03/2009 21:51

wouldn't you rather be together though?
and if his family live some way away then presumably he doersn't get to see them as often as you see your mum?/

Sorry if you feel got at in any way, I am coming from this from the POV of someone who doesn't go in much for mother's day and all that. I see my mum a lot and appreciate her daily so don't have a need for a special occasion. but understand that others do.

i think that your dp would really appreciate you coming along, not only to see his mum but also to celebrate the birthdays in the family.
is that unreasonable of him? to want you there as well????

smellybulldog · 03/03/2009 22:07

I don't think YABU at all, I often miss DH's family birthdays, not only are there loads of them and I have a small family but sometimes I just prefer to do something with my family or friends instead. Luckily DH is totally cool with it. You don't have to be joined at the hip. I think you should see your mum if that's what you want to do. This mother's day is my first as a new mum so we are spending it just the three of us and not going to the traditional meal out with MIL.