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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to spend time with my mum instead of partners family on Mothers day???

52 replies

nikki2607 · 03/03/2009 19:29

This is prob going to seem such a silly thing to be asking advice on but would like to know your thoughts please.

My partner has just said we are going to his sisters for lunch on Mothers Day because its his neice and brother-in-laws b-day. I have told him i would rather not go as really want to spend the day with my own mum.

This is going to be my first Mothers Day with my 7month old Baby boy. And is even more special to me as i lost a baby nearly three years ago (was 18weeks preg and lost a baby boy "Joshua")

My partner has had a go at me because he thinks im being unfair by not going to the birthday lunch. I have said i am happy for him to go but i would love to spend the day with my own mum (not mother-in-law to be!)
Any other day i would be happy to go.

Am i being unreasonable by saying this to him?
x

OP posts:

cat64 · 03/03/2009 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

nikki2607 · 03/03/2009 22:10

I can understand how peoples views are very differnt in life.
Very interesting how differnt ppl think about things/days in life.
Mothers Day is very important to me as i am very close to my family.

Some people might think im being selfish for wanting to spend time with my own mum on mothers day but it is important to me as i am close to my family.

thisisyesterday - Yes im sure he would want me to be with him but cant always be together. He does see his family often as we go there and they come here. (Just couldnt do both in same day)

Thanks for all your posts. Feel this is my first and maybe last time to start a thread on here for a short time.
Will continue to read yours and comment.
Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

nikki2607 · 03/03/2009 22:12

Thanks for positive/ on my side post smellybulldog. Good to know others view things the same way i do.
x

OP posts:

MrsMerryHenry · 03/03/2009 22:40

Since you can't see your mum on the Sat I can see why you'd rather see her on Mother's Day instead. In this case I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, it seems like your DP is not really showing any understanding of your position.

I also understand the significance of the day having lost one baby before. It sounds like it will be a very meaningful experience for you. Could you emphasise this to your partner - convey how much it would mean to you to have this time with your mother (don't try to argue it logically, which men often want - logic just isn't relevant but somehow people can make it the be all and end all).

I would love to have been able to spend one Mother's Day as a mother and with my own mum as well. You're very lucky. I hope you manage to make it work.

Qally · 04/03/2009 00:47

It appears many of the YABU crew didn't read the bit where you said you were happy for him to spend the day with his own mum, and you with your own. I can't think of much more reasonable than that, frankly. Not unreasonable at all, and have a lovely MD.

And I'm sorry for your loss.

JodieO · 04/03/2009 00:53

How is she being unreasonable if she told her partner she doesnt mind him going to his mums and she goes to hers? Sorry but people are so worked up over mil this and everything else, it's annoying. Some things matter more than that, she lost a baby late in her pregnancy and I'm sure the first mother's day would be nice for her to spend how she wants. I'm sure it wouldn't be the end of the world for any of them to just be accomodating to the op for one bloody year. Sigh.

mm22bys · 04/03/2009 07:41

This is not just about Mother's Day at all. This situation is going to come up all the time, with the families living so far apart.

She and her partner are going to have to come up with an agreement where maybe they do only "do" Mother's Day, Father's Day and Christmas, and any other "big" days alternately.

Yes people will feel hurt, but you are adults and will have to compromise.

It will not be fair to your DH and his family if you continue to insist on putting your family first, I know his are "only" the in-laws, but they count too.

It is also not healthy to split the family either. What is the point then of you too being together and having your own family if you're apart on "big" days?

(And if she can't take negative views AIBU is the last place she should post....)

kayzr · 04/03/2009 09:07

I'm not sure if this has been mentioned but how about going to his mum's on mothers day and to the birthday meal and you go to your mums the weekend before or after. It might not be on the actual mother's day but you can still spend time with her.

nailpolish · 04/03/2009 09:14

if i were you, id ask if it was ok if i invited my mum along to the birthday lunch too

ive done this and its worked perfectly

you and your mum can sit and sip wine while everyone else does the cooking and dishes

nailpolish · 04/03/2009 09:15

if your mum lvies far awaya from you, ask her to come and stay the night before

she will feel v special then

thisisyesterday · 04/03/2009 09:26

i agree with cat64 too... as it's your first mother's day and esp with the loss of your first child I think your partner would obviously really love to be with you on that day.

it isn't a matter of being "joined at the hip", but just htinking about what will make everyone happy.
there has to be a compromise somewhere.

he is not only wanting to celebrate mother's day with YOU and his own mum, but also celebrating family birthdays too. I think it's totally reasonable for him to want you there as well.. his family is just as important as yours is. it shouldn't be a case of "his family" and "my family"... you're all one big family surely?

badbadday · 04/03/2009 09:37

YANBU - and as it's your first as a mother yourself, I think it's important not to set a precedent that you will always go to the in-laws. You are perfectly entitled to go to see your mother. If DP wants to go to see his mother, then fine. I foresaw this problem myself a couple of months ago and have booked flights well in advance for all of us to see my mother (one of the benefits of men never thinking of these things in advance )

gagamama · 04/03/2009 09:41

I think if it was the other way round and your SIL was posting "IABU to want my DB and SIL to spend her first Mother's Day celebrating DH and DD's birthday instead of seeing her own mother?" a lot of people would be saying she was BU.

It's tricky though because this will probably be the only time when these birthdays fall on Mother's Day (presuming they actually do and they haven't just selected a day that falls somewhere in the middle and wanted to celebrate on Mother's Day) but similarly this is going to be your only 'first' Mother's Day. If the same thing is likely to happen every year, then don't go as this will set the precedent for every subsequent year. If it's a one-off, and just a coincidence that these two birthdays happen to have fallen on actual Mother's Day, I think that's a pretty big deal and I probably would go.

insertwittynicknameHERE · 04/03/2009 09:42

YANBU, last mothers day was my first and DH had planned a day out for me and my mum came with us (in fact the whole family did), I had to remind him about his mum so I suggested we ask her to join us, she didn't want to. So we asked her round (we don't drive and they live in the middle of nowhere) to us for the morning to have breakfast and get her presents.

I too wanted to spend the day with my mum and DD, DH understood that, he knew it was totally up to him what he wanted to do. i.e, spend the day with his mum if he wanted to.

gagamama · 04/03/2009 09:46

Also, how old is your neice and how close are you? Is she likely to be hurt or upset that her auntie didn't want to be there for her birthday?

compo · 04/03/2009 10:14

I think Nailpolish has come up with the best idea

lemons27 · 04/03/2009 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

independiente · 04/03/2009 11:34

thisisyesterday - 'his family is just as important as yours is'. Surely that means hers is just as important as his too? She wants to spend Mother's Day with her own mother, and is perfectly happy for her DH to spend it with his mother. DH wants her to spend it with him and his side of the family. Someone has to compromise. If she is BU, then equally so is he.

emandlucas · 04/03/2009 13:11

nikki2607. i haven't read all of the posts but YANBU in my opinion. I always have to spend mothers day with my MIL. My mum lives 3 hours away so it is difficult to see her, but when I suggest that we go to visit for the weekend, we can't as we have to see MIL, even last year when it was my first mothers day. It's your day as well now, so spend time with your mum and your baby.

2rebecca · 04/03/2009 14:24

No, you're not being unreasonable. I don't see why your partner thinks you have to visit his family together.
Some people seem to get a bit control freaky when they marry/get in a serious relationship and don't like their partner not coming with them. Tell him that it's unfortunate his family have birthdays on mothers day but he's welcome to visit them and his mum for mothers day but your spending part of the day with your mum and are taking baby because you are her mum.
I don't see why a future SIL and neice would be that upset at you not coming to dinner either. If it was me and my birthday was on mothers or fathers day I'd understand future inlaws preferring to see their parents. They are much closer family after all. I've rarely spent my birthday with my siblings since I was an adult, its big birthdays only. We usually have spouse and children meals, or when the kids were small went out for dinner (having had a mini-celebration with them earlier). I thought it was just in the Archers that everyone in the extended family went round each others houses for every birthday.

Rubysmom08 · 04/03/2009 14:36

YANBU- his mom his problem! Thats the motto in my household, my 1st mothers day was completely ruined by my mil and in order not to become biter and resentful I am spending my 2nd mothers day doing what I want, no one else, remember you're a mom.

JemL · 04/03/2009 15:09

thisisyesterday

"I am coming from this from the POV of someone who doesn't go in much for mother's day and all that. I see my mum a lot and appreciate her daily so don't have a need for a special occasion. but understand that others do."

So everyone who wants to spend time with their mum on Mothers Day is compensating for their lack of daily appreciation?!If you don't go in for Mothers Day, (as the OP clearly does) is there much point in you posting on this topic?

messymissy · 04/03/2009 15:21

Well, hmmmmm, what a very mixed bag of replies!

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable. Its your first child, your first mothers day and it is only natural for a woman to want to share that with her own mother. Go spend the whole day with your mum doing what you want. Your DH should understand that this could be a memory making day.

We all have birthdays every year - we only have one first mothers day!!!!!!

will the niece etc really be that bothered that you aren't there? Surely given your previous loss they will want you to have the day of your wishes. Your DH should support you, offer to visit his mum the following week, or invite them over and offer to cook, but whatever you do you, chose the day you want as you will regret it otherwise and feel resentful.

I don;t think that everyone who wants to spend time with their mums on md is compensating for lack of daily appreciation at all. I see my mum twice a week at least and still we make a fuss of her on mothers day.

NeedCoffee · 04/03/2009 15:34

Agree with messymissy. I don't think you're BU at all, if possible then take your mum with you, but if not, do what makes you happy

2rebecca · 04/03/2009 17:18

Her mum might not like them though. I don't think I'd be keen on my kids trying to persuade me to spend mothers day with their boyfriend/husbands relatives. Often inlaws rarely meet and are almost strangers.
Having dinner with your daughter and her boyfriends extended family sounds quite stressful to me.

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