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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to spend my birthday with MIL

55 replies

badbadday · 02/03/2009 16:37

My birthday this year falls on a weekday when MIL is due to come to our house to see DS and the DSC (don't live with us but are with us every other weekend and one afternoon/early evening each week). She comes roughly every other week on a Thursday for this purpose, but as she is on holiday, will not have been for a couple of weeks and so would be due to come on my birthday (she stays for around 4 hours, so basically most of the evening)

I work weekdays but would like to be able to come home and either have a nice meal in the house, or pop out for a meal with DH and children.

So ideally it would be better if MIL didn't come on my birthday. The reason I'm hesitating is that I generally find her a complete pain (won't go into it now but she is in passive agressive territory) and so I would be dreading my birthday instead of looking forward to it if she was in my house when I got home. I had thought of meeting a friend for dinner instead, but that way I wouldn't get to see DS and so don't want to do this

If MIL wasn't to come on my birthday, she could obviously come the following week when the DSC are there

OP posts:

Hawkmoth · 02/03/2009 16:39

Don't see a problem. Can you ask her to babysit and have a meal out?

But definitely put her off for a week. I didn't have the birthday I wanted this year due to pandering to someone else's wishes, and it's not healthy. Even though I know it's a selfish notion, I would have liked the evening with my DP, instead of hiding in my room, feeling like crap.

twoluvlykids · 02/03/2009 16:40

yanbu. just re-arrange it for another evening, just b/4 or after your birthday.

go out and have a meal with your family, book it now before you think about it (the mil visit)

enjoy!

LilianGish · 02/03/2009 16:41

YANBU.

Juicygirlpink · 02/03/2009 22:06

YANBU - same thing happened to me, last year & I did give in (il's stayed for a week!) my birthday night was sat in a local bar with m & fil & dh) & this year I will be too pregnant to move! (baby no1 due 2 weeks later) so bang goes my last birthday with dh! - ah well- stand your ground!

Original poster

badbadday · 03/03/2009 07:41

Thanks all
juicygirl congrats on the pregnancy and good luck

OP posts:

FannyWaglour · 03/03/2009 07:52

I really dont understand it when adults put such emphasis on their birthdays. I am assuming you are very young.

Could you either say nothing, and mentally prepare to have a nice day and celebrate your birthday either the day before or the following day? Or, like somebody says, ask her to babysit while you and your dh go out for a meal?

You are really lucky to have family who takes interest in you and who wants to spend time with your children. This could be an invaluable resource if you are prepared for a little give and take. No reason why you should sit home and be irritated with this woman being in your home spending time with her grandkids.

Original poster

badbadday · 03/03/2009 08:19

unfortunately I am not very young, no!

I do not place a lot of importance on my birthday, but it would be nice to do something given that I'll be at work all day. My MIL is a PITA and slagged me off last week to my DS that I "neglect him by going to work all day and leaving him". I do feel like it would be nice to have a pleasant day, rather than one having to listen to her

She has never once offered to babysit and on the 2 occasions she was asked, refused. I don't know why you're assuming she takes an interest in me - like I said, the reason she'll be due to come down on my birthday is because she'll have been on holiday and this is the next time she can see the DSC.

OP posts:

FannyWaglour · 03/03/2009 08:22

Well, in that case, take charge, tell her it is not convenient, and reschedule for next week. And have a great birthday!

2pt4kids · 03/03/2009 08:26

Tell her that your friends or your DH have arranged a meal out for you as a birthday treat so can she come the day after instead?

crabbymum · 03/03/2009 09:12

YANBU

I would not like to spend my birthday with my MIL, re-arrange it and see her another time. Enjoy

troutpout · 03/03/2009 09:18

Brilliant opportunity for mil to do a bit babysitting so that you can have a meal out on your birthday
surely?

Dropdeadfred · 03/03/2009 09:20

re-arrange it

troutpout · 03/03/2009 09:21

oh...just read the rest of thread...mil does not ever babysit

Arrange to go out definitely

ChippingIn · 03/03/2009 11:04

FannyWaglour - Why shouldn't adults enjoy their birthdays? I like to celebrate mine. I don't like that you have to up the number each year and I've reached the age where you start to go backwards...but it's better than the alternative - life is for celebrating!!

Re-arrange for sure... it's your birthday (and not hers) so enjoy it!!!

slightlyharried · 03/03/2009 11:22

i'm with you - don't let the one day when you might actually get to go out and have some proper time for being a normal person be overrun by some bulldozer - stand your ground get someone else to babysit and let her know you'll be out .. if she wants to see everyone else that much she can come another time ...

piscesmoon · 03/03/2009 11:29

Just change the day-surely these things aren't set in stone, everyone needs to be flexible.

Nightcrawly · 03/03/2009 11:32

YANBU, it is your birthday, just say you have other plans. Tell her to come on Friday instead, why should you have to move your birthday to Friday?

muppetgirl · 03/03/2009 11:34

you seem to have a very rigid visiting arrangement with your MIL -has this never happened before?

I would say you can do what you want on your birthday but you might really upset her and give her more fuel in future arguments. You also might find yourself having to explain just why you don't want her to come round!

Original poster

badbadday · 03/03/2009 11:43

muppetgirl - the reason the arrangements seem so rigid is that she's only ever been interested in visiting us when the DSC are with us! And that arrangement is ridid due to DP's arrangement with his ex.

She wouldn't be interested in visiting the next day, or at the weekend, because the DSC wouldn't be there

OP posts:

muppetgirl · 03/03/2009 11:54

I see...

Would say it's far to rigid though. Do you not do things as a family or is it everything works around her? Not critcising btw just interested

Jux · 03/03/2009 12:04

Just tell her that week is not convenient and she can come the next. After all, did she ask you if she could go on holiday, or consult you over the dates? I think not.

gagamama · 03/03/2009 12:05

Tell her she's welcome to come over, but that you and DP will be going out for dinner. And say thanks for the offer to babysit! Seriously, don't give her the option. Just assume that's why she's coming round.

Original poster

badbadday · 03/03/2009 12:05

agree it seems rigid, and it does my head in. Basically, the DSC are with us every other weekend and every Thurs afternoon/early evening. So the arrangements tend to be that she comes down every other Thurs, and then about once a month we go up to her's for a meal at the weekend (of course we're never invited when it's not a DSC weekend!)

The Thursday thing is a PITA generally - basically I come home from work about 6ish and they're all at the dinner table eating. She looks me up and down to see what I'm wearing first off, and then proceeds to talk c* for the rest of the time about her clothes/shoes/holidays, generally ignoring the DSC she came to see

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 03/03/2009 12:30

I would start to have 'plans' on these thursdays and take the dsc out somewhere without her

Original poster

badbadday · 03/03/2009 13:26

dropdeadfred - very tempting, except DH wouldn't go for it

I used to get around it by going to the gym on Thursdays after work, but now I have DS and rush home to see him

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