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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to spend my birthday with MIL

55 replies

badbadday · 02/03/2009 16:37

My birthday this year falls on a weekday when MIL is due to come to our house to see DS and the DSC (don't live with us but are with us every other weekend and one afternoon/early evening each week). She comes roughly every other week on a Thursday for this purpose, but as she is on holiday, will not have been for a couple of weeks and so would be due to come on my birthday (she stays for around 4 hours, so basically most of the evening)

I work weekdays but would like to be able to come home and either have a nice meal in the house, or pop out for a meal with DH and children.

So ideally it would be better if MIL didn't come on my birthday. The reason I'm hesitating is that I generally find her a complete pain (won't go into it now but she is in passive agressive territory) and so I would be dreading my birthday instead of looking forward to it if she was in my house when I got home. I had thought of meeting a friend for dinner instead, but that way I wouldn't get to see DS and so don't want to do this

If MIL wasn't to come on my birthday, she could obviously come the following week when the DSC are there

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 03/03/2009 13:29

YANBU. Birthdays are special. Your territory and the only day of the year that I feel OK about demanding things be just as I want them to be. Anyway, she can just as well come the following week.

Dropdeadfred · 03/03/2009 14:38

can you have plans to take ds somewhere on thursdays?

Original poster

badbadday · 03/03/2009 14:53

tbh I'm very tempted to take DS out for a meal on my own on my birthday, if DH doesn't see the wisdom in cancelling MIL visit. It would be easier if I had any family nearby, but I don't

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 03/03/2009 15:20

Hve you asked him yet?

does she really show no interest in your ds? or her other gc? why does she bother visiting?

Jenbot · 03/03/2009 15:33

Why not just pretend to yourself that friday is your birthday, then your mil can see her gcs who shee's probably keen to catch up with if she's been on holiday?

Original poster

badbadday · 03/03/2009 15:35

Haven't asked him yet - maybe this eve

She's difficult to describe. She goes through the motions of being interested, but never the type to actually do anything with them that she wouldn't do anyway. E.g. her idea of bringing the DSC out (14 and 10) is to go clothes shopping, or for a meal. She never 'chats' with them as such, and would certainly never get down on the floor and play with DS (it might get her clothes dirty). She's very self-absorbed - e.g. talks incessantly about what shoes etc. she has just bought, rather than taking an interest in what DS is doing. I guess ultimately I find her very shallow.

OP posts:

Original poster

badbadday · 03/03/2009 15:37

jenbot - we don't have the DSC with us until the following week

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tootyflooty · 03/03/2009 16:07

I really get impatient when I hear about Mil's from hell. Who do they think they are!!
I would tell her she can't come over as you have already arranged to go out to celebrate your birthday end of. She sounds like a real witch!!. Do you think we will all end up like that? I will have to make sure I am a model mil when my time comes.I want my future dil's and sil to think I am lovely

Original poster

badbadday · 03/03/2009 16:13

tootyflooty - I could always write a book on how not to be a MIL from hell. I have plenty of tips!

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ChippingIn · 03/03/2009 21:38

Do you have to ask you DH - can you not just make plans and tell him what's happening on your birthday & tell him that you've already told his Mum you wont be in that night? I couldn't cope with the rigidity of it tbh.

Original poster

badbadday · 04/03/2009 08:05

DH is very 'touchy' when it comes to me and his mum. Basically says I should try harder to get on with her etc etc. Means that he takes it personally when I suggest any changes to arrangements. Lets say it's a sore point atm.

Not sure if you saw my comment down below about her being the passive agressive type. She'll make pointed remarks constantly which go way over DH's head in terms of her meaning, and then when I bring these up he says I need to lighten up. Eg like her telling 8 mth yo DS the other week that I neglect him by being out at work all day - I just can't see how this can be interpreted as 'just joking', whereas DH says I should accept this is the way she is, and stop being offended. Bit off topic, but that sort of thing does get me wondering - why do adults excuse other adults' rude comments as 'just the way they are', whereas we as adults are always trying to teach children manners, and how to behave properly towards others

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 04/03/2009 08:39

badbadday I did see your other comments. I was trying not to turn it into a complete MIL bash, cos once I get started that's it.... I had the worlds worst MIL (Ex DP, never been married) who was the most evil person on the planet. Thankfully she's no longer my problem (actually no longer anyone's problem as she died a couple of years ago). She really was evil. So I sympathise with the passive/agressive comments, the DH who thinks you should lighten up/just ignore it/let it go, that she 'doesn't mean anything by it', 'it's just the way she is'.... I had many years of this shite. Felt completely unsupported and like crap. All of his brothers treated her like she could do no wrong and allowed us 'DIL's' to be treat like crap. No matter what we ('DIL's') tried to do individually or together made any difference and just caused arguments and tension. FIL was just as bad.

The only thing I can say to you, is that you need to find a way to get through to your DH that if his attitude to this continues in the same vein, he will destroy your relationship. Show his some of these responses, whatever it takes, he needs to understand what he is doing to you and your relationship.

RE: Adults rude comments. I don't know. I guess it's considered acceptable to tell a child how to behave, but not an adult.... even though some of them truely need telling!

Original poster

badbadday · 04/03/2009 09:40

Chippingin - sympathies on your experience! A lot of the examples you give are very familiar here. I wish there were other DIL's in the family to compare stories with, but I'm the only one (although I know DH's ex didn't get on with the MIL either)

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2rebecca · 04/03/2009 10:41

It sounds as though the main problem is between you and your husband and your MIL is a side issue.
You have to meke your husband aware of your preference to spend your birthday without your MIL, and maybe your preference to have a less rigid visiting schedule. If he prefers to side with his mum rather than you over this then that shows a major problem in your relationship, unless your mum is always visiting and your husband is unhappy with that and he maybe sees it as tit for tat.

Original poster

badbadday · 04/03/2009 10:43

My mum lives abroad so that's definitely not the issue

I think the problem is that DH would like to live in a world where everyone gets on (wouldn't everyone?). btw - she will be oblivious that it's my birthday, she has forgotten his for the past 2 years

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2rebecca · 04/03/2009 10:54

Why is it so hard to say to your husband "I'd like to do x on my birthday and not entertain your mum". That seems the obvious thing to do. If my bloke didn't want someone visiting on his birthday I'd hope he'd say so rather than moan about it. It sounds an easily sortable problem. You ring mil and put her off a week telling her why.

Original poster

badbadday · 04/03/2009 11:01

2rebecca - it would be hard to say to him because it would start a row. I came on the AIBU topic to get others' opinions to check it wasn't unreasonable, not just to moan!

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2rebecca · 04/03/2009 16:34

Why would it start a row? I don't think I could live with a man I couldn't speak my mind to because he would argue. If you have to have a fight to get to spend your birthday without your MIL that seems a really sad state of affairs.
Did your parners relationship with his mother play any part in the breakdown of his first marriage?
I can understand her wanting to see her grandkids and having limited time with them due to the divorce, but 1 week wouldn't make much difference and she could maybe take them to the park 1 time or something.

Original poster

badbadday · 04/03/2009 16:52

I agree that it shouldn't cause a row. Thing is that the subject of his mother has become such a thorny issue that any discussions about her frequently end in a row. The 1st marriage didn't end for that reason though

If I suggest we just have a nice meal in, he'll say that since the DSC are there anyway, it will be a good opportunity to have a nice family meal, and that I'm just being nasty saying she can't come, as we're not actually going out.

If I suggest we go out for a meal, that might work.DSC have to be home by 6.30pm and I only get home by 6 (there is no room for negotiation on their dropping home time!). So we wouldn't get out until 7pm - wouldn't be a real problem for DS to go to bed late this once. Thing is though we could really do without the expense of going out for an evening meal just to avoid MIL!!! Especially as I'd be very happy just to have a nice meal in, and get a lovely handbag for my bday instead!

It all seems so complicated

I agree one week wouldn't make any difference for her.

I'll mention it to DH this eve and let you know what happens - watch this space

OP posts:

2rebecca · 04/03/2009 16:56

You aren't being nasty though, its your birthday and you would be happier not to have her there for it.
You could argue that he is being nasty by inssisting your mil visits on your birthday. Even my 12 year old gets to choose who comes to his birthday party, no matter how small a do it is. I wouldn't invite relatives round to a childs birthday if they didn't want them there so definitely think adults should have some choice in who they see.
I would view this as my husband putting his mothers feelings before mine and wouldn't be happy.

ChippingIn · 04/03/2009 22:41

2rebecca I would view this as my husband putting his mothers feelings before mine and wouldn't be happy.

2rebecca - I did (and am pretty sure badbadday does) view it this way - it's changing it that's bloody difficult!!! Trust me, it's not easy and being told it should be isn't the solution - fuck only knows what is though, as I tried to change it for 10 years and got pretty fucking fed up of it!

Gracie123 · 04/03/2009 23:14

You could always do the pre-emptive strike, ring her and let her know that you won't be around on thursday as it's your birthday and DP is taking the family out for a meal. Would she like to come next week to make up?

TBH, a birthday is just another day, could you celebrate it on friday instead?

Original poster

badbadday · 05/03/2009 07:36

update - asked DH last night what was happening next Thurs. He asked if I wanted him to cook me a nice meal when DSC had gone home and I said yes that would be lovely. No mention of MIL. Don't think she's back from holiday yet though so the subject may not yet have come up between them. At least we have decided what we're doing now though, so any change to that (i.e. MIL coming) would be him changing the arrangements

Gracie - It would be so out of the ordinary for me to call her that it would seem really odd. On the actual day thing - it's become more of a point of principle iyswim

2rebecca - I now see (after all these helpful replies) that it's not me being unreasonable, so I'm well armed in case of any probs

Chippinin - agree it's the changing it that's the difficult bit

OP posts:

FlorenceofArabia · 05/03/2009 09:14

Cancel her visit on your birthday but stop whinging about her Thursday visits. She's your partner's mother and the kids' grandmother so she's every right to see them.

FlorenceofArabia · 05/03/2009 09:16

Oh just seen your last post. Don't go thinking YANBU just because you're getting support from the MIL bashers. They turn up on every MIL thread

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