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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be gobsmacked at the audacity of the shopkeeper today

101 replies

LucyEllensmummy · 26/02/2009 18:13

Today i went into a small local gift shop to buy a present for a friends DD. She is having a party and had gone in wiht my DD to buy some beads. This shop sells nothing else of interest to my DD and she already has the beads. So, we buy the beads and the lady said to DD "are these for you" - i winced inwardly thinking, great, how shes gonna kick off - So i said, No, and DD didn't really say anything. She didn't ask for anything and there was nothing in the shop that i really wanted for her as most of teh stuff too young. I just said, oh dd already has the beads, we are buying them for her friends b-day. DD was quite chuffed about this. Then as we were leaving the woman said to DD - oh, aren't you getting anything?? DD didnt answer, she is shy i was like WTF?? So the woman (kindly?) gave DD a little wooden money box which was worht £4. She said, "oh, here i've got to give you something because i think thats really rotten that you have nothing!!" I was VERY tempted to invite the woman round to my house to see just how much "nothing" my DD has. (V. indulgent g.parents and daddy!) She had with her what is clearly a brand new mini-micro scooter, so she blatantly doesn't go without. I couldnt see DDs face to see if she was miserable, but she hadn't asked for anything. Or even shown any interest in having anything otherwise i might have bought her something cheap - IF SHE HAD WANTED IT!!!

So, am i a mean spirited mother who buys other children presents and buys nothing for my DD? I don't think so, in fact im pretty sure my DD is overindulged if i am honest and that was probably the reason why she didn't ask for anything.

I was pretty speechless actually and just muttered thanks and left the shop - i'll not be going back! Which is a pain as the beads are my stock buy for girly presents (they look more expensive than they actually are )

OP posts:

BananaSkin · 27/02/2009 12:41

No, FAQ, I agree. But is was the wording she used, I think, that would suggest that a child is almost entitled to something and that mum is 'horrid' if she doesn't buy something.

Mumnnanny · 27/02/2009 12:58

i think the shop keeper was mourning the fact she had no grand children to give anything to. prob just needs to use another word than rotten.

Mumnnanny · 27/02/2009 13:00

i agree with goodnightmoon. no one should step in and teach your child what is what. only family do that.

pointydog · 27/02/2009 16:56

only family teach a child what is what? god help some of them then

purepurple · 28/02/2009 09:25

YABU
there is a world of difference between "it's really rotten" and "you are really rotten"
sounds like you have too much time on your hands to over analyse every single conversation you have

Ponders · 28/02/2009 09:37

I agree that giving the present was kind, but her choice of words was rotten!

If the shopkeeper had commented how nice it was that your DD was quite happy to be buying something for someone else & not asking for anything for herself, & that the present was a reward for that, it would have been fine.

Songbird · 28/02/2009 09:45

I haven't read all of these but here's but 2 pen'orth. She was just being kind and in some respect YABU, BUT..... your dd was being an angel not whining for a 'treat' (my dd thinks she deserves a treat every time we leave the feckin house), and it wasn't the lady's place to treat her. And she might have given dd the impression that you were being a big fat meany and she may ask for something else next time you're out. I would have seen it as undermining me to be honest.

edam · 28/02/2009 10:02

Blimey, what with this and those regular posts from people whining that a passer-by actually had the temerity to speak to their child, or tell the child off when it is being a brat, I'm amazed any adult ever dares to be kind to a child that is not their own.

'It's not her place'. When on earth did parents suddenly get so precious?

Our children don't live in a bubble consisting of Mum and Dad. They have to learn to rub along with the whole wide world out there. Takes a village to raise a child and all that.

If you go looking for a reason to take offence, you'll find it. But it must be a miserable way to live your life. And probably no good at all for your blood pressure.

AnnieLobeseder · 28/02/2009 10:04

Agree that her intentions were probably good, but I can see why you're annoyed. My DD1 has it in her head that she should get a treat every time we go shopping - an annoying habit I'm trying to get her out of. So as sweet as the shopkeeper was trying to be, I'd be mad as hell at being undermined that way. It's not her place to randomly decide to treat your child.

TsarChasm · 28/02/2009 10:09

I was just going to say....but I think Edam covered everything I was about to there.

Good post.

Poppyscock · 28/02/2009 10:10

By Lawks on Thu 26-Feb-09 18:17:33 You're barking

I think Lawkes summed this up nicely very early on.

CaptainKarvol · 28/02/2009 10:28

I think it's so sad that there are so many of you who think the shopkeeper was out of line. We'd better all just get on with ignoring one another out there in the real world, hadn't we? Just in case someones turn of phrase isn't to your exact liking, or whose expressions of kindness don't meet with your exact expectations. God what a miserable way to live.

Original poster

LucyEllensmummy · 28/02/2009 13:24

ah feck off poppysock - you're just bitter cos of your dog thread . Can we call a truce? Thing is, i might actually know a lady who might be interested in your dog, she usually rescues whippets but has a beagle too. I could ask, if you like - depends where you are i guess.

OP posts:

cat64 · 28/02/2009 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Poppyscock · 28/02/2009 14:24

LEM I don't talk about other threads - MN etiquette and all that.

I still stand by what Lawkes said - barking, completely barking

lisianthus · 28/02/2009 16:10

YANBU I can see that apart from anything else, it makes it very difficult to teach a child that it should not take presents from strangers. There does also seem to be a bit of pressuring you into buying a gift for your daughter going on as well.

steviesgirl · 28/02/2009 23:39

YANBU. It wasn't the fact that she gave your dd a free gift that you are annoyed about, it was what she said, the fact that she was implying that you were being mean not buying anything for your dd. That would have annoyed me too tbh. After all, kids are spoiled rotten usually these days as it is and if you know your dc is far from deprived comments like that can be irritating.

I think some of the posters on here are being a bit harsh tbh.

skramble · 28/02/2009 23:53

Gave up reading but I totally understand the OP, why the hell should her DD expect something just because she was buying a present for another child. Thankfully her DD has been brought up properly and didn't expect anything. I think it wa unfair of the shopkeeper to make such a hoo ha out of the fact the DD wasn't getting anything, what ever her motives were.

If she wanted to be kind fair enough, if she wanted to give the girl a gift because she was so impressed with the fact the Girl was happy for her mum to buy a toy for another child and not do a Verucca Salt in the middle of the shop then fine.

The OP said thanks, she was not rude, but totally understand that she did not think it was nescesary at all. and not need to make girl feel like her mum was being rotton to her.

skramble · 28/02/2009 23:54

BTW only barking if she had said, "shopkeeper gave my daughter a gift what a cheek", I think it was explained at little bit more than that.

Original poster

LucyEllensmummy · 01/03/2009 10:45

skramble, that is exactly my point. Had the words from the lady been "oh, what a good girl for buying your friend a gift" let me give you something then i would have been touched by the woman's kindness. The thing that is so difficult to convey on the computor is the context and inflection of tone (if that is the right word!). The conversation was along the lines of:

Shopkeeper to DD: Oh, haven't you got a present, don't you want a present sweetheart? Oh, i think i HAVE to give you something.

Shopkeeper turning to ME (who was tryingt o avoid eyecontact cos i knew it was coming) because i think its really rotten!

I do just think that she was an overindulgent nanny type and thought it sad that my dd didn't get anything.

Yes, i was proud of my DD for not asking for anything but to be completely honest - there was nothing that she wanted in the shop because believe me, if she had wanted something, she would have made her feelings known . Had it been a big toyshop with lots of stuff DD wanted, she may well have asked for something and i would have happily bought it for her so long as it wasn't expensive. That is what usually happens when we go to woolworths, but of course there is no woolworths now. I would have bought the beads from this shop though because they are good value for money and make me look like a great present buyer!

I think the shopkeeper made my DD feel uncomfortable, but to be fair, she really likes her new money box so i do feel a little bit more kindly towards the old dragon lady.

OP posts:

KTNoo · 01/03/2009 12:27

I would have been really pissed off and would not go back to that shop. In fact I try to never go into small shops because of the small talk etc and would much rather buy from a big place where you go in and make your purchase without anyone bothering you. But then I'm an unsociable freak who likes to be left alone.

Don't know what the woman's intentions were but that kind of customer care would not bring me back. I would have handed back the present tbh and told her thanks but no thanks, my kids have too much already.

I do know though that a lot of people like this kind of banter. But I hate it. If I knew we were only going out to buy something for a friend I would have told me dc that in advance and they would have known they were not going to be getting anything. The shopkeeper could have been aware of that if she had thought about it. Why can't people mind their own business?

chenin · 01/03/2009 13:10

So if we all go around ignoring each other... what a sad world we would be living in. It is not a case of minding their own business... maybe the shopkeeper just likes children? Perhaps a little chat to a young child brings a bit of light to her life... who knows. But all I know is... I like interacting with people, its what makes the world go round. I don't want to be insular and cut off from the rest of humanity. And why on earth the OP should take offence at this is beyond me... life is too short, it really is.

Original poster

LucyEllensmummy · 01/03/2009 13:22

hellie - i love interacting with people, in fact i chat to all the local shopkeepers, if you had read my most recent post you would have understood, it wasnt about the gift, it was about the woman telling ME that she thought it was rotten that i bought my DD no toy! I just thanked her, told her she was kind and left the shop embarrased as hell.

OP posts:

PinkTulips · 01/03/2009 13:29

haven't read through properly but have to say... whilst giving the gift was lovely i do think the phrasing of her comments was a bit off 'it's really rotten you haven't got anything'

and like LEM i do prefer to be able to go into shops without my kids expecting to be bought things everytime we go out so i'm pretty sure the woman banging on about 'are you not getting anything?' etc would have annoyed me too.

not sure it would have annoyed me enough to be 'gobsmacked by the audacity' of the woman in question tbh but mildly irritated... possibly

Sassybeast · 01/03/2009 15:21

I'd be pissed off if someone gave my kids anything for free in a shp whatever their motivations. How do you explain to a toddler that this time, they can't just have a pressie ?

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