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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be gobsmacked at the audacity of the shopkeeper today

101 replies

LucyEllensmummy · 26/02/2009 18:13

Today i went into a small local gift shop to buy a present for a friends DD. She is having a party and had gone in wiht my DD to buy some beads. This shop sells nothing else of interest to my DD and she already has the beads. So, we buy the beads and the lady said to DD "are these for you" - i winced inwardly thinking, great, how shes gonna kick off - So i said, No, and DD didn't really say anything. She didn't ask for anything and there was nothing in the shop that i really wanted for her as most of teh stuff too young. I just said, oh dd already has the beads, we are buying them for her friends b-day. DD was quite chuffed about this. Then as we were leaving the woman said to DD - oh, aren't you getting anything?? DD didnt answer, she is shy i was like WTF?? So the woman (kindly?) gave DD a little wooden money box which was worht £4. She said, "oh, here i've got to give you something because i think thats really rotten that you have nothing!!" I was VERY tempted to invite the woman round to my house to see just how much "nothing" my DD has. (V. indulgent g.parents and daddy!) She had with her what is clearly a brand new mini-micro scooter, so she blatantly doesn't go without. I couldnt see DDs face to see if she was miserable, but she hadn't asked for anything. Or even shown any interest in having anything otherwise i might have bought her something cheap - IF SHE HAD WANTED IT!!!

So, am i a mean spirited mother who buys other children presents and buys nothing for my DD? I don't think so, in fact im pretty sure my DD is overindulged if i am honest and that was probably the reason why she didn't ask for anything.

I was pretty speechless actually and just muttered thanks and left the shop - i'll not be going back! Which is a pain as the beads are my stock buy for girly presents (they look more expensive than they actually are )

OP posts:

FAQinglovely · 26/02/2009 19:08

how do you know it was meant as an insult?

"aww you poor little thing did mummy not buy you anything" is hardly an insult

Flightattendant27 · 26/02/2009 19:08

She was being Kind

I think you owe that poor woman a nice smile and some proper thanks next time you go in.

She wasn't calling you a rotten parent, she was talking to your dd and saying 'isn't it rotten you've nothing'. she was being indulgent to her, maybe it wasn't necessary, but reading between the lines it was her way of rewarding your dd for NOT making a fuss. iyswim?

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 26/02/2009 19:10

I get why you were annoyed. You felt she was implying that you should have bought your daughter something and that you were not a good parent for not doing so, right?

TBH, I'm the oversensitive type, so I'd have looked for the insult in it too.

Flightattendant27 · 26/02/2009 19:11

Imo it's all about intention.

If she had a grudge against you and wanted to make you feel bad, then of course it would be a sly dig...but I v much doubt that was her motive. Poeple might get it a bit wrong in the course of trying to be nice but surely it is the thought that counts.

Your attitude was very scrooge!

TheFallenMadonna · 26/02/2009 19:12

See, I read things like this and I do wonder whether the whole 'label the action not the child thing' really works when adults are so quick to personalise comments...

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 26/02/2009 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Tiramissu · 26/02/2009 19:30

Hmm
i m going to go against once more.
Seems like most of you think the OP is ungrateful. I usually say 'get a grip' 'dont be ungrateful' etc

But in this case i would be a bit upset too. Only because i am trying to teach my children that they dont have to get something every time we go to a shop. So i dont like this mentality that shopkeepers have to give them a freebie. Very sweet of them and i m sure they mean well... But how i m going to teach my children that we cant have something new every day?

FAQinglovely · 26/02/2009 19:31

ermm presumably because they don't get given something free in every shop they go into, and you explain that it was just a nice friendly shop keeper.

tumtumtetum · 26/02/2009 19:42

Also the shopkeepers comment basically said to the DD that she should expect mummy to buy her something every time they go into a shop, otherwise mummy is being "rotten", which is not something I would really want a shopkeepers telling my DD!

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 26/02/2009 19:42

but then doesn't that tell them that those who didn't give them are not friendly? And that friendly people give you things? I'm not sure that's a good message either.

PuppyMonkey · 26/02/2009 19:44

I agree with Hecate, she's fecking bril she is...

I couldn't help meself.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 26/02/2009 19:45

she probably meant "it's a shame you haven't got anything" and she probably didn't spend 10 minutes choosing the correct words.

YABU, she was just trying to be nice.

Tiramissu · 26/02/2009 19:45

excactly tum and Hecate

You can be nice and friendly to a child by chatting to them, joking, and listening to them.
It doesn't always have to involve toy/sweet, something comercial

FAQinglovely · 26/02/2009 19:49

ok so I explained it badly - but they soon learn - children are a lot smarter than they give on and easily pick it up.

Yurtgirl · 26/02/2009 19:54

LEM - I would have felt as you explain in your 18:49 post. It was nice of the lady to give your dd the money box but I would have been cross if someone spoke to my dd like that.

Also is she the manager of the shop? If I was a shop manager I wouldnt want my staff giving away the stock!

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 26/02/2009 19:58

Lulumama · 26/02/2009 19:59

she wanted to feel she was doing something lovely and indulging your child, not being mean. depends on teh tone used, but even so, she was probably being joky

pointydog · 26/02/2009 20:02

over-reaction number 542

Smithagain · 26/02/2009 20:06

I must admit, it would have irritated me. Smacks a bit of "isn't mummy mean. Look, I'm much nicer". And my kids know that they don't get presents every time they go shopping and sometimes it's nice to buy things for someone else.

Am also not sure how I would have explained to DD why it was OK to accept - having just had some long and tortuous conversations with her about not accepting gifts from random strangers.

BananaSkin · 26/02/2009 20:10

I would have been annoyed. I have spent years teaching my children that they can't have new toys each time we go out - as I am sure many have. This undermined you as a parent and presumably was meant to pressurise you into buying something else too.

Nightcrawly · 26/02/2009 20:12

I think if she had said something along the lines of how awful it was your daughter didn't get something from the shop and didn't she have a rotten mummy and perhaps mummy might like to buy one of these moneyboxes, wouldn't it make you happy if she did that? Then you would be right to be cross because that would have been underhanded and insulting. And commercial.

However, she gave your DD something for free. She did it in a cackhanded way and I'm sure she thought WTF did I say it like that for afterwards. However the basis of this whole act was kindness towards you and your daughter. Why on earth would anyone give someone something to insult them? She would have to be pretty mad to go around giving children gifts to highlight the failings of their parents.

I agree with FAQ, it was a friendly and kind thing to do. That doesn't mean that friendly and kind always means being given something. I know I certainly refer to alot of acts as being kind and friendly, like when the man behind us in the queue at the checkout today was talking to DD and making her laugh meaning I could get the shopping all sorted whilst she was occupied. I told DD that he was been kind to her. When a spanish couple on the street told DD that she had beautiful blue eyes and blonde hair, I told her it was kind and friendly of them to say that. When she was given a box of books for free at the local bootsale because the lady saw how interested DD was in them and she said she would rather they went to someone who would enjoy them than make money from them. That was also kind and friendly and I told DD so. People are so suspicious of the motives of others these day, and I'm not sure that is something I want to pass on to my DD.

FAQinglovely · 26/02/2009 20:17

BananaSkin - my children know they don't get seomthing everytime we go out, I've always taught them that, but it doesn't mean that I think that shop keepers giving them stuff for free is teaching them the wrong lesson

Original poster

LucyEllensmummy · 26/02/2009 20:39

I think that the shopkeepers motives were genuine, but i do think that she thought i was unfair for not offering to buy DD something too. The stuff in the shop is overpriced and a bit poncey, my DD showed no interested otherwise i would have bought her something. I was actually really proud of DD for not wanting something to and for simply enjoying buying a present for her friend.

She was an older lady and probably a grandparent, probably just a bad choice of words. I think she is the shop owners mother - i bet they can't wait for her to go back home before she clears the shop out!!

OP posts:

tumtumtetum · 26/02/2009 20:44

I think you've hit the nail on the head LEM - my (late) gran would have definitely said something like this and used the word "rotten" - not meaning anything by it just something to say - I think "rotten" used to be a catch-all type word my gran used it so much in relation to all sorts of things.

Now it is not in use so much it probably has more impact.

goodnightmoon · 26/02/2009 20:47

YA probably BU but there's really no reason for anyone to reinforce this idea that children should be bought a present every time they set foot in a store. My nieces expect to get something every time they leave the house, it's outrageous.

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