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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my daughter has just recieved post- i think ts somekind of exam paper ...

76 replies

drlove8 · 26/02/2009 13:08

and im dying to open it!. she's not here- she's at school, its just me the twins and the ENVELOPE!....... its calling me... its shouting now " for fecks sake open me!". this is wrong isnt it? should i open it "by mistake" just to see what it is?

OP posts:

georgimama · 27/02/2009 12:29

Perhaps she's accustomed to you invading her privacy.

Please don't open her post again, it is wrong.

Divineintervention · 27/02/2009 12:30

Wow what a super outcome for such a naughty Mummy !!

duchesse · 27/02/2009 12:41

georgimama- in these days of increasingly sophisticated communications, privacy from parents is by necessity a very relative concept for 13 yr olds. As the mother of a 13 yr old, I can assure you there is not one of we parents in an very large group who does not keep an eye on our children's MSN, facebook, text messages, emails. You'd be naive and slightly deluded to think it's not necessary. It's a matter of basic necessity to be sure they're using it safely. When you're at that stage with your children, you'll understand it better.

georgimama · 27/02/2009 12:47

I may not have a 13 year old but I can remember what it is like to be 13. I would have been very angry, but then, my mother wouldn't have done this to me.

I might understand the need to be careful about who they contact on MSN and Facebook. I would be upfront in advance about the fact I would check from time to time. I would certainly not read my child's diary.

Opening what is clearly an official communication (rather than grooming materials from the local paedophile) thus denying her daughter the enjoyment of finding out her own results for herself first and telling her mother about them, because the OP lacks basic self control,is wrong.

It is also illegal.

You said yourself opening someone's post is beneath the OP's dignity.

GetOrfMoiLand · 27/02/2009 12:47

Duchesse - I am at that stage with my 13 year old dd. And whilst I completely agree with monitoring of dd's text messages, emails and facebook (which I do quite openly in front of her, no sneakily doing it behind her back) I think the opening of a letter is quite different. The OP stated it was quite obvious that the letter was from an exam board, it was not a love letter from a 40 year old man she had met on the internet (or something). Therefore I agree she was wrong to open her letter.

Patronising post directed at Georgimama was unnecessary imo.

mananny · 27/02/2009 12:53

It's brilliant that she got such great results, but you should have let her be the first one to see and revel in her fabulousness. Even if she didn't bat an eyelid, it would make me feel soooo guilty to know I had looked first. She's 13 not 5 and it was an official communication, so hardly anything dodgy. My mum wanted to open my GCSE results as they arrived when I was away on holiday with friends. I told her would kill her if she did. So she gave them to my gran to avoid temptation. My gran then put them somewhere "safe" and lost them for me so I had to get copies of the certs from the exams boards, but that's a whole other story LOL....

theyoungvisiter · 27/02/2009 12:58

very nice outcome but not sure you really deserve it, your daughter would have been so proud to tell you her news and you took all that pleasure for yourself.

Practice some self-control because she may not be so forgiving in a year or so...

redsock · 27/02/2009 12:58

You know all this 'its wrong to open someone elses post' stuff?
IMO most kids don't even know its illegal, and could not give a shit anyway.
I doubt she even cares tbh.

snorkle · 27/02/2009 13:05

It's not illegal to open post for small children - they are your dependents after all. I wonder what age it does become illegal - suspect it's older than 13.

Still doesn't make it right though.

duchesse · 27/02/2009 13:10

I didn't think it was at all patronising. Every stage of parenting is very different. Teenage is a particularly complicated time these days, with all the conflicting pressures that we may never have experienced in our own teenage. Notice that I did not vindicate the OP opening her daughter's post, but merely pointed out that privacy is a relative concept at this age. You yourself just said you keep an eye on your daughter's internet use, GetOrf.

The OP knows her child best. She must have a lovely friendly relationship with her daughter if her daughter did not have a complete benny about the open letter. My children would regard me with amused pity if I had had to tell them their letter was too much temptation and I'd succumbed. They know me as a person, not as a meddlesome ogre who is just trying to ruin their life. I like it that. I wouldn't have opened the letter though.

LadyOfWaffle · 27/02/2009 13:15

My dad opened one of my 11+ results when I was a kid. It came one saturday morning and I was savouring it while I did my homework and he opened it! Funny what sticks in your head... (but I am super nosey too - I would have to hide it!)

Helen31 · 27/02/2009 14:58

Section 84 of the Postal Services Act 2000 says you could get a fine or up to 6 months imprisonment for intentionally opening post without a reasonable excuse. Bad drlove. Think you're very lucky DD let you get away with this one.

georgimama · 27/02/2009 15:06

A 13 year old can be convicted of a criminal offence, so I think they're probably considered capable of opening their own post.

snorkle · 27/02/2009 15:42

But a 13 year old still needs a legal guardian and it's he guardian that gets fined if for example they skive off school so I'm still not convinced of the legal situation.

georgimama · 27/02/2009 15:45

Legal situation aside, it was wrong.

Tamarto · 27/02/2009 15:47

Whatever the legal situation, it wasn't right.

Helen31 · 27/02/2009 15:54

Yes but, as far as we know, drlove is well over the age of 18...

georgimama · 27/02/2009 15:59

The point was Helen that if the OP's daugther is 13, she is old enough to be convicted of a criminal offence and therefore perfectly old enough to open her own letters.

Helen31 · 27/02/2009 16:13

Thanks georgimama. T'was still v. v. wrong of drlove.

MorrisZapp · 27/02/2009 16:19

Holy feck. I can't believe you opened your 13 year old kids private mail.

And that some people aren't like, utterly horrified by it.

Opening one's own mail is one of life's small but absolutely inalienable rights/pleasures. I can't believe you didn't want the pleasure of going 'here!' and watching her opening it herself and sharing those moments.

I'm speechless. 13????? She's 13. I had no idea any parents were like this but I do remember once a friend at school had her o-grade subjects chosen for her by her father and returned to the school in a sealed envelope. She wasn't even annoyed, she thought that was normal.

I'm gobsmacked.

georgimama · 27/02/2009 16:27

I'm glad it's not just me MorrisZapp.

I accept I don't have a 13 year old, but I doubt that when I do I will infantilise him in this way.

Lizzylou · 27/02/2009 16:28

My Mom opened my GCSE results whilst I was out for the day with friends, she had a present all ready and waiting for me.

I think I may sue her........

BoffinMum · 27/02/2009 16:39

Is not the answer here to discuss with children whether it is useful for them to have urgent or important looking post opened for them in some circumstances?

I actually did this for DD until she was about 19 or 20 while she was away at college, as she used to get herself in a mess losing official paperwork and not returning things, so I stepped in to a bit of a PA role for her and showed her how to sort herself out.

However she asked me to stop about 6 months ago, as she is more together now. So I would respect that.

There's a lot to be said for asking children's views on such things.

MorrisZapp · 27/02/2009 16:41

I don't have a 13 year old either but I speak from personal experience as I used to be one!

georgimama · 27/02/2009 16:41

Absolutely, Boffin, but this wasn't urgent and the DD wasn't away from home. It was just sheer nosiness.

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