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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really frustrated with DSD?

53 replies

ToiletRollCover · 26/02/2009 11:06

My Dsd is 17 and has been living at her boyfriends mothers house for about 9 months now.
Earlier this week she had a huge row with her bf mum and both decamped to our house to sleep on our floor.

They have been in contact with the housing association to try and find a flat. Neither she or her bf are working and he has quite bad mental health problems so they say they are quite high on the priority list for housing.

I have been helping them try and track down a flat and have given them countless numbers to ring with possible properties.

Dsd is now getting quite hysterical as she says they must have a place as they are homeless. She then turns down all suggestions of studio flats or house shares saying they make her too anxious.

She also is adament that she must find a flat that allows pets as she wants a hamster.

The poor bf is really trying to keep things upbeat but I can see that he's really struggling. He wants to go back to his mums until they find somewhere suitable but Dsd gets all flouncy and refuses on the basis that his mum hates her and she can't stand the atmosphere.

Could anyone give me any advice on the best way to deal with this. I've tried talking to her but she's very volatile and I'm quite a wuss!

Sorry this has been so long and thanks in advance for your help!

OP posts:
Original poster
ToiletRollCover · 26/02/2009 11:23

.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 26/02/2009 11:24

what does her dad think?

shouldn't he be tackling it with her as well?

Original poster
ToiletRollCover · 26/02/2009 11:32

he's given her advice on housing and money management but every disscussion they have tends to turn into a row as she says he being patronising and obstructive. He's really only trying to share his experiences with her.

OP posts:
laweaselmys · 26/02/2009 12:10

Have you posted in step-parents/teenagers?

Sorry I have no useful advice about moving forward, but you sound like you have done the right thing so far.

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/02/2009 12:35

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StewieGriffinsMom · 26/02/2009 12:36

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HecateQueenOfGhosts · 26/02/2009 12:38

agree - whatever you say, she'll have the huff on about! Direct her to professional advice.

(If she is not mature enough to deal with this without stropping, is she mature enough to manage her own home? That would be my concern.)

lucysmam · 26/02/2009 12:44

The homeless department of your local council may e able to help them find something temporary. If there's a general switchboard for the council, ring them & they will have the right number for homeless dept.

They are really helpful & not patronising at all. At least ours weren't when we were being threatened with being kicked out as landlords agent thought we'd not paid rent of about £1600. & they helped find BIL &SIL a temporary flat as well when their landlord sold the house from under them. It was only a bedroom, kitchen & living room with a shared bathroom but it was their own space & was only £15 a week service charge until they found their own place (next door to us )

Original poster
ToiletRollCover · 26/02/2009 15:01

Thanks for all your advice. She has been down all the proffesional routes and been on the shelter website (we were in a similar position recently and have passed all our leaflets and numbers onto her). The council are helping with deposit and so on so its just a case of finding a flat.

Hecate That is something which is concerning me a lot at the moment and is the point which I have trouble discussing with her without a major tantrum which I really don't have the energy for!

OP posts:
Ivykaty44 · 26/02/2009 15:07

TRC - bite your lip and nod in the correct places, you know she is living in fantsy land she needs to learn this for herself to be able to hopefully mature.

You telling her will not be helpful and only make your life painful.

Perhpas living in their own flat and making their own mistakes will help her to grow up? The bf may even still go back to mummy?

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 26/02/2009 16:25

yes, someone who has "major tantrums" when you try to discuss things they don't want to hear is not going to do well out there.

Tantrums don't work with your landlord, tesco or the gas board!!!

otoh, maybe it will make her grow up. Sometimes falling flat on your face is a great teacher!

  • word of warning (cos I can clearly see how this is likely to go! )- repeated bailing out by you is NOT^ a good idea!! If she spends the grocery money on beer, she'll be very hungry that week!!!!

iyswim.

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 26/02/2009 16:26

sorry, just repeating Ivy there. must read properly!!

BonsoirAnna · 26/02/2009 16:30

Gosh, why should a 17 year old and her boyfriend deserve council housing to live as a couple? Can't both these children return to their respective parents' homes until they are earning enough to set up home together?

Original poster
ToiletRollCover · 26/02/2009 17:14

I'm so glad you are all saying these things! I thought I was beening a bit harsh thinking them to myself!! I think hints at financial haelp is there. Wanting a guarantor. Which as we rent ourselves would be out of the question.

DP has suggested the staying at home idea. DSDs bf is quite happy with this as he left his last job due to bad mental health problems and is currently doing really well at geting himself all sorted and is firin out applications left right and centre. DSD says she won't be able to cope living apart.

I can see all this ending in tears.

OP posts:
Ivykaty44 · 26/02/2009 17:19

As long as they are not your tears - TRC

Original poster
ToiletRollCover · 26/02/2009 17:24

I sincerly hope not!!!!

OP posts:
Buda · 26/02/2009 17:33

If I had mentioned living with a boyfriend at 17 I would have been carried out of my parent's house in a wooden box!!! My parents would have laughed at me.

She is 17. He is presumably similar. He has mental health issues. They should both concentrate on growing up, finishing an education/starting a career path or whatever and THEN if they are possibly still together THEN they can hopefully be in a position to rent or buy a home together.

I also fail to understand how they would be entitled to council help when families with children often don't get help.

Mind you - presumably her next step if all else fails will be to get pregnant.

YANBU.

Original poster
ToiletRollCover · 26/02/2009 19:58

Oh shite Buda!!! Hadn't thought of that!! Bloody hell.

OP posts:
sdr · 26/02/2009 20:41

What about bribery? BF goes back to his mum, DSD to where she normally stays and if they settle down to work/education you will pay for a holiday in summer?

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/02/2009 20:54

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Original poster
ToiletRollCover · 26/02/2009 20:54

Dsd usually lives with us. Would be a good idea but we haven't got the money. And DSD does have a stubborn streak a mile wide. Just like her Dad!

OP posts:
Original poster
ToiletRollCover · 26/02/2009 21:00

Stewiegriffinsmom I have found a number for This kind of thing where we live. Apparently it takes too long and studio flats are no good as they make DSD to anxious So only a flat will do.

Obviously expecting a penthouse flat or something.

All of this has to happen in the next few days too.

Really am getting cross.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 26/02/2009 21:58

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Leo9 · 26/02/2009 22:02

She is a child of 17 and I think she needs to be shown very clearly that we can't throw a strop and demand things, not in the real world.

Also her boyfriend sounds vulnerable and if he is happy enough to go home to his mum's then that may be where he's best.

Don't get too involved with helping her. If she wants a flat, SHE can find it and fund it! I really think the most helpful thing you and her dad can do is to be strong, face her down and make it clear you won't enable this crazy way of going on but you will help her plan - to get trained, get a job, and get the money to set herself up as she wants to.

GetOrfMoiLand · 26/02/2009 22:12

She is not a child - I was a mother and working full time at her age.

She is finding fault with all your help:

-Anxious about bedsits. Why? If a bedsit is all she will be able to afford, that is all she can have

-She wants a hamster. If the landlord doesn't allow pets (and most won't) she will just have to put up with it.

-She has to live with her BF, but he can't keep a job due to mental health problems. I think that neither he or she are mature or responsible enough to handle living on their own, dealing with bills, cooking, housework etc etc. Why should they live together just because they want to when they cannot deal with the physical and financial aspects of doing so?

They should really live at home (separately) until they have matured enough to cope, or live in supported youth housing (but they will not be able to live together in that, and it will be bedsit type rooms, so she will not be able to 'cope' - so vicious circle).

OP - I sympathise because you are stuck between a rock and a hard place with, what sounds like, a very tricky dd. What is her father doing to support?