Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really frustrated with DSD?

53 replies

ToiletRollCover · 26/02/2009 11:06

My Dsd is 17 and has been living at her boyfriends mothers house for about 9 months now.
Earlier this week she had a huge row with her bf mum and both decamped to our house to sleep on our floor.

They have been in contact with the housing association to try and find a flat. Neither she or her bf are working and he has quite bad mental health problems so they say they are quite high on the priority list for housing.

I have been helping them try and track down a flat and have given them countless numbers to ring with possible properties.

Dsd is now getting quite hysterical as she says they must have a place as they are homeless. She then turns down all suggestions of studio flats or house shares saying they make her too anxious.

She also is adament that she must find a flat that allows pets as she wants a hamster.

The poor bf is really trying to keep things upbeat but I can see that he's really struggling. He wants to go back to his mums until they find somewhere suitable but Dsd gets all flouncy and refuses on the basis that his mum hates her and she can't stand the atmosphere.

Could anyone give me any advice on the best way to deal with this. I've tried talking to her but she's very volatile and I'm quite a wuss!

Sorry this has been so long and thanks in advance for your help!

OP posts:
Original poster
ToiletRollCover · 26/02/2009 22:16

Bf is quite happy to have a studio flat. He sensibly said it would be easier to move to other properties once established as a good tenent.

DSD seems to have developed a tendancy towards mental health issues since she has been with her bf. But I'm very cynical as they seem to occur when she doesn't get her own way. For example having panic attacks or claiming to hear voices. I feel really bad for doubting her and know that it's a cry for help but all help offered is refused.

Am going to try my best not to get too involved but finding it really difficult as they are staying at our house at the moment and the atmosphere is awful. Don't want to muddy the waters as she has a very tenuos relationship with DP.

OP posts:
lucysmam · 26/02/2009 22:17

TRC, my BIL & SIL were told they would get help towards their bond for next door by our councils homeless dept. but neither of them was bright enough to find out the right info or ask about it any further so missed out. Give her a kick up the bum about it if needed because now, 4 weeks later they still haven't managed to pay it & their landlord has given them until tomorrow to pay it.

I agree with Hecate, as well, DO NOT BAIL THEM OUT!! My mil is £70 out of pocket so far this week after giving them money which they asked for & told her as for gas/electric/food (definate lie, I did her fortnight's shopping & made sure she had more than enough)/loo rolls/milk & they have spent it on whatever shite he smokes, beer & fags & a takeaway the night before last.

Original poster
ToiletRollCover · 26/02/2009 22:23

Lucysmam. Its far more likely that DP would want to bail them out but I'm more hardnosed than him.

He suffers severe guilt issues over the split with her mother and tends to cave under pressure but ATM all our houshold money goes into my bank account and with " small boys to care for I'm not willing to risk our hard earned security money on this!

It's almost cathartic posting this because saying "No" to DSD has always been a very touchy subjct in our house.

OP posts:
mumeeee · 26/02/2009 22:26

She is 17 and is a child. Mainly because she is acting very much like one. I think she neds to mature a bit more before she sets up house with her BF.

bytheLiffey · 26/02/2009 22:29

I agree with Bonsoir Anna.

Original poster
ToiletRollCover · 26/02/2009 22:34

I think thats the best approach too bytheliffey. Our place has a room for her and her Dad is making gentle suggestions but its met with stony refusal unless they can both move in, DP is refusing this.

OP posts:
bytheLiffey · 26/02/2009 22:44

I wouldn't have been allowed 'shack up' with a geezer at 17!! My parents would have turned blue and steam would have come out of their ears.

Original poster
ToiletRollCover · 26/02/2009 22:50

She sort of stormed out when DP wouldn't let her bf stay over as I was about to give birth. He said short of dragging her back he didn't know what to do. It all seems to be snowballing out of control. Feel so sorry for bf as he is trying so hard and seems to be really struggling.

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 26/02/2009 23:11

I agree with Bonsoir. Uour DSD sounds very immature and TBH her and her BF would be better off living apart with their respective parents until they have grown up, got an education/job and saved up for a deposit. Like 99% of the adult population did.

Toiletroll, hopefully their relationship will fizzle out soon.

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/02/2009 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/02/2009 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/02/2009 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
ToiletRollCover · 27/02/2009 12:23

So thankful for all your helpful advice. DP is going to go and speak to bf mother.

We had a long chat last night and it turns out he didn't have all the facts e.g the refusal of bedsits etc. He is now very angry and getting crosser has they are starting to use our address for things and have begun moving things in by stealth, like the x-box.

He is now resigned to the fact that there is going to be major tantrums whatever decision he makes and is looking for a way to get through this without caving in or losing his daughter completely. Poor man is feeling so at the moment.

OP posts:
mrsjammi · 27/02/2009 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
ToiletRollCover · 27/02/2009 12:38

I think thats the path he's going to take mrsjammi. Hoping she's not just going to walk out.

OP posts:
Leo9 · 27/02/2009 13:16

yes it must be really stressful for you and DH but I do think that you have to treat any of her 17 yr old tantrums just as you would if she were a toddler - no-one would post on here and say "oh, your 2 yr old threw a huge wobbler to get some sweets? Oh, give in! Give the sweets!"

And I think it's no different here. She is using the tantrums to get her to where she wants to be and your DH shouldn't be afraid of them.

I know he doesn't want her just to walk out because obviously he wants her safe. One way to try to avoid that is to treat her as a friend and try to make plans WITH her rather than TELL her stuff. She is getting past the age where she will be ordered about. If he can present it as "this is an exciting plan of yours, lets write down some plans...." or something? But making it clear it's a grown up plan, and grown ups pay for their own lives, and he is not about to be bullied into giving money etc.

Basically I think their relationship needs working on so she sees him as a friend not an enemy and he can help that in the way he talks to her etc. But it does also depend on her.

Good luck...

Leo9 · 27/02/2009 13:18

oh, meant to add I respect your view GetOrf about her not being a child - YOU clearly weren't at this age, but blimey I was at 17! Very young for my age. And this girl sounds immature for 17. It depends on the person. My childhood wasn't over at 17!

TheProvincialLady · 27/02/2009 13:51

TRC given how choosy your DSD is about her living arrangements, I think it is unlikely that she is going to walk out when your DP asks her boyfriend to leave.

Leo9 · 27/02/2009 13:59

TPL, how true!

It can't be just any street, it would have to be a better class of street

Sorry OP am too flippant!

clumsymum · 27/02/2009 14:06

So she can't 'cope' with living in a bedsit or studio apartment, nor with living seperately from the bf, and wants a hamster?

Personally, I would have a talk with the bf on his own, and tell him he's got all the right ideas, boost his confidence in himself, and encourage him to go back to his mum alone. Get HIM to try to convince this 'little girl' that her demands are unreasonable. It sounds to me like she's not doing his long term prospects any good, and her own even worse.

Then offer her the available room in your house, but on your terms (would you allow her to have a hamster? That could be your compromise), until her bf manages to sort them out somewhere to live together. He seems to have his head screwed on pretty well.

I feel for you tho'. Guilty dads are difficult to deal with as husbands, I know.

Original poster
ToiletRollCover · 27/02/2009 14:13

Not flippant at all Leo! Spot on!

OP posts:
completelyabsolutely · 27/02/2009 14:14

TRC - when you say you hope she won't walk out where do you think she will walk out too? I'm assuming she is still unwelcome at bfs mum's house, does she have contact with her own mother? Will she be able to go there?

Just wondering if you have an idea of where she might go then you or dp may be able to speak to them first (if you are able to) and head her off. She doesn't sound like she is willing to slum it too much!

Does she think she has a better option somewhere or is she trying to make dp think she has a better option somewhere else so he is forced to give in to her to keep her at the house to keep up the relationship with her?

Hope that all makes sense - for what it's worth I'm sure in a few years time she will be mortified by the way she has behaved.

Leo9 · 27/02/2009 14:14

It's the hamster thing that makes me see how young she is!!

Agree with clumsymum's point about talking to the BF. He may actually respond really well to being treated as the 'fellow grown-up' in the situation and being tasked with encouraging her to drop these plans. As clumsy says, if he's boosted by her dad by being trusted and by being seen as capable of 'taking care' of her that may be enough.

clumsymum · 27/02/2009 14:18

Yes, I loved my Hamster when I was 10 !!

GetOrfMoiLand · 27/02/2009 14:36

yes leo - totally agree with you that the OPs SD sounds far too young to cope on her own and does sound like a child. I don't know what point I was trying to make when I said I was a mother at 17, it is certainly not something I would ever recommend.

I think that even if these two did get a flat by whatever means, it would end up in disaster which the OP and her husband would have to sort out. It is far better that they live with individual parents and not together. But trying to get that across to the will probably prove to be nigh on impossible.