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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that " Plain Speaking" is code for plain bloody rude?

56 replies

Janos · 22/02/2009 22:22

I've noted on here that there are posters who pride themselves on being plain speaking, saying what they think, not caring who they offend etc.

Now, on a thread like this..fine!

But they often pop up on more serious threads too where someone is looking for advice on (for want of a better phrase) a sensitive subject when really, it would be better for all if they just shut up and minded their own bloody business!

I do realise it's the nature of MN and folk can say what they like but don't these "tell it like it is" types have any common sense or compassion?

OP posts:
devilisunaccomplishedinprada · 22/02/2009 22:23

YANBU I've been noticing this of late as well.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 22/02/2009 22:24

Absolutely.

My brother has this self righteousness about "telling the truth".

That he can really hurt and offend people seems to be by the by.

thumbwitch · 22/02/2009 22:25

YANBU in general - but some people don't naturally do empathy and think they are being helpful by telling it how it is, telling you straight etc. You might not feel that of course (or other OPs, especially when it is sensitive subject matter).
Some people are just bloody rude, and might even mean to be - some just don't realise how unfeeling their possibly well-meant advice really is. Can't tell you how you tell the difference, except that the latter sort are more likely to apologise!

DogMa · 22/02/2009 22:27
Original poster
Janos · 22/02/2009 22:30

Oh, I think you're right thumbwitch and it's probably silly to be bothered by it..

I think (just MO) you can tell the difference because someone who is genuinely well meaning but clumsy in expressing themselves will apologise (if appropriate) and explain, whereas the other type will tantrum all over the thread like an angry toddler, making it all about them!

OP posts:
wibblewobbly · 22/02/2009 22:30

Totally agree, some people are so rude!!!! When it is totally unappropriate.

They must get some kind of kick out of being this way, especially to those who obviously need support with particulary sensitive issues. Talk about kicking someone when they are already down!

YAdefNBU!

edam · 22/02/2009 22:30

It would be pretty difficult to draw up a set of rules to distinguish, say genuine Northern matter of factness from rudeness, or soft Southern wussiness from politeness. You just know it when it happens, in context.

I dunno, maybe you could argue it's about motive - is the 'plain speaking' person actually getting off on upsetting people, or is the overly-sensitive one a bit of a me, me, me drama queen?

edam · 22/02/2009 22:33

FWIW I particularly dislike that childish 'ooh, you are all being so horrid to me, my pet rabbit just died so you have to let me off' stunt some people pull when they've been caught out being nasty or stupid.

Original poster
Janos · 22/02/2009 22:37

Thank you wibblewobbly

I agree edam. There are some over-sensitive people who just want to be agreed with (talking about the "my MIL refuses to spend £200 on a birthday present for my 1 yr old, AIBU to think she is a complete bitch who hates me" type of threads).

But I do think some "plain speakers" get a kiuck out of winding people up. And there are threads when it's ok and threads when it isn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janos · 22/02/2009 22:38

kiuck = kick. Oops!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/02/2009 22:40

I have on occasion upset people by being a bit too forthright (on MN and in RL)

call it Northern fuckwittedness

and then I will apologise

doesn't make it right, but I will at least admit when I am wrong

I don't like to tolerate those who think their way is the right way, no matter what

that sucks

Original poster
Janos · 22/02/2009 22:46

AnyFucker,

I've seen lots of your posts and I feel that there's a warmth and honesty about them that precludes offence being taken.

Mind you, I'm used to bossy, northern women..I come from a family of them

I'm thinking more of the stirring it up types, who seem to enjoy upsetting people who are already distressed. That, I think is hateful nd I don't understand it.

Also, some of them may be a bit thick.

There, I said it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/02/2009 22:49

well, I'm not thick lol

Janos, I heart you

but then, I'm a bit pissed this evening

Original poster
Janos · 22/02/2009 22:51

Errm..me too. Don't tell anybody though!

I'm normally very conciliatory and polite

OP posts:
thederkinsdame · 22/02/2009 23:02

Sometimes i do think 'bloody hell. i wonder if you would be that honest/rude IRL with someone you barely know' but I think it's easy to say things on here that as people can hide behind the anonymity of the forum, in the same way that some drivers will do things that if you were walking along a pavement would seem utterly ridiculous and petty, but the car provdies a barrier and allows twattery to happen. Does that make sense? TBH though, it can be refreshing, as I think people can be far more thruthful and blunter on here. You tend to get straighter answers But some responses do leave me speechless.

AnyFucker · 22/02/2009 23:04

sod that janos, I'm all over the boards this evening giving my stoopid drunken twitterings to all and sundry lol

twinsetandpearls · 22/02/2009 23:10

I am known in my job and in life as plain speaking, am not sure if that is nhow I come across here but I hope I am not seen as rude on here. Have been told recently that I am but I think that was a blip.

I do think there are a hard core of rude posters though, but see them as rude rather than plain speaking. I suspect they do it becasue it is an internet forum and they are not like that in real life.

Original poster
Janos · 22/02/2009 23:11

Yup, thederkinsdame I think there is an element of hiding behind the keyboard here which leads to some folk being 'braver' than they would be IRL.

I, being a soft and soppy kind of person always try to remember that there is a real human being on the other side of the screen, IYSWIM.

OP posts:
sayithowitis · 22/02/2009 23:12

I hope that I'm honest without being offensive. I am afraid I am not someone who can tell someone they are 'in the right' if I truly think they are not. I do think it is fine to support who are asking for it, but true support does sometimes mean telling someone they need to think again. It is like loving your children. Of course you love them but you want others to like/love them too. Because of that you discipline your children when they need it so that they grow into people that others want to have around.

thederkinsdame · 22/02/2009 23:13

sayit - what are you saying? How dare you comment on how I discipline my children...rant rant...

sayithowitis · 22/02/2009 23:14

kinders

Original poster
Janos · 22/02/2009 23:15

twinset I do not see you as the rude sort at all! I like your posts.

There are times when plain speaking is a virtue but on an internet forum when someone is clearly upset or distressed..it's really not a time for point scoring and oneupmanship, is it?

(or oneupwomanship )

OP posts:
twinsetandpearls · 22/02/2009 23:15

No it isnt Janos and that is when people err into being rude.

Original poster
Janos · 22/02/2009 23:16

sayithowitis

I like your username! You aren't the the kind of poster I mean because you are clearly thoughtful and self aware.

OP posts:
sayithowitis · 22/02/2009 23:17

Thank you Janos. I like yours too, looking to the past to build the future.