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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that someone in a serious relationship wouldn't WANT to go to South America for 6 months?

74 replies

TrillianAstra · 20/02/2009 18:39

A friend of mine has been with her DP for over 2 years. They don't have kids, aren't married. They don't live together but that's at least partly for religious reasons (don't want to live together until married). I don't know him very well at all, but she talks as if they are going to be married and have children one day (they are in their mid-20s at the moment).

He has found out that he has the opportunity to go to South America for 6 months with work. She (understandably) isn't that keen, since she won't be able to go with him.

AIBU to think that if he was as serious about her as she is about him, he wouldn't want to be on a different continent for 6 months?

OP posts:

AliceTheCamelHasGotTheHump · 20/02/2009 18:42

I dunno. Different strokes and all that. A friend of mine went off traveling before settling down with her long term chap because if she hadn't she'd never have gone, and she wanted to do it. She didn't want to think "hmm... you're the reason I never did the traveling I wanted to do", and he didn;t want to be the reason she didn't do it.

If they're truly meant to be, 6 months won't kill the relationship.

themildmanneredjanitor · 20/02/2009 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scienceteacher · 20/02/2009 18:43

If she really loved him, she would be excited for the opportunity he has and would give him her blessing.

AliceTheCamelHasGotTheHump · 20/02/2009 18:43

Okay. That made no sense. I need to go to bed.

BonsoirAnna · 20/02/2009 18:44

YABU. 6 months in South America is a wonderful opportunity not to be missed. Your friend should rejoice in her boyfriend's good fortune and support him in his adventure. And she can go out for a holiday.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 20/02/2009 18:44

Actually, it's not possible to put a definitive judgement on this. SOme people would say to a DP offered this opportunity, well I will miss you but you will regret it if you don't go - and with modern technology it is easy to stay in touch with a loved one, after all (they could buy each other webcams as a goodbye present or something).
But it could be the case with your friend (and I suspect that this is what you think) that she is much keener on the relationship than he is. Is he actually aware that she considers him her future husband and the father of her children-to-be? Is this why he is fleeing to south America?

CompareTheMeerkat · 20/02/2009 18:46

When DH and I had been together for three years, I went away to America for 8 months as an au pair. I am very glad I did and he was fine about it.

superfrenchie1 · 20/02/2009 18:46

OOoh well it depends on the opportunity I think. If you're really in love you can wait 6 months. I know a couple who got together and were in their mid 20s and pretty serious when he got the chance to go somewhere very far away (maybe China, can't remember) for work for 6 or 8 months or so. They were quite career-focussed. He went, they stayed together, and are getting married this year, they're both 30 now. It made them stronger.

What's his line of work?

Why can't she go with him? Maybe she could go out and visit, take holidays there, even take a sabbatical from her work and do some charity work, or something...?

Also, is there a chance the 6 month post might be extended? That might change things.

I don't think you're exactly being unreasonable but I can see both sides and if it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity I would wait for a loved one I think. It's up to them and if it's meant to be, it's meant to be!

twinsetandpearls · 20/02/2009 18:47

I dont see the problem if they dont have children.

littlelamb · 20/02/2009 18:47

YABU. I have a friend who has moved to Dubai for two years to do her dream job. Her dp is still here- again, not married but they both have grown up dc. I say good on her It may seem huge but really if they are dedicated to each other 6 months is nothing. It's not like the whole staying together when you go to different unis thing (guilty m'lord )

catMandu · 20/02/2009 18:47

YABU marriage shouldn't trap you and stop you doing things. If you love someone you shouldn't want to prevent them having great life experiences just to be with you, she'll still be there after six months.

pagwatch · 20/02/2009 18:48

What an incredibly limited view.
I love my DH.I would be plaesed about any fantastic fabulous oppertunity that was offered to him . Of course I would miss him but I would be delighted for him.

DH was offered a place on a rugby tour for three weeks in South Africa which ended three weeks before our first DC was born - and he went with my blessing. He had a great time - quite right too

Original poster

TrillianAstra · 20/02/2009 18:50

Bugger, just realised a salient point and now am guilty of AIBU-by-stealth, which is very naughty.

He has been travelling/doing voluntary work after uni (during the time they've been together), so it's not as if he is missing out on things by going straight from uni to work to more work. If he goes out this time I imagine he will be locked in an office as he works for a "we have your soul and there's nothign you or the EU working times directive can do about it" city law firm.

Holiday sounds lovely, but even if he does get time off, do you know how much it costs to fly to S. America?

OP posts:

Original poster

TrillianAstra · 20/02/2009 18:53

Maybe I am just more soppy than you all. I spoke about this with my DP and he said he wouldn't want to be away for more than a month, tops.

(rugby tour sounds awesome pagwatch, were you very careful not to eat spicy foods etc in case DC decided to come early? )

OP posts:

twinsetandpearls · 20/02/2009 18:54

I am quite a tough hearted bitch to be honest

pagwatch · 20/02/2009 18:57

I did get a bit nervous towards the end. Worst bit was DH wouldn't go if I was on my own so had to go and stay with my mum for three weeks

although she did spoil me

welovepinkmilk · 20/02/2009 19:04

My dh,(dp at the time) moved to Japan for a year right before our wedding, he came home 4 months before it. Although I missed him like mad it was too good an opportunity for him to miss, career wise and I'm glad he did it. But other people - mostly my mum - did think it was a bit odd, but I haven't ever stopped him doing anything he wants and vice versa. We make our own decisions and live with the consequences but I can see how it wouldn't work for everyone.

Original poster

TrillianAstra · 20/02/2009 19:05

Anyone else want to come and tell me if IABU?

Feel free to say yes.

OP posts:

twinsetandpearls · 20/02/2009 19:06

Think of the sex when they get back.

TheFallenMadonna · 20/02/2009 19:11

I think you can be in a relationship and live apart for a good amount of time. I have a box of letters that DH wrote to me when we lived at opposite ends of the country and saw each other once a month, and I know that's not S. America, but it was also for four years, not months. In our time apart it would have been easy to stray I guess, but we never found anyone worth spoiling what we had for. And there are no regrets now of course, because we are still having our time together. Now's the time to do this stuff - when you are young and before children come along and change how you view the passage of time.

piscesmoon · 20/02/2009 19:12

It's a once in a life time experience-I would probably go in similar circumstances.

Original poster

TrillianAstra · 20/02/2009 19:14

Sorry solidgoldbullet, forgot to answer your question. I don't think he is going away to 'escape her' but it seems to me as if he is less serious about the relationship than her, even though he says they are 'meant to be'. It's as if he thinks that if anything happened to their relationship he could easily find someone else just as good as her, as if she is disposable (behaviour not quite matching up with what he says).

OP posts:

insertwittynicknameHERE · 20/02/2009 19:17

I moved away for a job for 6 months when DH, who was DP then, and I were together. We had been together 4 years, did live together, but had no DC. TBH if DH (DP at the time) had said to me don't go, I want you to stay with me it would have probably broken us up as it was something that I wanted to do and was really excited at having the opportunity to do.

If your friends are meant to be together then 6 months is nothing.

DH are now entering our 11th year together and will have been married 5 years this May.

goodnightmoon · 20/02/2009 19:19

yes YABU. they are young - these things can make or break a relationship, in a good way.

belgo · 20/02/2009 19:19

He should go. No way should anyone pass up an opportunitly like that. And if the relationship is a good one, it will last the six months, and she can go and visit him and she a bit of the world herself.

I spent three months in South America. Fantastic place.

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