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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that someone in a serious relationship wouldn't WANT to go to South America for 6 months?

74 replies

TrillianAstra · 20/02/2009 18:39

A friend of mine has been with her DP for over 2 years. They don't have kids, aren't married. They don't live together but that's at least partly for religious reasons (don't want to live together until married). I don't know him very well at all, but she talks as if they are going to be married and have children one day (they are in their mid-20s at the moment).

He has found out that he has the opportunity to go to South America for 6 months with work. She (understandably) isn't that keen, since she won't be able to go with him.

AIBU to think that if he was as serious about her as she is about him, he wouldn't want to be on a different continent for 6 months?

OP posts:

janeite · 20/02/2009 19:21

He should jump at the chance; he'd be daft not to. And she should support him, if she loves him. Yes, they'll miss each other but if their relationship is "the one" this will prove that and if not, better to find out now.

cupofteaplease · 20/02/2009 19:21

I had been engaged for 3 years when I went to study abroad for a year. It was the best thing I EVER did, and highlighted the fact that my seemingly perfect man and relationship were just not meant to be. I ended things when I returned, about 5 weeks before the wedding IIRC.

My best friend who I met out there had also been dating her dp for 3 years. They lasted the distance, and will mary this summer- 10 years after they first met.

I think it is a fabulous opportunity, and would recommend it to my dc. If a relationship is 'meant to be', it will withstand a multitude of hurdles- including a mere 6 months apart from each other.

Original poster

TrillianAstra · 20/02/2009 19:27

Hmm. Not sure I believe in the whole 'meant to be' thing, but perhaps if a realtionship is 'meant to be' then the two people in the relationship would agree as to whether spending 6 months apart was a good idea or not. but also a little bit

OP posts:

Wolfcub · 20/02/2009 19:29

YABU

I went to work overseas for four months when DP and I had been together for 9 months and we knew it was serious and wanted to settle down. It was tough to be apart but it was an important opportunity, and the lack of support from a previous partner about taking a similar sort of opportunity was a huge wedge in that particular relationship. 6 months isn't very long at all, it will fly by and she can always go out there for a holiday. I came back from my trip we started househunting two weeks later and got pregnant 4 months after that. I don't think it's a big deal really.

I don't believe that the sign of a healthy happy relationship isn't that you are together all the time but that you can be apart and be happy and secure in that.

DP flew halfway round the world for under £600 to see me for two weeks - I was working the whole time he was there but at least we had the evenings. I would have thought that similar fares to South America would be possible

Tinker · 20/02/2009 19:31

When I was with a long-term ex, in similarish position to OP's friend, he had teh chance to go to teh US for 6 months. I positively encouraged it because it meant I could go and stay on teh cheap. He did admit he was worried about mentioning it in case I was upset. Upset? Couldn't say "Go" fast enough.

Original poster

TrillianAstra · 20/02/2009 19:37

So assuming you didn't have kids, if you (or DP/DH) was offered to go somewhere to work for 6 months, where you would be able to see each other once at most in the 6 months (and it would be very expensive), you would all go (or encourage DP/DH to go, while you carried on with life at home, not on an adventure)?

OP posts:

Tinker · 20/02/2009 19:38

Yes!

janeite · 20/02/2009 19:40

Think of all the money they won't be spending going out on dates - she can put it all in a pot and use it for plane fares!

Original poster

TrillianAstra · 20/02/2009 19:41

So you would encourage DP to go AND sit at home on nights when you would have gone out with him janeite? You wouldn't even be going out with girlfriends instead?

OP posts:

Tinker · 20/02/2009 19:42

Why wouldn't she be going out??

janeite · 20/02/2009 19:43

Oh god - I was being flippant and Pollyanna-ish.

Original poster

TrillianAstra · 20/02/2009 19:44

If my DP were away (unavoidably of course, as of course he wouldn't choose to be away for that long ) date money would be spent on cocktails with girls!

OP posts:

ScottishMummy · 20/02/2009 19:49

a solid relationship can withstand distance.she doesnt own him.why stifle him

if he wants to travel he should go go go.if hse whines and prevents this wonderful oppurtunity it will cause resentment

nkf · 20/02/2009 19:56

In my opinion, she should say, "lucky you" and wave him off.

I gave up the chance to work overseas once becuase my husband made a fuss. And I resent it to this day.

Original poster

TrillianAstra · 20/02/2009 20:09

Okay, obviously IABU and I will let her know that it is quite normal to want to go away for 6 months, and that we are in the minority for not wanting to be apart from DPs for that long.

OP posts:

Bubbaluv · 20/02/2009 20:23

I may have missed it, and sorry if you've already explained, but why can't she go with him?

OrmIrian · 20/02/2009 20:25

I would. If it's a once in a lifetime thing. He can presumably fly back to see her.

Original poster

TrillianAstra · 20/02/2009 20:25

She can't go with him because now isn't a good time to leave your job, and she hasn't en working long ehough to take a sabbatical. I assume work will help him find somewhere to live while he's out there, but they won't live together until (if) they get married.

OP posts:

Original poster

TrillianAstra · 20/02/2009 20:29

Sorry, rubbish typing. she hasn't been working long enough to take a sabbatical.

I'm fairly sure it's not a once-in-a-lifetime thing. For one, he's been travelling (including S. America) for 9 months before, and she supported him in doing that. For another his firm have offices there, and all around the world, so I'm sure he'll have the chance to work abroad later in his career.

OP posts:

Bubbaluv · 20/02/2009 20:37

Hmm, that throws a different light on it I think.
My DH went to work in Indonesia for 3 months before we were married and it was horrible. I never begrudged him the opportunity, but it was very much a now-or-never type thing.
Does he know she doesn't want him to go?
If it were an "Oh, i've aleays wanted to travel and at last here's my chance" type of situation then I'd say YABU, but as it stands, unless there are some clear career path gains to be made in SA then I'd be more than a little about his motivations.

Original poster

TrillianAstra · 20/02/2009 20:43

I'm not sure how much they have talked about it, or if it has just been mentioned casually.

I'm actually hearing the story through another friend, which is why I keep coming up with extra bits of info (I hadn't realised how long he'd been away travelling for previously), but I wanted to run the idea past some people to see if you would be happy to be apart for so long.

OP posts:

Shoshe · 20/02/2009 20:59

What do you think happens to all the girls and boys in the forces do when they go on tour? They leave husbands, wives children, girlfriends and boyfriends behind, often for 6 months every year.

Doesn't mean that they love them any less, or that the relationship, won't work.

Original poster

TrillianAstra · 20/02/2009 21:10

I think that in the Forces it's necessary to go to do your job. And I would have thought (based on how I feel, but apparently not how other MNers feel) that the who go would rather do it in a way that they got to stay with their families, or (if it were safe) have their families come with them, but it's just not possible to do it that way.

This, on the other hand, is entrely optional, and AFAIK his career will progress equally well if he spends that time in Brazil or in London.

OP posts:

nkf · 20/02/2009 21:16

If she thinks that he is only going or partly going because he's not that keen on her, then clinging on to him won't change that.

Original poster

TrillianAstra · 20/02/2009 21:19

She doesn't think that, I thought that. Less so now.

OP posts:

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