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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that someone in a serious relationship wouldn't WANT to go to South America for 6 months?

74 replies

TrillianAstra · 20/02/2009 18:39

A friend of mine has been with her DP for over 2 years. They don't have kids, aren't married. They don't live together but that's at least partly for religious reasons (don't want to live together until married). I don't know him very well at all, but she talks as if they are going to be married and have children one day (they are in their mid-20s at the moment).

He has found out that he has the opportunity to go to South America for 6 months with work. She (understandably) isn't that keen, since she won't be able to go with him.

AIBU to think that if he was as serious about her as she is about him, he wouldn't want to be on a different continent for 6 months?

OP posts:

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 20/02/2009 21:20

TA: I have to ask: what's it actually got to do with you? Is your friend looking for people to tell her it's OK to whine and clutch at his trouser legs and beg him not to go if he really luuurves her? Do you want her to wise up to the fact that he actually doesn't love her that much? Or are you, for some reason, convinced that he doesn't love her when she actually feels fine about the fact that he wants to go?

Original poster

TrillianAstra · 20/02/2009 21:22

I wasn't even going to mention the thread to her. I heard about it and was a bit that he would want to go, and wondered if I was unusual in feeling like that. It seems I am.

OP posts:

pinkspottywellies · 20/02/2009 21:24

A few months after we bought our first house DH (although not married at the time) decided to join the Navy

As it turned out this meant 2 six-month trips over the 4 years and mostly seeing him only at weekends.

Looking back it was pretty awful but it was what he wanted to do so I wouldn't have tried to stop him.

(Only read OP and first few posts so sorry if convo has moved on!)

ABetaDad · 20/02/2009 21:26

TrillianAstra - she should definitely go with him if she is going to Argentina or Chile. Great places and she can come back with a good grounding in Spanish and teach English while she is over there. Lots of firms over there take on English speakers too. It is too good an opportunity to miss.

Not so keen on Brazil, Venezuela, Colombia which are violent places but other smaller countries in South Amercia are fascinating.

mazzystartled · 20/02/2009 21:27

at twenty-something i would have felt devastated if dh (to be) had buggered off for 6 months. at nearly forty i would think what a fantastic opportunity

why can't she go with him? for part of the time?

fluffles · 20/02/2009 21:29

yabu i know lots of people who have gone to do a ski season or gone travelling or on secondment or their DP/DH has for anything from a few months up to a year. the fact he wants to go says nothing about the relationship.

however if he wants to go but she doesn't want him to - if they don't reach a compromise or joint decision then THAT says something about the relationship

mm22bys · 20/02/2009 23:36

YABU.

Travel is amazing.

If they are unmarried and no kids, why not?

He may never have this chance again.

Life is short....there is actually more to life than the UK, and who knows?

It may break there relationship...
or it may make it.

mm22bys · 20/02/2009 23:45

OK read the thread now.

We are (should be?) still individuals in a relationship, especially with no conventional ties..

They ARE both still young.

She COULD go with him, who cares in the scheme of things if she hasn't worked long enough for a sabbatical?

She wants the best of both worlds, she doesn't want him to go, neither does she want to give up her "opportunities".

Your friend is being selfish.

I would give anything to be in my mid 20s again and have the chance to follow my partner to South America....

jasper · 20/02/2009 23:49

great opportunity for him.
Hope she is supportive

trixymalixy · 20/02/2009 23:57

YABU, he should take this oportunity before they have kids.

i was apart from my DH for a year before we were married and it only made us stronger.

If they're meant to be together then thei relationship will last.

mrsjammi · 20/02/2009 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

piscesmoon · 21/02/2009 07:49

If she really loves him she won't stop an exciting opportunity for selfish reasons. If their love is strong it will withstand 6 months-if it can't cope it is better to know before they get married.

MrsTittleMouse · 21/02/2009 08:00

We were apart for 8 months before we were married (due to work), and I was able to visit once during that time. It wasn't easy, but there was no way that I would stop DH from having that opportunity of a lifetime. I trusted him completely, sent lots of email, and I've never written (or received) so many letters in my life. We have both kept them all, and look through them occasionally to remember what it was like when we were young and head over heels.

belgo · 21/02/2009 09:09

Whether this opportunity helps his career or not really isn't that relelvant.

To live in another country, learn the language, learn the culture, see the landscape and wildlife, all are amazing opportunities in themselves.

There is so much more to the world then living in the UK, and she would be very selfish if she wanted him to miss this opportunity.

As for whether or not she can afford to visit him: it depends on her priorities. My priority when I was in my early twenties was saving as much money as I could to go travelling, while most of my other friends were spending their money on going out, mobile phones, new clothes etc.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 21/02/2009 09:22

YABU my cousins husband did that, it was a huge boost to his career.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 21/02/2009 09:23

And what about all those soldiers serving in the armed forces, are they selfish too ?

TheOriginalTrillian · 21/02/2009 09:26

I think he needs to go, he will resent it if not and resent her if she stops him.

She can always visit.

Longtalljosie · 21/02/2009 09:27

It could very easily be either thing.

It is a fabulous opportunity - so could be just that.

But then again, the same thing happened to a friend of mine in her 20s and it was the boyfriend (after 7 years) seeking to cut ties.

The only sensible thing you can do is be totally positive about it, say you're quite sure it's just the opportunity and not a judgement on their relationship - and see how it unfolds.

Lots of serious relationships don't go the distance when you're in your 20s. Not least because while the girls are quite ready to settle down by 26ish, the boys don't seem to get there until they're past 30... Then again, many do work out. And since you don't know this guy, you'll have to give him the benefit of the doubt...

Madmentalbint · 21/02/2009 09:29

I might have thought the same when I was younger....but now I just think GO! GO! GO!

6 months is nothing and he's not even going to be leaving any children behind. If my OH got the opportunity I might pack his bags for him

TheFallenMadonna · 21/02/2009 10:16

Well, I think whatever his motives for going, being clingy and thinking 'if this was a serious relationship you wouldn't want to go' is pretty much guaranteed to put the kybosh on said relationship.

Gorionine · 21/02/2009 10:47

Dh and I met in Uk lived together for a year. then I had the opportunity to finish a formation that I had started a few years before and stopped half way, so we lived in different countries for 9 mths, visiting each other every 3 mths. I think nowadays there is so much facility to keep in touch (webcams, telephone...) It could mean missing an opportunity that might benefit both of them in the future if he does not go.

Now there might be the issue of trust. She might think " What is he up to when I am not there?" but IMO if there is no trust, it does not matter if they live in each other's pocket...

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 21/02/2009 12:00

They are not married, don't live together and have no children. Of course he should go if he wants to, and if she doesn;t like it she should get herself a life. Couplehood isn't everything and certainly not worth giving up a great opportunity for.

Molesworth · 21/02/2009 12:03

yep, YABU

Original poster

TrillianAstra · 21/02/2009 12:45

Okay, thanks guys, obviously lots of poeple would want to do it.

Personally I'd need more inducement to go than just doing the same job, with the same career prospects, but in a different city, especially since he has done a lot of travelling around that area before.

I guess I should be glad I'm not dating any of you

OP posts:

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