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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My kids have red hair and I don't-why do so many strangers feel it is their right to comment on this?

104 replies

Joe1977 · 19/02/2009 21:26

Neither myself or my husband have red hair, but both our sons do. I have lost count of the number of complete strangers who have approached us to comment on their hair colour and ask 'where do they get it from?'. I normally respond (through gritted teeth) that it is in both our families, but in my mind is always 'why do I feel obliged to explain?'.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to tell people that the genetic make-up of my children is none of their business? Why do they feel they have the right to comment? I wouldn't approach someone else with child/ren who had other unusual features and ask why their child/ren looked the way they do.

OP posts:
smartiejake · 20/02/2009 11:10

Both my DH and I are dark haired but DD1 is blonde. It's never occurred to me to be offended by people making comments on it asking where her blondeness comes from.

coolbeans · 20/02/2009 11:22

It depends, doesn?t it? If there is something ?unusual? about you and your child, then people do seem to feel the need to comment and sometimes it can get on your nerves. Also depends on how it is done, and the frequency of it.
I?m black, but my LO has olive skin, blue eyes and blond ringlets. I?ve calmed down about it now (after a couple of years) but the endless ?Is he yours, really?/Are you the nanny/CM?/ How come he has got blue eyes/blond hair? where?s he/you/his dad from?? used to drive me demented.
So I understand the OP?s pov.

DanJARMouse · 20/02/2009 11:30

DH and I both have dark brown hair.

DD1 takes after me in all senses and really is my double.

DD2 has the most striking Auburn hair, bloody lovely and forever gets positive comments.

DS has very fair hair but definately has a hint of red. Not ginger but a lighter shade of the auburn DD2 has.

When we are out as a family, we do get looks, but they can all sod off. They get their hair colour from my mum (seems to skip a generation in our family) and its a lovely reminder of her as she passed away when DD1 was 2 weeks old.

AnnVan · 20/02/2009 11:37

I agree Nekabu, but then I'm happy t olet random old ladies coo over DS (and even have a cuddle occasionally), And I appreciate that not everyone feels the same.

TsarChasm · 20/02/2009 11:48

Agree with Nekabu! Lighten up!

Niftyblue · 20/02/2009 11:56

I get stopped and asked where DD gets her mass of curls from ?
Mines not

It does`nt bother me in the slightest

ilovesprouts · 20/02/2009 11:57

i dont think its anyones beeswax to comment on your kids hair ive 3 kids and ones dark ginger ones dark brown and ones a sandy blonde

Jenbot · 20/02/2009 12:17

I think people are just trying to make conversation!
I love red hair... Actually, the friend I met in SCBU texted me to say her son now has red hair, olive skin and blue eyes.
She was West Indian and her DP was Turkish. I'm desperate to see him, I bet he's stunning!

OrmIrian · 20/02/2009 12:20

Why does it upset you? If they said 'god aren't your DC ugly. Where do they get it from?' (or conversely 'aren't they gorgeous where do they get it from' ) I could understand.

Why assume it's a slight. Expressing an interest and trying to be friendly.

branflake81 · 20/02/2009 12:28

you're over reacting. they are just making conversation.

thedolly · 20/02/2009 12:46

people feel the need to comment for a host of different reasons - you shouldn't feel obliged to answer their questions - just pretend you thought they were being rhetorical

Oh, and there is no need to get so angsty about it (gritted teeth and all that).

needahand · 20/02/2009 13:21

I get that all the time with DD she is blond so is new DS but DH and I are both brown coloured hair. I always feel like (and do on occasion [shame]) saying "I bought her on ebay" (but I am restraining myself especially if DD is around, as I wouldn't want her to believe that/worry)

needahand · 20/02/2009 13:23

I actually think the way certain people ask is very rude and intrusive, as if they are suggesting that you actually bought your DC on ebay or sh-gged the postman which irks me

StealthPolarBear · 20/02/2009 13:25

I have ginger hair. My mum apparently had it when she was young but it darkened when she was a teenager. I cringe now that when people used to ask me where it came from when I was young I would reply my uncle (dad's brother ). Mum went a bit red when I told her that and explained that she used to have that hair colour as well! In my defence, in my innocent mind, I just meant it ran in my dad's family. People were only ever making conversation though.

lalalonglegs · 20/02/2009 13:39

I haven't read whole thread but suspect that OP feels sensitive about subject because there is so much prejudice against red hair (my son is a slightly reddy-blonde and I think it is gorgeous but I have lost count of number of people who feel free to call him Ginge etc). One of the mothers at my daughter's school has two red-heads and she is practically apologetic about it. When people point out your red-headed child's hair colour, it is rarely in a complimentary way, I find.

MrsMerryHenry · 20/02/2009 13:46

Joel, I think you are possibly being a tad sensitive about this. Red hair, as you probably know, is enough of a rarity to be striking. So since it's not obvious who it's come from, why shouldn't people be interested? I saw a multi-ethnic kid the other day with a red afro! His dad (white) had brown hair, so I was quietly intrigued at the whole 'skipping a generation thing.

There's obviously a difference between open-minded curiosity and prejudiced sneering, and if you've ever been subjected to the latter I can understand your sensitivity.

I saw a hatefully stunning willowy model-type girl last weekend with a head full of gorgeous red hair. She was also really sweet and charming. Grr. Bet she's intelligent, too.

FairLadyRantALot · 20/02/2009 16:26

MrsMerryHenry...oh, don't you just hate those beautyful creatures that are also nice and clever...I mean, that is just greed, and makes it so damnn hard to be horrible about it

MrsMerryHenry · 20/02/2009 16:29

Oh, I can be horrible. I can be sooooo horrible if I want to.

But then I'd just feel guilty because of their niceness, so I just smile (through gritted teeth) instead.

KERALA1 · 20/02/2009 16:31

If its any consolation we have at least one comment everytime we are out in public about dd's hair (very curly almost afro although we are white European). I think its quite sweet, most people are just trying to be friendly. Although see your point would be annoying if they were insinuating you had had it away with the milkman. OK on that score as dd is dh's double he is a curlyhead too. Red hair is gorgeous though!

FairLadyRantALot · 20/02/2009 16:32

lol...know the feeling...it is just easier to be nasty to someone who is beautyful on the outside and ugly on the inside...lol

MrsMerryHenry · 20/02/2009 16:33

Yes, rantalot. From now on I'm going to imagine that on the inside they're simmering with bile and coal tar. Mwa hahahaharrr.

PuppyMonkey · 20/02/2009 16:39

I think you need to try to understand the difference between people feeling they have "the right to comment" and people "just making small talk."

I bet most people aren't insinuating anything evil at all. They're doing this really old fashioned thing called being friendly. You should try it some time.

MrsMerryHenry · 20/02/2009 16:55

whips puppymonkey. Down, girl!

(eeeurrrgh! You have no idea how many unpleasant images I had to whittle through to find that picture)

PuppyMonkey · 20/02/2009 16:58

Thank you Mrs MH, that was lovely!

MrsMerryHenry · 20/02/2009 16:59

(some of the people in the other 'whip' pics on google clearly thought so, too!)