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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My kids have red hair and I don't-why do so many strangers feel it is their right to comment on this?

104 replies

Joe1977 · 19/02/2009 21:26

Neither myself or my husband have red hair, but both our sons do. I have lost count of the number of complete strangers who have approached us to comment on their hair colour and ask 'where do they get it from?'. I normally respond (through gritted teeth) that it is in both our families, but in my mind is always 'why do I feel obliged to explain?'.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to tell people that the genetic make-up of my children is none of their business? Why do they feel they have the right to comment? I wouldn't approach someone else with child/ren who had other unusual features and ask why their child/ren looked the way they do.

OP posts:
jasper · 19/02/2009 22:56

I get this a lot regards my red haired boy and am not in the least offended .

I love discussing him and his red hair and am thrilled that anyone, especially strangers are taking an interest in my lovely wee boy!

chipmonkey · 19/02/2009 23:08

I have dark hair but all my boys, bar ds4 are blonde. ( Think even dh was suspecting the milkman with ds4!) We get comments all the time, not so much now ds1 and ds2 are older as they have darkened a bit. I do think people are trying to be nice. Hate the trying for a girl comments though! One cow in Smyths looked at ds3 and said "Oh, you went for the girl but were disappointed!"

psychomum5 · 19/02/2009 23:15

because people like to talk, and it is something easy and obvious that they are able to start a conversation about.

I get comments on the size of my famaily, the fact that DD3 has very very dark hair compared to all my others who are fair or quite blonde (she gets it from me actually but as I dye mine blonde it isn;t obvious).

they comment on my freckles and DD2's freckles.

the fact that two of mine have stunning bright blue eyes, yet DH and I have hazel eyes and our other three have dark chocolate brown eyes.

it is natural for people to chat............and ginger hair is a very obvious thing to pick up on (and a very gorgeous trait too).

ThePellyandMe · 19/02/2009 23:21

It doesn't bother me or DS1 TBH. DS1 is a wonderful bright shade of ginger and gets quite alot of comments.

The thing is that I am a bit ginger (more so when I was little) but my grey must be taking over because people don't seem to link his colour to mine IYSWIM.

I love ginger and was a bit disappointed DS2 has completely different colouring but when I was little my mum said she hated my hair colour

minouminou · 19/02/2009 23:29

Just look bored and say "It's a recessive gene", as if they're the thickest person you've ever had to speak to.
Ooooh, it'd get on my nerves. DP is ginger, and i have 1 blonde, 1 dark gene (I know it's not that simple, but, you know......), and i'm fed up of fielding comments/quips like "what if this one's cursed?" (i'm 32 weeks along with #2).
I think if it wasn't ginger, you wouldn't feel so sensitive, but you're always waiting for the gingerist comments!
And of course.....if you've got a ginger gene lurking.....you'll have that bad temper, too .
(Ducks and runs).

Timeisablindguide · 19/02/2009 23:36

YANBU - it's plain rude to make a point of passing comment - they wouldn't do it if it was any other colour!
I don't understand why some people seem to expect children to be exact replicas of their parents! There are so many factors involved, recessive genes, dominant genes....ridiculous to be surprised that children don't have the same colour hair as their parents!!

headzookeeper · 19/02/2009 23:51

Ive got 3 ds the younger two being with my current dp and they have ginger hair courtesy of him. In fact ds2 is vivid orange and I am always being stopped and having their hair commented on. It really doen't bother me tbh I wouldn't mind having their hair colour myself, and I would rather them comment out loud about ds2 and ds3's hair than than whisper behind my back about ds3's missing arm which has happened in the past believe me.

steviesgirl · 19/02/2009 23:59

YANBU. I've been irritated by the fact that total strangers feel it right to comment on something that is none of their business. I wouldn't have the nerve to comment to a stranger about something personal relating to them or their family.

My dd was premature and until she was about 2 years old, always looked younger than what she was, I got sick of the insensitive comments people made like they would ask how old she was and I'd give her age and I had comments like "Small isn't she" and "Is she really 15 months old! I thought she was about 6 months old!" Once I was in a cafe with dd and this woman asked how old she was and I said 13 months old and she was like "wow, really, she's tiny I really thought she was about 8 months old, amazing"! People never knew the facts as to why she was small, so why did they find it right to comment?

I empathise and know how you feel. Why can't people keep their opinions to themselves unless they have something nice to say? It can be hurtful to the recipient of the comment.

Eve4Walle · 20/02/2009 06:47

I have dark hair, as does DH & DD. However, DS has red hair, and is in fact the only person in the whole family today with it.

I get asked if I mind him having red hair quite a bit, and a few people said 'are you disaapointed'? What a thing to ask. His hair is beautiful, and curly too.

My SIL spent a long while saying his hair wasn't red too, but now has finally admitted that he has....think this was to do woth him being a bit special though due to the fact nobody else has kids with this hair in my family!

sunandmoon · 20/02/2009 06:59

By 2060, redhead babies will be very very rare so come on girls keep on producing red hairs!!! As one of you said, you need redhead in both families to have a redhead...

DH and I are so proud to have a beautfiful curly redhead DD... I was the usual dark head child brought up in France and never got attention really about the way I was, and I find it so lovely of people to comment on DD's beautiful hair. DH also have dark hair.

Bitoffun... your DD is gorgeous, wonderful drawing of you too!

mugwumpy · 20/02/2009 07:55

People seem to just say what they see, I know that from experience but people dont always come across like they are being nice and when you hear the same thing non stop it really gets irritating, YANBU.

Madmentalbint · 20/02/2009 08:19

I have four DC's. They are all quite alike, but my youngest has quite red hair and lots of gorgeous freckles, and we always get comments about her. I don't mind comments like "where did she get her colouring from?" as I think people are just interested or trying to make conversation, but "Has she got the same dad as the others?" I found rather rude!

I do think sometimes people blurt out the first thing they think of without meaning to be offensive.

Nekabu · 20/02/2009 08:51

Seriously guys, a common tone seems to be "How dare anyone speak to me or my dc! They don't know me so how dare they address us! They should walk quietly past with their eyes averted!" Do we really want to live in a society where everyone goes around locked in their own little bubble and mustn't voluntarily speak to or look at anyone else?

bloss · 20/02/2009 08:53

Message withdrawn

troutpout · 20/02/2009 08:56

Because it's beautiful
Mine has curly ringlets...i get the same thing
chill

troutpout · 20/02/2009 08:59

I also had one with blonde straight hair
(i am black)
people comment because it surprises them and delights them to see something unusual...and because they have no shame in being rather nosy
If you don't want to explain...then don't

FruitynNutty · 20/02/2009 08:59

I get the same thing all the time
"But he's sooooo blond! Is your DP blond?"
Me: "Er no, he's also got dark brown hair"

seeker · 20/02/2009 10:11

Good post, nekabu!

HarrogateMum · 20/02/2009 10:30

I have boy DTs aged 4, one redhead, one blonde plus a DD aged 2 who is also a redhead.

I was once asked at a party by two separate people:

"Who do you blame for the ginger?"

and

"Is it your husband's fault then, the red hair?"

AnnVan · 20/02/2009 10:37

Dniece1 is blond haired and blue eyed. Dneice 2 seems to be coming up with red hair and green eyes. My sister says people will think she's played away! I do wish DS had inherited our green eyes.
I wouln't be offended. People are just taking an interest (although maybe poorly worded)

DollyMessiter · 20/02/2009 10:40

Tell them you spend hours dyeing your childrens' hair, in order to give people with very little sense or imagination something to talk about.

My children look completely different from one another, and are quite close in age. When they were little I often used to get asked if they had the same father. I replied that they had, but we had doubts about whether they had the same mother.

Amusing to see their brains whirring and their nosy faces gawping as we left them in our wake.

AnnVan · 20/02/2009 10:42

oh - I think yanbu if people are being horrible about the red hair, but if they're just commenting on gorgeous colouring, or asking if it runs in the family then I don't see a problem.

pramspotter · 20/02/2009 10:43

Just ignore them. Ginger hair is beautiful. I don't understand why people have the attitude they do towards it. I would love to be ginger.

vjg13 · 20/02/2009 10:50

My friend lives in the USA (Utah) and red hair is VERY rare there. She has constant comments and people asking to take photos. They love it!

Nekabu · 20/02/2009 10:51

Thanks, Seeker! I just think it's a bit sad how many times I've seen people react huffily (not just on this thread) to being spoken to by a stranger.