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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My kids have red hair and I don't-why do so many strangers feel it is their right to comment on this?

104 replies

Joe1977 · 19/02/2009 21:26

Neither myself or my husband have red hair, but both our sons do. I have lost count of the number of complete strangers who have approached us to comment on their hair colour and ask 'where do they get it from?'. I normally respond (through gritted teeth) that it is in both our families, but in my mind is always 'why do I feel obliged to explain?'.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting to tell people that the genetic make-up of my children is none of their business? Why do they feel they have the right to comment? I wouldn't approach someone else with child/ren who had other unusual features and ask why their child/ren looked the way they do.

OP posts:
plonker · 19/02/2009 21:51

I have the same thing and don't mind it at all. I just take it that people are just generally interested and like to make conversation, especially when you have little ones that are as gorgeous as mine are

I have dark hair, as does dh and dd1, my younger daughters have lovely blonde hair. Dd2s is getting darker now, but dd3s is very fair. I also use the 'milkman' line

Miyazaki · 19/02/2009 21:51

Oh people just say any old shit all the time. Really can't get your knickers in a twist about it.

5inthebed · 19/02/2009 21:51

YANBU in the slightest. My first two ds's have bright red hair, courtesy of their dad. I on the other hand have very dark brown hair. People always jokingly ask me if they are mine as they look so different to me (ds1 is the spiting double of me minus the red hair). Really annoys me!
DS3 has dark hair though, and would hate for him to feel left out, so might have to dye it red for him when he is older

MumGoneCrazy · 19/02/2009 21:56

Both me and my Dp have straight brown hair

My Ds has blonde hair Dd1 has brown curly hair and Dd2 is a gorgeous redhead

I often get comments about the fact that all 3 have different hair colours

I just reply with "yes i had blonde hair when i was little that got darker as i got older and red hair runs in their fathers side of the family"

PuddingChops · 19/02/2009 21:57

YANBU I think people generally think they have the right to pass comment on red hair more than any other colour hair. Some people can be really nasty about it. Methinks it's a form of racism.

BitOfFun · 19/02/2009 21:57

Thanks LEM! I posted a suggestion on your thread btw, did you catch it?

Original poster
Joe1977 · 19/02/2009 21:57

I did try explaining dominant and recessive genes to one person who approached me in Tesco, but it made for a very long shopping trip- I'm a biochemist so may have gone into a bit too much detail!

Lou33-I love the comment about retouching their roots, as long as you don't mind, I will keep it ready for future use!

OP posts:
cupofteaplease · 19/02/2009 21:57

dd1 has brown ringlets and dd2 has blonde straight hair. People ALWAYS ask me- 'ooh, where does she get her curls from?' or 'gosh, they look so different- are they really both yours?' etc etc.

The embarrassing thing is, they have different fathers, so they are bound to look a little different. But I don't want to go telling any old stranger that!

So I just say, 'oh, my mum had curly hair when she was little (not a lie) so she must get them from her Nana'. It did used to put me on the hop a bit when dd2 was younger, but I'm so used to it now!

Nekabu · 19/02/2009 21:57

I think a lot of people genuinely don't know about the genetics of red hair and so wonder how two non-red parents can have a red haired child. Team that with it being an extremely attractive and quite rare colour and you're bound to get people commenting on it. Let them admire and whilst they're admiring, give them a quick genetics lesson ...

Wilkiepedia · 19/02/2009 22:04

Why do people get so upset over such innocent and probably friendly chit chat comments?? I just think we are 'overly sensitive' nowadays.

I have found out my second child is a boy and when I get chatting to other people that don't know me well they always say 'Ooo will you try again for a girl?'

IMO rude thing to ask cos suggesting my unborn child is a bit of a disappointment so I will have to try again to get it 'right' but not worth getting upset over. I honestly think people just say these things to try being chatty without thinking.

LucyEllensmummy · 19/02/2009 22:10

I did yes, thankyou BOF, i haven't looked it up yet - its on my to do list!

Original poster
Joe1977 · 19/02/2009 22:12

Okay, have read all your comments and my belated New Years resolutions are to be a little less sensitive, to try out the retort about the milkman and to find something better to worry about (the state of the economy/environment/my house...any other suggestions welcome!)

Thankyou

OP posts:
LucyEllensmummy · 19/02/2009 22:12

joe (same here although im a SAHM just now) - i find you can tell when people stop understanding, they start going cross eyed - its fun though innit

MommySarahEm · 19/02/2009 22:16

I have red hair and my mother's blonde and father's dark - I can remember one of my teachers asking me if I was adopted! My mother got very fed up with all the comments too, she and my dad always told me (and my brother) that people only commented because they thought our hair was so lovely. We never believed that but I'm sure it was the right thing to say!
Interestingly, with my red hair and my husband's dark hair, our little boy is blonde and now I'm getting comments about why his hair is that colour. It sounds quite ridiculous I'm sure but that makes me feel better - I'd always thought people commented because our hair was red but now I think it is just because they notice difference. If only they'd stick to noticing and not commenting!

LucyEllensmummy · 19/02/2009 22:23

perhaps you should start commenting on their ignorance instead of just noticing it

ScottishMummy · 19/02/2009 22:28

red hair is so striking!i love it.so celtic.your gorgeous children attract comments unfortunately from dullards

qwertpoiuy · 19/02/2009 22:29

My cousin and her DH used to get that as well, with their DD1 as they had jet black hair and got browned off about it. Both are of Irish descent, there are a lot of redheads in our families.
As it happens, their DD1 is now 20 and she's had her hair dyed black since her teens (even though she was a stunner with the red hair)- I often wonder if she found the comments offputting

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 19/02/2009 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

dustbuster · 19/02/2009 22:38

YANBU - people can be terribly offensive about red hair. There was a dreadful article in the Guardian by a man whose children had red hair all about how he and his wife have "ginger" children but had come to love it. And about how his sister also had redheaded daughters but went on about how they had to wear mascara.

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2008/aug/09/ginger.james.medd

LucyEllensmummy · 19/02/2009 22:40

I don't understand the whole ginger thing - i think ginger hair is lovely. Some people with ginger hair look a bit pasty i guess - but then so do some blondes and brunettes. I have dyed my hair auburn because i love it, but you can never achieve the natural colour.

LucyEllensmummy · 19/02/2009 22:40

LMAO at pregnanthedgewitch - thats is quite funny

coppertop · 19/02/2009 22:46

After years of teasing about my hair when I was younger, I've been pleasantly surprised to find that so far I've only ever heard compliments about my childrens' red hair.

The only time there was a problem was when one well-meaning couple stopped us in the street to tell ds that they wanted to steal his hair as it was so lovely. Being autistic he took it literally and we had to explain that there were no hair-snatchers waiting to pounce.

ingles2 · 19/02/2009 22:48

surely people are just trying to make conversation?...be friendly you know.
DH, DS2 and I all have brown hair/brown eyes but ds1 is very blond and blue eyed.
People comment on it all the time
I certainly don't get all twitchy about our genetic history, I'm pleased they are taking an interest.
Very very odd that you think it's difficult and you're obliged to explain. I think this says more about you.

FairLadyRantALot · 19/02/2009 22:50

hmm, my Kids are all blond, so are dh and I...and people still comment on their hair...it's what people do...
and tbh, I am as guilty for that...
when I see gorgeous red hair or gorgeous curls or massive brown eyes, or mixed race or black children who are scrumptious....well, I will say how gorgeous that trait is..it's friendly conversation and observation...probably should watch out incase I offend people...

BCNS · 19/02/2009 22:54

ahh we get comments too.. ds's have the same dad.. they are very very similar looking apart from.. ds1 is dark and olive with choc brown eyes.
and ds2 is as blonde, blue eyed and pale as you can get.

then I have dd from 2nd marriage.. and the amount of people who actually comment on they all must have different fathers is unbelievable!!

used to it now.. and I just comment back that I coloured them in differently!

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