Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Dad calls my DD 'the brat'

103 replies

lollipopmother · 18/02/2009 22:18

DD has just turned five months, PFB.

My Dad has called her 'the brat' pretty much since the beginning, she had awful colic in the evenings and used to scream the house down for about three hours a night. She's grown out of it now and is fine, she is a baby though and babies do cry occasionally!

Anyway, even when she is being perfectly angelic he calls her 'the brat'. It makes me actually boil inside. Just thinking about it winds me right up.

AIBU to think that this is not right, or am I just being PFB?

OP posts:
thederkinsdame · 18/02/2009 23:32

That is completely unacceptable behaviour IMOas children tend to believe what is said of them. I agree with Sidge that you should suggets that until they can be civil to your daughter, who is after all a person too, (albeit a small one at the moment!) that they should stay away.

I am concerned by their comment 'now we know it annoys you we'll do it all the more' Hope they learn to behave.

Alternatively you could make a flashcard with a pic of your Dad on and hold it up in front of your daughter whenever they are there and say 'Old Git.... Come on darling, say his name...' (joke!)

AnnVan · 19/02/2009 00:30

lollipop my Dad has always loved doing things even more once he knows it annoys me - but then he's never called MY 5 month old a brat. Parents are supposed to offer help and support, or at the least a sympathetic ear.You've had to deal with your DD's colic AND their complete lack of sympathy.
YANBU at all (or PFB)

BalloonSlayer · 19/02/2009 07:50

I wonder if to an older generation "brat" isn't all that offensive?

I seem to remember when I was growing up it seemed to me to be just another word for child, like kid or sprog. But now it seems to mean specifically a badly behaved child.

Could you ask him outright what her "bad behaviour" is? Presumably he won't be able to answer, which could give you the lever to explain how offensive he is being and that the visit is over if he says it again.

qwertpoiuy · 19/02/2009 07:57

My father used the word "brat" in a loving manner. It was when we were being funny or cute he would call us brats and we took it to mean something very affectionate. I think that's what it means to the older generation, as the years have passed it has been applied to people (not just children) who are being nasty.
Sadly, poor Dad died but I wouldn't have been affended if he called my children brats because I know he meant it lovingly - and your father might be getting the same meaning out of it.

piscesmoon · 19/02/2009 08:04

Even if he means it lovingly I should stop him-it is a horrible term.

ABetaDad · 19/02/2009 08:05

I disagree with other posters and would NOT tackle this matter head on. It is likely to lead to an arguement and defensiveness.

What I suggest is the OP talk to her mother and tell her mother how she feels and ask if she would tell her father not to call the baby a brat. I assume her father is still married to her mother.

I think the whole father/daugter dynamic is too loaded to have a proper conversation. It is better coming from the mother in private and when the baby is not in the house.

piscesmoon · 19/02/2009 08:08

You don't have to be unpleasant-I don't see any point in going all round the houses-just tell him politely but firmly that he is not to do it!

Sheeta · 19/02/2009 08:19

YANBU. My Dad always gave us nicknames (not very nice ones), and I have made clear from the start with DS that this will not be acceptable.

He probably doesn't realise how much it upsets you...

bumpybecky · 19/02/2009 08:20

I think I'd start calling him a senile old fool, see how he likes name calling...

blametheparents · 19/02/2009 08:27

Just looked at your profile, and have to say 'awww, she is super cute'

I agree with everyone that you are not being unreasonable.

qwertpoiuy · 19/02/2009 08:28

piscesmoon,of course that's true. But I wanted to add my piece because he seemed to be condemned as being malicious to the child when I don't think he is.
I'm also wondering if maybe it had a different meaning in Ireland (OP, is your father Irish?), though it's definitely not acceptable here now..

twentypence · 19/02/2009 08:29

You've told him how you feel, he's now doing it to wind you up. Lovely.

I would just repeat whatever he said back to your dd, but calmly and firmly use her name where he used 'brat', and follow up with "sticks and stones will break our bones, but names will never harm us" in a singsongy voice.

And make very sure that you never, ever, ever put her in a T shirt that proclaims she in a Princess or Mummies little Angel T shirt.

qwertpoiuy · 19/02/2009 08:43

oh, I should have read the whole thread before I placed my replies, he knows you don't like it but still uses it- talk about putting my foot in it. Now that is being mean.

Stayingsunnygirl · 19/02/2009 09:06

ABetaDad - I don't think it's going to help if the OP talks to her mum, because she's already raised the matter with her dad in front of her mum, and this is what happened:

"I've told him before a couple of times, once in front of my mother too and they both just really condescendingly said 'ohhh well we know you don't like it now so we'll do it some more'."

Lollipopmother - I don't think you are being unreasonable or PFB at all, and I think that the best answer is to tell him that you find his attitude hurtful and bullying, and you are not prepared to have that kind of attitude around your daughter - so if they want to spend time with you and her, they will have to mend their ways.

I'd also ask them outright why they think it is OK to upset you and make you unhappy - because that doesn't sound like loving parents.

purpleduck · 19/02/2009 09:18

Maybe your dad is a bit confused about "Brat"...? Considering the Bratz dolls that depict rather glamorous young women..?

I don't think the term is THAT offensive, but then my older BIL used to call me "Brat" in the nicest way.

How is his tone when he says it?
I personally would ignore it for awhile - you have said your bit about it, and he hasn't stopped -if he carries on, and his tone is rude, feel free to give it to him with both barrels!!

Also, is this his first Grandchild? Perhaps he is coming to terms with HIS dd having a child, and he is expressing it badly....?

apostrophe · 19/02/2009 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

2pt4kids · 19/02/2009 09:28

I'd call him something that you know he will HATE in return. Something as rude as you can think of - so every time he calls your DD a brat, you respond with 'thanks, you ugly twat' and keep doing it with a smile on your face saying 'ooh now I know it annoys you I'll do it more' if he gets wound up.
Thats what I'd do, show him how annoying it is!!

qwertpoiuy · 19/02/2009 09:50

That's a good idea, 2pt4kids!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 19/02/2009 09:51

It's horrible. The old man in the corner shop used to call my little brother 'terror'. He was a remarkably well behaved and good natured boy and he really hated it. Mum asked him to stop and he did. I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it but once she understands she may well be quite upset by it.

Stayingsunnygirl · 19/02/2009 09:53

I think even if the OP's dad is confused about the meaning of the word 'brat', he has no excuse for confusion about how he's upsetting her by using it. It sounds as if he's going to do it deliberately now, which is what makes it so nasty - not the meaning of the word, iyswim.

Nekabu · 19/02/2009 10:20

Tell him that. That you don't like it and that it annoys you because it's RUDE. Not because you're being precious or po-faced but because he is being rude to his dgd and if he doesn't quit it then you will have to seriously consider restricting access as you simply do not want her realising what he's calling her when she is old enough to understand. Calling a small baby by a derogatory term, especially when used in malicious manner (which it is if he's doing now to annoy you), is not very nice behaviour.

I remember reading Lucy Irvine's book Castaway and in it she mentions how she discovered what a deep effect being called a see you next Tuesday non stop for a year had on her feelings of worth. She didn't realise it at the time, Gerald didn't call her it deliberately to be nasty but that's what he referred to her as and it did have a longterm effect. Obviously that is a long stronger a term than brat but brat is still derogatory.

crumpet · 19/02/2009 10:22

I don't think it's that dreadful/horrible/rude/diesrespectful. Not great, and not a term that I particularly use (but equally I am pretty sure I have used it and will probably do again) - but not something I would get that upset about. I can see that it is irritating that he persists when he knows you don't like it - and family dynamics tend to mean that things get blown up - I know it is in my family.

It's the tone/intent behind the word that is important - anyone could just as easily say "angel" contemptuously and it would be clear it wasn't meant lovingly.

ChampagneDahling · 19/02/2009 10:32

He probably thinks it is funny and it has now got to be a habit. Try explaining gently that it bothers you and how would he like it if his GD starts calling him a pejorative nickname when she is old enough, like "dirty old man" or worse.... or maybe he would find that funny too? Maybe he just has an odd sense of humour? Nicknames and their implications vary across the country, eg calling someone a bitch or a bugger can be offensive or not depending on where you live, and your social group of course.

You could try breaking the habit by saying a word or phrase to him every time he says the word brat, like "brats take after grandparents" or whatever would annoy him.

IMO he definitely needs to stop doing this now.

pagwatch · 19/02/2009 10:40

As you have already explainedthat you don't like it he has now quite definately crossed a line - as has your mum.

If it were me I would explain again that this is not about you but about your DD. that you need them to stop it imediately and that if they coontinue they should asks thenselves very seriously what kind of a lame excuse of a grandparent call their grandchild names apparently in order to be mean to their daughter.
if after that they continue i would then tell them clearly that everytime they refer to her that way then they must leave/you will take her home AND THEN ACTUALLY DO IT.

But to be honest i can't see why they are thinking this is funny or clever in the first place.

Helen31 · 19/02/2009 11:39

YANBU. Clearly some people on here don't find brat that offensive, but you do, so it upsets you. I am at your parents' reaction when you asked them not to do it - mine and my DP's would be mortified if they thought they were doing something to upset us. As it is clearly upsetting you such a lot, think the suggestion put forward by dittany is the way to go. Good luck!

Swipe left for the next trending thread