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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my husband is useless?

69 replies

soon2befamilyof4 · 17/02/2009 00:12

Seriously. I have been ill and have asked him to do a couple of things for me.

He bathed DD for me earlier, in the hope I could get 20 mins to myself. No. I keep getting called "can you get her towel from upstairs" "can you get her milk ready?" "can you help me with x, y z".

I asked him to make me a sandwich for tea. He got the butter out, couldn't spread it (it is easy, spreadable tub stuff). Made a hole in the bread, Got annoyed and started shouting. Moaned about how useless it is. So I asked him to bring it in to me and I would do it myself. He brought it all in but without the bread and had a new loaf. When I asked him he said the other bread was too battered to use so he had to throw it away . Did it myself with no problems.

He doesn't do much housework, if he does anything, I have to nag him and he usually does a crap job and I have to re-do it after.

He doesn't do any DIY

Can't cook ("helped" cook the other night and gave me food poisoning - I think).

I know it sounds horrible and I love him to bits but just get so frustrated!! It is like having another child!?!

OP posts:
tigerdriver · 17/02/2009 00:15

the clue to the answer is in the word "husband". IME men just can't do stuff unless it is (hero moment coming up) taking out the bins.

Original poster
soon2befamilyof4 · 17/02/2009 00:18

He doesn't even do that right tiger! We have different bins for different stuff and I always make sure I tell him which bin to put it in and 90% of the time he puts it in the wrong one!!!

OP posts:
tigerdriver · 17/02/2009 00:22

Oh, I can see that, yes.

I spend a lot of time asking my DS loudly "what do you mean, Daddy didn't give you any lunch/supper/breakfast"? Daddy's answer, I didn't know what he would like. DS is nearly 7, between them they might just make some toast or summat! AAARGH.

But just think how nice it is to be wearing a halo like we are...

Original poster
soon2befamilyof4 · 17/02/2009 00:25

Oh yes that sounds like my DH! lol. He doesn't eat himself if I am not home either. I could be out all day and he just won't eat anything! Or if he can find 5 bags of crisps he will eat those!!

OP posts:
Tiramissu · 17/02/2009 00:25

Sorry, but i dont think there is anyone who cant do things, cant look after himself, cant cook. Everybody can.

Husbands are like children () so you have to encourage them and praise them, not criticising them. And 'teach' them about actions and results. i.e. he forgot to buy bread? Oh dear, now we cant eat bread tonight. I bet next time he ll remember. If you dont do everything then they ll have to learn/remember.

Sit back and let him make mistakes, soon he will learn

keepingitRia · 17/02/2009 00:32

aargh, DH syndrome. My DH is a chef and still does the 5 bags of crisps thing. (OK,so you don't want to cook after a long day at work, but Toast, sandwich... even I - mere wifey who can't cook - can do that)

Bins??? breakfats for Dss????

Do we question the fact that as mothers we are causing this...

or do we just get annoyed

I feel your pain fo4, I wish I had the answers.

although, I cooked DHs tea tonight, so that should solve the food thing for tomorrow if he wants a decent meal

tigerdriver · 17/02/2009 00:33

yeah but make sure he thinks it's his idea tho

keepingitRia · 17/02/2009 00:35

obviously not causing "this" in the same way MIL did of course...

My DS1 is already hated by his cookery teacher quite able to cook. DS2 has a pressing interest, and even DS3 (19m) is better at shaking a pan in a cheffy way than I am.

now for laundry...

Stitchwort · 17/02/2009 00:37

My DH seems to only ever be able to do half a job. Quite often he will do the washing up (which is a good thing, don't get me wrong) but he will ALWAYS leave the pans 'soaking' so that I have to finish them.

He has emptied the bin as tomorrow is bin day, the bin is now in 2 halves on kitchen floor with no new bin bag in and old bin bag is by the front door - he is in bed!!!

Hmmm is a lovely thought Tiramissu, but the phrase old dog, new tricks comes to mind

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 17/02/2009 00:47

classic male manipulative behaviour OP! and sorry but you give into it, and it will just carry on. I have a little word for you. its called "no".

so, in your example, "can you get her towel for me?" practice this in a calm but don't mess with me laddy tone: "no. i am ill, and trying to rest. YOU are bathing dd. that involves getting her towel too. thank you."

and so on. eventually it does work! but the key is to stay very calm and polite, explain why you are saying no, and ask them to think about the consequences of their actions. In fact, train your husband exactly as you deal with a emotionally unhinged toddler. Only the toddler is usually quicker on the uptake.

I am two glasses of wine in, and it seems so easy from here!

Original poster
soon2befamilyof4 · 17/02/2009 00:53

Yes but I can't say no when DD is in the bath and the towel is upstairs because that would mean he would either have to leave her in the bath which is a definate no no or carry her, cold and wet upstairs while he goes to get her. Neither of which I would let happen when I am only having a rest.

OP posts:
techpep · 17/02/2009 01:15

'when i am only having a rest', this is why we find ourselves in this situation. Our rest time is not important to us so why do we expect it to be to dh?

thomsc · 17/02/2009 08:44

Right... I'm a little hurt that 'all men are useless and you should treat them like toddlers'.

Now, I'm not defending the behaviour of any of the men you mention but please don't tar us all with the same brush.

It does sound like you need to remind the men in your lives that they are adults, they have responsibilities and duties within the household and they should buck their ideas up

I'm in no way perfect but I do all the shopping and cooking, I'm a SAHD so I do all childcare for our two year old DS1, DW appears to be 'in charge' of laundry but I put whatever she's left out for washing in and out of the machine without mishap. I do any necessary maintenance and DIY. Oh and put the bins out.

Fairynufff · 17/02/2009 08:51

I have a number of friends whose DHs are just like this (mine would be also if I let him) and yet they all have well paid, competent managerial grade jobs. Don't tell me that they really "don't know how to work a hoover ha ha". They are simply not interested because they regard it as insignificant women's work.
I agree with toomuchmonth he needs re-training.

ChampagneDahling · 17/02/2009 11:06

Frankly he sound like a PITA.

compo · 17/02/2009 11:11

book yourself a girlie weekend so he has to do everything
did he just move in with you straight from his mother's?
this is why I only dated men who'd been to university

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 17/02/2009 11:16

WHY do women put up with this? Your husbands are not remotely incapable of doing domestic work, they just think that it is your job, because you are a woman, not a person, and that they are the important ones in the relationship whose needs come first. If they are prepared to make their children suffer in order to avoid doing any domestic work and guilt-trip you into doing it (ie they don't feed the children so you feel you can't leave them in charge of the children) then TBH that is verging on abusive behaviour - men who feel that their families exist only to benefit them are men who can quite easily turn abusive if it's pointed out to them that the rest of the family have needs and feelings and rights as well.

VictorianSqualor · 17/02/2009 11:16

Threads like this make me want to growl at womankind.

All men are perfectly capable of doing the things you mention. Unless of course they have some form of disability.
Being male is nothing to do with it, having a partner (be it male or female) that allows you to behave this way is what it's all about.

My EX was exactly like this, I made him ABLE to behave like this by running around like a headless chicken and doing things 'for him' when he said he couldn't do it.

DP is nothing like this, why? Because from the very beginning I made sure he was clear that I wasn't doing everything. I do praise, no, more openly appreciate, him, I tell him I'm glad he's not an arse like some of my friends' partners who do sweet F.A. but he will also 'praise' me.

Sorry ladies, but it's down to you. Tell these 'men' to grow up, pull their fingers out and get on with the job. Then leave them to it.

thomsc · 17/02/2009 11:42

Agrees with VS.

Stop talking about 'training' and treating them like kids.

Tell them to get on with being an adult and show appreciation rather than a star chart and treat each other with respect.

If they can push a lawnmower they can hoover.

GGGRrrr

thomsc · 17/02/2009 11:46

BTW I'm not disagreeing with the OP - the DH sounds like he's being a useless arse - just the "it's because they are men" theme. It's because they are lazy and self-centred.

DaddyJ · 17/02/2009 11:48

I'd love my daughter to marry a bloke like that.

Would be a fun experience to move in with them for a few months
and go all Gunnery Sergeant Hartman on him.

Seriously, OP, you have to decide what kind of team you want to be in.
This behaviour/attitude might be acceptable if your partner was working extremely long hours
and bringing home mega-bucks.
Otherwise: Needs addressing.

bronze · 17/02/2009 11:50

GO away for a week and leave him to it

nickytwotimes · 17/02/2009 11:51

Thread like this bug me too.

All men are NOT useless. The op's dh is behaving like an idiot, but they are not all like that any more than all women are shopping obsessed bimbos.

Anyone can do domestic chores.

notyummy · 17/02/2009 11:53

Don't let them get away with it! Also, I agree with the points with not tarring people with the same brush. My DH is not like this, and that is more because he sees things that need to be done as a partnership. There are things that I do better than him (cooking and menu planning) and vice versa (he always tuts at my washing up, so he does it all). Consistently being rubbish at anything domestic is a classic attempt to avoid being asked....but you have to be able to relax your rules and not be goaded into jumping in and helping.

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 17/02/2009 11:53

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