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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my husband is useless?

69 replies

soon2befamilyof4 · 17/02/2009 00:12

Seriously. I have been ill and have asked him to do a couple of things for me.

He bathed DD for me earlier, in the hope I could get 20 mins to myself. No. I keep getting called "can you get her towel from upstairs" "can you get her milk ready?" "can you help me with x, y z".

I asked him to make me a sandwich for tea. He got the butter out, couldn't spread it (it is easy, spreadable tub stuff). Made a hole in the bread, Got annoyed and started shouting. Moaned about how useless it is. So I asked him to bring it in to me and I would do it myself. He brought it all in but without the bread and had a new loaf. When I asked him he said the other bread was too battered to use so he had to throw it away . Did it myself with no problems.

He doesn't do much housework, if he does anything, I have to nag him and he usually does a crap job and I have to re-do it after.

He doesn't do any DIY

Can't cook ("helped" cook the other night and gave me food poisoning - I think).

I know it sounds horrible and I love him to bits but just get so frustrated!! It is like having another child!?!

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 17/02/2009 12:02

I hate these threads.

Your DH is being a plonker.

But often we women let our men be plonkers, we shake our heads and say "what is he like, useless, typical man".

Then we redo whatever he did.

So next time he will not do the hoovering as he thinks there is no point as DW will do it again anyway.

My DH has a theory. He noted that my friend does not "let" her DH iron anymore after he singed her best blouse. DH reckons that for my friend's DH it was worth the hassle as he has never been asked to iron again.

MorrisZapp · 17/02/2009 12:03

I've seen it, done and been there with the 'domestically incompetent' man. And I agree, it is mainly bullshit. Men are generally just as intelligent, self starting and able as women - after all, they hold down jobs don't they?

If we keep pandering then why would they bother doing any housework?

My DP is pretty good around the house but has a few blind spots, such as never buying toilet roll then looking surprised/ aggreived when there is no fresh stock in the cupboard.

You just have to stand firm, and keep telling yourself that if he is able to work in the real world then basic shopping, cleaning and food prep is well within his capabilities.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 17/02/2009 12:15

I am always posting this on these threads. it was written FORTY YEARS AGO and women are STILL putting up with crap.

UnquietDad · 17/02/2009 12:16

I've found it helps if you occasionally thank each other for doing stuff round the house. Not taking it for granted. And if your DH has done the washing-up but put one plate back in the wrong place, for god's sake DON'T start the conversation with "why did you put that plate back in the wrong place?"

If he is reasonably good round the house and does more than most other men (e.g. useless husbands of your friends), then acknowledge that and don't consider it irrelevant what other men do.

kiddiz · 17/02/2009 12:53

I did go and leave my Dh to it for two weeks. We had booked a holiday with my parents and because Dh changed his job he wasn't able to get both weeks holiday so couldn't come. I went with dcs rather than lose the holiday.
When I got back there were about 10 unwashed milk bottles on the kitchen worktop and several pints in the fridge in various stages of goneoffness...He hadn't at any point thought to cancel the milkman even when it was building up or put any of the empties out. The kitchen floor was so dirty I stuck to it when I walked on it. He had done no laundry or vacuuming and he definately hadn't touched the bathroom. He hadn't put the bins out for two weeks or done any food shopping. We did have a nice new computer though. (present to himself as he was feeling sorry for himself!!)
This was a man who had looked after himself for 3 years at uni.
If I ask him to do anything he's there every five minutes with a stream of questions. Where's this? What shall I do with that? Etc., etc. I am well aware he does this on purpose so I won't ask him to do anything!
His argument has always been that the dcs don't do anything so why should he? Apart from the fact that they will do stuff when asked, he should be setting them an example not be in competition with them to do less than they do.
He once proudly announced that he hadn't been in a supermarket for a year!!!!!

Original poster
soon2befamilyof4 · 17/02/2009 13:08

Kiddiz - my house was worse than that when I came home from the hospital after giving birth to DD . Honestly, if I left him for 2 weeks, the house would be a lot worse.

And he does struggle to hold down jobs. For the same reason - they all seem to find him useless!!!! He just doens't seem to have any logic or common sence.

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 17/02/2009 13:14

I am at this statement..."His argument has always been that the dcs don't do anything so why should he? "

Firstly, children shouldn't be waited on hand and foot either, EVERYONE who lives in a house should contribute to it.

Secondly, WTF?!?!?! He is supposed to be your partner and he puts himself on a level with your children?!?!??!

MmeLindt · 17/02/2009 13:58

I would have turned around and left the house if I had come home to that. Had another 2 weeks holiday.

If he can afford a new pc then he could afford to have a cleaner come in once a week to shovel up his mess.

VeryAnnieMary · 17/02/2009 14:08

We got a new washing machine.

My husband asked me how to use it.

He received a terse "work it out".

Though I have to say that he's actually brilliant at chores - sometimes better than me - he cooks and shops and washes up and hoovers. I dust and clean the bathrooms and do laundry. Not all men are like the OP's DP. I get so frustrated hearing about those types though - it's a dereliction of duty. The more questions someone asks while doing a chore the easier it is to do it yourself - but that's no way to learn how to do it. Women, be strong against these layabouts!

FriarKewcumber · 17/02/2009 14:08

so glad I don;t have a DH when I hear about some of them.

VeryAnnieMary · 17/02/2009 14:09

Ps if my lovely DP asks how to do something simple I laugh uproariously at him. And when he does it without being asked I say thank you and give him a kiss. And before anyone says does he thank me for laundry etc, well, yes, he does now

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 17/02/2009 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

vezzie · 17/02/2009 14:15

VictorianSqualor - maybe I am ancient but when I was a child it was common for dads / husbands to do far less than kids, or maybe just daughters - and it was implicitly accepted that the pecking order in terms of who would get landed with any household chores was dad = exempt, kids do a reasonable amount, mum does the rest, reasonable or otherwise. (But then dads tended to do lots of stuff like fix cars and bikes and build fences.) Maybe kiddiz's husband was brought up in a similar way and hasn't noticed that lots of people have changed their minds about this hierarchy.

I feel as if many women don't find it acceptable to say "do it yourself because I am having an hour off" - to anyone. In the past they would say to kids "be quiet and amuse yourselves, I am making your dad's tea". Now they might feel it is ok to say to partners, "can you look after your own x,y,z, I am making the kids' tea." Things will really have changed when they say, "partner, kids, do something about making the tea today because I am going to read my book."

VictorianSqualor · 17/02/2009 14:22

Vezzie, look at the article solidgold linked to..
Also, I don't understand your point.
So what if he thought it was ok? It still is in some relationships. Some people LIKE to live like that. Those who don't should speak up.

TheCrackFox · 17/02/2009 14:24

I watched my big bro pulling the same classic stunts with my mum.

My DH tried all that guff when we first moved in (pretending to be useless at housework so you will get so exasperated that I would take over.). I calmly told him "that I was not his mum, and that if he wants to make me feel all mumsy for him the sex will stop." Seemed to cure him at Crap at houseworktitis.

My eldest son (7yrs) pretended just last week that he couldn't perform so basic household chore. I calmly told him "that he needed more practise and would be helping more often". Seemed to cure him too.

cheesesarnie · 17/02/2009 14:29

' if he does anything, I have to nag him and he usually does a crap job and I have to re-do it after. '

you let him not do it imo.

mumof2222222222222222boys · 17/02/2009 14:29

I wouldn't put up with the OP's husband. I think I should appreciate DH more - as other have said, not all men are the same.

ABetaDad · 17/02/2009 14:36

thomsc and nickytwotimes

I strongly agree. Not ALL men are like this and I resent the media stereotpe that is often bandied about that men are lazy and useless. I see it in adverts a lot and I find it insulting and annoying. I also resent the stereotype that as long as there is a scantily clad women in the advert we will buy the product.

All men can do stuff around the house and help with the kids - quite frankly it is up to their women to put their foot down and make them do it.

Sorry - I got a bit ranty there.

UnquietDad · 17/02/2009 14:41

I do think it's a bit unfair to snap at someone who asks how to use the washing-machine. Some people learn best by being shown.

Suppose you had little experience at (choosing something stereotypically "male" here but you get the point) cars or computers. You wouldn't like it if, when you came in and asked him, "darling, what does that red light flashing on the dashboard mean?" or "It's saying #404 Protocol Glonthometery Error In Register, Please Reconfigure - do you have any idea how to do that?" - you'd be a bit miffed if DH then snapped "Work it out yourself!" That's not really being a partner in the relationship.

Sidge · 17/02/2009 14:47

The clue is in your posts:

"Seriously. I have been ill and have asked him to do a couple of things for me.

He bathed DD for me earlier"

You say he is doing things for you. Why? Isn't he doing them for his child, or to contribute to the running of the household?

If he does things for you, rather than for himself, then no wonder he feels useless. It's a self fulfilling prophecy - he is doing you a favour, thus can't possibly be as efficient as you and it's bound to go wrong. If you treat him like a child he will act like one.

VeryAnnieMary · 17/02/2009 14:51

Hi UnquietDad - I take your point but he was quite happy about using the old washing machine and had an uncharacteristic moment of uselessness on looking at the new one, which, in my defence, had all the information written on the front of it. My lovely DP does have a small tendency to forget how to use his eyes - he's very sweet about it though as I do laugh at his attempts to find things that are actually in the first place he looks. I'm beginning to think his brain isn't wired properly to find things. He'd have been a rubbish hunter-gatherer.....

I am a bit grumpy in a sort of surrogate way over this type of uselessness as my little sister is married to a man who prides himself on his intelligence but refuses to do anything at all around the house. But then she should have known, even before their dcs when they were both working full time he would say she should do all the housework as her contribution because she earned less than him. Oh it makes my blood boil, but she has certainly made a rod for her own back.

VeryAnnieMary · 17/02/2009 14:53

ps what's "Glonthometery"?

UnquietDad · 17/02/2009 14:54

made up, don't worry!

Songbird · 17/02/2009 14:55

Quite right Sidge, just like how if mums go out, the dads are 'babysitting'

smellyeli · 17/02/2009 14:58

'He bathed DD for me earlier' - he didn't do it for you, he did it because he's her Dad!

I agree, not a useful stereotype, the 'all men are domestically useless and therefore if we want a job doing properly us multi-tasking women will have to do it ourselves' - makes a rod for your own back. Relinquish control for a bit, the DC's won't (completely) starve (although it sounds like some of them might develop scurvy ) and the house will not fall down.

My DH is generally great, sometimes he just forgets stuff at eg. bathtime/getting out of house because he currently has a long commute - which he hates, as he misses seeing the children in the mornings and evenings - and so isn't as practised at it. This is not him being crap and the more he does it the better he gets! A bit like me with the bins. And making gravy. And custard. And using a drill.

Clearly, if you are doing EVERYTHING then this is wrong. But even in the modern world, there are still divisions of labour and areas of expertise within a domestic relationship, I think. (Although I have to say that #404 Protocol Glonthometery Error In Register, Please Reconfigure would fox both of us, and I would have to post on MN for UQD to sort out)

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