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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable - at what age can my son decide if he wants his ear pierced?

26 replies

Bowbelles · 13/02/2009 20:50

Sorry I need to have a rant - my 13 year old son has asked me if he can have his ear pierced. I thought this was a perfectly reasonable request and told him that he could, but suggested he also mention it to his dad.
He asked his dad if it was ok and he immediately shouted "No!".
I didn't say anything in front of my son but asked my DP(!) for the reason he was so adamant to which he replied "he's 13 - if he asked if he could take drugs would you let him? I blame people like you for the state the country is in!" WTF?
He could not give any valid reason in my opinion - his only reason was because he didn't want him to 'look like a pikey'.
OMG is it me or is he a complete wanker?

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 13/02/2009 20:51

i don't think that at 13 your son can decide.
you have to be over a certain age to get piercings... it's at least 16.

so, you would technically have to accompany him.

as such I think it's something you and your partner have to agree on

chainstitch · 13/02/2009 20:53

35

Original poster
Bowbelles · 13/02/2009 20:54

Can I just add that there was also an incident earlier in the week where my DS had come in from school with a bit of mud on his trousers and DP had grounded him! It was an inset day h was expecting his friends to call for him. DP was at home for the day and I was going to work. I told DP that I thought it was a bit harsh to ground him for something like that. DP allowed DS to go out but we ended up rowing over it.
Does anyone agree with me or am I being a softie?
DS already feel as though he is treated differently to my other DS's, and DP's son from a previous marriage had his ear pierced by the time he was 2 years old!
Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
BurpyErnie · 13/02/2009 20:55

When he has a job and can pay for it himself.

Original poster
Bowbelles · 13/02/2009 20:56

I realise that I would have to accompany him TIY, but at 13 I think he has some say in the matter

OP posts:
Eve34 · 13/02/2009 20:56

If it was a 13 year old girl would it be different? Think it is a reasonable request but how you challenge DP I don't know.

Original poster
Bowbelles · 13/02/2009 20:58

I know Eve - what winds me up is that he says No and that's the end of it - no discussion about it, just No! Why should it be his decision?

OP posts:
LadyGlencoraPalliser · 13/02/2009 20:58

I am guessing that if the OP had come on here and asked if it was reasonable to allow her 13-year-old daughter to have her ears pierced she would have been told that it was and her DH was being an arse.
So why not her DS?

Original poster
Bowbelles · 13/02/2009 21:00

Exactly!

OP posts:
NeedCoffee · 13/02/2009 21:03

not read all the thread but i think he's definately old enough to at least take his request seriously, at least he isn't asking for a tattoo/not having sex(that you know of)/drugs etc. sounds pretty tame to me, amd theirs a chance that other kids'll take the mick anyway and he'll take it out.

springlamb · 13/02/2009 21:03

Ah we have much the same problem.

I've temporarily solved it with - magnetic studs from Claire's accessories. You can get some quite plain ones, not really girly at all, and DS wears one of these if he's going out. (And that bugger curmudgeon DH was seen slightly tipsy at Xmas wandering around with the other one in. Bloody cheek)

Can you find some old pictures of DH at around the same age displaying his own 'choices'? Many DHs with teenage sons seem to have awful photos of themselves as teenagers in huge long macs (a la Steve Strange), dreadful home highlights, pork pie hats. When their parents moaned, they'd have retorted 'But it's fashion, it's my statement, I'm expressing myself'. Sometimes they need a reminder they were 13 once too.

thisisyesterday · 13/02/2009 21:05

my answer would have been the same regardless of whether the child is male or female.

a 13 yr old needs parental consent for a piercing and thus, I believe, both parents should agree.
now, whether or not the OP's partner is being unreasonable or not... that's a different matter entirely. It definitely is unreasonable to issue a blanket no, and refuse to discuss.

but if he feels that strongly about it then his wishes really ought to be taken into account as well.

personally I hate earrings in boys. bizarre because I fight all the time about gender stereotypes, so I probably just need to get some perspective lol..

mrsjammi · 13/02/2009 21:09

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
Bowbelles · 13/02/2009 21:11

thanks springlamb - this sounds like a really good compromise. I'll look into it.
I think I'm just annoyed that he point blank refuses and won't even discuss it, and to compare having an ear pierced to taking drugs - he's such an idiot at times!
He then starts getting really agressive because he is really controlling and doesn't like it when he doesn't get his own way.

OP posts:
chainstitch · 13/02/2009 21:12

there are actually two different issues here.
one, the child wanting pierced ears.
two, the strong opinion on a parenting choice by one parent which is completely opposite to the other parents view. this is a relationship type issue between the adults.

what if it was circumscion you were disagreeing on?
or what school the child goes too?
imo, the situations are similar.

Original poster
Bowbelles · 13/02/2009 21:13

Mrsjammi - no I never discuss anything like this in front of the dc's.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bowbelles · 13/02/2009 21:14

you've hit the nail on the head chainstitch - we have totally different ways of parenting

OP posts:
mrsjammi · 13/02/2009 21:18

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harleyd · 13/02/2009 21:18

ds1 decided at age 7 (p2) he wanted his ear pierced..because half his class had it done
he's 10 now and still not allowed
he has been told the same as my girls, who are 7 and 5, the summer before secondary school if they still want them

im quite at the pikey comment

chainstitch · 13/02/2009 21:18

bow , i dont think you are being unreasonable as such. but, in the face of such a strong opinion, i think it would be better to delay the piercings.

i have told dd she can have hers pierced when she is sixtten, or when i think she is old enought ot care for it herself, might even be later. but i will probly relent summer between starting secondary.
ds's on the other hand hav ebeen told they can doso when they turn 35, and not a day before. my husband also has very strong opinions on this, and i think it important to respect them here.

mamablump · 13/02/2009 21:38

I am new to this and want to know what DH, DS, OP, DP and TIY means.
On the ear piercing thing, I think it is much more preferable to have a piercing when you are younger than a tatoo. At least when you realise it looks ridiculous, you can take it out and you will never know it was there, unlike a tatoo.

Although my husband, strangely enough says he would never let our son have a piercing and if he wanted one he would have to wait until he was 18!! (our son is 7 months!)

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 13/02/2009 21:42

Same as a girl. Whatever age you think your daughter could choose, so can he. I was 10, but I'd lean towards 13 for a boy or a girl. I think earrings on boys look horrible but that doesn't mean I would stop my son from getting one if he wanted. My dad flipped when I got my nose pierced at 18 which I thought was pretty hypocritical since it was him who took me to get my ears done at 10! You need to let your kids make up their own minds on this stuff as soon as you think they are old enough to make informed decisions.

TheSmallClanger · 13/02/2009 21:47

It sounds like the ear-piercing isn't the issue here, it's a clash of parenting styles. I'd put the ear dilemma to one side for a bit, at least.

13 is old enough to decide to have an ear piercing, but will your DS get in trouble at school for it?
DH has asked me to say that because he was never allowed his ears pierced properly, he got his friend's sister to do it and they went scabby.

ThePgHedgeWitchIsCrankyBeware · 13/02/2009 21:49

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
Bowbelles · 13/02/2009 22:25

Thanks for all the comments = I feel so much better now.
School allows him to wear 1 earring Clanger.
Thanks mamablump I said the same thing - he can always remove it as DP did with his!
Chainstitch - what about my strong opinions - the trouble is DP ALWAYS thinks he's right and will not listen to anyone else's opinion, but thanks for your comments!
Hedgewitch - he is a total tit I agree and I really feel like doing that believe me, but don't think it be a good idea at the mo as he has just told DS No so I don't want to undermine him now.
I have decided I will speak to DS and tell him that if he still feels the same in a year then we'll have a chat again. In the meantime I will get him one of those magnetic ones from Claires (thanks springlamb)
Thanks everyone

OP posts:
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