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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my boyfriend tight?

56 replies

peachyfox · 13/02/2009 11:58

I've been living with my boyfriend for about a year and a half of our 2 year relationship, first in my flat, for just a few months. He paid half the mortgage but no bills (it was just 3 months and the subject never came up). Then we were away for 6 months and split everything. We came back to live in his flat - mine is let out. I have always paid half the mortgage (even when he went onto default rate because he was too lazy to sort out the new one in time). I pay for most of the food because I cook every night (waitrose opposite - v. dangerous). I pay all the utility bills. He pays the internet and he SAYS he pays the council tax but he never told them I moved in so basically he's only paying what he would have done and I'm essentially exposed to prosecution for being a vile scammer which I hate. We always argue about money. Yesterday he said I should also really, if I could, pay half the building's insurance and maintenance fee on the flat (I pay these on my own flat, but of course it's let out - at a profit). Its re this last issue I would like your various opinions. As a live-in girlfriend, should I pay things like maintenance charge and building's insurance? It's £450. I'm freelance and work is bad. He's quite well off.

I'm aware this is a rather dry AIBU so I will add that we am 3 months pg with no. 1, age 41, conceived via IVF donor sperm (hereditary reasons) which I paid 9K for myself (no complaints here, money well spent).

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
TheThoughtPolice · 13/02/2009 12:01

IMO, the household bills etc should be split equally according to earnings. My DH earns 15 times what I do and so his financial contribution to the household is greater than mine. As a percentage of each of our salaries it is probably about equal though.

Tamarto · 13/02/2009 12:01

Yes you would be U if he split everything else in half, but he doesn't does he?

piratecat · 13/02/2009 12:02

hang on

you pay

half mortgage, food and utilites

he pays

half mortgage, internet and reduced council tax. btw if they find out you'll be prosecuted.

he is taking the pee.

RealityIsMyOnlyValentine · 13/02/2009 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TheThoughtPolice · 13/02/2009 12:03

You need to tell the coucil tax people that you have moved in.

It sounds like your DP needs to grow up. When I read your post I assumed he was in his early 20's (not that age is an excuse) but reading that you are 41, I assume that he is somewhere nearer to your age and I am astounded that a man in or nearly in his 40's is so immature when it comes to finances and relationships.

fluffyanimal · 13/02/2009 12:03

Why don't you just sit down and work out all your income and outgoings and split them between you? Are you both working?

trixiethepixie · 13/02/2009 12:06

Yep - he's tight.

I sincerely hope he'll be putting his hand in his pocket more when you have a new baby and you won't be working as much.

roulade · 13/02/2009 12:06

I personally would ask why this never came up when he was living bill free in my house!!!

BCNS · 13/02/2009 12:07

eeeew sounds like my ex!

he once charged me for toothpaste! .

smudgie2626 · 13/02/2009 12:10

Personally speaking ... and you may not like this. Tell him you can both pay half of everything if he puts your name on the deeds. If he aint up for that then give your tennants notice and get the hell out of there.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 13/02/2009 12:10

Yes he's tight, and behaving like an arse.

I don't get this seperation of finances. You are having a child together so IMO your finances should be joint. You need to sort this before the baby is born.

Why don't you sell your flats and buy somewhere that is yours, and then everything will be joint instead of his and hers?

specialmagiclady · 13/02/2009 12:12

I once borrowed the cost of a lottery ticket from my ex. When the 1st 3 numbers came up I rashly said "we'll split the winnings 50/50". No more numbers came up. We won a tenner. I got 4 quid of it, because of course I'd borrowed the quid to buy the ticket in the first place.

Arsehole.

Seriously, you need to sort out some kind of joint living arrangement because you're about to take on something far more serious. Try and set it up so you oan't fight about it too much in future.

Original poster
peachyfox · 13/02/2009 12:12

Oh god, I knew he'd come out as tight. Will it help to say he's funny and clever and loving? He really is. We always argue about money. I just asked him about supporting me after the baby and he said of course he would - so long as I didn't think I never had to work again.
Jumble sales here i come.
Sigh.

OP posts:
TheThoughtPolice · 13/02/2009 12:12

Crappy time economy-wise to be selling 2 flats

TheThoughtPolice · 13/02/2009 12:14

He's going to need to grow up fast once your child is born.

Have you billed him for the £4.5k for his half of the payments made for the 2 of you to have a child that presumably BOTH of you planned to have together ?

TheThoughtPolice · 13/02/2009 12:15

sorry, grammatically that last sentence was abysmal !

BCNS · 13/02/2009 12:16

sit down and talk to him now.. this could jolly well be the breaking issue if you're already argue about it.

TrillianAstra · 13/02/2009 12:17

Separation of finances is sensible if you have different attitudes to money (as it seems you do) - I don't agree that everything should be joint. But I do think that all costs should be shared, and shared according to ability to pay.

Why not write down everything you have spent on 'joint' things (eg food) for the past month and show it to him. And tell him to grow up and stop thinking he is being clever by not informing the council tax people.

Your boyfriend is tight. And I'm afraid that from this description he doesn't really sound like the sort of person I would want to have a child with. But that's just my opinion and I hope he has other redeeming qualities.

TheThoughtPolice · 13/02/2009 12:19

He must have an enormous wang

[sorry to lower the tone]

CeceliaAhern · 13/02/2009 12:19

Could you not put an amount of money each into a joint account to pay for all the household stuff? Then its all equal.

Re. the baby, is he going to be the baby's father? If so, I do think his responsibility should have started form the moment of conception. I know you don't have a problem with this, but once the baby's here with all the ensuing expense, who pays for that?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 13/02/2009 12:20

TTP - it is a crap time to sell, but it could be a great time to buy!

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 13/02/2009 12:20

YEs, work out exactly what the costs of living are and how much each of you is paying at the moment, then give him it all written down and say, look, this is the situation, this is what's reasonable - and see how he takes it. If he comes up with lots of excuses as to why he's entitled to leech off you, then you might want to think about moving out ASAP.

Helen31 · 13/02/2009 12:27

He does sound a bit immature... but let's be realistic, loads of couples argue about finances, so you're hardly a weirdo couple for doing that. Thing is you need to work out a system for managing your finances that you can both feel comfortable with before the baby arrives. And as you're not married, suggest you get some advice (Citizens Advice may be able to help) on how you stand legally, as it is not going to be funny if you did split up and find that you have been paying half his mortgage (or he paying half yours) for years and you're not sure whether you're entitled to any of the equity built up, or he's entitled to some of yours. Best to get it sorted now while you're on good terms (which it sounds as if you are!).

CatchaStar · 13/02/2009 12:36

Why are so many men tight when it comes to money?

As far as I'm concerned, what would be fair is to split all bills equally depending on who earns what. If he's earning 3 times what you do i think it'd be pretty unfair of him to expect you to split all costs down to the last penny equally.

Sit him down and draw up a financial plan of everything you spend money on jointly. Then decide together on who pays how much towards mortgage, bills, council tax etc so that it is balanced on wages.

For instance, if you earn £25,00 and he was earning £45,000, I'd say that you could pay some bills, food and half the council tax. He pays mortgage (assuming it's quite big) and the rest of the council tax and bills. Spilt it all so that it's equal and fair depending on who earns what iyswim?

Money is the root of all evil I tells ya!

I took my dd down to see my exp on Monday (at my own cost) and we decided to get a chinese for dinner as a treat. Delivery man shows up, I ask for half the money from exp to which he responded 'I don't have any money.' So I had to pay, for it all. And then watch him eat the bloody thing, that I paid for. He manages to line his pockets with fags though you understand!

Men, who'd have 'em!

Original poster
peachyfox · 13/02/2009 12:40

Thanks all!

We're going to live abroad in a couple of weeks and will be putting equal moneys in an account to pay for stuff till I can't.

He is the legal father of the baby but didn't really want me to have the treatment. He wanted to adopt. I said I would do it anyway and he said he would definitely support me. He still will.

We're only selling his flat. I've told him I'm keeping mine and the income from the rent unless we're married...

Thanks Helen, for your pragmatism! He will be a good father. I think sometimes attitude towards money is ingrained pretty deep. I don't care about my £££ very much and I've allowed myself to be railroaded into a crap position.

Ah ThoughtPolice, he has an average-sized wang but uses it well!!!

OP posts: