Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my boyfriend tight?

56 replies

peachyfox · 13/02/2009 11:58

I've been living with my boyfriend for about a year and a half of our 2 year relationship, first in my flat, for just a few months. He paid half the mortgage but no bills (it was just 3 months and the subject never came up). Then we were away for 6 months and split everything. We came back to live in his flat - mine is let out. I have always paid half the mortgage (even when he went onto default rate because he was too lazy to sort out the new one in time). I pay for most of the food because I cook every night (waitrose opposite - v. dangerous). I pay all the utility bills. He pays the internet and he SAYS he pays the council tax but he never told them I moved in so basically he's only paying what he would have done and I'm essentially exposed to prosecution for being a vile scammer which I hate. We always argue about money. Yesterday he said I should also really, if I could, pay half the building's insurance and maintenance fee on the flat (I pay these on my own flat, but of course it's let out - at a profit). Its re this last issue I would like your various opinions. As a live-in girlfriend, should I pay things like maintenance charge and building's insurance? It's £450. I'm freelance and work is bad. He's quite well off.

I'm aware this is a rather dry AIBU so I will add that we am 3 months pg with no. 1, age 41, conceived via IVF donor sperm (hereditary reasons) which I paid 9K for myself (no complaints here, money well spent).

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
PaulaMummyKnowsBest · 13/02/2009 12:42

but it should all be split equally percentage wise.

There is no point you both paying exactly half each if it equates to 20% of his salary but 70% of your entire salary. (i hope that makes sense).

Sit down together and both of you work out a figure that you're both happy with and that will cover everything ie you both put 40% of your money into the pot each month.

PuppyMonkey · 13/02/2009 12:45

If it helps at all, my DP is as tight as a gnat's chuff with money, but I've got used to him now and have learned to see it as just a character trait which doesn't stop him being kind, loving, funny and generous in many other ways.

And often if I sit down with him and actually point out how tight he's being, he will see the light and apologise.

A good old talk over a nice cup of tea is obviously in order!

TrillianAstra · 13/02/2009 12:54

A joint account for all bills/food to come out of is a good idea.

Glad you think he'll be a good father

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 13/02/2009 13:10

There is a difference between being tight and not contributing equally to the household finances....

tumtumtetum · 13/02/2009 13:12

Hold on a sec you need to think about this.

Are you keeping all the income from yuor flat separately to this?

Maybe that is why he has got the arse.

If you are going to put all into a pot he will expect the pot to include all your income ie including flat money when calculating who pays what.

You can't say you are earning X and expect to pay proportionately while stashing a load of money elsewhere as it is "separate".

Just thinking - if you do want to keep the flat income separate you need to think carefully about how you will persuade him that is fair and whether if yu end up putting it in you will actually be better off IYSWIM.

elliott · 13/02/2009 13:22

Remember that while you remain unmarried your legal position is very weak. You are self employed so no maternity pay either. Have you discussed what you envisage each other's contribution to the household (labour and money) after you have a baby? Who will be expected to pay for childcare when you start working again? You??
I'm worreid that at the moment you can't even apportion your own basic expenses (food) fairly. Once you have a family, it is really a nonsense to keep finances separate as so much of it is driven by the needs of the child, imo.
There is of course the added complication of the two properties. You are very sensible to keep hold of yours while you are unmarried, as you have absolutely no claim on his.

Original poster
peachyfox · 13/02/2009 13:24

TumTumTum, you are on the nail with the income from the other flat. I initially offered, of my own free will, to share it. But then he was such a bugger about the rest of our money I thought twice.
I've put two offers on the table. Either we merge our money completely as if we were married, into one pot. Or, we each put in equal amounts into a pot, pay for everything joint and each keep our own money.
He wanted the second one. I would have preferred the first.

The only way I will be able to continue putting money into the option 2 pot when we have the baby is if I have an income that doesn't depend on my income. Because interest rates are low, I'm actually making a goodish income on my rented flat, so this could be crucial.

He has mentioned my 'luck' at this other source of income of mine many times but swears he does not want in on it.

All I want is something clearcut so I can relax and not feel hard done by, which frankly right now I do.

He had money problems earlier this year and I paid the mortgage for months, plus loads of other things that came up. During this time I also made sure he didn't have to spend money on anything and he won't even acknowledge this.

God, now I feel like walking out. But my baby needs its dad (and I love the old Bluebeard) so I will follow PuppyMonkey's advice and make him talk to me about it. It may get a bit shouty though...

OP posts:
beanieb · 13/02/2009 13:24

why are you paying all the bills?

Original poster
peachyfox · 13/02/2009 13:36

Thanks everyone

It's hard for us because we are both freelance. I know how much I have earned at the end of the year. But he never really knows because he's a professional gambler (shock horror - really its a technical thing not the gee gees, he doesn't lose any money) which is legally tax free but all complicated in that the £ is in all different places.

When I met him we were months practically bathing in champagne and living off truffles on romantic weekends away.

Why? Why!

OP posts:
tumtumtetum · 13/02/2009 13:39

If I were you i would keep your flat separate, and the income and everything, so you have something to fall back on, live etc if it all goes wrong. I'm sure it won't, but I have a flat too, the one I was in for 10 years before I met DH, and it feels right that it is mine, as my parents helped me pay for it etc etc.

So that to one side.

If, including the income from the flat, your incomes are roughly the same (?) then option 2 is fair and safe. You will need to agree that in addition to the food, bills etc all baby expenses will come out of that when baby comes and if that means increasign how much you both put in that is how it will be.

As you are paying half the mortgage etc at the moment it might be worth seeing what your rights would be if you split up - would he have to pay you back, would you be entitled to half the flat etc as although not married you wll have a child. Not fair that you pay in and it's in his name and he gets it all if you split up.

You need to get on council tax asap - this worries me a lot and you won't be able to vote will you, also when you register the baby etc the authorities will know that you are living there.

You need to get all the bills outgoings etc together, not forgetting annual costs like MOT etc if you share a car and work out how much needs to go in to cover it.

You need to have a think about whether you need/want to do anything formal about the flat you are paying the mortgage towards in case anything happens.

if you approach it dispassionately hopefully he will do the same and you will be able to come to a fair agreement

Original poster
peachyfox · 13/02/2009 13:43

Elliot I just saw your post. I quite agree. I hoping this sorry financial quagmire will end now and we will start a new phase abroad with shared finances. I do believe he is committed to providing for the baby.

The baby! God, I know i have to worry about the practical side of things but I'm so excited my brain keeps plunging into lutual mush and I just want to think prams...

OP posts:
Original poster
peachyfox · 13/02/2009 13:46

TumTumTum,

I wholeheartedly agree re the council tax. But we have just sold the flat and are moving overseas in a couple of weeks. So the baby will be born overseas and when we come home we'll start afresh. The authorities must know where I am anyway because I'm vat registered here. What a useless criminal I would make.

OP posts:
tumtumtetum · 13/02/2009 13:55

Sorry yes got a bit carried away!

You need to make sure that when you get abroad you do start afresh and it doesn't start backsliding into you paying. Keep an eye on things.

Now good luck and enjoy your new overseas excitement and your pregnancy excitement and enjoy

LeQueen · 13/02/2009 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 13/02/2009 14:37

I thini you really need to get some legal advice. You are having this baby via donor sperm and living with a man you are not married to: legally he could walk away and not pay a penny for the baby as he is not the father and not your husband.
I presume he is a poker player (the only ones who can make any kind of living out of gambling as all the rest is totally about chance, not skill and poker demands some kind of skill). But that is a good reason for not pooling your money, most gamblers have unlucky spells and they are a bit likely to throw good money (ie yours) after bad when this happens, so you need some of your income and savings in places where he can't use it to pay off gambling debts.

Original poster
peachyfox · 13/02/2009 14:52

Hi Solidgold,

Ah, fortunately you presume wrong!

My partner absolutely is the legal father of the baby and liable for it in every way including financially. That's what happens with donor sperm IVF, you sign up for treatment together and you are the legal parents, married or not. We didn't get a mate round with a turkey baster! It's regulated by the HFEA and my kind, generous anonymous donor went through a year of unremunerated screening to give us this chance of a baby. He also agrees to meet the child when he or she is 18 if that's their wish. I would hate anyone to think I had done this without making sure our child would be secure.

Now, again, SolidGold, he's not a poker player, perish the thought, but rather a mathematical wizard with an oxford phd to prove it. He does not lose any money. He does not risk any money! You may wonder how and of course I will not tell you! His bad spell was when he changed markets and had to learn about 4 new computer languages and programme a new system before he could start again. Although I probably would have thought the same as you - I do get frustrated when at the word gambler everybody think he's pawning my jewellery!

Even my mother is proud of what he does. And both sets of parents are extremely proud of us for going the IVF donor sperm route which was the only sensible thing to do when dealing with a serious hereditary health issue and definitely not an easy option for either of us.

OP posts:
solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 13/02/2009 16:52

I can believe he doesn't risk his money: he's happy enough for you to subsidise him, isn't he?
FWIW I do think the best way to deal with your problem is to write everything down, do all the sums, and present him with it on paper: some men (generally those who think the domestic work is a woman's job) don't actually consider how much it costs to keep them in food and bogroll and washing-up liquid. Good luck, anyway.

MrsBrendaDyson · 13/02/2009 16:54

i think you should stick your finger up his bum and pronounce " oooh your a tight bastard!"

TheDrunkard2009 · 13/02/2009 17:28

You need to nip this tight arse behaviour in the bud. If he is like this in the early days of your relationship, trust me, he's going to be a nightmare a few years down the line.
Don't allow yourself to be treated as a mug, you deserve better, really you do.

Original poster
peachyfox · 13/02/2009 17:33

Hello!

Solid, I should have specified DP paid back the money I lent him.

Mrs Brenda - OOh, now that is appealing. Get them where it hurts, like your style!

Drunkard - yes, I know.

Can we stop now - I'm really grateful but I don't think I can take any more..

OP posts:
Tamarto · 13/02/2009 17:35

This is AIBU it'll not stop for ages, just hide the thread.

jollyjoanne · 13/02/2009 17:50

Peachy, Whether or not your being resaonable or not probably depends on how much the situation bothers you, in respect of your relationship (all of it - not just the money). I am guessing if you wish to whinge on here it bothers you a bit - but as you wish to have a child with this man it isn't the be all and end all, therefore I suggest it should be something you can talk through and sort. Good luck.

Original poster
peachyfox · 13/02/2009 18:22

Thanks Jolly!

You're right our relationship is pretty good elsewhere - he does make me awfully happy.

Thing is, I'm really lax about money, always have been, spend loads, and up until recently I had the money to do it. Then I paid for IVF. Then my work bombed in the boring old recession. Then the IVF worked (whoo hoo) and suddenly I'm thinking, god, I'm going to depend on him for money.

My half-assed way of looking at it is, pay whatever he wants now, because when the baby's born he's going to have to pay up ten times over. Its the same money coming back the other way isn't it?

He will stay, he's very principled (in that way at least)

OP posts:
BananaSkin · 03/03/2009 22:37

In your last paragraph you say ''we am' 3 months preg', it reads as though you were going to write 'I' and then thought you'd better write 'we' - which sums up your relationship from what you have written ... he doesn't seem to see you as a couple about to have a baby.

When I started reading this, I assumed you were a 16/18 year old, not a 41 year old about to have a baby together. He needs to grow up a bit.

Original poster
peachyfox · 05/03/2009 16:15

No Bananas you is wrong, we is very happy to be having a baby together...

OP posts: