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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to make the mother of my goddaughter the godparent of my ds?

22 replies

psychmajor · 12/02/2009 12:46

I am godparent (in a non religious way) to my friend's baby daughter. I am friend with her dh too so knwo them both, and was really pleased to be asked though I didn't expect it at all. But we are soon getting my ds christened and I have other people in mind to be his godparents, in part because I don;t think this friend would be a good godmother - she has some weird values and drinks too much and I am not sure I was her to be a big influence on the life of my ds. How do I tell her we have chosen other people - do I have to return the godparent favour?

OP posts:
SweetEm · 12/02/2009 12:50

YANBU. I don't think you should have to return the favour.

HSMM · 12/02/2009 12:51

You don't have to return the favour, but .... I have a friend who asked me to be God Mother to her son. When my DD was christened, I chose my siblings for God Parents. She never said anything, but I know she wasn't happy about it. When she had her DD christened, we weren't even invited! Still .... she's coming over for lunch next Friday, so it can't be that bad.

littlelyn · 12/02/2009 12:58

No - if you are intending to take the godparent roles for your ds more religiously then I think you have the basis of your explanation, presuming she has already acknowledged that your godparent role is how you view it.

LouMacca · 12/02/2009 13:02

I don't think you should feel obliged to ask her just because you are her DD godmother.

I have 5 godchildren (1 singleton, 2 sisters and brother/sister). I had twins so luckily was able to ask all the parents to be godparents to one or the other. I asked them because I wanted them and felt that my siblings would be a big part of my children's life anyway as their aunties and uncles.

My children love their godparents (they are all good family friends who we see often) but they are definitely not a big influence on my childrens life.

babymt · 12/02/2009 13:10

This has made me have a good think because my friend had her 2nd baby in October and I kinda assumed she'd ask me to be godmother but nothing came of it although she hasn't had a christening yet. Anyway I'm pg with no3 and have already asked her to be godmother. She was always in our mind as godmother for this one and I like to ask godparents before baby is born...its just how I like to do it. Have done with all other godparents. But still nothing in return.

I do feel a bit put out tbh. And a bit insulted but not hugely surprised, just a bit disappointed.

So can't really decide if YABU or not really. I'm leaning more towards YANBU especially as you already have others in mind.

kitbit · 12/02/2009 13:17

YANBU but it's a sensitive one! Can you tell her that you have a longstanding agreement of some years with the other people and you are sorry as of COURSE you would have chosen her otherwise, but you hope she understands?

SweetEm · 12/02/2009 13:57

I am interested, actually, to know what you mean by "I am godparent (in a non religious way)".

When I had my dcs christened, the godparents had to be both baptised and confirmed, so how can you be a godparent in a non-religious way? So, we couldn't ask dh's best-friend, although we would have liked to, as he is not baptised.

Not being confrontational, just interested.

alicet · 12/02/2009 13:59

I don't think you have to return the favour but I can understand why you feel awkward and can understand she might be upset.

The problem with doing as kitbit suggests is that then if you have another dc she will expect to be asked then!

Think of a good reason why you have not asked her that will not upset her. Are you asking family members? Or people who are religious (if she is not)? Or anything similar? Then you will have your easy excuse that will still hold next time.

Or don't mention it if that is easier. I wouldn't tell her the reason you have said in your op!!!

MrsBadger · 12/02/2009 14:07

actually I am interested in the same thing as Swedes.

I always saw godparents as a way to involve non-family people in your dc's life, so aunts etc wouldn;t normally get asked.

However recently I was asked to be godmother to my niece as their vicar was hot on the baptism/confirmation thing (though obviously not too hot as he didn't seem to mind I was baptised and confirmed in a different denomination) and I was one of the few people they knew who fitted the bill.
Which was a bit of a double-edged compliment really.

BalloonSlayer · 12/02/2009 14:08

Can you have her as well as the ones you want?

If it's C of E you normally have 2 of the same sex as the child and one the opposite sex. Catholics normally have one of each though.

If you are C of E you may find the Vicar won't mind an extra one.

Or, failing that, as it is a boy being christened could you use it as an excuse as to not have her, because you need more male godparents?

BalloonSlayer · 12/02/2009 14:08

Sorry "your son" being christened, not "a boy" - that sounds really impersonal.

Apologies. Have headache.

alittlebitshy · 12/02/2009 14:20

Can I just say that techincally you don't have to be confirmed to be a god-parent, but you do need to have been baptised! scroll down if not immediately obvious

Just to clear up confusing information

alittlebitshy · 12/02/2009 14:21

scroll up, even

kitsmummy · 12/02/2009 14:22

sorry to hijack this but could someone confirm godparent etiquette? I thought it was usual to have a family member, generally child's aunt or uncle as a godparent, but DH thinks the exact opposite, he thinks that it's really weird to have family members, who is right on this? ta

alittlebitshy · 12/02/2009 14:28

no official ettiquette.
We personally have chosen 6 totally un related godparents for each of our dc. We made a conscious decision to not have an aunt/cousin etc. imo they will (hopefully)always be in the child's life, so unless they were the best choice, spritually, I wouldn't -especially if you have plenty of other ppl in mind.

littlelyn · 12/02/2009 14:34

kitsmummy - the godparents in our family circle are all non-family members - longstanding and close friends respected for their values who will enrich, guide and protect the lifes of their godchildren. Family members would surely fulfill this role regardless of whether they are their godparent or not?

CaurnieBred · 12/02/2009 14:34

You can have a civil ceremony these days - you aren't a "godparent", but a "responsible adult" - but it is much easier to say godparent and people know what you mean.

alittlebitshy · 12/02/2009 14:37

littlelyn you prhrases that how i meant it. thanks

kitsmummy · 12/02/2009 16:28

thanks littllyn and a littlebitshy, that's interesting to know and help me with our choices

Original poster
psychmajor · 13/02/2009 17:52

Hi,

Sorry for radio silence - found it hard to get online for a bit.

My 'goddaughter' had a humanist naming ceremony so I am the godparent but not in a church -but I had to promise to look after her and be her godparent equivalent.

Our son is being christened in a church but the vicar is very flexible and easy going on who we choose. Really I'd like my friend who is Jewish but she can't do it in the church (would find it uncomfortable) and the vicar is flexible but not that flexible! So she will be a special 'auntie'.

We have other friends we'd like to ask though rather than the mother of my goddaughter. And they are not religious so can't tell her that is why.

OP posts:
minesacheeseandpicklesandwich · 13/02/2009 18:55

alittlebitshy - I'm a godmother twice over and I've never been christened, baptised or any thing like that!

alittlebitshy · 13/02/2009 20:03

well that's obviously not your fault - the priest should check. Though my dh (a vicar) has been known to forget to check .

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