Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking that there might be something 'wrong' with this girl (bit long)

63 replies

mamas12 · 09/02/2009 22:20

A family member, is 11 in June and will be going to secondary school in sept. Now tell me if I abu but she cannot/ is not able to do anything for herself yet. Let me clarify, she is acting and being treated (maybe that's the problem) like a toddler with regards to still cutting up her food for her getting her drinks opening things for her, she is always spilling her drinks and various other random liquids by accident and still makes a mess just like a toddler would.
She doesn't speak when asked a simple question i.e. would you like sqaush or coke? either her sister or her mother answers for her.
Now are my expectaions too high or what?
She also imo is a bit slow in following conversations and is always butting demanding an update because she was 'in her own world' and she gets it as she is insistant about it.
Would I bu by suggesting to her mother that maybe she is not ready to move up to high school yet and to let her do year 6 again as I think she will benefit so much because as a june child she will still be in her age range.
Does this sound like anyone you know?

OP posts:
Twims · 09/02/2009 22:23

TBH I wouldn't get involved - but it does sound like the girl needs some independence of some sort.

StewieGriffinsMom · 09/02/2009 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cornsilk · 09/02/2009 22:28

Keep well out of it.

piscesmoon · 09/02/2009 22:30

I don't think that the school would keep her back. It sounds as if secondary school will be good for her and get her away from her mother more. I agree with Stewie-she won't be the only one! I should leave well alone.

PlumBumMum · 09/02/2009 22:30

I wouldn't say anything

Original poster
mamas12 · 09/02/2009 22:32

Stewi Really! I suppose you are right about the school being able to pick it up but it's so frustrating. I'm sure she knows I'm a dragon asking her to not drink anything while shes sitting the sofa as she will spill it and to actually answer me in a conversation. Im just baffled on how to deal with an 11yr old toddler.

OP posts:
MillyR · 09/02/2009 22:33

It does sound a little bit like my ds. I do get his drinks for him, he does tend to be off in his own world and miss conversation and is prone to spilling and dropping things.

He does tend to come home from school with yoghurt spilt on his clothes and I know that he misses instructions that the rest of the class have presumably heard.

None of this has anything to with his academic capabilities, so I can't see that it will matter much at secondary school. If he misses his instructions he'll no doubt get into trouble. I suspect he will always be clumsy. But, none of us are perfect.

Original poster
mamas12 · 09/02/2009 22:34

Yes perhaps to get away from her mum doing everything for her, I think they are infantalising her really.
My dc were saying they couldn't imagine her being able to go to the canteen in the school on her own so she'll starve.

OP posts:
cornsilk · 09/02/2009 22:37

Why are you discussing her in this way with your own dc? I think you are being quite judgemental about her mother actually - are you sure that she doesn't have SEN?

Original poster
mamas12 · 09/02/2009 22:38

Millyr It's not clumsyness my dd is clumsy (another thread)it's a kind of thoughtlessness and unawareness and writing this down has probably made me think that it would get better with independance, at school and from her mother. Oh well it's so easy to 'fix' other peoples kids isn't it. Wonder what poeple think of mine (!)

OP posts:
beanieb · 09/02/2009 22:38

I don't think I understand why you think she should go back a year. How close are you to this child?

Original poster
mamas12 · 09/02/2009 22:42

Cornsilk my dc brought it up! I haven't put her down in front of them but just tried to say she is a little clumsy. I always include her in decision making away from her mum, but she just leans on my dc.
Not sure she has SEN thats why Im posting to see if anyone can shed light on this or I'm just judgemental.

OP posts:
Original poster
mamas12 · 09/02/2009 22:42

beinie my niece

OP posts:
cornsilk · 09/02/2009 22:43

mamas it sounds to me that you have a problem with her mum.

MillyR · 09/02/2009 22:44

Mamas12, I think it is perfectly reasonable that if she is in your house you should be able to say that you don't want her to drink on your sofa. I also think if she is a guest in your house then she should engage in conversation.

I think it is not as much what she is like that is the issue, as what she is like in your house. By 10 children should really be able to distinguish between how they behave at home and manners needed for being a guest of others or in a public space.

How she behaves when she is not in your house is an issue to be left well alone, as I suspect raising it will lead to bad feeling.

StewieGriffinsMom · 09/02/2009 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

chipmonkey · 09/02/2009 22:51

mamas12, this sounds like my ds2 who has dyspraxia and I suspect might have a bit of AS as well but this has not been diagnosed.
I don't discuss it with, for example MIL, as somehow she will manage to get all judgmental and make it sound as if it is my bad parenting that has caused it. As it happens I am a good parent.
Does that answer any questions?

Original poster
mamas12 · 09/02/2009 22:51

Okay I will keep out of it I was just trying to help but I see that it won't really be helpful to suggest that. It's just that when she comes round I expect all the kids to do the same and if everyone else is expected to pick up after her I don't get it.
If she has and SEN then she should learn these things for her independence and if she hasn't she should be pulling her weight shouldn't she.
Maybe It's something to do with different parenting but her older dd is ok.
She is like this at home too.

OP posts:
Original poster
mamas12 · 09/02/2009 22:55

chipmonkey Thankyou dispraxia did cross my mind but I don't know much about it is there somewhere I could look it up.
Stewiemum I don't discuss concerns with my dc they talk about her with me and I have to deflect, it's that noticable.

OP posts:
Original poster
mamas12 · 09/02/2009 23:00

My nephew not in same family as this niece has AS so am familiar with that but this is so physical.
Stewiemom I've witnessed those kind of parents too, and they have told their dcs that they are crying for them going away!

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 10/02/2009 09:56

"The hysteria of the parents alone made me want to screech. Along the lines of " I have been crying every night for 3 weeks because the children are going away for 4 nights".

Some DCs get such a handicap in life when they have to manage parents like that!!
It would be nice to think that you were exaggerating but I have come across them too.

StewieGriffinsMom · 10/02/2009 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TotalChaos · 10/02/2009 10:35

sounds like possible SEN - and possibly even some sort of problem with language (even if vocab and understanding are OK it's possible to have more subtle problems with responding at the right place in conversations etc). LEAs are often very unwilling for pupils to go down a year, so I don't think there is any point at all suggesting it. Btw DS's SALT said to me that for kids with language/organisation problems Secondary school can be easier in some ways than primary, as there is a clear division between subjects etc for each lesson.

Original poster
mamas12 · 10/02/2009 11:33

Thank you for all your input mners
The mother thinks she is a special 'crystal' child sent here for a purpose. I'm not taking the piss I like her mother she is a lovely woman. But it's me, I want to help her to help herself in life.
Oh well I am much reassured on schools spotting this now and her mother is aware of something.

OP posts:
MillyR · 10/02/2009 11:38

ROFL.

What purpose? To ruin your sofa?

I wonder what her siblings make of it. I'm not sure if it is worse to grow up as the crystal child with purpose or the not-special sibling with no purpose