in thinking that there might be something 'wrong' with this girl (bit long)

[mamas12]

A family member, is 11 in June and will be going to secondary school in sept. Now tell me if I abu but she cannot/ is not able to do anything for herself yet. Let me clarify, she is acting and being treated (maybe that's the problem) like a toddler with regards to still cutting up her food for her getting her drinks opening things for her, she is always spilling her drinks and various other random liquids by accident and still makes a mess just like a toddler would.
She doesn't speak when asked a simple question i.e. would you like sqaush or coke? either her sister or her mother answers for her.
Now are my expectaions too high or what?
She also imo is a bit slow in following conversations and is always butting demanding an update because she was 'in her own world' and she gets it as she is insistant about it.
Would I bu by suggesting to her mother that maybe she is not ready to move up to high school yet and to let her do year 6 again as I think she will benefit so much because as a june child she will still be in her age range.
Does this sound like anyone you know?

And spill a full pint of double cream over everything in the fridge from the top shelf down to the drawers etc.etc.etc. Aaaaw I know they are lovely girls just it's excruitiating to see how this family dynamic is all about the little one and not helping her the way I think she needs it - to enable her to look after herself. School I think will now be her salvation (a bit strong)Oh the ruined furniture! As I haven't mentioned before she still poops her pants sometimes.!!!

Sounds a bit like my 8yo dd who has dyspraxia - she has her 'own little world' as you describe and spills stuff all the time etc, but she does also have a lot more independence than that. Hard to know what to do really, the parents and the school should be picking up on it, if you intervened might be seen as poking your nose in...depends on the relationship you have with her parents really.

Sounds like my Dd she has dyspraxia and is forever spilling ,dropping and losing things .
She is very clumsy and can sometimes find it hard to follow conversations .

mamas12 - you don't really sound like you want to help, but rather that you want to offload your uncharitable thoughts about her. Your posts sound quite rude and spiteful to me.

MHD and CWWM So how can I help her or speak to her so she is included? What do you /have been advised to do? What makes your dc feel good about themselves?

She sounds a lot like me at that age, though I was more verbal and could usually reply myself if I wanted a drink. However, if an adult was to ask me a more complicated question I would direct the reply through my mum, ie I would turn to my mum and answer her, even thouhg I meant the reply to be for the other adult. I'm Aspergers, but of course that doesn't mean this applies to this lass you know.

Sobraniecocktail
Do they? Exhasperation I think because I just don't know how to help. This is why I've posted on here because to speak to anyone in rl who may also know the family could come accross as a bit ?? I thought I could get some unbiased feed back.

She has a sister who you think is fine, which points to her parents and their parenting being fine also.

Maybe you'd be better off just accepting the girl for who she is, and adapting to it.

My baby sister was quite like this - I was much older and it did drive me mad. I remember she would half-eat an apple then just let it drop, where she sat, when she'd had enough. And she would walk around with her tights slipped down to her knees and the tongues of her shoes accidentally folded down inside the shoe - and not notice! I think it was a combination of my mum treating her like a baby and her natural spaced out personality. As an adult she's fine, has a job etc, a degree, a relationship and is happy. She still can't reply to an email or catch a train though - it's just how she is.

I actually wouldn't interfere or say anything as it will just make you look bad. She'll probably be fine, and if not, someone professional will notice.

Monkeytrousers (love that name) Yes do you know what, I will stop posting now and accept her for who she is and just believe in the system to work for her. It's good to get other points of view on here. I think maybe she could be a little dispraxic, so maybe that explains it. Will do a little research on it myself.
Thank you all for your contributions.

Monnkeytrousers has it on the nail I think, it's about accepting her for who she is. I can't make my dd be somebody else, I can't make her into a neat and tidy, organised calm little person, because it's not who she is. So how I help her feel good about herself is praising her for who she is and the qualities she has, and telling her that I am glad she is her. I have to be more patient about stuff like losing, spilling etc than I perhaps would be with other 8yos, but that comes with practise and a lot of it is just ignoring, or saying oh dear, pop and get some kitchen roll, rather than making big deals out of things. I did lose it a little the other week when she lost her brand new coat, but it turned up the next week in the reception lost property box, and we all had a laugh about it - she knows she's dippy, and if we are light hearted and humourous about it all it makes it so much easier.
I'd say tho that giving independence in such things as getting drinks is v important - I let her get drinks and take them to the sofa, despite the fact I know she may spill them - she's got to be allowed to do this, and I have to show faith in her. So we just clean it up and carry on. But I will not do things for her - she'll feel then I don't trust her, and surely that would make things worse.
hth a bit

Stewie, we have parents like those you describe at our school too. Dd went on a 2 night trip fairly locally in Yr 6 and some parents went to visit their dc after the first night.
Unsurprisingly their dc didn't want to stay the second night as they watched their parents (with brothers and sisters) go off again, thinking their whole family was "having fun" without them - how bonkers was that

Thankyou MHD thats v. helpful.

She sounds a lot like my DS2 (10), apart from the not speaking bit. He is Dyspraxic.

Unless it's a very close family member, like a niece, I would butt out. It's certainly not up to you to suggest she repeats Year 6 - that's between the school and her parents.

i cant believe some of op's posts. this is a member of your family!!

why are you trying to blame what is possibly just her personality (shy, clumsy) on her having any problems or issues.

these issues you have with the child are nothing to do with her mental/academic abailities. therefore is no reason why she should be kept back a year.

i am not suprised you are posting this on here instead of discussing it in RL with anyone else. i think your aware YABU. and you should be very you even have these thoughts about a member of your family that you claim to care about.

just hope you keep these thoughts to yourself.if this girl does have any genuine problems then the professionals will pick up on it.

Are you sure she doesn't have hearing/ear problems? A childhood friend of mine always seemed away with the fairies and uncommunicative, but it turned out she had inner ear problems. This accounted for her clumsiness as well. She had grommets put in and her problems sorted themselves out very quickly.
Secondary school is the ideal place to learn a bit of independence, as everyone else has said. If this child were my relative, I would insist on questions being answered/efforts made not to spill stuff on my furniture, but I'm not sure there's any way to discuss this with the mother without causing a huge scene.

I'm not sure the professionals would pick it up- they didn't my sona nd its not that uncommon for things to be missed.

I'd keep my aeats and eyes open, look up dysprxia as you say you will (hardly unsupportive- why the flaming?) and if ti sounds like the girl see if there is any way you might raise it.

being kept back a year is exceedingly arre and LEA's rarely allow it

I think it sounds like dyspraxia which can affect both motor skills ( clumsey) and verbal skills. dyspraxia can also be linked to ASD which wpould make child unaware that they were doing anything 'odd'.

The thing you are doing though is puttingthe cart before the horse - you are looking for blame within the family for babying a child when it may be thatthis child really struggles and the family anticipate and provide help ( like cutting food).

My DS2 is 12 and still cannot cut his food ( ASD and some dyspraxia). I strongly suapect that if you saw us in a cafe you would be identifying me as a mum who is babying her child but he cannot do it and asking him to is just incredibly frustrating/distressing for him

Of course what I am saying maybe very wide of the mark - this child may have no issues at all and just lack independence.
But it might be best to mind your own business and give the family the benefit of the doubt. Very few parents enjoy all the extra work of babying a child. I certainly wish my son could do more for himself. It is hard work.

elmoandella you sound quite defensive.
Thankyou peachy
Her present school says she is about 13months behind everyone else in her year that's why I'm asking for opinons here. I know if I raise it in rl it will be hard that is why I would prefer to be informed before or IF I say anything.
Thesmallclanger didn't thinkof hearing will keep an eye out for that.
btw sge has a nice personality

My DD 11 is incredibly clumsy as well and has the most awful handwriting and appears to have a don't care attitude. It is exasperating but there is very little you can do about it other than limit the amount of damage they can do. I would much rather open bottles and poor drinks for her because I know it will end up all over the table. She is very independent and I don't baby her but we do need a bit of damage limitation
She has terrible handwriting as well to the point that it has been unreadable, but she every teacher has told me is very very bright.Her current teacher tells me she has no concerns at all about her being ready for secondary. As previous poster says being clumsy has no bearing whatsoever on mental/ accademic capacity
I would also point out at that girls at that age can have huge growth spurts at this age which makes it difficult to judge picking things as their arms may suddenly be an inch longer etc

Thankyou pagwatch that explains a lot in the family. Because I didn't know anything else the only thing I could think of was babying but really the way you say it it is enabling isn't it.
Yes have decided to not say anything as if it is that noticable it would be picked by a professional .

dyspraxia

Some interesting perspectives on this thread.

My DS1 is un-coordinated, and his personal organisation is a nightmare. DH is very similar.

When I have mentioned it to teachers they have tended to say "Oh, he's just a boy," as if clumsiness, vagueness, forgetfulness, and OK-I've-lost-a-library-book-but-why's-that-my-problem-ness, are all part and parcel of owning a pair of testicles.

DS1 is very good academically and so I think his teachers will put up with more disorganisation from him due to "absent-minded professor syndrome."

However, secondary school is going to be a different matter:
Lose your homework - detention.
Lose your lunchbox - no lunch.
Lose your pencil case - have to buy a pen from head of year.
Lose your school jumper - get cold as uniform shop hardly ever open.
Come in late for lessons habitually - detention.
Forget books - detention.

I do worry. "Silly me, what am I like?" will only do for a few years.

At the moment I am encouraging him to know his strengths and limitations. I say that he is clever but as he is a bit forgetful he should make lists. As he is a likely to drop things, he should carry a bag to school rather than trying to carry everything in his hands. It's excruciatingly slow progress, but I have to try as, although I accept how he is, I'm sorry to say, children do not get accepted for what they are in secondary school, and it worries me sick.

'DS1 is very good academically and so I think his teachers will put up with more disorganisation from him due to "absent-minded professor syndrome."'

Have you thought about demanding a meeting with SENCO?

Just.... you say you have had worries,a re you aware that Paeds are told to take that as a red flag statement (Absent Minded / little prrofessor) fopr AS and dyspraxia?

TRead the link I gave perhaps?

Sorry, I ahted posting that as I know it will worry you but I'd have felt awful if I hadn;t, given the rather draconian measures you listed for stereotypical dyspraxic behaviours