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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my HV to concentrate on my DS and NOT my DD who died two years ago?

51 replies

chegirl · 04/02/2009 22:18

(Deep breath). This is my first thread and I know how these can go but I am a bit fecked off after taking DS3 to the clinic today.

I used to have a fab HV. She was brilliant but she has gone on Mat Leave. I got DS3 weighed today and stopped for a chat with HV. She did her thing and then asked me about my other children, their ages etc. I did my usual one is ... one is... and my daughter would be... but we lost her a little while ago.

She said. WHAT? What do you mean? What happened.
I told her she had luekemia.
Oh so couldnt they treat her?
Yes but it didnt work.
So tell me, how did you KNOW she had it?
What do you mean?
Well what was wrong? How could you tell?
I was pretty taken aback because its not a time I like to think about. DD was in considerable pain for quite a long time before diagnosis. I mumbled something about pain and headaches and got up to go.

Then she said. I bet you are REALLY worried about your others now arnt you?
Sorry?
Well I bet you really worry about your other children.In case they get it too.

Yeah thanks for that. Great visit. Really helped, cheers.

OP posts:
2shoesformyvalentine · 04/02/2009 22:19

bloody hell what a insensitive woman.
I get this a lot, asked about dd's birth(she has CP)

MarlaSinger · 04/02/2009 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spicemonster · 04/02/2009 22:20

No YANBU. That's awful. I'm so sorry. I'm really shocked and don't quite know what to say. Never ever see her again.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 04/02/2009 22:21

Of course you are not being unreasonable. I can't believe anyone in her position could be so insensitive. I feel so for you to have to take part in that conversation.

ihavenewsockson · 04/02/2009 22:21

oh chegirl.
how tactless of her.
sounds like a case of opening her mouth before thinking.
bet she's at home now cringing.

so sorry about your DD.

how is DS doing, how old is he?

Ewe · 04/02/2009 22:21

YANBU, what an insensitive woman, how horrible for you.

BitOfSexyFun · 04/02/2009 22:22

[boggle]

Letter to practice manager suggesting some people skills training?

edam · 04/02/2009 22:23

Wow. I think she should demand her money back from the charm school, that's for sure! What on earth was she thinking?

(It would be encouraging in a strange way if you discovered she was one of those people who just pretends to be a doctor or nurse and gets away with it for a while. Sadly suspect she is just an appallingly stupid woman who somehow did manage to qualify.)

Ronaldinhio · 04/02/2009 22:24

yanbu she sounds like a tit, I'm sorry that you had to deal with her.

Trying to be kindly perhaps she was panicked and taken aback and thought she's try to learn from it so that she might be able to keep an eye out for it...?
She handled it really wrongly though either way

BitOfSexyFun · 04/02/2009 22:24

Like the theory, edam!

Hassled · 04/02/2009 22:25

Complain if you have the strength - if not just make damn sure you never have to see her again. That's just horrendous - you shouldn't have to have put up with that.

bangandthedirtisgone · 04/02/2009 22:26

I'm so sorry for you

My most charitable thought is that she wanted to know the symptoms in case any of her patients present with them.

But really that is no excuse, so not acceptable and I'm terribly sorry to hear about your DD.

Original poster
chegirl · 04/02/2009 22:28

Thank you and I have been laughing at some of your replies (in a good way) so thats cheered me up!

Ihavenewsocks He is doing fine thanks. He is 13mths. He is the IMAGE of his big sis and very like her (maybe thats why HV kept calling him, her )

Of course losing my girl does affect the way I feel about illness but its far more complicated than worrying whether they will get cancer. My big problem is that one of them does get ill I go into luekemia mode. I seem to have forgotten how to treat a 'well' poorly child IYSWIM.

OP posts:
AbricotsSecs · 04/02/2009 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pannetone · 04/02/2009 22:30

YANBU. And congratulations on the arrival of your DS3. Saw your daughter on your profile - she is beautiful. Hoping you can hold on to all those wonderful memories you must have of her - despite crass comments and probing from professionals who should know much better.

onadietcokebreak · 04/02/2009 22:30

How she responsed is terrible. If you can find the strength to complain please do as she really does need some kind of training in how to handle this situation better.

Big hugs to you and your family, you could do without people like this upseting you,

Original poster
chegirl · 04/02/2009 22:30

She was an agency HV btw. I am not even sure who the hell i would complain to. The clinic is not at GP. Can I be bothered? Its not the worse thing someone has said since my girly died.

Anyway are HVs not qualified nurses? Dont they know about stuff like that?

OP posts:
pannetone · 04/02/2009 22:32

DS3 was only 4 months on your profile - belated congratulations!

JackBauer · 04/02/2009 22:33

Well obviously YANBU, what an insensitive cow.
I would mention it to the practise and explain why you don't want to see her again.

bangandthedirtisgone · 04/02/2009 22:34

Oh goodness she is beautiful.

On a totally different scale, but similarly blunt, my previous DP was infertile due to cancer treatment. It wasn't an issue in our relationship (I was early 20s and didn't want kids at the time).

Anyway, I had an appt with the practice nursse when I joined the GPs. I had listed that I was in a live-in hetrosexual relationship, she asked if I used contraception. I replied no, my partner was infertile.

She wanted to know why, was it a vasectomy, what kind of cancer, what kind of treatment.

Very rude.

But nothing compared to your HV.

AnyFuckerForAShiteSoppyCard · 04/02/2009 22:35

welcome to MN chegirl

that HV sounded scarily persistent and really not picking up on the fact she was being inappropriate

the picture of your daughter on your profile is beautiful

edam · 04/02/2009 22:36

Yes, HVs are qualified nurses. I'd complain to the Primary Care Trust (if you are in England) - they provide community health services. Whoever books this temp needs to know not to book her again!

Original poster
chegirl · 04/02/2009 22:36

Oops better update my profile

I live in a pretty deprived part of london. A lot of my friends (who are mostly a good few years younger) would not dream of seeing a HV. There is a lot of distrust and antipathy (right word?) towards them round here.

Its a real shame but frankly I am beginning to see why. Since my HV left I havnt had a very good experience with them.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAShiteSoppyCard · 04/02/2009 22:41

my HV tried to convince me I had PND

I didn't

I think she just had a quota to fill

"yep, thats my quota of depressed new mums for this week......(licks end of pencil)...."

BitOfsexyFunbutnotupthebum · 04/02/2009 22:44

Your daughter looks just beautiful, I do agree. Sorry again you had to take that stupid insensitive bint's comments

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