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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my HV to concentrate on my DS and NOT my DD who died two years ago?

51 replies

chegirl · 04/02/2009 22:18

(Deep breath). This is my first thread and I know how these can go but I am a bit fecked off after taking DS3 to the clinic today.

I used to have a fab HV. She was brilliant but she has gone on Mat Leave. I got DS3 weighed today and stopped for a chat with HV. She did her thing and then asked me about my other children, their ages etc. I did my usual one is ... one is... and my daughter would be... but we lost her a little while ago.

She said. WHAT? What do you mean? What happened.
I told her she had luekemia.
Oh so couldnt they treat her?
Yes but it didnt work.
So tell me, how did you KNOW she had it?
What do you mean?
Well what was wrong? How could you tell?
I was pretty taken aback because its not a time I like to think about. DD was in considerable pain for quite a long time before diagnosis. I mumbled something about pain and headaches and got up to go.

Then she said. I bet you are REALLY worried about your others now arnt you?
Sorry?
Well I bet you really worry about your other children.In case they get it too.

Yeah thanks for that. Great visit. Really helped, cheers.

OP posts:
hellymelly · 04/02/2009 22:45

How horrible and how rude and thoughtless to the point of being callous.I am saddened that you had this and I would complain if you can bear to.Your daughter is utterly beautiful in that lovely picture,I am so sorry that you have lost her.

QS · 04/02/2009 22:46

That was horrible, sorry you had to go through that.

Do you think she had her own child she was worried about regards leukemia?

(Not that this is an excuse)

serin · 04/02/2009 22:48

Mine once asked me what skin care routine I was using, because I had a fair amount of fine lines for someone of my age!!!!

Keep away from her Chegirl and welcome to Mumsnet!

Original poster
chegirl · 04/02/2009 22:49

Thanks. Yes she is beautiful. Totally. I love that picture. Although she had been ill for over a year when it was taken. She was bloody amazing that girl.

IF my old HV was around I could have a little chat with her but I dont think I am up to a full scale complaintathon. Ironically I love a good complaint. Its almost a hobby . But thats when I have been badly treated in a shop or the bank has peed me off. This is all a bit more difficult.

This thread has cheered me up no end though. I love the way you can be really rude on MNs! Dont hold back

People quite often say stupid things when you lose a child. I am not the soppy, sappy type and it takes quite a lot to wind me up. I generally let things pass. It rakes stuff up when you start going on about things.

Its nice to have a rant though.

OP posts:
funnypeculiar · 04/02/2009 22:49

Well, you were lucky in having a fab hv to start with - just greedy to expect to get two of them
Sorry you had to deal with her thoughtlessness, chegirl. And your ds must be very yummy if he is as good looking as his sister

Dropdeadfred · 04/02/2009 22:50

what a gorgeous picture chegirl, she was beautiful, really beautifu. When i saw her year of birth I welled up..same year as my dd1. It made me feel very humble.
I'm so sorry that hv upset you.

edam · 04/02/2009 22:53

Oh, chegirl, she is really beautiful. Very striking.

Original poster
chegirl · 04/02/2009 23:00

She really was. She had very bright blue eyes (all my birth kids have them). People used to come up to me in the street and tell me how beautiful she was. I am really not so it was all so new and wonderful for me.

She was pretty extraordinary. I she sort of radiated calm. This seemed to get more intense as she got sicker.

When she knew she was terminal she asked to speak to the drs and nurses on the ward before she went home. She thanked them all for looking after her. She was 14 FFS! 14 and she was thanking them and telling them not to worry about her.

It wasnt a soppy sort of true movies type thing. She really meant it.

My girl.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 04/02/2009 23:02

Oh Chegirl

AnyFuckerForAShiteSoppyCard · 04/02/2009 23:02

so che, now you have got over that "difficult first MN post" are you going to stick around ??

Original poster
chegirl · 04/02/2009 23:10

Yes Anyfucker I might do that. I have posted v.occasionally but this is my first thread. I like MN. It can be brutal but its very funny and intelligent. Bit scarey sometimes though.

OP posts:
coolbeans · 04/02/2009 23:16

Your HV is a fool of the highest order, and if you can stand to make a complaint, then you should, as it might mean that she gets some sort of training and doesn't do it again. Sorry you had to deal with her ineptitude.

Your girl is beautiful. Truly gorgeous.

laumiere · 04/02/2009 23:32

What is it about HVs? My son was born 9 weeks prem and my HV thought it would be a good idea to say to me (after 3 weeks running to and from the hospital, struggling with BF and just diagnosed with PND), 'oh we could always take the baby away for a few days'.

I refused to see her again and won't see an HV with my DS2 when he arrives, have arranged to see the GP instead.

lisalisa · 04/02/2009 23:45

chegirl - i am so sorry about your darling daughter - she is very beautiful in that photo.

brimfull · 04/02/2009 23:45

chegirl-the HV is an idiot.

Sorry you lost your beautiful dd. I can't imagine.

macdoodle · 05/02/2009 00:08

chegirl - very insensitive - if you are not up to a full complaint you could just have a word ......
Your DD is striking , beautiful and the way you write about her is too

RiaParkinson · 05/02/2009 00:16

silly hv should have more about her..they can be so insensitive

Your dd is so beautiful and of course you ARE she is 50 % you!

dilemma456 · 05/02/2009 06:52

Message withdrawn

AnyFuckerForAShiteSoppyCard · 05/02/2009 07:07
Shock
travellingwilbury · 05/02/2009 07:18

Chegirl she really does sound like a pillock . It is one of my biggest annoyances about health proffesionals . When I was pregnant after we lost our son the dr and the midwife both put very noticeable signs on my notes (on the front so they didn't even have to open the bloody thing ) telling people what had happened . I think in the whole of my pregnancy and stay in hospital after the birth only one person noticed . Everyone else without exception just did the inane "Is this your first then ?"

Having to explain what had happened is hard enough but when people are just too lazy to read notes it really peed me off .

I have mentioned it to the drs and hospitals round here but I doubt much has changed .

Anyway sorry rant over

Back to you

LucyEllensmummy · 05/02/2009 07:26

welcome to mumsnet chegirl. You will find lots of lovely people on this site and lots of support. I second the others who have said report her, WTF - I would ask to transfer to another HV if that is possible. Mine was a patronising old bint, so i simply didn't go to see her, I went to see another one who I got on with.

JollyPirate · 05/02/2009 07:50

Hello chegirl - I am a HV too and as everyone else has said on this thread - this woman was utterly insensitive and stupid. I am so sorry you had to go through that - it's completely awful. All I could think when I was reading her comments to you was "what a stupid thing to say". and that it came from a HV who should absolutely have known better.

If you feel up to it then it's worth discussing it with her or making a complaint to her manager.

Hope your proper HV is coming back - if she's great then we need more like her - not silly insensitive women like the one you currently have.

Original poster
chegirl · 05/02/2009 13:43

Hi again.

Thank you for your lovely comments. It does help a lot. Its so great to be able to have a vent. Much more than I ever imagined

Delimma What can I say? That was really, really bad, much worse I think. I am sorry you had to put up with such an idiot. Not only was he too lazy to bother looking at your notes but he breaks the news of a possible problem like that!

TravellingW Sorry about your crap experience. I thought the whole point of those stickers was to prevent that sort of stupid question. I also got asked 'is this your first' a lot when I was pg with DS3. Because I said no, my 4th people were pretty interested (I suppose 4 kids is quite a lot). I would then have to tell them their ages, sexes etc. Of course that meant a lot of explaining about my girl. Then they would look at me as if I had ruined THEIR day.

Honestly, thanks to all of you for your comments and sharing your stories. I am a bit crap at replying to everyone but thanks.

I dont hate all HVs honest. My daughter's old one actually came and visted her in hospital. She heard from one of the SHOs who was now working in the community. She bought her a card and a lovely purse from accessorize. Now THAT is a good HV.

OP posts:
pinkypanther · 05/02/2009 17:03

I'm so sorry chegirl. Your daughter is beautiful.

If it helps I'm sure the HV wasn't being malicious in any way, she is probably lucky enough not to have experience of losing someone.

I was in hospital yesterday to have an ERPC, and the person preparing me for theatre asked me if I had a family - no - I don't - tried to conceive for a year and you're about to remove what we hoped and dreamed would be our first child.

Felt like howling then and there, but I know she didn't meant to upset me. People just don't think.

loobeylou · 05/02/2009 17:12

chegirl, so sorry about your loss, you must be very proud of your daughter and the way she handled her illness with such courage and maturity

The HV needs reporting, her next "victim" might not be as strong as you, she could do some real harm

hugs to you