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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be slightly losing sympathy with friend TTC

57 replies

elportodelgato · 04/02/2009 10:05

I have just read the TTC thread - have been totally guilty of saying "just relax and it will happen" and feel very about it.

However, I'd like your ideas about what to do about this. I have a friend who has been TTC now for over a year - she is completely obsessed with it (understandable), has read all the pregnancy and baby books already, knows far more about pg and babies than I do (I have a DC) and in fact more than anyone I know. Every month seems to be a great trial for her of will she / won't she be pg and I feel terrible on her behalf and want to be as supportive as possible.

The thing is that there is one key thing she could do to really help with her fertility which is that she needs to lose quite a lot of weight, but she won't do anything about it. I feel that her chances of getting pg would be so greatly improved if she were even a stone lighter. She seems to know this but not be prepared to change her lifestyle and start exercising / dieting. I feel that if she focused on getting healthy she would have something to take her mind off the TTC and would feel all-round much better, and then could think again about TTC in a few months when she might be more ready. In the meantime, it's hard to deal with that she gets so upset and yet won't do a really obvious thing to help herself.

I'm sure I will get flamed for being unsupportive and critical, but I would so love her to be pg and just want her to take care of herself. So how should I go about this? And what is the correct thing to say to her when she is upset about it?

OP posts:

DBXmum · 04/02/2009 10:09

Has she mentioned to you that she knows that her weight is an issue? Obviously she does know if she's as well informed as you say but is she comfortable talking about it? I think that you are actually being very supportive in that you know what needs to be done. I'll bet you feel like shaking her. Perhaps when you're all relaxed, not when she's got her period AGAIN, you could ask her if the doctors have mentioned her weight and then see where the conversation takes you.

Penthesileia · 04/02/2009 10:15

YANBU to be feeling a bit jaded - though imagine how she must be feeling .

But it would be totally unreasonable to express any of this to your friend. SAY NOTHING!

If she's read as much as you say, she knows that her weight is an issue. I doubt you need to say anything.

The best thing you could do is, without insinuating anything, suggest that you both do healthy things together. Lead by example, as it were.

Like, when you agree to meet up, go to a vegetarian cafe or something, rather than your usual cafe for lunch; suggest that you take a walk, rather than go for a coffee, etc.

Penthesileia · 04/02/2009 10:16

What I mean is this: support her to lose weight, don't just tell her. DYSWIM?

PartOfTheHumphreysGroup · 04/02/2009 10:17

I think you should leave it to the docs to mention it to her. I put on 2 stone while ttc as I was so damn miserable and living month to month - if anyone had said anything I would have been very upset and it would feel like you were saying it is her fault.

If she is as well read as you say then she'll be fully aware that weight is a factor. Just bite your tongue and be sympathetic is my advice.

And when she has just got her period is the worst possible time to mention anything!! Try two weeks in (assuming you know the ins and outs of her cycle!) - that's the optimistic phase ;)

minortaur · 05/02/2009 16:40

Well it depends. If she moans to you about ttc and talks to you about it then say something gently when you next talk about it.

If she doesn't talk to you about it then say nothing. She'll know weight is a problem and you saying it won't help.

Do you generally talk about things like weight?

I was overweight when I conceived both of my children and ttc took a long time but if anyone had ever said anything about it then I think that would have ended the friendship - ttc is fraught enough without being judged by your friends.

Sullwah · 05/02/2009 20:49

How overweight is she?

I was about 4 or 5 st overweight for my height when I went to fertility clinic for IVF.

I asked doctor whether it was a factor - I was told that is probably did not make a difference.

I had two embryos put back in in the first cycle and I got pg with twins. And I was 41!

Before you judge her for her weight - do you actually know what their fertility issue is? There is so much that can affect fertility and it may have sod all to do with her weight.

So yes - You are being very unreasonable and judgy.

MauriceDancer · 05/02/2009 20:52

oh god, tbh if you've been in the 'just relax' camp then you really can't have a clue about the utter relentless misery of ttc without success. if the poor woman wants a bun, let her have it and keep your mouth tight shut.

mrsgboring · 05/02/2009 20:57

TTC without success is miserable. Really really really keep your mouth shut. There's barely a woman in this country who can't beat herself up about her weight ten different ways without any outside assistance.

ScottishMummy · 05/02/2009 21:17

no personal experience of ttc,but my hunch is friend needs support not someone else equipped with all the facts

i imagine she has read all relevant literature.whether or not she chooses to openly discuss the thoughts, emotions, decisions this evokes is up to her.

be a mate,watch dvd's,socialise,see what spontaneously comes up

madmouse · 05/02/2009 21:19

You are right of course about the weight. And there is not as much info about it as you would think, so playing ostrich is quite easy.

seconding what was said before about eating out of misery. My slim best friend has been trying to conceive for years (wanted children long before me and my ds is a year now )and every month she gets pain in her legs which tells her her period will come in 4 days exactly. She will in those four days eat eat eat out of complete misery.

And yes, it must be horrible to be at the receiving end of the 'relax' comments. I must say I have persuaded her to ditch the spreadsheet and even to go on the pill for a few months because her marriage was on its way to the rocks but they never talked about it as the ttc was the big elephant between them on the sofa.

So I do not agree that your role as friend is to do nothing. But you need to be very tactful

MauriceDancer · 05/02/2009 21:26

you persuaded your pal to go on the pill?
you couldn't have persuaded her to talk to her husband and seek help from the GP?
pill not a good idea, btw. pretty sure it slooshes around in there for a while and if you're already compromised you really don't need that.

NayNayAndThriceNay · 05/02/2009 21:40

I agree with Sullwah, how do you know that her weight is a factor in her not conceiving?
I was (and still am) classed as morbidly obese when I became pregnant, I had only just given up smoking and I was 38 years old. All of these are percieved factors that reduce your fertility. It took one month for me to conceive.
In my NCT group, out of the 6 of us, 3 were what I would consider normal to overweight and the other 3 I would consider underweight. Guess which 3 took a month to conceive and which 3 took over a year?
Don't presume anything when it comes to weight please. It just perpetuates the myth that we are all unhealthy thickos who don't know what a healthy meal is.

Sullwah · 05/02/2009 21:44

Has your friend been to see a fertility expert?

Are you a fertility expert?

What has made you conclude that it is her weight that is the problem?

There may be an issue with her partners sperm. She may have blocked tubes. She may not be ovulating for a whole variety of non-weight related reasons. There are a whole host of reasons why she is not getting pregnany.

But you think it is because of her weight. Why?

Glad I didn't have a friend like you when I was TTC.

Sullwah · 05/02/2009 21:46

Sorry ..... can you tell that this subject has got me annoyed

madmouse · 05/02/2009 21:50

MauriceDancer there is no evidence for what you say about the pill, in fact i was preggers 5 months after stopping, having taken the pill for ten years.

And I know my friend where you don't. And two severely depressed people in one marriage of which at least one with fleeting suicidal ideologies called for desperate measures.

ClaireDeLoon · 05/02/2009 21:51

I think minortaur said it all 'ttc is fraught enough without being judged by your friends'

I know it must be frustrating for you if your friend is upset and needs comforting but really, the best thing you can do is say nothing on this issue.

jujumaman · 05/02/2009 21:54

I think people are flaming you too harshy, it's not good to be overweight whether you are ttc or not and overweight people do tend to get a tad defensive about this.

However, in this case it's not a helpful thing to dwell on.

TTC is a murky area, some overweight drug abusing non-folic acid cosuming people conceive the first time they look at a boy

Others eat nothing but mung beans and broccoli and never get lucky.

As others have said, all you can do is hang out with her, have fun, try to distract her from ttc but listen when she wants to talk about it BUT give no advice. There are plenty of doctors, gurus, whoever out there who can do that. Wish you both well

fluffles · 05/02/2009 21:55

if your friend IS properly overweight then she ought to be eating better and exercising more for any number of reasons - not to mention if the ttc is successful she'll want to be healthy for pregnancy and for having a child.

are you healthy? do you exercise and eat well? can you 'go on a health kick' and ask her to join you? can you suggest a regular walk or run/walk together? doing the moonwalk or something? or ask her to help you eat better.

in NO WAY would i mention HER weight or link it to TTC but you will be doing her a big favour if you can help her introduce some healthy habits. I need to lose a bit of weight myself and i'd love a friend to suggest we did more exercise together instead of drinks or tea and cake.

MauriceDancer · 05/02/2009 22:04

"MauriceDancer there is no evidence for what you say about the pill"

are you a doctor or research scientist, madmouse?

llareggub · 05/02/2009 22:04

Of course reducing weight will help increase fertility, but despite the science, it isn't all that reliable. I have PCOS and overweight. During the 2 years of fertility treatment I had to conceive DS, I was told that even reducing my weight by 10% would help increase my fertility.

I only managed to do this when I was scheduled to have an op called ovarian drilling. I knew I couldn't be pregnant for the op, and knew it was 2 months away. I with the help and support of my consultant, I took prescribed weight loss tablets and lost 10% of my body weight. It also helped that for those 2 months I had to actively avoid conception, which really helped reduce the stress I'd been suffering.

Post op I developed an infection and had 2 weeks off a stressful job. Within a month I was pregnant. Coincidence? Possibly. But I maintain that a combination of avoiding TTC, reducing weight, the ovarian drilling all enabled my successful conception.

Two years on, I'm probably the same weight but got pregnant as soon as I thought about it. I know how hard your friend must be finding this, but trust me, she knows what she has to do. Don't tell her, just be there to listen to her.

MauriceDancer · 05/02/2009 22:11

www.telegraph.co.uk/health/3350809/Pill-can-delay-a-baby-far-longer-than-you-want.html fao madmouse.

CantSleepWontSleep · 05/02/2009 22:13

I think that you should keep your mouth firmly shut. The only way in which weight has been proven to affect fertility is if it causes problems in ovulating, which would lead to irregular cycle lengths. Your friend would know this, and would clearly recognise the need to lose weight if she had irregular cycles.

I still haven't forgotten the comment from one ignorant (male) friend when I miscarried, and he seemed to assume that it must have been my 'fault', because I was overweight . His very slim wife later went on to miscarry, so I don't know what he found to blame that on.

Being overweight isn't automatically the cause of everything bad that happens to someone.

madmouse · 05/02/2009 22:15

MauriceDancer yourtone is not nice, not interested in further discussion thanks

MauriceDancer · 05/02/2009 22:15

and here

i note that it says that you could be fine after a month but also that you risk a higher chance of miscarriage for the first few months after coming off the pill. which despite not knowing your friend i can't anticipate would be good for anyone's mental health, particularly if they've been ttc for years.

MauriceDancer · 05/02/2009 22:17

lol. i think persuading people to put their bodies into a hormonal flux that will prevent them from getting the one thing they really want is not nice.

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