to be slightly losing sympathy with friend TTC

[elportodelgato]

I have just read the TTC thread - have been totally guilty of saying "just relax and it will happen" and feel very about it.

However, I'd like your ideas about what to do about this. I have a friend who has been TTC now for over a year - she is completely obsessed with it (understandable), has read all the pregnancy and baby books already, knows far more about pg and babies than I do (I have a DC) and in fact more than anyone I know. Every month seems to be a great trial for her of will she / won't she be pg and I feel terrible on her behalf and want to be as supportive as possible.

The thing is that there is one key thing she could do to really help with her fertility which is that she needs to lose quite a lot of weight, but she won't do anything about it. I feel that her chances of getting pg would be so greatly improved if she were even a stone lighter. She seems to know this but not be prepared to change her lifestyle and start exercising / dieting. I feel that if she focused on getting healthy she would have something to take her mind off the TTC and would feel all-round much better, and then could think again about TTC in a few months when she might be more ready. In the meantime, it's hard to deal with that she gets so upset and yet won't do a really obvious thing to help herself.

I'm sure I will get flamed for being unsupportive and critical, but I would so love her to be pg and just want her to take care of herself. So how should I go about this? And what is the correct thing to say to her when she is upset about it?

Do you think your friend has considered that she might have PCOS? This sometimes goes hand in hand with being overweight and means she might not be ovulating. Because of the weird hormonal balance, PCOS also makes it harder than normal to loose weight. Incidentally, I think there is evidence that if you have PCOS, going on the pill for a few months can actually improve your chances of conceiving when you come off it. (I pretty sure I read this in Prof Regans book on miscarriage.)

If she hasn't already done so, I think the best thing you could do is to encourage your friend to see a fertility specialist. Very hard situation for your friend.

thanks everyone, esp independiente - you're right, if nothing else the comments on here have helped me to see that ttc and weight are even more emotive issues than I thought! So in spite of the flamings I am glad I posted on here before blundering into a conversation with my friend. I will be treading carefully and just being as supportive as possible, whatever happens. And keeping everything crossed for her getting pg asap!

I say keep your mouth shut on this one. It must be so painful not to be able to conceive when you so desparately want a child. She doesn't need to be called fat too. She already knows that and i'm sure she will make that decision when she feels ready. Also, maybe food is her drug of choice, it may be all that is making her feel better at this time. Or, Maybe her weight is not a factor in her infertility anyway. It could be any number of other things stopping her from becoming pregnant.

Mauricedancer - you're right, the pill can affect fertility (so I understand from a GP which is good enough for me), but as a journalist I have to say I wasn't convinced by that article. It's not referring to a study, or any new evidence. And you get to the end of the piece without any idea how prevalent it is. And then they recommend reflexology and chinese herbs. . So I must say, I can understand mouse's scepticism about the article, even though she herself was a bit harsh - and imo incorrect - with her initial comment (sorry, mouse). The GP my friend spoke to suggested it took an average of 3 months for the pill to leave your system after taking it for a while.

Novicemama - are we talking morbidly obese here, or just bigger than you? I'm not being harsh, but TTC is soul destroying and anyone who hasn't really been there (and fortunately I wasn't there for all that long but long enough for me) can't really judge. For me, a real turning point was when my GP told me that getting stressed didn't mean it wouldn't happen. Because I was locked in a cycle of getting more and more upset, and then beating myself up for getting upset, and bloody people telling me to "just relax" .

Perhaps you should suggest your friend does some exercise to reduce her stress levels. And I do actually mean that as a stress thing, not a weight thing. I found yoga very helpful.

I also think you are being fairly judgey. If she is ttc the last thing she needs is a friend implying she is too fat to get pregnant.

On the Pill subject. I was on it for 5 years and got pg straight away. Then I went back on it for a year and got pg straight way again. I was told buy my GP that it is easier to get pg as soon as you come of the pill because of the extra hormones.

LuJay (etc) did you realise this is an old thread??

I was hoping it was an update from the OP to say her friend was pregnant

sorry, new to mn. didn't know it was an old thread.