Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be slightly losing sympathy with friend TTC

57 replies

elportodelgato · 04/02/2009 10:05

I have just read the TTC thread - have been totally guilty of saying "just relax and it will happen" and feel very about it.

However, I'd like your ideas about what to do about this. I have a friend who has been TTC now for over a year - she is completely obsessed with it (understandable), has read all the pregnancy and baby books already, knows far more about pg and babies than I do (I have a DC) and in fact more than anyone I know. Every month seems to be a great trial for her of will she / won't she be pg and I feel terrible on her behalf and want to be as supportive as possible.

The thing is that there is one key thing she could do to really help with her fertility which is that she needs to lose quite a lot of weight, but she won't do anything about it. I feel that her chances of getting pg would be so greatly improved if she were even a stone lighter. She seems to know this but not be prepared to change her lifestyle and start exercising / dieting. I feel that if she focused on getting healthy she would have something to take her mind off the TTC and would feel all-round much better, and then could think again about TTC in a few months when she might be more ready. In the meantime, it's hard to deal with that she gets so upset and yet won't do a really obvious thing to help herself.

I'm sure I will get flamed for being unsupportive and critical, but I would so love her to be pg and just want her to take care of herself. So how should I go about this? And what is the correct thing to say to her when she is upset about it?

OP posts:
jasper · 05/02/2009 22:18

of course YANBU

namehelp · 05/02/2009 22:18

YABVU You obviously have no idea what long-term TTC feels like otherwise you would be far more supportive and far less judgmental.

How do you know she isn't trying to loose weight?
Medical conditions that cause fertilely problems can also make it very difficult to loose weight.

madmouse · 05/02/2009 22:18

byyye

MauriceDancer · 05/02/2009 22:20

'k, madmouse. maybe think twice (or even google once) before stating there's no evidence for something next time, eh? it's almost like you're playing ostrich or something...

diedandgonetodevon · 05/02/2009 22:23

It is really hard just to sit back when a friend is having a hard time but ttc is such a sensitive issue I would be inclined to keep quiet about her weight. Maybe encourage her to see her doctor if she hasn't already and s/he can point out the weight issue if they believe it to be an issue.

madmouse · 05/02/2009 22:23

if you were not so aggressive and judgemental I would probably enjoy the discussion. Am not a doctor, but a lawyer. Specialism: assessing what consitutes proper evidence. But I am bored now.

MuchLessTiredNow · 05/02/2009 22:27

novice, i get where you are coming from, and that you posted entirely genuinely to seek adivce before saying anything which in my bok makes you a good friend full stop. I have had similar issues from both sides of the fence - I had a friend going through IVF. who drank a lot and smoked 30 a day and failed both her first cycles. I have been through IVF too, but was underweight and bulumic and freaked out when someone told me I had to start eating properly. what worked for me, and what I did with this other friend was to sit down and say what do I need to do and work through it all. I didthis with the smoking friend very clinically - OK, - this is shit, I feel for you - lets work out what we can change, and led HER to suggest the smoking thing. Once she had said it I said - how would you advise someone else to give up. She gave the answer and I left it. She took her own advice and then had a lovely baby a year later. But quid pro quo - she also told me to stop fecking about with food and sure enough, it worked in reverse too,

ChippingIn · 05/02/2009 22:34

madmouse on Thu 05-Feb-09 22:23:45
if you were not so aggressive and judgemental I would probably enjoy the discussion. Am not a doctor, but a lawyer. Specialism: assessing what consitutes proper evidence.

nicely said and I'm pretty sure an article in the telegraph isn't considered that great a source!

TotalChaos · 05/02/2009 22:36

YABU. How can any of us save a fertility medic have so much confidence that weight loss will make a massive difference to your friend's chances of conceiving.

gestures · 05/02/2009 22:55

Apologies for the following rant but this post annoys me hugely. Who do you think you are Novicemama? I hope you are a teetotal non smoking virtuous person and even then I bet there are some things about you that are not perfect.

I am annoyed because I am large - a size 22 on a good day, about 4 stone overweight. I am also 4 months pregnant but before I conceived a 'friend' (no longer) sat me down to say that I should lose weight. What she had no idea about was that I had had two miscarriages in the past year and was still bleeding from the last one. Why didn't she know? Because I spoke about it on here and with two close friends and my DP and that is it. My health is none of her business. Also, did she think I thought I was thin? Fat people know they are fat you idiot. I knew it might be a factor and I also spoke about that with close friends.

I am now 4 months pregnant and have seen so far (everything crossed) healthy baby with heartbeat. And guess what. I still haven't told the friend who sat me down because I have avoided her since. Who the feck is she to judge.
So in short, go get a life. Oh, I am annoyed. I've not been on MN for ages and now I am I have embroiled myself in row. Oh dear....

llareggub · 05/02/2009 23:00

You are being so unfair to the OP. For heavens sake!

Original poster
elportodelgato · 05/02/2009 23:02

Been offline for a while and see my OP has let loose a barrage!

I totally take on board all the comments - you are right that it is not my place to bring up weight with my friend - if this is a factor, her doctor will raise it with her and she can take it from there. I will be thinking of some healthy and fun things we can do together like going for a walk rather than meeting for a coffee and cake.

However, I'm a bit about the assumption that i am being all judgey. As far as I know (don't ask me to find sources, this is just common knowledge I think) weight plays a part in fertility - whether you are under or over the recommended BMI for your height does play a part along with other factors like drinking, smoking, age etc. I KNOW lots of people are overweight and drink and smoke like chimneys and get pg straight away. But my friend has been trying for a while now with no success so I don't think it is judgey or unsupportive to think about possible factors, the most obvious one being her weight. When I was TTC I was very deliberately exercising more and eating healthily and cutting down on the booze - isn't this just sensible behaviour for someone who wants to be pg?

Anyway, thanks for the advice!

OP posts:
ThePgHedgeWitchIsCrankyBeware · 05/02/2009 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Lemontart · 05/02/2009 23:06

I am desperately overweight and my biggest personal wish to make me happier about myself is to lose that weight. I know that. I know the health and emotional benefits of it. However, taking that information and knowledge and acting on it is another thing. I am an emotional eater and my worst own enemy. When I am upset, feel threatened or worried, I use food. I don?t con myself and think "oh this one doughnut will not make any difference", I know exactly what I am doing and feel wretched while eating it. Then I am like a dog chasing my tail as the guilt about guilt about guilt goes round and round..
Unless you have been in that kind of relationship with food in a truly addictive way, it is hard for anyone on the outside to appreciate both how difficult it can be and how personal it is. I can totally relate to your friend and sympathise with your frustration on her behalf. However, it is not that simple and is not a matter to inform/educate/explain. You say she has read every book - then chances are she is bitterly crying over her weight in private and knows full well the impact it "could" be having on her fertility. Just one of many sticks to beat yourself up with when you fail to conceive - along with the "relax" one and the "some women are just more maternally inclined" rubbish we have all heard.

I am writing all this to explain that as her friend, be there when she needs to open up, be there when she needs distraction, laughter and company. If she wants your opinion on possible ttc techniques or support, let her lead the way and do not cross that line. In her shoes, how could you expect her to be anything other than hurt, mortified and a little defensive. Don?t do that to her. Swallow your frustrations and be a mate in other ways

ThePgHedgeWitchIsCrankyBeware · 05/02/2009 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

llareggub · 05/02/2009 23:08

I think you've been treated unfairly, but there is quite a bit of bandwagon jumping on this board. As I said earlier, I am also overweight and knew I should have lost weight, but to shamelessly steal Susie Orbach's quote "fat isn't a feminist issue" I can tell you that "fat isn't a rational issue." I couldn't lose weight. I knew there were very clear reasons why I'd find it harder, due to PCOS, but that didn't mean it would be impossible. I ate more because I was miserable and I couldn't seem to stop myself. Fat is definitely an emotional issue for some people, and it isn't as simple as getting a bit more exercise or eating more veg.

I hope what I've said helps you understand your friend a bit better. Just be there for her, and listen when she is upset about getting her period again and try not to express how you feel about her weight, however frustrating you find it.

Original poster
elportodelgato · 05/02/2009 23:12

BTW, as far as I know she has not been to see a fertility expert to get any advice on any other issues which might be affecting her TTC. As she is not at that stage yet, is it really unreasonable to suggest she look at factors which she CAN control? If you had a friend who smoked 40 a day and was failing to get pg, would you not be suggesting she eliminate the smoking as a possible factor?

Everyone has a story about a friend they know who only ate cream cakes and drank like a fish and got pg just as soon as look at a man and that's brilliant, but this is not the case here.

Also, I'd like to point out that I AM blo*dy minding my own business! hence asking advice from mn rather than going ahead and broaching the subject with my friend in a way which (as is clear from some of these posts) could be construed as hugely unhelpful!

OP posts:
Original poster
elportodelgato · 05/02/2009 23:15

PS: thanks Lemontart, I am almost crying reading your post. Such lovely advice, you have made me think about it differently and more compassionately

OP posts:
llareggub · 05/02/2009 23:16

I think I'm the same as you, lemontart. You've really expressed everything I tried to say.

madmouse · 06/02/2009 09:35

Lemomtart I could have written that post, but I was not brave enough to do so.

Thanks

HeadFairy · 06/02/2009 09:45

Novicemamma, you're obviously a considerate friend having come on here to seek advice from people who have ttc for a long time. I agree with the others the direct route to discussing her weight might not be the best one, a more subtle approach, going for walks as you suggested is a much better idea. As summer approaches (hopefully... one day... Perhaps?) it gets easier to do things out doors and not sit in having cups of tea and biscuits.

I hope your friend gets lucky soon, I know how hard ttc can be. Another ray of hope though, I was 3 stone overweight (BMI of about 28) when I conceived ds, but it did take me 18 months. It may slow things down but it doesn't prevent it completely.

charitygirl · 06/02/2009 10:10

I can see it must be tempting/frustrating, but as others have said, you can bet your bottom dollar she DOES know.

Just sympathise - in a situation like this, that's all a good friend can do.

independiente · 06/02/2009 10:42

Novicemama, I don't think YABU to feel slightly frustrated - it's v clear how much you care about your friend. I am surprised you wanted to come back onto this post after the flaming you've had from some posters (and IMO you're not being judgey at all) - but actually they've been useful in showing how emotive these two things are - weight issues and ttc.
You know your friend well; we don't know her at all. You say you think weight is a possible issue, and that she probably thinks so too. You ask for advice on bringing this up with her. Most importantly, you've posted on here, before saying anything to her.
You know her best (certainly better than us) and you sound caring, so I'm sure you will take the comments you've had and do the best thing. Good luck, I hope she manages to conceive soon.

MauriceDancer · 06/02/2009 10:43

how extraordinary, madmouse, that you think i'm the one who was aggressive. it's simply not so.
i suggest you read your posts to me and mine to you. my first asked why you'd have persuaded your friend to go on the pill and good-naturedly proposed that the chemicals 'sloosh' around for a while.
you dismissed that out of hand, in a manner i found rather rude tbh. i asked if you were a doc or research scientist as 'no medical evidence' is a pretty high-handed thing to say and you came back with all this aggressive 'your tone is rude/byee/bored now' etc.
it's amazing to me that you think your behaviour has been kosher on this thread. but it's amazing to me that you'd for a moment consider 'persuading' someone to go on the pill when in fact what they want more than anything in the world is to conceive a child as you have done.

and increased risk of miscarriage not good enough for you, cheesetart? i didn't just refer to the telegraph article. hardly 'no evidence'.

ThePgHedgeWitchIsCrankyBeware · 06/02/2009 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn