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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my sister if she would change the date of her wedding as it's going to clash wth my due date?

74 replies

SobranieCocktail · 02/02/2009 10:15

I'm 8 weeks pregnant, and broke the good news to my family at the weekend. I thought it was going to tie in reasonably neatly with my sister's wedding, which was originally planned for 17th August, as I'm due on the 10th September. However, it transpired that my dsis has recently changed the date of the wedding to the 19th September.

My two other DCs both came 8 days late, and although I know all pregnancies are different etc, I'm really worried that this will mean I won't be able to make it to the wedding. I could hardly walk for about a week after my last two DCs due to nasty tears and lots of stitches, and if the baby hasn't arrived by 19th Sept (which is not that unlikely) I think it would be foolhardy to embark on a trip from Edinburgh to Henley!

I've just spoken to my Mum, and she has totally pissed me off. Apparently she's told my sister just to "put it out of her mind completely" as none of us know exactly what will happen . My Mum has a history of v premature babies, so I think her perspective is a bit skewed on this.

My sister hasn't been pregnant/given birth and is therefore a bit clueless about the effects of childbirth, and my mum is not helping matters by giving her the impression that I should be able to make it to the wedding (even immediately before/after/during ) the birth if I put my mind to it and get lots of family help(!!).

I should also add that my sis feels restricted to that date as she is going to do her viva the week before, and the priest that she wants to marry her isn't available in August (neither she or her DP are religious, but her DP's family are Roman Catholic).

Oh yes, AND I'm meant to be her (ONLY!) bridesmaid, and DH is meant to be playing his bagpipes at the wedding, and our DCs are being the pageboy and flower girl.

OP posts:
RubyRioja · 02/02/2009 10:18

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 02/02/2009 10:19

I don't think you're been unreasonable to ask her. But it would be unreasonable to be annoyed if she says no. You can only tell her that there is a strong possibility that neither you, your DH or kids will be able to make it if she keeps that date.

I offerred to chaneg my wedding date as it clashed with my SILs due date. She said it would be fine, etc and then never made the wedding as she couldn't sit down due to stitches for long enough to travel. I was gutted she missed it.

Original poster
SobranieCocktail · 02/02/2009 10:20

Oh I am soooo desperate to go to my little sister's wedding

It;s going to be tricky to help much with the preparations as I live quite far away (Scotland vs South East England).

I suppose I'm just wondering how pushy I can be about it.

OP posts:
eNABlemetobebetter · 02/02/2009 10:20

I would make it quite clear that while you obviously want to be there, they should assume you can't be.

gemmiegoatlegs · 02/02/2009 10:21

I wouldn't ask her, just tell her that it may not be possible to attend, based on your previous late babies. I can't see how being a bridesmaid would be at all feasible either 9 and a half months pg or just postpartum...surely that way lies madness. EXcepting the (rather unlikely) scenario that you are pushing as she says 'I do', you will all still be able to attend

thisisyesterday · 02/02/2009 10:23

i would talk to her and tell her exactly what your concerns are.
it sounds like you and your family are due to play a fairly large part in the wedding and so I am sure she'd be gutted if you couldn't be there.

you have every right not to want to travel if you are heavily pregnant or have just had a baby, despite what anyone else says.
so just tell her this and then ask what she wants to do

BlameItOnTheBogey · 02/02/2009 10:27

I think the best approach is to have an honest conversation with her and tell her exactly what you have written here. E.g.

  • It is unlikely I would be able to attend on that date because I will either be i) overdue and therefore unable to travel far from my hospital ii) recovering from the birth or iii) I might even be in labour.

Set it out clearly and tell her that you will support whatever decision she makes re timing but that you wanted to be upfront with her about what the probably chances are of you being there if she picks mid Sept.

The essential thing is to really mean that you will support her and not say it in a passive-aggressive well-choose-when-you-want-but-I-won't-be-there kind of way.

If she chooses to go ahead on Sept timing then that is her decision (it looks like timing is tricky either way) and you should accept it with good grace and e.g. go to as many of her dress fittings etc as you can.

Original poster
SobranieCocktail · 02/02/2009 10:28

OK, I'm just about to compose an email (I'm shit on the phone).

Gemmie - didn't quite get the last sentence of your post.

OP posts:
beanieb · 02/02/2009 10:30

Depends on how much she really wants you to be bridesmaid and your kids to be pageboy and flower girl. I think it's worth you talking directly to her about it and making it clear that you may not be able to make it there at all.

ThePgHedgeWitchIsCrankyBeware · 02/02/2009 10:31

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DandyLioness · 02/02/2009 10:34

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LucyEllensmummy · 02/02/2009 10:36

Her ONLY bridesmaid? Oh dear, she really hasn't got a clue has she .

This is a difficult one, she obviously hasn't done this on purpose, assuming she didn't know you were pregnant? I am not married so i dont know, but i assume that once you have set a date and venues etc its pretty hard to change. OF COURSE she is going to want you and your family there but i can also see why she wont want to be changing the date as well. If she brings it forward it still might clash and if she takes it back much it will be potentially rubbish weather. I do think you have to be the one who concedes here, but i do understand how you must feel. I would imagine your sister is going to feel strange too as the day is supposed to be about her and her DP and you may well trump her by having a baby

I don't know if it is feasable to be induced due to those circumstances? Might be worth talking to your midwife about it - i know that seems a bit drastic, but so long as its safe to do so (i don't know whether it is or not)and wouldnt be a risk to your or the baby - then maybe this might be a good plan, that way you wont spend the whole time fretting about it? They will probably say no, but its worth asking i suppose.

BouncingTurtle · 02/02/2009 10:37

You shouldn't be expected to travel nearly 400miles while about to pop or having just had a baby!
I think you need to be honest with your sister and explain that you cannot commit to be her bridesmaid now, as in all honesty in your shoes I would not want to travel. Even if the baby does come early you have no idea what sort of labour you will have therefore no idea how fit you'll be to travel.
You may have to prepare yourself to miss the wedding if she doesn't offer to change the date but I don't think you can ask to - I think that will have to come from her.
At least if you bow out of the bridesmaid bit now, it'll give her a chance to find someone else.

CatchaStar · 02/02/2009 10:38

Speak to your sister about it. If she feels that she cannot change the dates then tell her to be prepared for the fact that you may not make it.

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 02/02/2009 10:39

I wouldn't want to be induced for a wedding even if it was my sisters. Why put yourself at higher risk of complications and intervention?

LucyEllensmummy · 02/02/2009 10:41

ah, then i concur stripey - not worth risking ANYTHING

Wigglesworth · 02/02/2009 10:45

Yeah I agree don't ask her to change the date, let her make that decision. Just inform her that you would love to be there but it looks unlikely but that you will do your best. Remember it is vitally important to look after yourself as you will be heavily pg or just given at that time, you and baby are priority number 1. I think it would very unreasonable of your family to expect you to travel across the country when you are ready to burst or have just had a baby and presumably with the tiny one in tow too.
It is probably best if she just makes plans for you not to be there and if you are it would be a lovely bonus. You may all be disappointed but that is the way it goes sometimes.

stroppyknickers · 02/02/2009 10:48

I think you should speak to her yourself as everything is more complicated via other people. Ring her/email her. Could you tell her that while you will attend as a guest if you can, your dp and kids will be there - book flights now (think flybe are doing halfprice sale) and they could go overnight/leave early. I know you may just have had a baby but for 24 hours you could cope without them.

Original poster
SobranieCocktail · 02/02/2009 11:42

OK, I've just spoken to my sister, and it seems the date is really not changeable The main reason is that the Roman Catholic chapel that she wants to get married in isn't available until September. The rest of the wedding is going to be in a garden (in a yurt ), so she can't delay it as the weather will be too cold.

I'm gutted, and a little bit hurt TBH. She's not at all religious, and is doing the Roman Catholic thing for the sake of her DP's family (her DP isn't religious either). BUT I made it v clear that I would 100% support her decision either way, and I'm sure I'll get over the disappointment. At least I know she has all the facts now, rather than just my Mum's rather blase opinion.

Who knows, the Fates may decide to let the baby pop out a week early, in which I'll hopefully be fit enough to go.

StroppyKnickers - that idea might be a goer.

OP posts:
PlumBumMum · 02/02/2009 11:54

Is the chapel closed completely until September, She is changing the date to suit the chapel, can she not bring it forward abit July

Even if you went a week early, you don't know how you'll feel I know after having ny no 3 I bearly wanted to make the journey to the shops never mind one to Scotland with 2dcs and a newborn

eNABlemetobebetter · 02/02/2009 11:55

Her DP probably feels he has to have the RC wedding for his family.

georgimama · 02/02/2009 12:11

I would send DH and kids and see what the situation is with you and baby nearer the time. I understand that you are disappointed, but this is her wedding and whilst you are no doubt very important to her, this is extremely important to her too.

If it can't be changed sadly it is just one of those things.

alicet · 02/02/2009 13:11

I certainly wouldn't be planning now to send dh and the kids - what if you are in labour then and need your dh to be there?

I think you have done the right thing tbh - tell her honestly what the situation is but as she can't change the date unfortunately you will have to get over it. I would have been gutted too

I also would have been very with your mum for her unhelpful input1 FFS Edinburgh to Henley is a bloody long way even to take 2 children when fit never mind either heavily pg or sore post delivery. You may bot even be able to sit that long! She is being ridiculous

Original poster
SobranieCocktail · 02/02/2009 14:03

I've still feeling pretty disappointed.

And yes, I'm annoyed with my Mum for her input, although I don't think my sis was swayed by anything she said.

The chapel isn't open in the "summer months" so I guess that includes July.

OP posts:
laumiere · 02/02/2009 14:05

Try not to feel too hurt, she is doing what she sees as best for her new family in choosing an RC wedding, just as you're doing what's best for yours by warning her you might not be able to attend.

I think the best thing you can do is ask your mum to stop making unhelpful comments, as the last thing you need in a pregnancy is pressure on you about things happening at the end!(Trust me on this, I planned my own wedding while pregnant with DS!)