to ask my sister if she would change the date of her wedding as it's going to clash wth my due date?

[SobranieCocktail]

I'm 8 weeks pregnant, and broke the good news to my family at the weekend. I thought it was going to tie in reasonably neatly with my sister's wedding, which was originally planned for 17th August, as I'm due on the 10th September. However, it transpired that my dsis has recently changed the date of the wedding to the 19th September.

My two other DCs both came 8 days late, and although I know all pregnancies are different etc, I'm really worried that this will mean I won't be able to make it to the wedding. I could hardly walk for about a week after my last two DCs due to nasty tears and lots of stitches, and if the baby hasn't arrived by 19th Sept (which is not that unlikely) I think it would be foolhardy to embark on a trip from Edinburgh to Henley!

I've just spoken to my Mum, and she has totally pissed me off. Apparently she's told my sister just to "put it out of her mind completely" as none of us know exactly what will happen . My Mum has a history of v premature babies, so I think her perspective is a bit skewed on this.

My sister hasn't been pregnant/given birth and is therefore a bit clueless about the effects of childbirth, and my mum is not helping matters by giving her the impression that I should be able to make it to the wedding (even immediately before/after/during ) the birth if I put my mind to it and get lots of family help(!!).

I should also add that my sis feels restricted to that date as she is going to do her viva the week before, and the priest that she wants to marry her isn't available in August (neither she or her DP are religious, but her DP's family are Roman Catholic).

Oh yes, AND I'm meant to be her (ONLY!) bridesmaid, and DH is meant to be playing his bagpipes at the wedding, and our DCs are being the pageboy and flower girl.

Have you only just found out about the pg? It seems if you had told them your news last week she could have changed the date to suit you better then.

On the other hand, it's obviously not set in stone, this date, if she's already changed it once.

I think those of you telling the OP to send her kids away whilst shes just had a new baby or theres a chance the baby could be born whilst they were away are being very unreasonable.

Having a new baby is a family affair and there is no way I'd want me kids sent to the other end of the country when I'd just had a baby or was due.

And it doesn't matter what number baby shes on. Every baby is special and deserves the same amount of attention.

So OP I think YANBU. But if she won't change the date then thats up to her. Tell her if she won't change the date then you will not be her bridesmaid. Its just not feasable and you don't need the added guilt and pressure. Travelling that far with a newborn or 9 months pregnant is totally out of the question to me and you shouldn't even contemplate it tbh.

The bride has an element of choice for changing things, the pregnant mum to be does not.

When I read the title of the tread I thought YABU

But I think some people have missed the fact you are 8 wks pg your sister has only started planning her wedding has already changed the date once, and nothing is actually booked so I can see why your anoyed

TBH I think for you to think it a possibilty to go to your sisters wedding 10 days after your due date is maddness and I think itis ridiculous for your mother to let your sister think that you would be fine with this!

Have I got any of this wrong?

LOL at bumpzilla

I don't think my sis is being a bridezilla. I honestly do understand that she is restricted wrt the chapel dates, BUT I can't help feeling sad that I'll probably miss it. It was a HUGE deal to me (esp as I've never been a bridesmaid ).

Elliott - yes, you're right. I'm just going to let it lie. There are loads of other factors that might yet necessitate another change of date (and I'll be secretly keeping my fingers crossed that the priest gets too religious on her arse and puts her off ).

For the record, I got pregnant before she'd made any plans. There was v vague talk about having a summer wedding either this year or next year, and I did consider this while we were TTC (i.e. I knew June/July/August would be OK). I would have been fine to travel down and be a bridesmaid while eight months pregnant...it would have been exciting! She wasn't planning on arranging a fitted dress, I was just going to get an off-the-shelf one.

And on reflection I agree with babymt that I couldn't send the DCs away for the wedding without me. I think I'll need DH around and they're too young to go on their own.

PlumBumMum - I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking my Mum is barking.

I don't think YABU.

But you have explained to your sister that you,dh and dc will prob not be available on that date.

If she wants your DH to play the bagpipes and you and dc to be bridesmaids and flowergirls then she will accept that will not be possible on this date so she will have to rethink dates if it important that your family at her wedding.

Don't think anyone is being U here

You asked, fair enough, why not? She said no and you're fine if saddened about it.

There isn't a 'meanie' here- her wedding is set and you can't ask baby to arrive a different day!

Keep yopur fingers crossed- mine have varied over the four weeks between 38 weeks and 42, you never know.

(But on those two occasions when I ahd a definitely unlissable date, a funeral and a baptism, baby arrived on exactly that day).

I wouldn't commit to being BM- or if she still wants you to, geta dress which is wearable elsewhere and offer to buy if you can't wear it to the wedding; and just keeep your fingers crossed and (from 38 weeks only!) the evening primrose oil popped.

I feel for you - I was in a similar position a couple of years ago.

My brother announced his engagement the same weekend I found out I was pregnant.

They planned the wedding as early as possible in the hope that I could come, but it still would have meant a 24 hour flight at between 32 - 36 weeks with a 2 year old as well. It just wasn't possible. But I couldn't ask them to change their dates.... because it was their wedding...

Anyway, I got lots of photos from them as well as a copy of the speeches etc so I didn't feel too bad.

DandyLioness am I right in thinking you have no trouble TTC? Your comment "you chose to get pregnant when you did" suggests that.

My SIL had her baby 9 days before my wedding, that had been planned for 2 years. It didn't occur to me that she shouldn't have got pg then (tho I did get annoyed at the announcement during the speeches) nor that she should plan her children round my wedding.

My eldest 3 pgs took a long time. I couldn't have "planned" them round someone else's event.

Catweazle, you got annoyed that someone mentioned that your SIL had just had a baby during one of the wedding speeches?

Seriously?

Why?

catweazle - quite! It took me over a year to get pregnant with DD. If my sister had settled on a date while I was TTC then I may well have avoided a clashing due date, but I really couldn't be expected to hold on indefinitely.

I doubt your sister would have expected you to put TTC on hold for her wedding, equally you should not expect her to put her wedding on hold for your baby.

It is just unfortunate. Let it go.

Sobranie,

I'd say there are several portions of unreasonableness being shared around but yours is not the biggest slice IYSWIM. Without knowing any context, I would say it's by definition unreasonable to ask anyone to change their wedding date as that should always be the couple's choice. However, you do have the best possible reason there could be for doing so. Your sister is a bit constrained in a number of ways, and it is her day so I can see why she might not want to change, but what IS unreasonable of her (and your mum) is to expect you and your family to agree to take leading roles in the wedding, when it's pretty clear you will be unlikely even to make it on the day, let alone take on responsibilities. So the best you can do, I think, is to say firmly that neither you nor your DH or kids will be able to take any specific role at the wedding because you just can't guarantee that you can be there. I think expecting that you might be able to go, perhaps if baby comes early/late, is just putting too much pressure on yourself. If your sister decides then to go ahead, then that's her right, but it's v unfair of your mum to make her think it'll all be OK and you will most likely be there. Much better to be realistic and bow out now (though I appreciate you're disappointed about not being a bridesmaid) and also then it allows her to make a clear choice not an airy-fairy, overly optimistic one.

I don't think either though that anyone should be considered 'selfish' for TTC when the birth of the baby may clash with another family event. You just never know what'll happen, and you could end up interrupting TTC time and again because of all sorts of things, and why should people put their life plans on hold in that way to suit everyone else's social calendar? I expected for various reasons to have trouble getting pregnant, and went ahead anyway knowing that if I was successful I would not be able to attend my BIL's wedding (abroad, long-haul flight) as had been told not to fly at all during any pregnancy. We felt it was too risky not to be trying as hard as we could given the potential problems. I did have to miss the wedding, which I was very disappointed about, but the safe arrival of my DS has made it all worthwhile.

Someone's wedding will always be their priority and rightly so, and the same goes for someone's expected child. Unfortunately, there's probably no way to reconcile those two things in your case...

YANBU.

Despite everyone saying that weddings are all anout the bride/couple, for me they are about celebrating a union with friends and family.

For me to not have family or close friends not there on my big day would be a no-brainer to change it. What is the point in having a celebration if your loved ones aren't there to celebreate with you?

Maybe I have a more traditional view...

YANBU at all I would be v upset. If she doesn't want to move it then she doesn't want to move it though, you will just have to smile and miss it

The only one being unreasonable here is the Mum - she seriously thinks that a postpartum woman and a newborn can make a long journey to a wedding? That'll be fun with a bruised and stitched perineum. And learning to breastfeed in front of all the wedding guests (in a bridesmaids dress!) will be a pleasure too. Or she could spend the reception and party in a hotel room on her own.

How far away is the wedding.Could your Mum take your DC ?

Katie - I guess you have only skimmed the thread?
OP lives in Edinburgh and wedding is in Henley - they are nearly 400miles apart!

georgiamama yes I did get peeved because it was the best man who made the announcement (DH's other brother). Mine and DH's families didn't actually know each other. DH's family all knew about the baby anyway and mine didn't even know who SIL was. Felt a bit like they were stealing our thunder (in my defence I was only 20 and my brother also announced his engagement during the reception so I was a bit )

Message withdrawn

My brother was going to get married on last w/e of July. I was due middle of Sept, so all was well. Bro changed wedding (8 hours drive away) to last w/e of Aug. I said I wouldn't go as so close to due date. He was a bit upset, but his Mrs convinced him that babies can and do come early. Baby came early. We all got over it.

If I were you I wouldn't be booking flights. I would tell her that you will do all you can to help with the preparatiob but unfortunately you and your DH and children won;t be able to attend as you'll either be heavily pregnant (therefore unable to fly) or you'll have a teeny tiny baby and will probably want your family around you.

Its a shame that you'll miss your sisters wedding but I'm sure she'll understand.

It's sad that you live so far away if you were local chances are it would have been okay but Edinburgh to Henley - absolute nightmare even without any children or being pregnant let alone 2 dc a huge bump or newborn babe.