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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask my sister if she would change the date of her wedding as it's going to clash wth my due date?

74 replies

SobranieCocktail · 02/02/2009 10:15

I'm 8 weeks pregnant, and broke the good news to my family at the weekend. I thought it was going to tie in reasonably neatly with my sister's wedding, which was originally planned for 17th August, as I'm due on the 10th September. However, it transpired that my dsis has recently changed the date of the wedding to the 19th September.

My two other DCs both came 8 days late, and although I know all pregnancies are different etc, I'm really worried that this will mean I won't be able to make it to the wedding. I could hardly walk for about a week after my last two DCs due to nasty tears and lots of stitches, and if the baby hasn't arrived by 19th Sept (which is not that unlikely) I think it would be foolhardy to embark on a trip from Edinburgh to Henley!

I've just spoken to my Mum, and she has totally pissed me off. Apparently she's told my sister just to "put it out of her mind completely" as none of us know exactly what will happen . My Mum has a history of v premature babies, so I think her perspective is a bit skewed on this.

My sister hasn't been pregnant/given birth and is therefore a bit clueless about the effects of childbirth, and my mum is not helping matters by giving her the impression that I should be able to make it to the wedding (even immediately before/after/during ) the birth if I put my mind to it and get lots of family help(!!).

I should also add that my sis feels restricted to that date as she is going to do her viva the week before, and the priest that she wants to marry her isn't available in August (neither she or her DP are religious, but her DP's family are Roman Catholic).

Oh yes, AND I'm meant to be her (ONLY!) bridesmaid, and DH is meant to be playing his bagpipes at the wedding, and our DCs are being the pageboy and flower girl.

OP posts:

stroppyknickers · 02/02/2009 14:09

Please remember that this is just timing, not a deliberate sleight. No-one can 'win' so you will both have to celebrate your happy events separately. I think your mum is probably unable to remember what the whole baby thing is like, and telling your sister not to worry is her way of buying time. If your dcs/dh can go that would be nice - they can take your good wishes with them. Even if just the dcs go and are page people that might work?

jrsqueak · 02/02/2009 14:20

Try not to feel hurt. I wanted to get married on my birthday in June and we announced to family last year that we were looking at getting married and mentioned the date. Anyway due to booking at quite short notice - places were booked up and we have ended up booking for a date in May. My db who assumed his dc would be bridesmaids and had bought dresses without telling me is away on holiday and was not best pleased that we had changed date. We didn't want to - we had to. Maybe your sis feels exactly the same.

SnowDragon · 02/02/2009 14:26

You're hurt? How do you think your sister feels? It's her wedding and, unfortunately, she can't change the date to suit you.

SnowDragon · 02/02/2009 14:27

by which I mean, give her a break.

macdoodle · 02/02/2009 14:27

I totally empathise my adored little sis got married last year when my DD2 was 4 months old and BF - the original plan had been to get married this year when DD2 would have been 18 months or so !
I was her matron of honour, DD1 gave her away and DD2 was supposed to be flower girl - I was so looking forward to losing the baby weight and having a wonderful day with my family!
When she unexpectedly and last minute brought it forward by a whole year I was terribly disappointed and hurt, but I gritted my teeth, bought a size bigger dress, and spent half the day going back and forward to room with the baby !
It was a lovely day, not what I was expecting or hoping for but was HER day not mine ...good luck

Original poster

SobranieCocktail · 02/02/2009 14:39

Ah but macdoodle, at least you got to go!

SnowDragon - yes, I do feel hurt, and I think I have a right to smart about it, at least for a few days She hasn't actually booked anything yet, but she said that she couldn't face having to rearrange the whole plan. Ultimately she is having to chose between having me there and getting married in a particular RC chapel. It wouldn't be so frustrating if she and her DP were actually religious!

OP posts:

Original poster

SobranieCocktail · 02/02/2009 14:41

She has also said that she's not going to arrange a stand-in bridesmaid if I can't be there (She wasn't saying that to pressurise me into going at all costs though)

OP posts:

compo · 02/02/2009 14:44

I would be hurt too tbh
Fair enough if the wedding had been booked for 2 years and in that time you had got pregnant
but she could rearrange it if she wanted to

AmIOdetteOrOdile · 02/02/2009 14:47

I'm sorry, but it's her wedding, and it's not like it's your first child. If I was your sister I would probably be a little bit peeved tbh.

And as for doing "the RC thing for DP's family", well that's what marriage is all about isn't it.

So, you may not have been unreasonable at the start, but you are now.

Original poster

SobranieCocktail · 02/02/2009 14:49

Why on earth would my sister be peeved???

OP posts:

LucyEllensmummy · 02/02/2009 14:50

She is being a bridezilla then really isn't she. She is the one with egg on her face if she has no bridesmaid. I can understand not wanting to change the date, and as a catholic myself who is not religious really, i still couldn't get married in a non catholic church - its just something that gets very deeply ingrained in you so i can understand where her dp is coming from.

I guess you just have to look upon it that if you get to go, fantastic, but i suppose unless she really drastically changes the dates, there is the risk you might not be able to make it. There is still a good chance you will be though - just have to make sure you have a good supply of pineapples, curry and do lots of BJs when the baby is due.

Original poster

SobranieCocktail · 02/02/2009 14:50

And why does it matter what number DC it it? If it was my first, third or fifteenth it would still mean that I couldn't go!

OP posts:

AmIOdetteOrOdile · 02/02/2009 14:50

She is planning her wedding. You have just announced you are pregnant and think that should dictate when the wedding is.

elliott · 02/02/2009 14:52

I have to say I would not commit to being teh sole bridesmaid in those circumstances - I'd say, I'll do my very best to get there, but don't count on it happening and don't make arrangements that depend on it. I think she needs to find an alternative (surely she has a friend or two?) and then at least you won't have that pressure on you.
Its unfortunate, I expect you are both disappointed, but as long as you have a good relationship it will be fine.

eNABlemetobebetter · 02/02/2009 14:53

I didn't have a ny bridesmaids just one page boy. It was lovely.

I think the bride doesn't understand about travelling when pregnant/in posession of a newborn but is in the difficult position of wanting to do what her DF wants to do.

The sister has made it clear that date is not doable for her in light of her condition and there are only 2 options -

leave the date as it is but the bride has to accept that her sister most probably won't be there and neither will her family

they reconsider their wedding plans for a date that will suit.

It shouldn't be a choice between sister there and her DP getting the wedding he feels his family want but it seems it is and the new family has to come first.

compo · 02/02/2009 14:54

I didn't read it as OP trying to dictate when the wedding should be
she's just trying to tell her sister that if she has her wedding when she is 9 months pregnant she will not be able to go, or be her bridesmaid
her mum has told her sister to just ignore that fact so she has told her sister the truth, that she is 95% sure she won't be there
there are 365 days a year, do people really need to organise all these momentous occasions for the same time?!!

Original poster

SobranieCocktail · 02/02/2009 14:55

AIOOO - I know that if the boot was on the other foot, I'd do anything to ensure my sister could be at my wedding! She's only just started making arrangements in the last couple of weeks.

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 02/02/2009 14:56

Maybe your sister thinks that if you were TTC you could have not TTC for a couple of months so that there wouldn't be a date clash?

(I have friends who didn't TTC a particular month so they didn't have a baby with a particular star sign )

Surely even a wedding on 17th August would have been difficult for you at 9 months PG?

Did she know you were TTC when she asked you to be bridesmaid?

Apologies if you were not TTC!

I am not trying to stir things but present another view.

I do understand your disappointment, but she is almost certainly disappointed too at having her bridesmaid - and if you were the only one you must have been very important - blowing her out.

As I say, none of this applies if your PG was unplanned.

elliott · 02/02/2009 14:58

I thought she had organised the date before she knew you were pregnant?
Can imagine she is probably at least as upset as you are. I would leave it for now though, if you have made it clear what you can and can't do (not in a blackmailing way) then once she's had time to reflect she might come up with a different solution. Don't enter into the minutiae of what she might or might not consider - just leave it up to her.

LucyEllensmummy · 02/02/2009 14:59

heres a mad thought - could you not arrange to be near the venue when the baby is due? In a holiday cottage? Then at least you wouldn't have to worry about travelling down - im sure its feasable to arrange to have the baby in a maternity unit nearby, you could get some advice from around here - might not be a goer though as you may have to live locally, but no one can garunetee they are going to be local when a little one decides to make an entrance. Of course, it might well be too much for you, just another one of my mad thoughts.

If things work out by murphy's law and you end up missing out, could you have, on standby maybe a small get together after the honeymoon if they are having one to welcome your lovely baby and celebrate their wedding? That way no one really has to miss out, well you will, but it will be less crap - im sure your sister wants you there you know, so you both really don't need to be stressing about this, it will ruin the day for both of you and you will be stressed about the baby coming. You need to sort this, i don't envy you because i don't think either of you are in the wrong. Nor her DP, its the catholic guilt thing, it never ever leaves you

georgimama · 02/02/2009 14:59

Well compo the title of the thread is "am I being unreasonable to ask my sister to change the date of her wedding" and the answer to that IMHO is yes, definitely, you are.

Is the OP being unreasonable to be upset that she can't go? No, of course not.

DandyLioness · 02/02/2009 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AmIOdetteOrOdile · 02/02/2009 15:03

Sobranie, I mentioned the fact it was a third DC because if it was your PFB then I suppose I'd understand where you were coming from a bit more.

Anyhoo - I agree with Elliot - let it lie for a while and see what happens.

(and congrats btw!)

wannaBe · 02/02/2009 15:09

I think yabu.

It is your sister's day, not yours.

Where she is having the wedding is irelevant - if that is where she wants to get married then that is her perogative and you are just using that to make your case for getting your own way imo.

Just how far do you want her to change the wedding by? bearing in mind that being a pregnant bridesmaid isn't really pheasible - once you get to six months or so your size/shape will change dramatically from week to week so dress fittings etc aren't really going to be possible especially if you're far away. Your baby could be two weeks early or two weeks late, in which case you are essentially asking her to change her wedding date to somewhere in October, by which time it starts to get much colder so again this will have a bearing on outfits and photos etc.

I would just tell her that you can't be a bridesmaid and that you will be there if you can.

Book flights for your kids and arrange for them to stay with your parents for a couple of days. That could work out well anyway if you're having your baby by then.

SnowDragon · 02/02/2009 15:15

Now way is the sister being a bridezilla. If the OP were to make a fuss about it, she is in danger of being a Bumpzilla though.

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