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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been upset by DH...

54 replies

Thankyouandgoodnight · 01/02/2009 21:44

2 young kids - 2.1 and 6 months. The baby breast feeds every 2-3 hours at night. I haven't been out much at all since the baby was born.

Some people who we barely know on our street invited us to their party on friday night. I thought it would be good to go but DH said he wasn't bothered so we agreed I would go on my own rather than get a babysitter.

Huge discussion about him saying to go for as long as I liked etc. I walked out of the door at 8:15pm. The baby usually wakes for a feed any time between 10:15 and 11pm. We have ready made formula in the cupboard.

I was so busy trying to 'make friends' and chat to people that I didn't realise the time until 11:30pm and then went home horrified because I knew I'd have to be up loads of times before 6am when i'd have to be up for the day.

Got in to bed. DH still awake but clearly pissed off with me and he turns his back on me.

Baby wakes at 2, 5:30 and up for the day at 6:30am. I get up with both of the kids and leave DH in bed for a lie in (he usually gives me lie-ins but I thought it would be very cheeky to be out at a party and then lie in too). He gets up at 9am. Barely looks at me and then tells me off for not letting him know that I would be missing the evening feed and it was my responsibility and he needed to know to plan his evening and that he had no idea where I was etc. He was completely over the top and I felt like a teenager being told off by my mother. I was gobsmacked. And furious. I told him that he could have texted me if he needed to know anything and that I hadn't noticed the time. He told me it was my responsibility and also basic courtesy.

I was so upset. All the childcare and night feeds without complaining and I go out and am expected to clock watch and decide at time 'x' what I'm doing etc. I totally expected him to assume that he was doing the feed unless I happened to walk through the door.

AIBU?

OP posts:
kitkatqueen · 01/02/2009 21:54

No yanbu, I think sometimes blokes don't actually realise the weight of responibility that sits upon us 24 7 365 and quite frankly you should be entitled to go out for as long as you like. You were only up the road and contactable and only gone for 3hrs and 15 minutes. He should be capable of giving a 6mnth old a bottle of instant formula and he's the one who said go as long as you like.

He could actually have looked upon it as an excellent bonding opportunity with the baby!!

But No!!!

Men!!!

sleeplessinstretford · 01/02/2009 21:55

not at all-the baby is a joint responsibility however you are entitled to a night off and then a morning off to follow it-we have a lie in each at the weekend (i am always up by 10-his goes on until i've been and done the supermarket shop and it's time for baby's lunch (around 12ish) don't feel guilty,he's being a shit (IMHO) and you should be pissed with him rather than vice versa

DunderMifflin · 01/02/2009 21:57

Didn't he say to go for as long as you liked?!

YANBU!

Original poster
Thankyouandgoodnight · 01/02/2009 21:59

I think I am more annoyed by the fact that he thinks that he is right. He always (in my view) reacts bizarrelyandagressively unexpectedly about something and then I'm the bad guy. Other people's husbands seem to be all lovely and loving and generously spirited

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 01/02/2009 21:59

YANBU It's not like you went out clubbing and didn't come home till 7 in the morning. Men can be such complete idiots sometimes.

Why would it be 'cheeky' to go to the party & have a lie in? You give him lie ins AND he chose not to go to the party!!

What exactly did he need to know to plan his evening... that he might have to warm up some ready made formula - big fucking deal. It's not like he was waiting to go out or anything.

WHY is the evening feed your responsibility?? Is it not his baby as well??

He had no idea where you were? LOL Presumably at the house where the party was... the one with lots of lights and music playing... at a rough guess.... or alternatively - on the other end of the fucking mobile phone........DUH

This is the problem when you do too much... the come to expect it. From now on make sure he is doing his fair share and his fair share of taking responsibility too!

Once again why is it your responsibility????

So, in a nutshell, you are not the one being unreasonable

moondog · 01/02/2009 22:00

Christ,what a twat.

pavlovthecat · 01/02/2009 22:01

Even if you did not say you were going out for as long as you liked, they are his children too, you have a life, what plans did he need to make that cannot be changed, seeing as he is there already, and there was formula and you were down the road, not at some club til the wee hours, AND he got a bloody lie-in. The children are not your responsibility, they are yours and your DHs.

YANBU, he is being a complete arse.

IdrisTheDragon · 01/02/2009 22:03

He is being really daft

Original poster
Thankyouandgoodnight · 01/02/2009 22:04

Thank you so much everyone - there is always that moment where you wonder if you are in fact completely mad and have lost a grip on reality and that of course they are right and I should have behaved differently etc....

I told him that I was cross but not why because he has a horrible habit of getting nasty / sarcastic and highly confrontational, which I can never manage very well. To avoid further rows I have said no more. I have another night booked with a friend in a couple of weeks (I am now feeling like a party animal), which will be a quiet dinner in a local pub, so i thought I would specify as I leave that he is responsible for the feed as I don't want to have to clock watch but to have a relaxing time out and I'll text as I'm leaving to come home and that he must text me if he needs to know anything to plan his evening. Do you think that's a reasonable way to make my point clear in a non confrontational way?

OP posts:
sleeplessinstretford · 01/02/2009 22:06

I actually got into a heated debate with the husband of a friend who was being a right twat when she texted to say she'd be home at 12.30 rather than 11.30 one night-i really can't see the difference an hour makes at that time-it's different to saying 'i'll be home in time to do bath and bed' and then being an hour late (although dads can do that too...)at midnight it's not like you're going to have any kind of philosophical discussion or head off out to the supermarket or whatever, he's just jealous and being a twat-you should put him straight

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 01/02/2009 22:07

I wouldn't stand for it. If you've agreed in advance that you're going out for the evening, then childcare through the night and the following morning is HIS responsibility. I'm guessing that at some stage in the last 2.1 years he's been out without you and you keep the kids quiet whilst he sleeps???

You need to stand up to this one and put down a few ground rules, like sharing equal responsibility. The idea that he can't cope with an evening feed for a 6 month old is preposterous.

Personally, I'd wait for him to stop sulking then calmly tell him that he behaved like a git.

moondog · 01/02/2009 22:07

Does he go out?
Does he need to text you to give you instructions on how to deal with the kids?
Thought not.
So why in God's name does he have to do it with yuo?

Now I love my dh dearly but he knows nothing irritates me more than idiotic questions like 'What shall I get him/her to wear' when i am supposed to be having a lie in.

Tell him he is a twat.
From me.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 01/02/2009 22:08

x-posts with yours about your next wild night out LOL. Sounds like a very good plan.

Tortington · 01/02/2009 22:11

i'd be confrontational and call him the twat he is.

instructions on the side of the tin - are you illiterate you stupid cunt.

Original poster
Thankyouandgoodnight · 01/02/2009 22:11

He never thinks ahead about anything, so I suspect what happened (but I don't know for sure) is that he was watching TV / faffing on the computer and then baby woke and he felt pressurised to get a bottle ready suddenly etc and got in a flap / just annoyed in prinicple that i'd put him in that position or because I assumed that he would do it without asking him. This is the same man who went out yonks ago but promised to get up with the then only baby in the morning, rocked in at 4am and fell asleep on the sofa and not only didn't get up with the baby but cancelled work the next day and spent the day in bed sleeping. I rocketed him because he didn't acknowledge that he was going back on his promise to me and he declared me in the wrong and unreasonable. I was pregnant, cripplingly tired all the time and would have given anything to spend all day in bed.

OP posts:
moondog · 01/02/2009 22:13

God.
Words fail me.

Original poster
Thankyouandgoodnight · 01/02/2009 22:15

BUT to be fair - he rarely goes out and if he does it's with work. He works long hours and is around 1000% with the kids at weekends and pitches in 'proper' as it were. It's just these isolated events that floor me and leave me feeling utterly shit.

OP posts:
MaryMotherOfCheeses · 01/02/2009 22:15

Hmm.

You know on a weekend, a normal one. Do you split the lie ins? ie, one each?

Original poster
Thankyouandgoodnight · 01/02/2009 22:16

Oh and he was a total arse for the first 4 weeks of baby's life and constantly jibing at me and being generally unpleasant. Or was he? Was it my hormones? Was it his? I thought I was feeling fine and thoroughly enjoying the babymoon......it's so hard to get perspective.

OP posts:
OrangeKnickers · 01/02/2009 22:17

He just sounds like a typical bloke, I would just explain it again in a non-threatening way. Ask him exactly what he needs from you to feel comfy with you going out. My dh gets cross if he's left without enough info.

But it does sound like you are shouldering more than your share of the kids burden. Good luck!

Original poster
Thankyouandgoodnight · 01/02/2009 22:18

On a normal weekend with DC1, we used to split - he'd lie in on a saturday and me on a sunday.

Now because DC2 tends to be too damn busy at night, he gives me the vast majority of lie ins but I do leap up if I'm not feeling sick with tiredness when the day starts.

OP posts:
sleeplessinstretford · 01/02/2009 22:18

they can all be utter twats though can't they? mine on my lie in will dress her like something out of a redcross appeal,and bring her into the bedroom while he gets dry after his shower and then wonder why i am fucked off that she's mounted the bed and is doing hop little bunnies on my pillow....

Original poster
Thankyouandgoodnight · 01/02/2009 22:19

That should say crawl leap

OP posts:
MaryMotherOfCheeses · 01/02/2009 22:19

But don't treat him like a child. You're not his parent. If you pander to him needing enough information, you're acting like his mum. He's a grown up. He should know how to produce a suitable bottle of milk.

pgwithnumber3 · 01/02/2009 22:20

FFS is this the night of the Twatty DH's tonight?

YANBU, you know you're not and tell him to fucking grow up.