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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hubby thinks I am (sorry bit long)

26 replies

Indiechick · 29/01/2009 11:32

I have been with DH now for six years, we are married and have two beautiful dd's. Before DH I was in a relationship with a guy for eight years. He painted a nude picture of me that I have. I didn't pose for the picture, he just painted it from memory. Picture is now on top of a wardrobe in an envelope and I haven't looked at it for years. Last night DH found it and said he's really upset I still have it, and wants me to throw it away. Should I? I don't look at it, but it is special to me, not because I still want to be with ex but it's of me and it was a gift and I guess I still like the fact that I have it, no-one before or since has ever painted me. DH thinks I'm being unreasonable and should get rid. What do you think?

OP posts:
Kimi · 29/01/2009 11:37

It is your picture, a part of you past from before DH, you keep it. Put is somewhere else and tell him you threw it away is he is going to be a baby about it.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 29/01/2009 11:38

Um.... difficult one. I think, if it upsets your DH that much I'd get rid. It is a very intimate thing to have, more so because it's 'from memory'.....

So, yes, I do think you are being a bit unreasonable...

Wizzska · 29/01/2009 11:41

Your DH should get over it and stop being so insecure. It isn't as if its a picture of your previous bf's cock is it.

Flibbertyjibbet · 29/01/2009 11:41

It seems a shame to just 'throw away' something that is hand done and is of you.
I can understand dps not liking you keeping it, cos its a pic of you naked by another man who knew you intimately.
Can you give it to a good friend to keep for you - you never know it might be worth £££ if the artist gets famous!

beanieb · 29/01/2009 11:42

of for gods sake, why on earth should anyone throw away anything from their past if they don't want to. It's the past. I hate this idea that all photos and momentoes from a previous life should be thrown out for the sake of a new partner.

Could you put it away somewhere, the loft? It's not like you are displaying it (Though IMO you have every right to if you want to) and it's a picture of you not of the ex so what is his problem really!?

YANBU! not at all.

CountessDracula · 29/01/2009 11:43

yanbu

fizzledizzle · 29/01/2009 11:43

i would keep it. one of my ex bf was an artist and drew several line drawings of me which i still have. my dh understand that they are from a differant time but are still special to me. (they are also a nice reminder that i didnt always have the body of a mum of 2)

laweaselmys · 29/01/2009 11:43

I think you should absolutely keep it. Art like that is a very personal gift from a long relationship which was obviously an important part of your life and while I can understand your DP being a bit fazed by it that doesn't justify throwing it out! I would suggest you do something symbolic for him, like pack it up (carefully wrapped) in a box with old diaries and mementoes or whatever and put it in the attic to make it clear that while that part of your life is totally over, you still remember it fondly (as you have every right to!).

Brangelina · 29/01/2009 11:44

YANBU. I still have love letters, drawings and photos from old boyfriends and DP wouldn't even contemplate asking me to get rid of them. Similarly, I've not made a fuss over gifts from his ex wife.

The picture is yours, it has sentimental value for you, your DH is being exceptionally petulant over this and should get over it. OK maybe don't hang it over the mantelpiece but definitely keep it. You'll regret it if you do throw it away.

plantsitter · 29/01/2009 11:44

Difficult one 'cos if DP had something similar it would drive me wild with jealousy but I think it's the kind of thing you would really regret throwing away - and I don't think you should.

Do you have a sister or a trusted friend you can leave it with or, as Kimi suggested, a better hiding place?

VinegarTits · 29/01/2009 11:45

No you shouldnt get rid of it, its personable to you and a painting of you, you will be able to look back at it in your old age and see how your body was once pictured by someone who cared for you

You dh is being an insecure prat and needs to get over it

Dominique07 · 29/01/2009 11:47

I think you'd better find somewhere really safe to hide it.

I understand that of course you would want to keep it.
And then I know that he would probably feel jealous about it (maybe he can't bear to think of him painting you, and maybe he can't paint very well so he couldn't out-do your ex's efforts!) It does sound like a Very romantic gift.

So until he cools down its not going to be worth trying to convince him.

Just tell him you're going to give it to your sister/best mate to keep under the bed, all wrapped up so no one can see, because you don't want to destroy a painting of yourself. You can both decide what to do with it in a few years time? At least he knows you aren't sneaking peaks at it if its not in the house.

pamelat · 29/01/2009 11:47

Please dont throw it away, it would be a shame to lose it.

Ask Dh whether he wants you to return it to ex-boyf? probably not.

Its the past. You were a different person and one day you will want to look back and see how great you looked naked!

I once smashed a photo frame because my DH's ex girlfriend (with a bit of over lap with me) had bought it him and still feel guilty to this day. It was mid drunken row but even so , a long long time ago.

unavailable · 29/01/2009 11:50

YANBU. Dont throw it away, and dont lie to him and hide it. Just tell him you are sorry he is upset, but it is your picture, and you intend to keep it.

( I could understand if it was a naked picture OF your ex, but not BY him.)

MadMarg · 29/01/2009 11:51

I can see both sides here. It is very intimate, yes, but the fact that the painting no longer in existence won't change the past, or the fact that you were with this guy for 8 years, will it.

I suspect you value it for different reasons to the reasons your DH doesn't like the fact that you have it. If it had been a painting done by someone who you hadn't been in a relationship with, would he be as bothered with it?

At the end of the day, what you do about it depends I guess it just depends how strongly each of you feel about it.

fruitbeard · 29/01/2009 11:56

YANBU - does your DH think you arrived in a box with no history or experience? All of that went to make you the person you are, the person he fell in love with, so why would he want you to deny/get rid of any of it?

DH has a hand-made copy of one of his favourite books, The Little Prince, that his last girlfriend before me made him, her own translation of the original French with her own drawings. She's really talented. It's beautiful.

I hate it. I hate that he has something so personal and lovely that he loves and it wasn't ME that made it for him

But I would never make him get rid of it. It reminds him of when he was a student, living in France with her, and that's really important to him.

I have to get over myself and respect his right to a past.

And so does your DH.

SmallShips · 29/01/2009 12:00

YANBU. Keep it and put it out of sight.

GYoIsReallyHavingABaby · 29/01/2009 12:06

YANBU- stick to your guns and keep the picture. I dont get why people have issues with ex partner items.

People smash things and get jealous- jealous of what exactly?

We've got pics of my DH and his ex on our PC hardrive (they were together 10yrs and had a lot of holidays)- I dont expect him to delete them and they are part of his life. I dont look at them, although I could if I wanted...
Everyone has a past and I hate the idea that its should be erased to pander to someone else's insecurity.

I am very sad that I am not in touch with my ex of 6yrs but he makes it clear that he cant stay in touch- suspect his new wife is of the "jealous type". His bad luck really!

SugarSpike · 29/01/2009 12:15

YANBU, if its not on display it shouldnt be a problem, its something personal to you so keep it. Its not like if you bin it all of a sudden that past is wiped out and ure ex is gonna suddenly forget wot you look like intimately.

tiggerlovestobounce · 29/01/2009 12:18

YANBU. I think your DH needs to try and be a little less insecure.

CaptainKarvol · 29/01/2009 12:18

I don't think you are being unreasonable to want to keep your picture. I do think asking you to get rid of it is unreasonable. BUT, sometimes people are unreasonable. And sometimes it is worth giving in to an unreasonable demand if it is genuinely upsetting the other person to the point where they can't cope with it.

This is speaking as someone whose entirely unreasonable DH found my past relationships almost impossible to cope with. I got rid of all photos, diaries, momentos for his benefit, for his sake. I still have my memories, nothing has changed, but as a gesture that he needed (albeit very unreasonably) to see me make, for me, it has been worth it. It hasn't changed me, but it has helped him to cope.

Jux · 29/01/2009 12:24

I think he should get over himself. He's had past relationships too and almost certainly has stuff that holds memories for him.

Could you suggest that if your ex gets famous then your pic could be worth a lot, and it would be worth hanging on to for that reason alone?

bleh · 29/01/2009 12:37

Maybe just ask him whether he'd prefer you or your ex to have said naked picture of yourself? That might put it in perspective

mamas12 · 29/01/2009 19:19

Good comment bleh. Keep it! End of.
yanbu

MiserableMama · 29/01/2009 19:37

Keep it.

I just asked me DH what he thinks and he said he would be okay with it if I had a picture like that because it's in the past and we are married now.