to be upset that my Dh has told me he doesn't want to be married anymore?

[megmums]

I have been married for nearly 2 years, DD was born in the same year. My Dh worked away and we lived apart for 6 years apart from when he came home on rest days. When DD was born we decided to move to be nearer his job, as it was difficult and putting a strain on our marriage. So we sold our house, bought a new one over a hundred miles away from all of our family. A few months later Dh tells me that he can't bear to be married anymore, he has felt crushed since we moved here, he needs space, and misses the freedom he had before we made the big move. We had been arguing a bit, but this took me by complete shock. It has been a week now, I'm still here, but not seeing him much as he works shifts. What should I do, should I be patient and wait to see if he can accept his increased responsibilities now he has his wife and daughter with him full time, or should I accept what he says and leave him? He can't cope with our daughter disrupting his sleep etc... I don't know what to do!

He sounds like he needs a lot more time to get used to it. It's way too early to be making such hasty decisions.

Don't leave just ease off on each other a bit.

Gosh, how awful for you
If your husband wants to be a husband and father then this is reality, I'm afraid. He sounds like he can't adjust, maybe because he it was thrust upon him as it were and he suddenly had a family life full time.
Whatever, how upsetting for you.
How do you feel about him?
How old is your daughter?

I'm sorry you are suffering in this way. There is no way that you are being unreasonable.

I don't think its a case of you leaving him, but more him leaving you. Its not as if its you who is running away from the marriage. Frankly I think its him who should move out of the family house not you, unless of course you want to move back to be nearer to your family.

Is it an option for you to go to relate, so if you do divorce then at least its done amicably. Or if that fails prehaps you need to find a good solititor who can make sure you get a good settlement.

Our daughter is 13 months old, she is lovely, such a good girl. I am so angry, but i want to stay calm and rational for her sake. I want to make this work, for all of us, but i don't think he feels the same. He is the kind of person who prefers to ignore a problem and hope it goes away....

I would have to move back to where we came from, I don't have any family or friends here (apart from new work colleagues). We have a huge mortgage, and with house prices dropping, we can't afford to sell at the moment, and we uses all of our savings moving here in the first place.

Poor you. Giving you a big cuddle. You need to sit down and have a talk about things. Maybe he is tired and emotional and lashing out? Maybe he needs some time to readjust. He is being a selfish git though.

Oh yes very selfish. I can tell he wants me to make it easy for him and leave, so then he can say that I left him and took his daughter, when the reality is he would prefer to be on his own. Think he is going through a pre-mid life crisis, just turned 30, can't cope with growing old...thinks this is my life now forever, and he finds it all very boring.

OK, its as straightforward as this really isn't it. If he walks away from his marriage he is walking away from his little girl - you need to make this crystal clear to him that if you split you will be moving to be nearer your family. NOT that i am suggesting for one little minute that you stay just because of your DD. But i think he needs a bit of a short sharp shock - maybe you could move home for a bit? If this is just colywobbles then he will soon come to his senses, if not - you had lost him anyway FWIW, i do sympathise with BOTH of you - being a parent is so hard, especially at this young age but it DOES get better, hang on to that. My DP is a wonderful father, but he has openly said to me that he enjoys DD much more now she is a toddler and can interact with him more - men need it too be simple bless em. There are times when I miss the freedom i had before DD. That i wish i could just do something on the spur of the moment, that im not so fecking tired all the time, that i had some money etc etc etc - ALL parents feel like it at some point, at lots of points.

I really think you two would benefit from counselling. Has he said to you he doesn't love you? Or is it that he feels overwhelmed by parenthood and everything else that has happened recently. I bet you miss your family too and maybe he feels the same, except he has let the voices in his had that tell him it would be easier to walk away, to wheedle him down.

Such a shit time for you, SO sorry you have had to go through this - we nearly split up and we had been together for 14 years before DD, lived together for 10. EVERYTHING changed, but we held on, mostly because what we had was so good and things are getting better - things are still hard, mostly due to tiredness but its easier now, we enjoy DD together (really important) but we probably could do with more time alone. Not easy though is it. I have a friend who's hubby agreed to stay until their DS2 was three (thought that was the hardest bit for mum) and then leave - DS2 is 15 now, they are still together and VERY happy! You CAN get through this, but you have to work at it, and im sorry to say, you have to both want it.

My friend has just had similar, in that her dh decided he didn't love her any more....

She fled the family home and I was worried that he might fleece her. But they went to bank the other day to split their finances. And HER mum was going on about her life being ruined and that she couldn't remarry and have more children (being catholic )..... but I digress

Anyway, I appreciate your predicament and would advise what I suggested to my friend. Take it easy and both of you need to go to Family Mediation, which might help him to see he wants to save his marriage but if it doesn't, it will help you both to make the split as amicable and easy as possible.

Would he go to Family Mediation?

Thanks so much for your advice. He says he still loves me, but he feels tied down now. He is a good father, but I agree with what you said about your husband finding it better when your baby can interact - he always says he can't wait for her to start walking (she's nearly there!) and can tell him what is wrong when she wakes up crying at night. He thinks that I am an excellent mother, he has always praised the job that I do, and admits that I cope much better than him.

It doesn't help that things haven't gone well since we moved here. I found my job very difficult at first, our cat got ill and died just after Christmas, and our daughter has picked up lots of ear infections from being in nursery. He also finds his job pointless at the moment, and has applied for other posts in the same company, but hasn't been successful yet. All this on top of being away from family and friends puts a lot of pressure on us. I have been unhappy, but my job is getting better, and I don't want to give up on it, or my marriage.

I haven't suggested counselling yet, but as a man who finds it very hard to talk about his feelings, I don't think he would be up for it.

He says he still loves you so I think it's worth salvaging(is that how you spell it. Doesn't look right)

Being married is so difficult, but i guess it would be the same if we hadn't said those vows. I do wonder how people spend their whole lives together without ending up hating eachother?!!!

Megmums this sounds positive to me.

He obviously still loves you and is just having his own issues with his sudden loss of freedom. It must be difficult for you both to go from spending so much apart to the constant pressure you feel in the first year of parenthood.

My husband is a great dad (and husband) but he also has times when he lashes out and says that he hates being married. However things are much better now that DS is older (nearly 3). He did his bit in the first year or so but much more out of duty than anything else and really struggled with the lack of sleep and constant demands (actually who am I kidding, he still does .. we just get more sleep . Now he really enjoys DS and the family time we spend together.

It sounds as though he is having a hard time and lashing out at the one thing he can do something about (bizarre logic but there you go).

I'm sure this hasn't been much help but he sounds like a decent, if a little feckless, chap and worth trying to sort things out.

Does he have any friends with older children that he can talk to? Brothers?

He doesn't have any brothers, but he has some work colleagues with children, who I know he talks about our daughter to, but not sure how much detail he goes into with them about how he is feeling. I really think he finds parenthood too much, he really loves her so much, but it is all new, and puts such pressure on both of us, but he feels it more than i.

I guess if he's used to only being a parent part time then the sleep depravation has really hit him if you are altogther all the time.

I'm not making excuses for a second, he made choices to become a husband 'for better or worse' - well maybe this is your worse and he needs to suck it up a little and be a man rather than hoping you'll go away and leave him in peace.

The reason he feels the difficulties of parenthood more than you is that he's been so part time until recently. You have had more time with DD to adjust, maybe give it some time and he'll get used to it?

Meg I'm in a similar situation and on the other side of the world to my family and friends. DH has pretty much indicated that he doesn't enjoy life as a dad (he works in the music industry where everyone goes out all the time, gets drunk etc). DD is almost 2 and is the most amazing little girl. I love her to bits and I think he does too. But its the separation from the shoulders to cry on thats the problem. He has told me to "go home" if I'm not happy - which is a huge statement to make considering he would be giving up not only me but DD too. I think its a trait in men to say things before they think about the aftermath.
I honestly think that you will be ok. You're both under a lot of pressure financially and with DD being so young, you're probably both sapped of energy too.
Could you go away on your own with DD for a long weekend to see family or friends? May help. Sometimes time apart can resolve a lot of issues.
Hope it all works out for you.

I agree with LEM

I think what he's really saying is that he still wants and loves you and hid dd, but he doesn't want you both 'full time' so to speak.

IMO he wants to go back to the part time arangement- he wants to be a husband and father when it suits him and wants his freedom too (cake and eat it spring to mind!)

You need to make it clear to him that this is not an option, that you are together or your not, that if you end the marriage you will be moving back to your family and his 'free' time will then be spent travelling to see his daughter at arranged contact times.

Ask him if he really wants it to be the end, if he'll be happy with you meeting someone else, with his daughter having a new step-father

I don't think he's really thought any of this through and you need to spell it out to him so he can really decide what he wants

My guess is when he realises what he'll be losing he'll decide to work on things, but at least you'll know either way

At the moment I feel too scared to approach him about our 'problems', as he is having a very bad time in work, and i know me bringing it all up again will push him over the edge. Am trying to be as calm and reasonable as possible, however difficult that may be!