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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do you manage going out with friends who are considerably richer/poorer than yow?

72 replies

Wonderstuff · 27/01/2009 18:21

Went to dinner with a friend last night, we dont see each other often and for various reasons i had a little extra cash and so made a trip to London and met her (hour on the train). She lives there and met me from work, asked what I wanted to eat and (first mistake coming up) I said nothing fancy, but I'm easy really, leaving the decision up to her as she knows the area but implying that it should be cheap?? I was thinking £20 a head max, which I guess I should have said, but in my world thats a normal amount to spend on mid-week food. She earns 4x my salary, and I dont begrudge her it for a moment, she works bloody hard for it, but obviously my idea of cheap and hers are a bit different. We went to a lovely restrant, and decided to order a bottle of wine, I got her to choose, as she knows about these things and I just get the not quite cheapest bottle (another mistake) I assumed that she would get one of the 3 or 4 on the list that were under 20 quid, but she picked a £25 pound bottle! I would only ever spend that sort of money normally on a really special occasion. It was lovely and the food was really nice, in the end the bill was £30 a head, which we split down the middle, totally reasonable for the venue/food/wine, but a bit more than I had intended to pay. We decided, a bit carried away after the wine, to go for a drink at the nearby pub where she started looking at the cocktail list, at which point I said 'do you know what i've run out of cash' and she treated me. She is lovely and very generous with presents but when we go out I really want to pay my way because I really don't want to come across as cheap or let her feel like she has to fork out to subsidse me, but at the same time I really can't afford to see her often as the evening, when you count in the train fare cost me a weeks food money.

So AIBU to think a - £30 is quite a lot to spend on mid-week dinner
b- to have got her to pay for last round
c- any ideas on how to maintain friendship whilst not appearing tight but not going into debt either?

OP posts:

GivePeasAChance · 27/01/2009 18:24

Can't you just talk about it and come to an agreement?

Seems like you have a huge white elephant ..........and it needs identifying for future events.

luckylady74 · 27/01/2009 18:28

I wouldn't bring it up - that could be an excruciating conversation. I would just engineer cheaper nights - eg I would invite her round for a home cooked meal, meet at the cinema and so on.

gingernutlover · 27/01/2009 18:29

I think yes £30 is a lot to spend per head on dinner (me and dh frequent the local 2 for £10 lol), the wine was most of that yeah?

I think she offered to treat you because she wanted to, so not unreasonable.

as for next time just say, well i've got £X to spend tonight so where do you know thats nice for that? Just be honest. I'm sure your company is far more important to her than where you go.

IamLeticiaDean · 27/01/2009 18:31

It is a difficult one. A group of DH's friends are loaded and we have to take this into consideration when going out with them. We often skip the Xmas meal get together as we can't quite cope with what they are willing to spend at that time of year.

I would say that you should not feel bad about letting her pay for the last round, you paid your way at dinner so you are not tight.

laweaselmys · 27/01/2009 18:35

Don't feel bad about how you handled the money (it was fine) the best thing to do is to be honest about how much you can spend in a night and not go over it.

A good friend will find ways to accommodate you within your limits.

However, it might be nice to take her somewhere cheaper and show her that you can have a great time for less.

NotQuiteCockney · 27/01/2009 18:37

Hmmm ... I have friends with less disposable cash. I never pick expensive places to go. But then, we never really eat out. I make sure I buy rounds more than they do ...

Original poster

Wonderstuff · 27/01/2009 18:42

Setting a budget sounds good..

OP posts:

Bubbaluv · 27/01/2009 18:48

If we end up somewhere that is more expensive than our friends would have chosen, then my DH always insists on doing the maths with the bill at the end of the meal and we subsidise our friends.

Bubbaluv · 27/01/2009 18:50

Or we make it clear that we want to take them out.

Drum · 27/01/2009 18:52

If she earns lots then the place she took you to may well be cheap as chips in her mind. You only paid £17 per head for good food which is great for London, so it seems that she made an effort for you.

I think that luckylady's idea about engineering cheaper nights is a good one. She is your friend, so be honest with her. If she loves you and wants to see you then she won't care whether you go out or not.

Good luck

Wintersun · 27/01/2009 18:53

We always go somewhere reasonable as there are mixed earners in our group.
We sometimes end up at Pizza Express. Its the company that counts and everyone always has a good time.

I wouldn't mention it now but don't be embarassed to say something next time you arrange a meet up or suggest somewhere yourself.

lazyemma · 27/01/2009 19:07

Sounds like you dealt with the situation fine on the night, but if you want to avoid the same thing happening again, I agree with some of the others about setting a budget beforehand.

geordieminx · 27/01/2009 19:11

Sorry for the hijack but - LazyEmma - how the devil are you? Havent seen you in ages!

chelsygirl · 27/01/2009 19:16

try to agree a budget first

stephla · 27/01/2009 19:18

Your friend probably doesn't budget as she doesn't need to. So the onus is probably on you. Maybe do a bit of research to find a good deal before you go see her and then suggest you do that.

Last week I went to a chain called Leon and it was great. The bill was £20 for both of us. (We did drink beer not wine). We then went to the National Theatre where we had bought bargain tickets for £10 each.

It was a great night out that could easily have cost £100 if we hadn't been watching the pennies.

www.leonrestaurants.co.uk/index.htm

Original poster

Wonderstuff · 27/01/2009 19:21

Oh that sounds good stephla, where did you find out about the bargin tickets for the national?

OP posts:

DwayneDibbley · 27/01/2009 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

oranges · 27/01/2009 19:27

Look on a website called toptable.co.uk - it lists menues of loads of restaurants and has really good deals, like eat for a tenner or two for one, so next time, just organise something through that.

paolosgirl · 27/01/2009 19:27

I have a friend whose husband earns a lot, so there is a tremendous amount of disposable wealth, and she is mixing increasingly with women who are not short of a penny. I just can't compete, and it has meant that over the years we've drifted apart a bit. It's very sad, but it was also getting a bit embarrassing as the kids would want to know why we couldn't do everything my friend wanted to do.
We do tend to do cheaper things as well, but I'm aware that I am her 'poor' friend, and it's mortifying. Fortunately I have other friends who are just as skint, so tend to see them more now.

ScottishMummy · 27/01/2009 19:31

friends should be able to be straight about money and not let it impinge upon friendship/ i have friends from uni an we are mixed income group,all having different careers.we always agree upon moderate/medium price or 2 for 1,special deals etc.so no one is left feeling stretched by money

when we all met no one had a pot to piss in,and hey no point chucking money about

so returning to op,i imagine if one is used to £25 plonk then maybe just habit to select.rather than thoughtless

but be frank,use honesty and humour.she's a good friend you value the bon viveur together,not just the flashing the cash

i remember went on a work night out,as student.skint and stuck to cheap starter cheap main no sweet.others (loaded) ordered full cahona,cocktails etc.then split the bill. i was too scared to pipe up.had to cough up.a month eating value beans.

Original poster

Wonderstuff · 27/01/2009 19:35

Dwayne at your friend, that is bang out, I wouldn't dream of letting guests fork out for whole supermarket run!

Said friend has got much better a few years ago I pointed out to her that you are 'broke' when you actually don't have any money and start putting the food shop on credit, you are not 'broke' when you can't afford to eat out because you are saving up for a really expensive holiday LOL

I also think I am now better at not being jealous, I wouldn't swop with her for twice her salary.

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 27/01/2009 19:36

I went out to dinner last week. No starter, no pudding, and I asked for tap water. I'm nice like that. People need to be sensitive to the person they're with. It's not very hard.

LadyMuck · 27/01/2009 19:45

It's tricky isn't it. Tbh if I was in your friend's shoes I would have found it hard to guess that you would have been happy spending £20 and not £30. I guess that you should have either mentioned something at the point of choosing the restaurant (many have a restaurant available outside) or by choosing the wine. If you were really neutral to both of those it is hard to know what clue your friend should have picked up on. If I am really uncertain as to my friend's position and think that they might be on the skint side then I'd usually invite them round.

I think that if you are the one who is budget-constrained then you need to do more of the leading/taking control. I wouldn't be able to guess at a friend's budget that easily. I don't think that £30 a head is unreasonable in London esp if alcohol is involved.

Ronaldinhio · 27/01/2009 19:48

mmm what you earn doesn't necessarily correlate with what you spend.
I have a friend and she and her dh spend as though they are lottery millionaires..consistently order the most expensive things on the menu £80-£100 bottles of wine ordered.
We take the piss mercilessly and often meet for drinks after food.

I was a bit by Dwayne as I've certainly said things like that about bags and clothing in the past and not thought that it would have hurt anyones feelings.

I think being upfront about money takes all emotion from it and stops it from holding back friendships

Almeida · 27/01/2009 19:54

yanbu to think £30 is alot for a dinner or have her get the drinks in. You had alreadt forked out for your trainfare.

Could she visit you? or could you meet fr afternoon tea?

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