How do you manage going out with friends who are considerably richer/poorer than yow?

[Wonderstuff]

Went to dinner with a friend last night, we dont see each other often and for various reasons i had a little extra cash and so made a trip to London and met her (hour on the train). She lives there and met me from work, asked what I wanted to eat and (first mistake coming up) I said nothing fancy, but I'm easy really, leaving the decision up to her as she knows the area but implying that it should be cheap?? I was thinking £20 a head max, which I guess I should have said, but in my world thats a normal amount to spend on mid-week food. She earns 4x my salary, and I dont begrudge her it for a moment, she works bloody hard for it, but obviously my idea of cheap and hers are a bit different. We went to a lovely restrant, and decided to order a bottle of wine, I got her to choose, as she knows about these things and I just get the not quite cheapest bottle (another mistake) I assumed that she would get one of the 3 or 4 on the list that were under 20 quid, but she picked a £25 pound bottle! I would only ever spend that sort of money normally on a really special occasion. It was lovely and the food was really nice, in the end the bill was £30 a head, which we split down the middle, totally reasonable for the venue/food/wine, but a bit more than I had intended to pay. We decided, a bit carried away after the wine, to go for a drink at the nearby pub where she started looking at the cocktail list, at which point I said 'do you know what i've run out of cash' and she treated me. She is lovely and very generous with presents but when we go out I really want to pay my way because I really don't want to come across as cheap or let her feel like she has to fork out to subsidse me, but at the same time I really can't afford to see her often as the evening, when you count in the train fare cost me a weeks food money.

So AIBU to think a - £30 is quite a lot to spend on mid-week dinner
b- to have got her to pay for last round
c- any ideas on how to maintain friendship whilst not appearing tight but not going into debt either?

How awkward. But there's no way around being honest.

I have one friend who elevates living on a shoestring to an art form. When we see each other, I make it cheerfully but indisputably clear that it's my treat if we want to go somewhere that would be beyond her. If she's not in the mood to be treated, we cook at home or have sandwiches in the park.

On the other end of the scale I am friends with a couple who make absolutely stupid money. Nobody will go out with them any more because they think absolutely nothing of dropping 400 quid a head for a Tuesday night dinner. I feel a bit sorry for them - I don't think they have twigged that nobody else thinks that's a reasonable amount to spend on getting a bite after work, and that's why it's always just the two of them.

I've cooled off seeing some of our friends in London for this very reason, I can't stand their "I'm skint" attitude when that means not being able to go out for dinner 3x per week or on huge benders at the weekend with £50 pound rounds in dull as shite pubs full of financial types bleating on. Not for me it's boring.

We could probably afford it now and again but I don't want to spend my hard earned cash on that.

When they come here they want to go out for meals all the time (manc can be pretty expensive too) and just don't "get" that i think it's a waste of money and boring for dd to be sat in restaurants for hours on end with a loead of adults.

One friend goes for £40 pilates classes in islington ffs!! And complans she can't get her hair done as much as she'd like, I nkow I'm drifting from the topic but some people seem to lose touch with reality after a while and it grates.

Another friedn of mine who earns double my salary is incredibly generous to the point of me feeling embarrassed, she says it's cos I took her out for curries when we first met and the situation was reversed, she was black listed being threatened with eviction and she says she'll never forget me feeding her and not asking for the cash!! But curries in Rusholme at the time were cheaper than chips!

I think that our trouble is that there isn't such a huge apparent difference berween our incomes. But we live in the SE and I'm a SAHM, and we didn't buy a house 10 years ago, so we pay massive rent, rather than a tiny mortgage.

We can afford to split the bill and do the stuff that they want, but it means nothing to their finances and a serious pulling in the belt after for ours. I don't know a nice way to say "haven't you noticed that we always order the cheapest thing from the menu and tap water to drink?". I'd really rather not split the bill, but they are lovely friends and I wouldn't want to lose them.

You see I don't understand this
"I'd really rather not split the bill, but they are lovely friends and I wouldn't want to lose them. "

If they are lovely friends then they won't mind you saying "do you mind if we just pay for what we order?" there is no way this situation would make them dump you as friends if you are true friends.

(conversely maybe they should notice you only order the cheapest thing on the menu but I know I wouldn't I would rather my friends just TOLD me)

I suppose that it would just be awkward. I have no doubt that they wouldn't dump us, but we don't see them that often and I wouldn't want to cause a difficult situation when we do. Plus DH would be seriously embarrassed if they knew that we didn't have as much money. Even though, let's face it, it should be obvious that someone paying rent in the SE wouldn't have as much money as someone with a 10 year old mortgage anywhere else in the country.

Argh, it's a minefield.

ok well look at it this way, feel how embaressed and awkward your friends will feel if they ever do find out that you have been overspending on meals with them because you were too embaressed to say something. I would be mortified to find out a friend of mine felt she couldn't tell me when she found a joint activity too expensive but just kept quiet.

A long time ago I was in your friend's position. My net income was something like 5x my outgoings and I had money to burn. None of my friends were in a similar position - many of them were really struggling to make ends meet. I didn't care, I could afford to pay, they couldn't. The pleasure of their company was what I wanted.

I have also been in your position. Almost all of my friends have treated me. I have said "I'm broke I can't afford that", they have all of them replied "you used to treat me, now it's my turn to treat you."

Next time you arrange to meet up, just say that you need to keep it under whatever amount. She can either choose to treat you, or to go along with your budget.

Just remember when your positions are reversed to treat her!

I think everyone has concluded being up front is the way to go. If they are friends worth having, thy will except your circumstances.
Trying to keep up with a friend who finacially earns more, is just exhausting and not fun, this in turn will leave a sour taste and discourage you in the long run from staying in contact.
I speak from experience, I lost contact with a friend by not owning up to the fact the Nobu prices of meals were killing me and I would personally rather spend that kind of money on something else. (Like a new bag!)

In my group - we tailor what we do socially so that is affordable to the least well off amongst us. It's pretty openly discussed - what we can and cannot afford to do.

Sorry but yabu you asked her to choose the venue with no indication of budget! If you want to restrain the expenditure then you need to suggest pizza express or whatever. Equally silly to let her choose the wine if you only wanted to choose the cheapest cvouple on the menu.

If I am going out with friends who don't have much cash I just make sure we got somewhere where it is possible to get snacky stuff to eat ( like a tapas bar who soemwherethat does 'light bite stuff) so we can eat as we want to but it doesn't turn into a huge meal that we have to worry about.
I always try to get a round in while my friend is in the loo and I often try to offer to pay as tackfully as I can.

It is sometimes hard because if you offer to pay you risk being flash but if you don't then you look tight.

I did have one friend who always had forgotten her purse and would pay me back next time. It was a kind of joke because we both new she hadn't forgotten and she wouldn't pay me back but I really didn't mind. I preferred her company and , as she was broke, that she spent any cash she did have on her DS. She used to take my DD out for the afternoon and do fantastic all day picnics in the park etc which I always thought was more than repayment.

FWIW £30 is pretty cheap here to actually

I don't think that yabu to want to go somewhere cheaper, but it's not her fault that you have different ideas about what constitutes cheap...I think I would think along similar lines for myself, based on my income etc.

I think you should be able to arrange to go cheaper places, and don't see why you can't be upfront with her about it...she will probably understand, especially when you factor in train fares, which are pretty expensive, and the fact that you are prepared to spend time travelling in to London to see her, and then traipse back home late at night on your own.

i think you just have to say you're on a budget. Hell you'll be in good company with a good percentage of the UK population when this recession starts to get a better hold and we all wake up and smell the coffee!

I dont think that £30 is bad when you had wine (expensive wine too) but I think it is inconsiderate of her to not think about your budget. Presumably she knows that you earn less?

I am quite up front about money with my friends. Some of my friends are very cash rich (good jobs, no kids yet) and some are mature students with no money at all, taking lodgers in to meet the mortgage.

I always try to consider who I am out with before deciding where to eat, and I would hope that they would do the same with me. Before having DD we were comfortable and could go anywhere within reason but now DH has lost his job and I am off work and only going back part time, so things are tough (compared to how they were).

I do get a bit annoyed with friends who order champagne and expect the bill to just be split (when we have not had any) but I would say something now, otherwise they arent really people to call friends if you cant be upfront.

course KM
How are you darlin?

( DS2 is gettingupset as I am on 'comtupa' so shall track you down tomorrow. In non stalker like way )

sorry to resurrect this - I've only just noticed that geordieminx said hello and I rudely ignored her! Hello geordieminx - I'm really well thanks. How about you and your wee boy?

Surely the credit crunch sorted this out.

Being affluent is deeply unfashionable. Next time just tell them you've lost everything by getting back into banking stocks too early and as a result you can barely afford a waitrose microwave curry and they'll be instantly impressed.

Poor is the new rich....

op...I think, and someone has already made the point already, that your friend probably didn't really made the connection of £20 being alright and £30 being to much...iykwim.
For London, I suppose £30 midweek with a bottle of wine is rather reasonable...which I why I would never want to live there,lol!

I do think, as she is your friend, you should be able to talk to her...even in a backhand way...what with you (whatever your situation is right now)...could we go to something very simply like...
or invite her to yours and cook and spend a weekend with girly gossip, etc...
Is your friend aware of your financial situation?