... to ask Has Anyone Seen My Kev?? ( the builder) .... Yeahinaminute here BTW !

[yeahinaminute]

Long Story short:

Bought new kitchen in October .... friend stored in her barn .... Good mate ... let's call him Kev for that is his name .. is a builder and he and his motely crew agreed to do the job ( BIG ... ceiling down, floor up, new leccies, plumbing etc)Price agreed ... now let's set a date ...

"So, Kev" says I ... "any chance before Christmas?"
"No probs YIAM .. we'll have you up and running in a couple of weeks"

October wends it's merry way into the dark of November ... which whistles along to December ....... (can you hear the tumbleweed??)
Now as I said before our Kev and his lovely family a very good friends ... during this time we have been to parties together, theirs for dinner ... ours for dinner etc and occassionally the kitchen ... or distinct lack of was brought up ....

So now we have pootled nicely to Dec 16th whereupon Kev informs
"Right then YIAM ... how about we make a start on the 20th?"
YES Dear Reader the TWENTIETH OF DECEMBER
" as politely as I could I replied that I did not think it would be in the best interests of my sanity and his ability to father any more children ( should he wish) if he entered my house with a crow bar and dust sheets ( purely ornamental)5 day's prior to Christmas Eve / Day when I will be required to feed, water and generally entertain 11 adults, 3 children and 3 dogs.

He got the message....

So this weekend our Kev sidles over as i am enjoying a much deserved libation in the pub ...

"Right than YIAM ... get cracking ... me and the lads'll be in on Wednesday to start ..." !!
" FAB - A - ROONIE ( apologies to the Tweenies there!) " I exclaim!
So Tues/Weds in between working, looking after the sainted ma who's staying ( and has a severe case of man flu) I clear the kitchen, utility etc of 10 years of accumulated detrius ( why do I have so many identical dishes etc when guaranteed I use the one nearest that has a broken lid/handle etc?)and store everything in the dining room, shed, wherever i possibly can, bought industrial quantities of sugar, Yorkshire tea and custard creams ready for the Off.

As an aside - I left a tiny proportion for DH to clear/dump/find a home for ... he came home from work on Tues eve at 7 and declared " Sure ... Yep, Yep ... I'll get that done ... what's for dinner, I'll have it later and have you seen my training top I'm off to touch rugby now" ... and like snow before the sun ... GONE

Anyway - I digress..... Kev arrived yesterday ..... kitchen, utility... GONE... ceilings ... GONE ..... Mess, dust ARRIVED, Dog .. TRAUMATISED ....So, he arrives again this morning with a Mahoosive drill bit and the ornamental dust sheets and in the time it took me to walk DD to school and take the dog over the fields ... about 45mins .... he's drilled the cable chasing in the walls the WHOLE house is covered in plaster dust ... and he's disappeaered ....

So the question is ... where's my Kev? ... can I have him back please? ... it's only day 2 and I thought he might stick around a bit longer than that.

what with the bending over for the fruit bowl it could have been a whole lot worse

He Does !

Kev hasn't made it to the pub - he met Phyllis half way down the drive and he's returned to give Phyllis a hand finishing something off ... Phyllis won't let Deano help as he doesn't want " the missing link" (his words) anywhere near his equipment !

A small yet minor breakthrough .. It's almost looking like a kitchen ....

CURRENT QUANTITIES:
Floors - 1 and a half
Ceilings - 2
Lights - several - not all exactly mine or indeed where I want them to be ... but hey ho!
Cupboards - 3
Doors - 5
Handles - none - the wrong ones have arrived and I just managed to stop our Deano from drilling holes to put them on
Sugar - 2 bags now
Tea Bags - 3 large boxes of Yorkshire tea and half my pack of English Breakfast
Biscuits - lost count
Bounty Bars - 2 each ... daily ( I buy them and I'm feckin allergic to soddin' coconut !)
My Sanity - unknown - lost in transit somewhere
Intelligent Apprentice - zero
Our Deano - still on the payroll

My Kev ..... could be anywhere ... not been seen since 11am

A small ... yet I feel significant ...update

I can put things in cupboards .... with soft closers !!

The paint ( chosen by DH - I'll have that painted over in my choice by May - once he's over the "newness" of everything!!)is on the walls and Our Deano, the dog and DD's school coat .....

Phyllis returns next Monday to construct the BIG cupboard.

Unfortunately the washing machine's taken a hit .... Having a hissy fit about being moved and shudders to a halt as each section of the cycle is complete so i have to stand by and turn her off and on very quickly to shock her in to completing the next phase ... this goes on until the cycle is finished ..

Deano loved the snow ( we are quite high up and still have a fair bit on the ground) and made 2 fab snowmen with DD ... it was only after several hours that I noticed that it was a man and woman ... and roughly (this is Our Deano - or the missing link as Phyllis refers to him!) anatomically correct ( think carrots and some large oranges) ... which sparked a lively discussion with DD I can tell you ..... so Our Deano then provided a snowBABY!!

I think I'm going to miss them .......

yeahinaminute, I am really enjoying this tale - I think I'll be sad when Kev and Our Deano finally leave your premises . You have a real talent for writing.

God, no, SGM, I wouldn't let them over the door meself!! D'you think they're like vampires, they can only come in if you invite them?

Have nominated this one for classics....

Just found this thread and loving it, never laughed so much in ages.

not got builder problems but telephone, taking contact in 'a certain annoying tune telephone company' 2 years to get broadband and telephone to work together.

Now I need compensation suddenly they've disappeared - possibly with your Kev?

Shouldn't be a surprise as always disappeared by not returning calls etc.

At least it's not cost me any biccies.

Not sure if garlic's the thing - maybe poncy tea and crap biscuits (Darjeeling and Nice biscuits I'm thinking)?

this is hillarious!

Oooh, radical SGM! Would we ned to extend it to cakes and other confectionary too?

Oh bugger - I am planning some work to the front of my house later in the year, and I live 2 doors down from a pub. I really didn't think this one through, did I?

We're about to enter the last phase now ...

Kev will be returning in the morning ... hopefully with Our Deano .. (as it's half term I'm hoping he'll entertain DD while I get some work done !! she's just 6 ... they're on the same wavelength !)just some bits and bobs to do while Phyllis builds the BIG cupboard....

My life will have no meaning ....

I will be bereft ...

I tried to persuade DH that all the internal doors and skirting needed replacing so we needed to keep My Kev, Our Deano and the gang to do that .. he snorted, shuffled the Torgraph and said something about not being made of money ..... tight fisted old git.

And I was promised Tommy the Gut and due to his flu ( hangover) I haven't met him yet

What will I do with all the biccies ????