... to ask Has Anyone Seen My Kev?? ( the builder) .... Yeahinaminute here BTW !

[yeahinaminute]

Long Story short:

Bought new kitchen in October .... friend stored in her barn .... Good mate ... let's call him Kev for that is his name .. is a builder and he and his motely crew agreed to do the job ( BIG ... ceiling down, floor up, new leccies, plumbing etc)Price agreed ... now let's set a date ...

"So, Kev" says I ... "any chance before Christmas?"
"No probs YIAM .. we'll have you up and running in a couple of weeks"

October wends it's merry way into the dark of November ... which whistles along to December ....... (can you hear the tumbleweed??)
Now as I said before our Kev and his lovely family a very good friends ... during this time we have been to parties together, theirs for dinner ... ours for dinner etc and occassionally the kitchen ... or distinct lack of was brought up ....

So now we have pootled nicely to Dec 16th whereupon Kev informs
"Right then YIAM ... how about we make a start on the 20th?"
YES Dear Reader the TWENTIETH OF DECEMBER
" as politely as I could I replied that I did not think it would be in the best interests of my sanity and his ability to father any more children ( should he wish) if he entered my house with a crow bar and dust sheets ( purely ornamental)5 day's prior to Christmas Eve / Day when I will be required to feed, water and generally entertain 11 adults, 3 children and 3 dogs.

He got the message....

So this weekend our Kev sidles over as i am enjoying a much deserved libation in the pub ...

"Right than YIAM ... get cracking ... me and the lads'll be in on Wednesday to start ..." !!
" FAB - A - ROONIE ( apologies to the Tweenies there!) " I exclaim!
So Tues/Weds in between working, looking after the sainted ma who's staying ( and has a severe case of man flu) I clear the kitchen, utility etc of 10 years of accumulated detrius ( why do I have so many identical dishes etc when guaranteed I use the one nearest that has a broken lid/handle etc?)and store everything in the dining room, shed, wherever i possibly can, bought industrial quantities of sugar, Yorkshire tea and custard creams ready for the Off.

As an aside - I left a tiny proportion for DH to clear/dump/find a home for ... he came home from work on Tues eve at 7 and declared " Sure ... Yep, Yep ... I'll get that done ... what's for dinner, I'll have it later and have you seen my training top I'm off to touch rugby now" ... and like snow before the sun ... GONE

Anyway - I digress..... Kev arrived yesterday ..... kitchen, utility... GONE... ceilings ... GONE ..... Mess, dust ARRIVED, Dog .. TRAUMATISED ....So, he arrives again this morning with a Mahoosive drill bit and the ornamental dust sheets and in the time it took me to walk DD to school and take the dog over the fields ... about 45mins .... he's drilled the cable chasing in the walls the WHOLE house is covered in plaster dust ... and he's disappeaered ....

So the question is ... where's my Kev? ... can I have him back please? ... it's only day 2 and I thought he might stick around a bit longer than that.

i'd have had it dun by xmas if she'd have let me start on the 20th
but yeah, we got john-boy coming tomorrow. he's the best biscuit dunker i know. he can hold it in for ages without it dropping

KEV ... so this is where you are ....

Can you explain yourself ... here I am up to my eyeballs in dust,plaster and Deano ...

Yes Deano is all alone wielding a crowbar type thing and various power tools .... I am a prisoner in my own home...can't leave the house unless Deano has an unfortunate accident and I find he's nailed himself to the floor or plastered himself to the ceiling ...He's bored now and just playing with dangerous things ... and the dog

Come on Kev ... you said you'd be half an hour at 10.40 this morning

they go on a course for this right?

Time Wasting 101

actually this is why I never ever get anyone I remotely know to do work for us.

just wait until he tells you that it's going to cost more than he thought...

Don't get me started on that ... we've had much sharp intaking of breath and and perplexing "ahh"'s over the recently boxed in and hidden soil stack which due to un - boxing and some floor levelling etc will now require a different type of boxing in / hiding which requires extra dosh thrown at it.

Ditto the chimney extractor thingy which may have to have extra s/steel for "height requirements" ... strange.... I honestly never saw a cardboard cut out Mickey Mouse in the kitchen stating "if you don't reach this ( Huge comic hand / Dopey's snout/ Deano's missing brain - delelte as applicable) you can't go on this ride"

lol

this is very funny

i am going to show it to my builder who started my kitchen extension last january, and no its not finished yet

he seems to have a lot of mates called, kev, tone, del etc etc

worst thing i I'm married to him too

My best 'Dean' ever was called Ted. He loved demolishing things and was speedy at ripping out kitchens etc. But above all he called me 'Doll' in the street, which seemed kind of cool...David is still away.

Kev and Deano are having a cuppa .... found the kettle under the dining room table ...it was missing most of yesterday ( probably why Kev disappeared for so long).... much talk of the chimney extractor thingumy going in today ... TALK that is not actually doing .... eavesdropping on them I believe there will also be a Tommy arriving later .... or to give him his full title ... Tommy the gut ??! What he's going to bring to the party i have no idea ....... anyway I better get more biscuits in ...

Having suffered long at the hands of builders myself, I discovered that one useful tip is to make the most undigestible swill known to man (think marinated socks) and label it as tea. Offer this beverage often and with enthusiasm. Couple it with copious amounts of "delicious homemade" biscuits which your dd and all her friends participated in making. I found that this dramatically curtailed the desire for tea breaks!

Doesn't seem to matter what I chuck at them ... all greedily gobbled up and swilled down ... Nige the sparky was a bit more refined in his tastes though .... he's gone now ... may visit towards the end though ... [wistful emoticon].... he was sooo clean and tidy ...

How about saying that you have packed all of your kitchen appliances (ie kettle) away in a safe place until the kitchen is nearly finished and therefore, sadly, tea is not an option until significant progess has been made?

Downside is that if nearby pubs are available, the absence of your kettle may not be much lamented.

Bit of a problem if I'm gasping for a cuppa can't really unearth the kettle and make just the one cup can I ?

Did I also say that added to this equation I have my elderly, batty - not a complete fruit loop - .. she's always been quite mad!.. mum here ... who is regularly alarming them by wafting down in her pink fluffy dressing gown smelling of pee and lavender and offering them tea / gin / beer and Bennie Hedges !

She's been here since Jan 4th .... not that I'm counting ...!!!

I'm distraught .. "Tommy the gut" was a no - show yesterday (flu he said ... Kev saw him out having several bevvies the night before and reckons he was ... "bloody lashed up the fat idle barrel"!!) ... I was looking forward to meeting him too....

Instead Phyllis (the joiner)has taken up residence with some very fancy cutting equipment ... I think his real name is Phil ... but you can't be too sure these days can you ... his biscuit of choice is malted milk!

My Matty is fantastic, nobody can have him, I honestly wish we were married he's done such a fantastic job

Oh my Kev is very Matty - like ... the job's fab(his missus would give him hell if it wasn't!)what's actually been done that is .... just that he does tend to disappear in to the ether ..... leaving me in loco parentis of "our Deano" .....

"Our Deano" I love it, have you been tempted to feed him .... I want to give "our Eddie" what I suspect might have been his first fruit portion ever.

Oooh that might keep him occupied for a while ... I'll dust off a tangerine and see how he gets on ....

Check on the August 08 postnatal thread. We've had Kev the Builder in redecorating.

Brilliant!! .... Kev's just chortled himself hoarse and has had to retreat to the pub now as he came back through this conversation I was having with our Deano ( thanks Sorrento!!) ....

Me ... arse up under the dining room table searching for the fruit bowl ..

Our Deano ... "Can I give you a hand YIAM??"

"No it's ok Deano I'm just looking for the fruit"

"Oh" OD said "What do you want that for?"

Cue Kev returning ...

"Um ... to eat ... fancy a tangerine? Apple? I've got a couple of nice pears"

"Ah yeah you do ... me an' Phyllis were saying that!"

Kev has fist in mouth now ..

"No Deano ... pears as in fruit not ... well you know.."

"Ah no YIAM I don't do coloured food .... only brown ... unless I have ketchup"

?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love Deano. Reminds me of our Jase's mate Davey.

What's my Kev doing over there leaving me in charge of Our Deano ??!!

You know I'm not sure whether I'm sort of flattered or a bit about having my appendages discussed by ... well ... tradespeople !!

David has not reappeared here. and now we need a plasterer, as the damp patch has dried out and plaster come off since Willie releaded round the flue.

NEVER EVER get a Willie in ... that's my motto !

Be careful of Kev though, he leaves his tools lying round.

Well YIAM at least you got a compliment out of it!

I'm guessing there's still a touch of the ricketts about our Deano !!!!!